Posted on Friday, 4 August 2000
For Sania, may you ever cease to torment us. Dead Lizzy, crazed, suicidal Darcy, homeless Georgie, swamp fever, more swamp fever, lots of weapons, triumphant Wickham and/or Caroline, *anything* bad happening to Col. Fitzwilliam -- No no no no! (as the Chaquita banana song goes)
Sania, revered, dreaded, and oft threatened Mistress of Angst (and rumored Satan's Concubine)was doing what she does best. Manufacturing the ANGST. On this occasion, she was tormenting several (allegedly) militant-fringe late-night Dwiggies in chat by floating dreadful, angst-ridden story ideas.
"Dead Ed!" Kathy threatened.
"The Revenge of Jason!!!!!!" screamed Mosylu. "Will learns the meaning of unrequited love!"
"Jeremy Sutherland..." warned Bridget menacingly.
"Remember that black SUV?" Elli demanded.
"I'll withhold posts!" shouted Kimmie.
"Elizabeth goes into a coma!" shrieked Meghan.
Caroline and Shem hurled fish and computers.
Coleen wielded her big stick.
Tabbi created general chaos.
Crysty attacked with the 'devil bears'
Following the example set by her 'hero' Edmund Bertram *sniiiiiiiiiirt*, Sania dove under a table. Suddenly, all the Dwiggies disappeared to replenish their supplies.
Venturing out from underneath the table, Sania encountered a pair of male shoes.
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Male socks.
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Male trousers.
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Sania looked up.
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"Hello, Sania," said the man sitting on the table.
"Oh God! JEREMY!!!!!!!!!!"
*need I say which?*
"Jeremy! Knightley! Knightley! Jeremy!" exclaimed Sania incoherently.
"Sania, this over-angst thing isn't such a good idea. No stories with miserable endings, okay?" said Jeremy Northam, and disappeared.
Pouting, Sania searched every crevice, cranny, cubbie, and corner of the chat room. Alas, no Jeremy.
No Jeremy Northam, that is. For just as suddenly appeared another man, tall and cute in a rather nerdy way, with dark hair and eyes, and an "I-am-always-right" air. He was about 15 years too young (and a little... confused) to be the real Knightley, but he would do very well indeed.
This was "The Second Best Jeremy." Better known as Jeremy Sutherland. Identity: (quasi-)fictional creation of Bridget's.
"Sania? Jeremy Sutherland," he said, shaking hands with a rather dazed Sania. "We have to take a little trip," he announced, escorting her to his car.
"Huh?"
"You'll see."
"If this is going to be like Scrooge in the Christmas story or something, why are we going in your CAR? Aren't you supposed to take my hand and then we fly?"
"I love my car," said Jeremy indignantly.
"Know who you should love?"
"Oh, no -- don't start."
"Leslie."
"I don't think so."
"You better think so!"
"I love my girlfriend! NATALIE!"
Sania snorted... er... snirted as Jeremy parked his car in a house (yes -- in the house) in upstate New York.
"Where's Broadway? Where are all the people? Where is all the freakin' excitement?" Sania demanded.
Jeremy snorted. "This is Rochester." He and Sania got out of the car. "Okay -- you stay here." He walked over to a small, sandy-haired girl who was poring confusedly over several maps.
"Whatcha looking for?"
"I'm trying to find a few good suspension bridges in Washington DC," replied Bridget.
"Well, you'll not find it there, dearie," Jeremy said.
"Shut up."
Sania looked vaguely horrified. "Okay, next destination," said Jeremy.
"Washington?"
"Not yet. Baltimore."
As Jeremy's flight-capable car hovered, Jeremy and Sania peered through a window of the Johns Hopkins University Hospital. Jeremy watched grimly as the resident gave Natalie an engagement ring. "Next then I'm outta here," said Jeremy, as the car flew to the next destination.
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The suspension bridge.
Jeremy got out of the car...
"Noooooooooooo!" shrieked Sania in horror. She blacked out.
Jeremy the Third appeared -- Elli's Jeremy, of "Where Angels Fear to Tread." Lizzy's brother in law. (Though, you do have to wonder about any guy who would marry Mary...)
Because he was nicer than Jeremy the Second, he took Sania's hand and away they flew. They slowed as they drifted over, let's say, Chicago.
"Look down," said Jeremy the Third.
"Nice highway, that," said Sania.
"Ahem -- the cars."
Squinting, Sania peered at the highway. "Oh my God!" she shrieked as she saw the dreaded black SUV.
"Uh-huh." They continued to follow it. Jeremy the Third was a rather taciturn man, it would seem.
"Okay," said Sania nervously. "What about the SUV?"
"It might be said that it is driving in the general direction of Lizzy and Jane's apartment. But that is merely a surmise."
Sania pestered him with questions, but Jeremy the Third said no more. "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!" she wailed. "You're just trying to scare me!"
"I only do as Elli bids me," said Jeremy the Third cryptically.
The black SUV halted. An enraged Wickham walked out, entered the apartment building, and headed towards Lizzy's apartment, flexing his hands.
"ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Sania. She blacked out.
When Sania awakened, Jeremy the Third had disappeared and had been replaced by Jeremy the Fourth. More specifically, Jeremy Wentworth. We don't know who he is, but the name is enough. Besides, this is Kimmie's section. ;p
Jeremy Wentworth rowed Sania in a canoe from Chicago to Ohio. (This may not be geographically possible, but just go with it.) There, Sania witnessed the shocking spectacle of Kimmie systematically deleting all responses to Sania's stories. Not just her responses, mind you, but everyone's responses.
"AAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Sania. She blacked out.
Jeremy the Fifth announced his presence by unceremoniously pouring cold water on Sania's face. Sania spluttered and looked up at Jeremy Irons.
Jeremy Irons took Sania to another hospital. Here, Darcy sat miserably, while in the bed next to him, Lizzy was in a coma.
"NOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sania blacked out.
Jeremy the Sixth arrived. "Oh God, are you Kathy's brother?" Sania asked when she woke up.
"Yeah," he said smirking. "By the way, this is for you."
Looking about the battlefield she found herself in, Sania saw the approach of the DevilBear Army, commanded by Crysty.
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Sania blacked out.
Jeremy the Seventh was smoking opium and playing the violin when Sania awakened. (Yes, at the same time.)
Jeremy Brett (or Sherlock Holmes) followed the footprints leading to a laboratory. There, Sania was horrified to see Kathy, dressed in a lab coat.
"How is the cloning experiment coming, Dr. Kathy?" asked Jeremy Brett.
Kathy beamed widely. "Excellently! Here are the results." She threw open a door, and out strutted multitudes of Henry Crawfords.
"And here's a little side-experiment," Kathy added, guiding Sania and Jeremy the Seventh to a Princess Bride type torture machine.
Prostrated on it was a very Dead Ed indeed.
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Sania. She blacked out.
When she woke, a tall, blond highschool baseball player in a BHS uniform stood over her -- Jeremy the Eighth. (having a shortage of already-been-established Jeremys -- he's the best I could 'find')
"Who the hell are you?" Sania asked.
"Hey, I have no idea how I got here! I'm just from Kathleen's (Bridget's) sophomore Spanish class. But come along."
Jeremy the Eighth took Sania to a church in Michigan.
"What are we doing here?" she whispered.
Jeremy pointed. Horrified, Sania saw that Tabbi and Coleen were laid out, surrounded by flowers.
"Did I do that?"
"Apparently. It's because you killed StudMuffin -- whoever he is."
Sania sniffed quietly. "They look so peaceful..."
Sania blacked out.
When she awakened, she realized she was still in chat -- under the table. So it was just a dream, she thought.
Getting up, she noticed a note from THE Jeremy on the table.
Sania,Remember, none of this has happened yet. It is your choice.
Love,
Jeremy