Section I, Next Section
Posted on Monday, 22 September 2003
Pemberley, 1829
It was just the usual routine, nothing special. Like every morning Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy went upstairs to say Good Morning to his sickly little daughter Maria. And even though he knew that she might decide to remain in bed for yet another day because of her sickness he was looking forward to seeing his only child. Letting his thoughts wander he remembered his short happy marriage with Anne... Anne! Her name rang through his mind as he went upstairs. His gentle wife, his companion and his best friend had died after giving birth to Maria. At first he had blamed himself for his wife's death until he had pushed those dark feelings aside. It had been so hard to wake up every morning without being greeted by her warm smile, her tender eyes and her sweet innocent kisses... Opening the door he smiled at the child lying in bed.
"Good morning, my darling. How are you feeling today?" Her rather indifferent glance put a damper on his joy.
Maria, being only ten years old, made no effort to greet her father. Her dark hair was messy and her nightgown was sweaty after being worn for several days. Her pretty face was pale and her figure delicate.
"I'm not feeling well. I'll remain in bed today. Besides, Mrs. Reynolds promised me to bake me a cake!" There was a glimmer in her eyes, reminding Darcy of Anne's loving glances. He swallowed hard.
"But, darling, wouldn't it be wiser to eat something healthy first? I have no intention of spoiling your joy but..." She didn't let him finish.
"But you do!" Her eyes widened. "Why won't you allow me some happiness? I'm sick, I can't go anywhere and I have no friends..." Her voice was shaking.
Darcy sat down on her bed and stretched his arms out inviting her to come into his arms but she just ignored him icily. He sighed heavily. "My treasure, I want you to be happy. But I want to do everything so that you can get well again!"
His words stroke the wrong chords within her. "I'll never get well!" she yelled. Her face and neck were dripping with sweat and her cheeks were glowing.
He knew he had to calm her or she'd come down with a fever again. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and her entire body was unnaturally hot. Stroking her hair he murmured consoling words.
"Now, now, we won't give up that easily, shall we? Maria, I know you're in pain and I want to do everything to help you. I'm your father and..." Her icy tone cut him off.
"Yes, you're my father! And aren't you ashamed of having a weakling for a daughter? I can't even go to school! Nothing you do will help me! I want no more of you!" She shook off his hands and hid under her blankets.
Anne! Anne, my love, help me! You would know what to say to her! You would do the right thing! his mind cried for his wife. Sighing he got up and went towards the door. Before he closed it he looked back at the bed.
"I love you, my princess." He sighed once more and prayed that he person he had hired for special care would be capable of helping her. But Maria didn't move or come out of hiding as he had hoped she would. He closed the door with a sad expression on his face.
Not knowing what else to do he went into his study and read the letter he had received from London. The hospital there had agreed to send someone who was a specialist at treating sick children. Finally a doctor would take care of Maria! Just as he had that thought Mrs. Reynolds stormed into his study without knocking. He bolted up from his chair as he beheld her.
"What's going on?"
She was gasping for air. "Master, a young lady has come to see you. She says she came for the young Mistress. I tried to reason with her but..."
Darcy was aghast. A young lady? This had to be a mistake! But his curiosity was aroused nonetheless. Who was this woman? There was only one way to find out! Passing through the library he went towards the main entrance and there she was. Mrs. Reynolds had exaggerated by calling her a young lady but she was many years his junior. If he had to guess her age it would be around thirty. She greeted him with a warm, yet determined smile.
Bowing politely she introduced herself. "You must be Mr. Darcy, am I right?" Her eyes were shining, she enjoyed being right it seemed. "My name is Elizabeth Bennet, I've come to take care of Maria."
At first Darcy had no idea how to respond to this. The hospital couldn't possibly have sent her... There had to be some sort of mistake!
"To take care of Maria?" he repeated.
"Why yes, you asked for help to cure her sickness and that is why I'm here." She made it sound so natural.
He gulped and tried to think calmly. There was no mistake! She had been sent by the hospital! But why? He had asked for a specialist, not for some woman who obviously couldn't be a doctor. He felt anger raising within him.
"But I was expecting a...eh, I mean..." Her warm smile was too lovely to fuel his anger.
"You were expecting a doctor, am I right?" Her smile was persistent.
"Well, as a matter of fact I was. I'm dreadfully sorry for the inconvenience, Miss Bennet. I will of course pay for your return to London."
She frowned and put down her bags. "There is no need for that. You asked for help and I'm here to help!"
"You don't understand! Maria is very sick! She needs an experienced doctor and not some..." She smiled again.
"Not some woman who thinks she can cure her, am I right?"
She made it sound so nasty, he didn't mean to offend her but still, he had to send her back!
"Mr. Darcy, I have no intention to criticize you without even knowing you. But let me tell you this: I'm an experienced private nurse, I am a specialist at treating sick children and I've brought you proof. Documents written by doctors and parents praising my skills. Please, do not dismiss me as yet!" She gave him yet another encouraging smile.
"Well, I think that it sounds all very nice but Maria is very difficult and..." He saw her raising her eyebrows at this. Was she mocking him?
"Where is Maria? It's a most glorious day and it's late."
"She feels too weak to get up and has decided to remain in bed for today." He watched her approach the staircase. "Miss Bennet, what do you think you're doing?"
"I'm going upstairs to check on my patient. Would you be so kind as to take me to her?" She was resolute but kind at the same time. Darcy knew that to get rid of her he would have to face a lot of trouble.
Posted on Monday, 29 September 2003
If I leave all for thee, wilt thou exchange
And be all to me? Shall I never miss
Home-talk and blessing and the common kiss
That comes to each in turn, nor count it strange,
When I look up, to drop on a new range
Of walls and floors, another home than this?
Nay, wilt thou fill that place by me which is
Filled by dead eyes too tender to know change
That's hardest. If to conquer love, has tried,
To conquer grief, tries more, as all things prove,
For grief indeed is love and grief beside.
Alas, I have grieved so I am hard to love.
Yet love me--wilt thou? Open thy heart wide,
And fold within, the wet wings of thy dove.
(Elizabeth Barrett Browning)
Elizabeth mounted the steps in no time and not once did she look back if the Master of the mansion was following her. She was used to this ordeal of bewilderment caused by her sex and it didn't affect her at all. Mr. Darcy seemed to be an intelligent man, she'd prove her worth to him in to time. As she reached the top of the stairs she gave him a very sensitive smile.
"Mr. Darcy, please show me to Maria's room, this house is so incredibly huge, I'm sure I'll get lost without your help!"
It was an easy way of smoothing his vanity and showing some feminine weakness and indeed, the old trick worked like a charm.
"Well, if you insist I'll introduce you to Maria. But be warned, she is a very difficult child." If strong words couldn't maker her leave perhaps the prospect of a difficult child might put a damper on her enthusiasm. But the private nurse just smiled.
"I'm used to difficult children, especially to those without..." she hesitated because she could see his face darken at this comment.
"Those without a mother, is that you're trying to tell me?" he asked curtly. And yet she still gave him her serene smile.
"It wasn't my intention to sound rude," she explained. "I have to confess that I sometimes just say what is on my mind even though I mean no harm or offence. Mr. Darcy, I can see that you still have doubts if I'm qualified to take care of your daughter. Let me offer you a deal that will be to your liking!" The corners of her mouth went up higher putting an almost wicked smile on her lips.
"I doubt that you could offer me anything of interest. I'm sorry to say that but I simply cannot believe that the hospital sent me a young woman to cure Maria. Not even some of the best doctors of Derbyshire were able to improve her health so why should you, a private nurse, be different? Don't get me wrong, Miss Bennet, I don't doubt your truthfulness, it's just that I'm...." There a shadow crossed his handsome features.
"Weary?" Elizabeth suggested.
Darcy's eyes widened at her sharp apprehension for this was precisely how he felt after having so many people promising him that they would cure Maria but weren't able to do a thing for his little girl. Every time a doctor gave up on Maria he felt useless, as if he had betrayed Anne whose dying wish had been that he would take care of their baby. And now this stranger just walked into his house and analyzed his feelings after just a moment of conversation? It was all very puzzling.
Finally he spoke up again. "I'm not only weary but, to tell the truth, confused. So many doctors have made suggestions; they've even contradicted themselves regarding my daughter's medication, her activities and her diet. Maria has become more hostile and bitter with each person leaving her side because of his inability to cure her."
Elizabeth listened to him without making any sort of interruption. Experience had taught her to listen to her patients as well as their loved ones for the one thing that was required for a complete healing was harmony. As she had entered this lovely house she had felt so much sadness and despair lounging in it, the quest to brush away the cobwebs of such misery was tough but Elizabeth knew that she was capable of doing it. It was her job to radiate with joy and she knew well how to do so despite all circumstances.
"I can promise you one thing," she began with yet another glowing smile. "I shall never throw Maria away because of my inability to cure her if it should come this far. But I highly doubt that this will be the result of my treatment. As for what I was about to propose to you, please let me be explicit. Give me a week to prove my worth to both Maria and you. If, after this one week, I wasn't able to improve Maria's health I'll leave and I won't accept any payment." Elizabeth knew the risk of this course for she was putting herself at the mercy of a despaired child and a rather prejudiced father but she had to do her best and if this was the only we she'd do it no matter how it might affect her life and career.
Darcy considered her offer and, to his dismay, found it to be very agreeable. A week wasn't long and he knew Maria well enough that she wouldn't be blinded by a tempting smile or soft words. How will this happy face look like in a week? he mused for he was still decided to send her back to London as soon as possible. Truthfully it didn't matter much to him as long as she remained out of his personal life and attended to Maria only. And if Maria rejected the idea of having a private nurse looking after her, so the better! It would be yet another reason to send her back where she belonged.
"Miss Bennet, this offer sounds enticing but there is one thing I won't accept." His response was stern.
"And that is?" Her eyebrows were raised curiously.
"That you'll leave without payment. Whatever the outcome of this deal might be, I'll pay you accordingly."
Elizabeth exhaled her breath in relief. "So you accept my offer?"
"I don't have much of a choice, now do I?" A hint of a smile made him look very boyish.
Her smile was broad and her laughter sincere. "No, I suppose not!"
Maria's room was darkened for several doctors had suggested that the sun might harm her constitution and that fresh air was just a cause for fevers, infections and colds. The air was heavy with different smells, sweat, remains of food and human odours were mixed into a sickening smell. Upon entering the room Elizabeth felt herself yearning for smelling salts. The child in the huge bed seemed to be untouched by the presence of a stranger; she merely continued to stare into space. Her nightgown was spotty and dirty, her hair had not seen a comb or brush in weeks and her complexion was almost white. Pressing her handkerchief against her mouth Elizabeth pulled back the curtains allowing the warm beams of the sun to illuminate the room.
"What are you doing? It's doctor's orders that she has to rest in the dark!" Darcy felt rage boiling within him at her self-confidence. But why did her smile have so many effects on him? The one she gave him at present was stern but disarming.
"Mr. Darcy, it has been my experience that sick children should not live as recluses and they should be surrounded by nature!" She closed her eyes for a moment and sighed as she felt the warmth of the sunlight on her skin. "Sunlight, fresh air and exercise are the best medicine!" she added with a gesture of disgust at the closed windows. One by one she opened them and Darcy had to admit that the fresh air was reviving, especially since it was a warm, sunny day. Turning his gaze towards Maria he caught her watching the private nurse in astonishment only to fall back into her apathy after the new sensation had passed.
"Miss Bennet, please come here!" he ordered her calmly.
As Elizabeth approached the bed her heart went out to the poor child. Scars on her arms showed that she had been bled and perhaps even more barbaric "treatments" had been forced upon her to cure her. No surprise that a pair of hard eyes was gazing at her, she appeared like a cornered animal, always ready to jump at a predator. Elizabeth sat down on the chair next to the bed and returned Maria's gaze warmly.
"Maria, this is Miss Elizabeth Bennet. She is a private nurse who came to Pemberley to cure you."
Elizabeth felt herself cringing at his choice of words and hushed him shaking her head violently. She felt Maria glaring at her in disgust, it was obvious that she saw an enemy in her now.
"Maria, I'm Elizabeth but you may call me Lizzy if you like. I've come here to take care of you. And never fear, there will be no bleeding, no needles and no special diet." She was on the right track! Maria's gaze mellowed, there was a glimmer of hope in them. "Your father is right, I'm a private nurse. But I haven't come her to force a painful treatment upon you but to give you back the things you're missing."
Obviously the child wasn't sure whether to believe her or not. She had slipped back into her empty stare, Elizabeth was mortified. Smiling at Maria she got up and bid Darcy to follow her outside. After closing the door she overflowed with words.
"Mr. Darcy, I'm appalled at her condition! How can you let her lie in bed like this? She needs bathing, a balanced diet and new clothes! And the smells, dear Lord, haven't you noticed them?" Her voice was firm but not aggressive.
"The doctors ordered...."
Her smile was mocking him.
"Well, now please leave it to me. I'll see to it that she'll be the prettiest girl in all Derbyshire!" Her voice was giving him hope. "Well, I shall go back in there and try to bond with Maria. She is a sweet girl and I'm sure we'll get along well." He made a move towards the door. "No, please leave this to me. You're always around her, you need to rest." Her orders were gentle and kind.
As she watched him descending the stairs her heart went out to him. Nobody had informed her how he was grieving for his wife, it was obvious in every move, every glance and every word he spoke. The way he looked at Maria, how he protected her and defended her... How he had lost his wife she knew but she wasn't prepared for two patients. For as soon as she had set eyes upon him she new that he was crying out for help without even knowing it. If it was within her power she would help both of them to overcome their ailments.
Elizabeth spent the next few hours sitting at Maria's bedside. At times she simply sat there watching the child tenderly and sometimes she talked to her about her family, her nephews and nieces and her disposition as a private nurse. There was no reaction at all and when the sunset came Elizabeth got up to close the windows and the curtains.
"Good night, Maria. Have sweet dreams!"
Walking towards the door she heard the rustling of covers and then a few steps. Suddenly she felt something pulling her skirts weakly. Turning back she gazed down at Maria and as her eyes met hers she could see many emotions in Maria's big eyes. Maria was clinging to her skirts, it seemed that she didn't want her to leave as yet. Elizabeth wasn't surprised, she had witnessed this sort of reaction many times. At first children became defensive towards her fearing yet another painful treatment or someone bossing them around but their fears were melted by just being there and accepting them for what they were. This normally led to a very emotional acceptance and here the absence of a mother in Maria's life only heightened her desire for female companionship.
"May I call you Lisa instead of Lizzy? It sounds so special...." Maria asked stretching out her thin arms.
Elizabeth nodded and after kneeling down embraced Maria carefully. Of course she knew that this child didn't give her love willingly but out of despair and she wanted to do everything to prove it to Maria that her trust wasn't misplaced. How many times has she been disappointed? Elizabeth wondered as she carried Maria to her bed.
Posted on Monday, 6 October 2003, at
The face of all the world is changed, I think,
Since first I heard the footsteps of thy soul
Move still, oh, still, beside me, as they stole
Betwixt me and the dreadful outer brink
Of obvious death, where I, who thought to sink,
Was caught up into love, and taught the whole
Of life in a new rhythm. The cup of dole
God gave for baptism, I am fain to drink,
And praise its sweetness, Sweet, with thee anear.
The names of country, heaven, are changed away
From where thou art or shalt be, there or here;
And this...this lute and song...loved yesterday,
(The singing angels know) are only dear
Because thy name moves right in what they say.
(Elizabeth Barrett Browning)
After leaving Maria's room Elizabeth made her way downstairs. A heavy silence clung to this beautiful house, it was as somber as a shroud. For a moment she dropped her joyful demeanor and sighed heavily. Suddenly she realized that she wouldn't find her way in this huge mansion unless somebody aided her. Following a dimly lit hallway she approached an open door. She could see a fire blazing in the fireplace as she came towards the door. A life-size portrait of a young woman was hanging on the wall above the fireplace. A few flickering candles illuminated the exquisite artwork.
She wasn't a beauty in the common sense. Indeed, less sensitive eyes than hers might find her features plain. A pair of gentle dark eyes seemed to gaze at the viewer of the portrait, glowing in a heart-shaped rather childish face. Her body was undeveloped and dreadfully thin, her skin was almost translucently pale. A little smile graced her pretty lips showing flawless teeth. She was wearing a green gown of silk with yellow translucent sleeves. Her bosom was slender, she was wearing a beautiful locket on a silver chain.
Elizabeth jumped at the sound of a chair being moved but regained her composure quickly. Of course there was someone inside. Entering the room she could see Mr. Darcy standing close to the portrait, his gaze seemed to drink in the features of his long dead wife. So this is Anne! Elizabeth thought mournfully. Seeking his face she noticed that he was holding something in his hand. Looking more carefully she recognized the locket Anne was wearing on her portrait. Swallowing heard she continued to watch his sad reverie.
"She is lovely...." Elizabeth said with a smile.
He betrayed no emotions at her tearing him from his memories of Anne, the mask of severity and aloofness had returned.
"She was my wife." He stated coolly.
"I know. It is a lovely portrait." She meant every word.
"It was painted for our first anniversary..." The tone of his voice grew heavier.
Elizabeth gave him another smile.
"I'm sorry to disturb you but since Maria is sleeping now I'd be glad to see my room. But I fear I'll get lost if I attempt to look for it all by myself." Another lovely smile followed her request.
At first Darcy wanted Mrs. Reynolds to show her around but he decided against it on an impulse.
"It'll be my pleasure to guide you. Indeed, the house is huge and very confusing to those who don't live here."
With another gaze at Anne he followed her out of the room. It took more than an hour to show her around and to answer her curious questions. Elizabeth had taken a fancy for the gallery and the library in particular. All the portraits of his ancestors caused her to ask questions or to praise the skills of the painters.
Elizabeth was amazed at the room he had picked for her. It was very close to Maria and his own apartments. The room was sunny and held in a lovely emerald green, her favourite colour. The huge bed with its magnificent velvet curtains took Elizabeth's breath away, all she could do was stare. A fluffy green rug covered the polished floor, the curtains were also green but dark. The ceiling was white and decorated down a few inches towards the walls with carved roses and leaves.
"What's the matter? Don't you like it?"
Elizabeth exhaled heavily, her eyes widened.
"Not like it? Mr. Darcy, this has to be the most beautiful room imaginable!"
His face remained unmoved at her praise.
"I am certain that you've seen many rooms like this at other mansions you worked at as a private nurse."
Her smile remained bright despite his contempt.
"Believe me, Mr. Darcy, I mean what I say and my word is as good as yours. I have no desire to flatter anybody and I regard it to be highly improper to lie just to mellow a man's reserve!" Her words stung.
"Believe me, it wasn't my intention to imply anything of the kind. Don't worry about your luggage, it has already been brought upstairs. If you need anything just ask Mrs. Reynolds or one of the maids. If you have no more questions I'll leave you now. You seem to be tired." Boredom and desire for solitude was ringing in his voice.
"I have no more questions and, indeed, I'm rather tired." Elizabeth conceded.
"I'll be in my study." He turned away from her and went towards the door.
"Mr. Darcy!" she called.
Turning back he obviously expected yet another question or suggestion but she merely smiled at him.
"Yes? Is there anything else you need?"
She came towards him and gazed up right into his eyes.
"Thank you for showing me around with so much patience. I appreciate that highly."
Her words did more than scratch the surface of his frozen heart.
After taking a nap for about an hour Elizabeth changed her dress and combed her hair. The large mirror in her room reflected a pretty face but nothing special to her taxing eyes. She decided to wear her emerald green dress with the dark green sleeves and the black ribbons on the neckline. Satisfied with her appearance she left her room and went towards Maria's room. Opening the door quietly she checked whether Maria was still sleeping or not.
"Papa?" A weak voice called out.
Elizabeth walked in and gave her a shining smile.
"No, it's Lisa!"
Maria's face fell, it was clear that she had hoped to see her father. Obviously Mr. Darcy didn't spend much time with his daughter or he was offended by her rather sour behaviour. Either way, Elizabeth was resolved to bring him back to his daughter and to the beauty of life.
"Have you slept well?"
Maria ignored the question and hid under her blankets sobbing violently.
"There, there.... No need to cry, my dear. I'm sure that he'll be up soon. Do you want me to go downstairs and send him up?" Elizabeth patted Maria's back gently.
Maria bolted from beneath the blanket at her question.
"NO!" Startled at the nurse's patience Maria folded her arms and looked away defiantly. True, she had not taken her blanket away but that was no reason to believe that she was different. After being left alone she had fought a dreadful battle resulting in her resolve not to trust this private nurse and she was determined to remain true to this decision. For sure the nurse would scream at her now.
"Well, then I won't go downstairs. Still, we have to get started!"
Maria's mouth plopped open at Elizabeth's friendly tone.
"Get started?" She repeated incredulously.
"Why, yes! It would be a shame to miss this glorious sunshine!"
Maria's shoulders slumped, suddenly she felt tears welling in her eyes.
"I'm not allowed to go outside..." Her voice cracked.
Elizabeth sat down on the bed but didn't touch Maria.
"Says who?"
"The doctors...." Maria sniffed.
"Well, what would you say if your friend Lisa told you that there is no harm in going outside as long as you're kept warm and won't overdo it?" Elizabeth's heart jumped at Maria's brightening face.
"You... You think?" Maria couldn't believe it.
Elizabeth shook her head with a smile.
"No, I know!"
For a moment Maria forgot her decision and crawled into Elizabeth's lap.
"Thank you, Lisa!" she sighed at her bosom.
"You're welcome, Maria. Now let's wrap you in your blanket and go outside!"
Posted on Saturday, 11 October 2003
"She was a form of life and light
That seen became a part of sight,
And rose, where 'ere I turned mine eye,
The morning star of memory
Yes, love indeed is light from heaven;
A spark of that immortal fire..."
(Lord Byron)
"True love's the gift which God has given
To man alone beneath the heaven;
It is not fantasy's hot fire,
Whose wishes soon as granted fly;
It liveth not in fierce desire,
With dead desire it doth not die,
It is the secret sympathy,
The silver link, the sunken tie,
Which heart to heart and mind to mind
In body and in soul can bind."
(Walter Scott)
"Will you carry me, Lisa?" Maria asked timidly.
Elizabeth bent down to her and caressed Maria's tousled head. How adorable this little child was. Ten years old and still as helpless as a kitten, it was a shame. She could see grief in those young eyes, the grief of loss and unimaginable longing for the person she had never had the chance to meet. Winning her trust was one step as yet to mount but there was another one she feared but knew that it was her calling to follow through to the end. Ease your lot, it is too heavy a burden to carry on one pair of shoulders! Whom was she addressing?
"Lisa?" Maria just stared at her, her mouth quivering.
"I'm sorry, Maria. I was just thinking of your Papa." That was the truth, there was no reason for lying.
Maria's brows went up in surprise. "Papa? What about him?"
"I think he misses you quite a lot..." Elizabeth broached the subject.
Maria's lips hardened, she felt no desire to imagine that sort of thing. And it was untrue! There could be no truth in this absurdity for Papa was brave and strong and far too busy to miss a little sick baby like her. Besides there was Mrs. Reynolds to take care of him if he needed anything. Just as she had Lisa now, it was only fair!
"Don't you think so?" Elizabeth tried once more.
"No!" Maria spit out bitterly. "Please, can we go?"
Elizabeth swooped her up in her arms and went for the stairs. Maria's head was resting comfortably at her shoulder. It was then that she heard the loud squeaky noise from downstairs.
Darcy was craving for solitude as others for air to breathe. The only people he tolerated around him were his sister Georgiana, his daughter Maria and Mrs. Reynolds. But after Georgiana had married Lord Raiford her visits to Pemberley had become a rarity for the Lord was an ambassador of the crown and took his wife wherever he went. His two friends left were his cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam, and his best friend, Charles Bingley. But both seemed to avoid his company in the past few years for precisely the reasons why Darcy never bothered to seek their company if fate didn't put them together for a social event. He had never been fond of his cousin's reputation as a womanizer and Bingley's happy manners grated on his nerves for he had never had the ability to be as naturally jovial as his good friend.
And there was Anne... No, Anne had been a part of his life for she was gone.
But, like naughty leprechauns, his thoughts went back to the short time he and Anne had shared as man and wife. Marrying her for the wrong reasons was just one of the wrongs he had done to her and being the cause for her painful death was the other. When he married her he had been bored and had intended to bury her in the country where she could have led a peaceful life while he was conducting his business from either London or Pemberley. Anne made no demands and obeyed his every command without any questions or tears.
But then, one magical day it had been, Anne had pulled his sleeve timidly telling him she was with child. Then, and only then, he had loved her. Her frail face, slender shoulders, her narrow body...her bosom barely raised, her hips had been barely wider than her tiny waist... God had not created her to give birth, she was a grown up child with the faith of a little girl. The doctors didn't reprimand him for being the cause of this ill-fated pregnancy but there had been shaking heads, shocked faces and worried questions.
Snap!
He jumped to his feet and started pacing up and down the room, his eyes sought Anne's face on her portrait. His hand squeezed the silver locket, which was close to his heart as always.
What is done, is done. The past can't be erased. I won't think of it now! I'll think about it when I can bear it...
And now another person had forced herself into his life. A private nurse she called herself. And she was far too headstrong and spirited in the wrong way for his taste. She had nothing of Anne's gentle ways and her bossy attitude was something he could hardly tolerate. But a week would pass quickly. And then they'd be by themselves again....
Loud noises from the hall interrupted his thoughts. Mumbling a mild curse he went outside but instead of being angry he couldn't help but smile at the scene presenting itself to his eyes. A fight between two cats couldn't have been more exciting. One was a haughty red street cat with an arrogant attitude while the other was a sleek black cat with a royal attitude. Both women were far too absorbed in their argument to notice his presence.
"Madam, I beg you, calm yourself in front of a child! If Mr. Darcy is expecting you, he'll be here soon. If not, please wait in the parlour!" Elizabeth tried to reason with the enraged woman before her.
Thank you, Miss Bennet! I have no idea how you sensed that the parlour is a place I hardly use but you did the right thing! His smile broadened.
The woman in orange trembled with fury. Her cloak, heavy with green frills that so ill-fitted her orange attire waved around her like a stormy cloud.
"I'm his best friend's sister. My sister and I were invited here and I shall look for the Master of the house. And I won't have a servant and her brat stop me!" she shrieked.
The smile had vanished from his lips.
Elizabeth was mortified for she felt Maria sobbing quietly at her shoulder.
"I'm sure that if he heard you talking like this about an innocent child he'd be most appalled!" Elizabeth summoned all her dignity and glared at her in disgust. The lady didn't even have the breeding to introduce herself.
"And I'm sure that he doesn't care a bit what a plain servant and her brat are thinking!" the orange nightmare sneered.
Darcy left the door-frame and came towards Elizabeth.
"You're mistaken! He does care what people are saying about his only child and the person who's taking care of her!"
Posted on Wednesday, 22 October 2003
"And in Life's noisiest hour,
There whispers still the ceaseless Love of Thee,
The heart's Self-solace and soliloquy.
You mould my Hopes, you fashion me within;
And to the leading Love-throb in the Heart
Thro' all my Being, thro' my pulse's beat;
You lie in all my many Thoughts, like Light,
Like the fair light of Dawn, or summer Eve
On rippling Stream, or cloud-reflecting Lake.
And looking to the Heaven, that bends above you,
How oft! I bless the Lot that made me love you."
(Coleridge)
"I have but to be by thee, and thy hand
Will never let mine go, nor heart withstand
The beating of my heart to reach its place.
When shall I look for thee and feel thee gone?
When cry for the old comfort and find none?
Never, I know! Thy soul is in thy face."
(Robert Browning)
Caroline bit her upper lip in shame, her gaze dropped to the floor and her cheeks were set aflame by shame and anger. Despite her marriage to Lord Terrence Bowfield and the birth of her three daughters she had no fancy for children whatsoever and felt no desire to change her disposition. A heavy air was protruding the atmosphere, nobody talked and all that was heard was Maria's quiet sobbing.
"I suggest that you apologise to Miss Bennet and my daughter and then we'll let it pass!" His voice was cold and wrapped in authority and coldly held back disgust.
Caroline's head jerked up, she was not used to being addressed in such a distant tone. As much as she might have intruded upon Mr. Darcy's privacy in the past he had always treated her with courtesy and gentlemanlike respect. Having her vanity smoothed by those surrounding her was her aim in life and seeing her pride crushed like this wasn't something she would accept easily.
"We're waiting!" Darcy's eyes grew stern.
Suddenly Elizabeth came forward and curtsied before Lady Caroline Bowfield.
"Madam, it's a delight to meet you. I'm certain that both of us find the manner of our first encounter to be deplorable but there is no reason to hold a grudge against each other. Be assured that I neither hold you responsible for cruelty or rudeness. Let's begin once more and plant the seeds for our friendship with a proper introduction." Elizabeth smiled kindly but there was a twinkle in her fine eyes. "My name is Elizabeth Bennet, my profession is that of a private nurse and I was send here to take care of little Maria," she finished patting Maria's shoulder. Sensing that Maria had stopped sobbing she kissed her tousled head affectionately.
Darcy found her way of handling delicate matters such as this to be most impressive. Unlike any woman he had met before she had not jumped at the possibility for feminine cattiness but resolved the situation with dignity and overwhelming sovereignty. But the twinkle glowing in her eyes didn't escape his notice. So she wasn't doing this through her heart's kindness but to teach Lady Bowfield a lesson.
Caroline answered Elizabeth's curtsy with a slight one of her own. This woman's fiendish kindness hurt her pride more than Mr. Darcy's coldness. Burying her fingers in the folds or her skirts she responded to Elizabeth's greeting through clenched teeth and with hatred in her eyes.
"I'm delighted to make your acquaintance, Miss Bennet. And please accept my heartfelt apologies for speaking to you in such a manner."
Elizabeth smiled and left the manor without uttering another word. Suddenly a thirst for fresh air overcame her in a rush and Maria was in need of the sunshine anyhow. Leaving Mr. Darcy with that orange creature filled her with regret and compassion but Maria was her first responsibility. Anything else came second in her mind.
"Welcome to Pemberley, Lady Bowfield." Darcy greeted her frostily.
"I've missed this house quite a lot in the past few months.." Caroline admitted with a pleased look at the environment.
"But weren't you having another grand tour through Europe? I suppose Lord Bowfield had to travel abroad again?"
Caroline handed her cape to the butler and re-arranged the folds of her gown as she spoke.
"Yes, Milord was sent to France to sign some papers for the crown. Louisa and I were so bored, we just wanted to leave Bowfield Hall and visit our friends." She suddenly remembered something. "Thank you, Sir, for inviting us to Pemberley. Louisa and Mr. Hurst will join us here tomorrow. I hope that we might give a ball in due time?" She had no sense for proper timing and civility whatsoever. There couldn't have been a moment more grating on Darcy's nerves as the one she had picked for her vain request now.
"Lady Bowfield, may I remind you of my daughter's delicate constitution and her importance to me? I shall give the matter some thought and will inform you accordingly. Of course I can grasp your need for society fully but please remember that you and I differ in many crucial characteristics. Seeing her frown at this he could barely conceal his urge to smile at her babylike grimace he continued in a lighter tone. "We shall of course have some company at Pemberley, you won't be bored here."
Caroline's spirits rose as she heard his voice growing softer and having her feet on firm ground again she grew bolder.
"I'm delighted to hear that you are worrying about me feeling entertained concerns you that much. I always tell Louisa that one only has to visit Pemberley to have one's spirits lifted and to enjoy the most exquisite company..." Here Darcy stopped listening to her prattling and wished himself to be outside with his daughter and...a pair of fine eyes shining with mirth and kindness.
"Maria, lets sit down here in the grass!" Elizabeth tried to lighten up the atmosphere but Maria kept clinging to her and wouldn't let go.
"Maria, what is it? Did Mistress Foxy insult you?"
Maria giggled against her own will. Mistress Foxy! It was priceless!
Elizabeth used this moment of mirth to put Maria down and cover the grass with a flurry blanket. Then she sat down and invited Maria into her arms with an impish grin.
"What's amusing you, Maria? Is it anything I said?" Elizabeth felt that it was right to instigate the fire of laughter and mirth. Maria broke down with laughter and kept giggling until her cheeks grew rosy and her belly started to ache. She had not laughed this hard in years.
"Lisa, please say it again!" Maria begged, tears of gaiety
in her eyes.
Elizabeth handed Maria a glass of water and a biscuit that was decked with honey.
"What do you mean, my dear?" Elizabeth still feigned innocence.
"Ah, don't make me beg you!" Maria hopped around her like a young little rabbit. Seeing her charge thriving like this within only a few hours she couldn't help but be proud at herself.
"Ah, you want to talk of Mistress Foxy again? But she isn't a very amusing subject for a polite conversation, now is she?" Elizabeth sounded dead serious.
Peals of laughter emerged from Maria who was eating her biscuit eagerly.
"Do you want another one?" Elizabeth offered kindly.
Maria ate three more biscuits and after taking another sip of water she fell asleep on the blanket. Elizabeth pulled a blanket over her and watched her tenderly. Maria was on the right way and she'd do anything in her power to keep her on the path of healing and happiness.
It had been a long day for Fitzwilliam Darcy and he was aware of it. The meaningless chatter with Lady Bowfield, the longing for Maria's company and his desire for solitude only added to his dismay. Fleeing to Anne's portrait he found himself to be rather unhappy in front of her kind face. Holding the locket with her miniature in it he sat down in front of the portrait and picked up the book he had been reading the last time. It was an essay on Shakespeare's tragedies. The sound of footsteps alerted him and being prepared for the worst he turned towards the door to greet Lady Bowfield. But instead of his nightmare in orange Miss Elizabeth Bennet stood in the doorframe holding a basket with needlework. She was wearing a white muslin gown with long translucent sleeves. A little ruby-cross was hanging on the chain around her neck.
"May I come in?" Her voice was soft and not demanding like Caroline's.
He nodded gravely. "Of course, please have a seat!"
Elizabeth accepted his invitation and started embroidering a handkerchief. The pattern was rather difficult, she had chosen violets and snowdrops and those required most gentle and small stitches. Suddenly she put down the tambour frame and began to speak.
"Mr. Darcy, may I talk to you?"
"Miss Bennet, I'm not used to you asking me for my approval for the things you're decided to do. How come you've changed this pattern?" There was sarcasm in his voice but also the faint hint of humour.
"I suppose my being better acquainted with you causes the shifting of my tactic, sir." She sounded merry.
"I wasn't aware that we're in the middle of a battle, Madam!" he retorted with a little smile.
"Oh, but we are! There can be no doubt in that matter!"
"And what will be your next maneuver?" She had never heard him talk so jovially.
"Honesty, Sir," Elizabeth gave back in earnest.
"Then speak up, I pray you!"
"Pardon my impertinence but isn't it time to..." her voice faltered.
"To...???" He was puzzled.
"....to put those who're gone from us to rest?" Elizabeth expected to be lashed with fury for those words. But he remained deadly calm.
"That only time can do..." he responded icily.
"I know it's hard to let go and..." she broke off at the hurt in his beautiful eyes.
Darcy had left his chair slowly and was pacing up and down the room like a hunted down deer. Suddenly he halted in front of her and handed the tambour frame to her cold hands. She didn't flinch but her face blanched.
"Why don't you get back to this? You're excellent at piercing!" His words weren't hissed or snarled but sounded indifferent and all the affability and friendship that had been between them was gone. Before Elizabeth found a possibility to express her regret he had left the room without giving her as much as another glance.
Posted on Tuesday, 4 November 2003
I TELL you, hopeless grief is passionless;
That only men incredulous of despair,
Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air
Beat upward to God's throne in loud access
Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness,
In souls as countries, lieth silent-bare
Under the blanching, vertical eye-glare
Of the absolute Heavens. Deep-hearted man, express
Grief for thy Dead in silence like to death--
Most like a monumental statue set
In everlasting watch and moveless woe
Till itself crumble to the dust beneath.
Touch it; the marble eyelids are not wet:
If it could weep, it could arise and go.
(Elizabeth Barrett Bowning)
"All love is sweet, given or returned.
Common as light is love,
And its familiar voice wearies never."
(Shelley)
Just as Lady Bowfield had announced to Mr. Darcy her sister and Mr. Hurst came to Pemberley in due time but bringing along Mr. Bingley which consoled Darcy just a little. The prospect of as much company didn't hold much pleasure for him and his determination to rid himself of this private nurse was just as strong as it had been on day he had permitted her to remain at Pemberley. Maria's affection for Lisa, as she called her, had come as an unwanted surprise though.
"Don't you agree, Mr. Darcy?" someone asked impatiently.
Torn from his thoughts he made no response but gave an approving nod to the person staring at him. Lady Bowfield wasn't known for her sense of timing and indeed, she had proven it once again. Darcy wasn't fond of her but his decorum and the friendship he felt for Bingley made him treat her respectfully even though his kindness towards her was rather shallow. And no matter how one might reproach him for it, his reasons didn't lack sense or taste. The biting orange of her dress insulted his eyes, her exaggerated use of makeup offended his love for natural beauty and overall, her tasteless manner of overdressing at the most simple occasions caused more mirth and laughter than admiration. Evidently the only redeeming quality she possessed was a pleasing voice. Having gained his approval she made her way to the piano and as Bellini's melancholic melodies came forth her voice soared above them like an eagle. The selection she had chosen was "Vaga luna, che inargenti", a personal favourite of Darcy's.
Vaga luna, che inargenti
queste rive e questi fiori
ed inspiri agli elementi
il linguaggio dell'amor;
testimonio or sei tu sola
del mio fervido desir,
ed a lei che m'innamora
conta i palpiti e i sospir.
As she was singing Darcy scrutinized the music room attentively. For the first time in months Maria was present after dinner, an event, he had to admit, he owed to the private nurse who, dressed in white muslin yet again, was seated next to Maria listening to Bellini's wondrous beauty with awed eyes. There was admiration in her beautiful face and suddenly he found himself staring at her quite openly. She, who had caught his glance, returned it with a kind smile and a glimmer of tenderness in her mysterious eyes. As the song came to an end he witnessed her truthful applause and was moved by it for he knew that she didn't care much for Lady Bowfield.
"Thank you, my dear sister!" Bingley congratulated his sister and, with a smile, came towards Miss Bennet. "Miss Bennet, would you honour us with a song? I'm sure we'd all be delighted to hear you!" His words were kindly meant but they stirred such an amount of embarrassment within her that she blushed quite openly. Darcy was charmed and, quite unusual for his temper and disposition, he agreed with Bingley that it would be a delight to hear her sing.
"Yes, please Lisa, you have such a pretty voice," Maria exclaimed and adding her regard she continued thus "I'd be so happy to hear you!"
Elizabeth smoothed to folds of her dress attempting to soothe her nervousness and got up from her chair with a smile. Approaching the piano she felt the bitter glance of Lady Bowfield who felt that her territory was in danger. Not wanting to embarrass herself in front of society she chose none of the heavy Bellinian songs but a simple aria by Mozart, Cherubino's "Voi che sapete" from his charming masterpiece "Le nozze di Figaro". Her voice wasn't a rich mezzosoprano like Lady Bowfield's but a lyric soprano of ease and sparkling lightness.
Voi, che sapete che cosa è amor,
Donne, vedete s'io l'ho nel cor!
Quello ch'io provo, vi ridirò,
È per me nuovo; capir nol so.
Sento un affetto pien di desir,
Ch'ora è diletto, ch'ora e martir.
Feeling her courage rise she sang out fully and gave a splendid performance of the aria. But after the aria had ended she refused every request for another song and approached Lady Bowfield with a request of her own.
"Lady Bowfield, I very much admire your style in Bellini, may I be so bold and ask you to sing my very favourite Bellinian song?"
Lady Bowfield frowned at first but her face soon mellowed at Miss Bennet's request. "And which song might that be?" Her tone stung.
"It's actually an aria, something like "Ah non...," here Elizabeth let her voice falter as if trying to remember the title of the aria. Her hope was that Lady Bowfield would know the title and then the friendly atmosphere might be rekindled with her reborn pride.
"Do you mean "Ah non credea" from one of his operas?" Lady Bowfield asked smiling. Indeed, this Miss Bennet was as ignorant as she had thought.
"Of course, the very one, you're right. "Ah non credea mirarti" from his "La Sonnambula". There is a selection for Maria Malibran that may as well have been written for your voice. I've seen the score on the piano, would you honour us with this masterpiece?"
Her pride nourished Lady Bowfield allowed Miss Bennet to have an education on some level, nonetheless it couldn't touch her own of course. Making her way to the piano she somewhat felt gratitude towards the private nurse for praising her talent in such a manner, ah, but the insolence shining in her eyes as she boasted with her knowledge of Bellini!
Ah,non credea mirarti
presto estinto, o fiore;
passasti al par d'amore,
che un giorno sol duro.
As Lady Bowfield's voice rose Darcy returned to watching Miss Bennet. Her maneuver to keep the good atmosphere for Maria was most admirable, he had to concede. Seeing her whispering with Maria he felt a sting of jealousy, how come she knew how to get along with Maria so well? Watching them further he saw Maria coming towards himself and reaching him she started pulling his sleeve.
"What is it, little princess? Don't you like the song?"
"Oh yes, I do! But Papa, I need to ask you something!" Maria appeared agitated.
"And what might that be?" Darcy gave back smiling.
"Promise first!" Maria insisted.
"Alright then, my little darling. I promise! Now what is it you want? A pony? Piano-lessons? A new book?"
"No, I want you to..." here Maria's cheeks grew scarlet-red.
"What?"
"I want you to keep Lisa with us forever!" she finally admitted.
"Good morning, Mr. Darcy!" Elizabeth greeted him as she entered the parlour.
"Good morning, Miss Bennet!" The week he had promised her had come to an end and despite her calm appearance he could sense her fear. Not that anything about her had changed. She was still the cheerful, pretty private nurse with the charming smile and her gown was just as tidy, her hair just as shiny and her countenance as happy as it used to be ever since he had known her.
"I've come to ask you if you've made your decision regarding my position in this household," she stated with an air of formality.
Puzzled by her rather indifferent tone he made no answer but nodded firmly.
"Well?" Her anxiety was visible in her eyes only.
"Miss Bennet, I've watched your activities in this house carefully ever since you came here. I have no intention of mingling private dislike or gratitude with business-affairs and it's not my wish to prolong your distress by keeping your mind in fear any longer," He paused for a moment. "Because it has been my pleasure to see how Maria thrived in your care I hereby ask you to remain with us at Pemberley for as long as it is needed for my daughter to get well. Will you accept?"
Her response came immediately. "I accept your offer with gratitude and pleasure!" Elizabeth cried and, having her doubts erased, smiled thankfully. "I promise that you shall not regret your decision!"
"Maria's happiness is the only assurance, I need. But I'm grateful to you for having such excellent intentions..." His smile was short-lived but it was there nonetheless; she returned it with a mirthful gleam in her eyes.
"Such is my profession, Sir!" she responded.
"Indeed, an excellent calling, I concede."
"Won't this do your past assertions regarding my being a private nurse much harm?" she questioned.
"Not at all, for now I know that there are most astonishing exceptions even for the rules one regards to be faultless," he gave back most sincerely. "If you'll excuse me now, Miss Bennet, I have business to attend to." He rose and, remembering their rather unlucky conversation some days ago offered the following apology.
"Before I leave I'd like to ask you to forgive me for ending our last private conversation in such a harsh manner!"
"You had every right to do so, Sir!"
"I had no right to treat you rudely, Miss Bennet. And by the twitching corners of your mouth I can tell that you agree with me!"
Elizabeth nodded most gracefully.
"Indeed, I do. But let's forget about this most unhappy event, shall we?"
Now it was his turn to nod, surprised though he was because he wasn't used to women being that generous with their forgiveness and holding their position towards those of the other sex so gracefully. Accepting her proposal of forgetting the unhappy conversation was just what he had hoped for and, he had to admit, it was most suitable to his pride. Once more he wanted to express his gratitude without words. Leaving for the door he turned back towards her and gave her a glance of thankfulness.
Thank you for coming here! his heart added.
Chapter Six ~ Her Divine Skill Taught me This
Posted on Sunday, 30 November 2003
Yes, thou art gone! and never more
Thy sunny smile shall gladden me;
But I may pass the old church door,
And pace the floor that covers thee,
May stand upon the cold, damp stone,
And think that, frozen, lies below
The lightest heart that I have known,
The kindest I shall ever know.
(Anne Bronte)
"Her divine skill taught me this,
That from every thing I saw
I could some instruction draw,
And raise pleasure to the height
Through the meanest objects sight."
(William Wordsworth)
After taking Maria's temperature Elizabeth smiled at the little child gazing at her with a curious look. In the two weeks Elizabeth had spent at Pemberley her charge had thrived and grown healthier each day. Elizabeth Bennet's treatments for Maria were nothing special to ignorant eyes for they didn't consist of medicine, needles, bleeding or anything else medical but of walks in the fresh air, healthy food, a lot of sunshine and love. Despite her rather mild treatments she never forgot to take Maria's temperature or to see to it that she had all the rest she required.
"Well?" Maria asked anxiously.
"There is no fever, my dear. You're completely alright!" Her words shone with love and triumph.
Maria couldn't believe it at first. Staring at Lisa she made no move until her beloved nurse came to her rescue taking her in her arms happily. Finally Maria gave way to her emotions and threw her arms around Elizabeth's neck. Feeling her growth Elizabeth couldn't help but be proud of herself. There was no reason for calling this a miracle and there was still much to be done but Maria was over the toughest hill. With her family continuing the treatment her work here was done and, in good faith, she couldn't accept a salary for something for which her presence was not required. Still, she felt uneasy about leaving in a week for not only had she come to be very fond of Maria but also of the lovely grounds of Pemberley.
"Oh, Lisa! How wonderful, shall we go on our sunshine tour now?" Maria was beaming with joy.
Our sunshine tour, Elizabeth thought feeling both delighted and moved. It had become their daily routine to rise at seven o'clock in the morning to go for a walk in the sunrise. Elizabeth was convinced that the early sunlight not only refreshed like nothing else she knew but that it bore strength, stamina and fortitude and that, by absorbing it, people were growing both mentally and physically. It was to be their sunshine tour for a week and then either Mr. Darcy or Mrs. Reynolds would take over; this thought stung in her heart more than it usually did.
"Of course, we shall go as soon as you're dressed," Elizabeth responded warmly. "And don't forget to brush your hair, sweetheart!"
Maria's hair was all her pride, Elizabeth knew that. Remembering how it had looked like when she had first laid eyes on it she couldn't help but smile looking at the mass of dark curls on Maria's head. They were shiny and glossy and looked most exquisite when combed well with a ribbon or two.
"Oh, do I have to wear the ribbons today?" Maria sulked but her voice sounded pleasant.
Stroking Maria's tousled head Elizabeth produced new red ribbons from her pocket and presented them to the little girl.
"Might these change your mind?" Elizabeth's eyes sparkled at Maria's joy. "To celebrate our first day without any fever, perhaps?"
"Thank you so much! Oh, they are magnificent! They'll do well with my white dress!"
Yet another field Maria was becoming better and better in. At the beginning she didn't care about her appearance at all but under Elizabeth's guidance Maria's sense for fashion was blossoming rapidly. There was no vain cord in her, just the desire to look well and thus pleasing the people she loved. And she loved Lisa and her Papa dearly. In her mind each of them was most precious and it was only logical that the unison of the persons she loved so much meant everything to her.
"Indeed, they will, sweetheart! Do you want me to help you getting dressed?" Elizabeth offered.
"No, thank you. I'll do it all by myself!"
Those words meant the world to Elizabeth who had been waiting for them most patiently. It had been one of her most important purposes to guide Maria to independence in all the things necessary for a fulfilled childhood. But yet another hint that her stay at Pemberley was coming to an end.
Fitzwilliam Darcy had been an early riser ever since he could remember. At present he treasured those early hours of peace even more for his guests usually came down late and until then there was time for walks, business or thinking. This morning his steps led him to Anne's portrait and, as usual, she smiled at him kindly. Clasping the locket with her miniature he let his thoughts drift, there was so much on his mind. Her successes with Maria were too obvious to be ignored, her wit too sharp not to be admired and her way of radiating with luminous joy and happiness too enticing not to be wished for. In her company he could breathe freely without the iron ring of dried up formality around his chest.
On the other hand there was the ton to consider. Miss Bennet was a gentleman's daughter but her relations on her mother's side were rather poor and none of them were among his acquaintances. Another reason why it would be a most unsuitable match was her rather peculiar reputation as a private nurse; society did not approve of women who had escaped the lot of marriage or honourable spinsterhood, there was no pity for such women.
And there was Maria. His daughter, his little princess. Of course she adored her Lisa but would she be able to endure all the difficulties and hardships brought upon her by having Elizabeth Bennet as a stepmother? Would it diminish her possibilities in marriage? Also, it was hard for her still to find friends among other children, wouldn't such a mismatch make it even worse? Thoughts such as these came and went and, even though it might sound perverse, he wanted to ask Anne for her opinion. If only Miss Bennet were of the same social status as Anne...
Suddenly an idea crossed his mind inspired by Maria's earlier request to keep Lisa at Pemberley forever. There was no way she could refuse his offer and by accepting it she would make him happier than people could imagine.
"Are you ready, Maria?" Elizabeth was carrying a blanket, a basket filled with strawberries and a can of cold tea.
"Yes, of course! Lets run!" Maria dashed towards the door.
Elizabeth caught her in a loving embrace. As usual she carried Maria downstairs into the garden. But this time Maria nearly jumped from her arms and went towards the grassy area close to the pond to pick up daisies for Lisa who was preparing the blanket and their breakfast. After having collected a handful of the charming flowers she hopped back and handed the little bouquet to Lisa.
"Oh, how lovely! Thank you, dearest!" Lisa accepted the flowers with a graceful nod. "Do you want some strawberries and tea?"
"Yes please!" Maria took a sip of her tea and put a little strawberry in her mouth. "It's so wonderfully sunny this morning, isn't it?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"It's so wonderfully sunny!" Maria was confused by Lisa's flustered appearance.
"Yes, it is indeed..." Lisa's eyes watered at the sight of Maria's smile. Maria threw her little arms around her neck immediately and gave her a long, loving hug.
"Lisa, are you sad? Can I help?"
Lisa smiled at her through tearful eyes and caressed her cheek with the back of her hand. "I'm not really sad, sweetheart. I'm happy that you're doing so well..."
"I love you, Lisa!" Maria snuggled closer.
Lisa returned Maria's hug lovingly.
"I love you too, Maria!"
After reading a story to Maria before she went for a nap Elizabeth retired to the library to read and be alone for a while. Browsing through all the volumes she was about to pick Christopher Marlowe's "Dr. Faustus" when the door was opened and a rather distressed Mr. Darcy appeared.
"Miss Bennet, may I speak to you for a moment?" His voice was steady but tense.
She put the book back in the shelf and sat down on a chair at a distance and invited him to do the same. But instead of having a seat he was pacing up and down the room. His entire appearance was tense, his broad shoulders were so straight that it looked painful and his eyes seemed to look for something they couldn't find.
"What can I do for you, Mr. Darcy? Is it something about Maria?"
He halted for a moment but resumed his restless pacing as soon as she mentioned his daughter's name. Turning towards her he gave her a look of touching intensity and started to speak.
"In vain I have sought to give my daughter the love and patience that she needs to get well. It will not do, the truth cannot be ignored. Please allow me to tell you how grateful I am for what you're doing for my child and how much I've grown to think of you as part of the family. As you know, what Maria needs most is a mother. And you are..." he broke off.
Elizabeth was far too overwhelmed to speak, his intentions were clear and not at all unwelcome.
"What I am asking you to do is to remain with this family; will you consent to be Maria's governess and private nurse all in one? Of course your salary will be raised and you shall have greater apartments. And..."
She had risen from her chair and was seeking his glance.
"I am sorry. I cannot. I am afraid I have to leave in a week, just as we've originally planned," she responded honestly.
Chapter Seven ~ The Mirror of my Mazed Heart
Posted on Tuesday, 24 February 2004
BE nought dismayed that her unmoved mind,
doth still persist in her rebellious pride:
such love not like to lusts of baser kind,
The harder won, the firmer will abide.
The durefull Oake, whose sap is not yet dried,
is long ere it conceive the kindling fire:
but when it once doth burn, it doth divide
great heat, and makes his flames to heaven aspire.
So hard it is to kindle new desire,
in gentle breast that shall endure for ever:
deep is the wound, that dints the parts entire
with chaste affects, that naught but death can sever.
Then think not long in taking little pain
to knit the knot, that ever shall remain.
(Edmund Spenser, Amoretti: Sonnet VI)
FAIR eyes, the mirror of my mazed heart,
what wondrous virtue is contained in you
the which both life and death forth from you dart
into the object of your mighty view?
For, when ye mildly look with lovely hue,
then is my soul with life and love inspired:
but when ye lour, or look on me askew
then do I die, as one with lightning fired.
But since that life is more then death desired,
look ever lovely, as becomes you best,
that your bright beams of my weak eyes admired,
may kindle living fire within my breast.
Such life should be the honour of your light,
such death the sad ensample of your might.
(Edmund Spenser, Amoretti: Sonnet VII)
"Maria, are you unwell?" Elizabeth's voice was concerned and grew louder as she touched the little girl's forehead. "You haven't had a high fever for a long time, please let me take your temperature!" Having battled down her worries she brought her forehead to Maria's little brow and felt the heat coming from Maria's red face. "Sweetheart, you'll have to lie down. We'll go on our sunshine tour tomorrow but I'll carry you and there can be no hopping this time." Lisa's warm voice sounded serious but not stern.
"Have I done something wrong?" Maria looked pale and sad.
"Oh no, you haven't done anything wrong, Maria!" Elizabeth held Maria close. "Maybe we overdid it today. If you get enough rest tomorrow you shall be fine!" But no matter how warm Lisa's smile was or how hopeful her words sounded, Maria felt defeated and unhappy. All she had wanted to do was to be a healthy little girl but her body didn't let her do that. With Lisa by her side she had felt invincible but that too had been an illusion. She was still ill and no matter how she was treated, she would remain sick until the very end.
"No, I shall not be fine! I thought I was well today and now I have a fever again!" Tears welled up in her innocent eyes. Burying her little head in Lisa's arms she began to sob loudly letting out all the heartache she had nursed inside for so many years of her young life.
"No, you will be alright, Maria!" a serene voice whispered close to her ear. There wasn't a hint of doubt in this loving voice but Maria wasn't convinced.
"Stop promising things that can't possibly come true! You've been here for quite some time now and I'm not well!"
Elizabeth wasn't hurt by this outburst for it was normal that Maria would expect her health to be fully restored in no time. Maria still believed in miracles, it was a painful lesson to learn. "Maria, listen to me! You will get well! I know it. I came here to give you hope and health. Will you trust me once more?" Maria had pulled away from Lisa and hid under the covers, something she had not done since Lisa had entered her life. She didn't want her to see, nobody should see her tears flow and her fear choking her little chest. No, she shouldn't see that the she was aware what would happen to her.
"Maria, darling, can't you tell me what scares you so? It's me, it's your Lisa, remember? I'll do anything in my power to help you. But you have to tell me first!" Elizabeth's voice was calm, she was waiting for Maria to relate her sorrow to her. But when Maria said it at last it was even worse than she had feared.
Crawling out from beneath the covers Maria's face was stained with tears, she was trembling with fear. "I'm going to die, am I not?" Maria burst into tears again. "I'm going to die, just like Mama and then Papa will be all alone! I know that he misses Mama so dreadfully; sometimes I sneak downstairs and see him close to her portrait, sighing, sometimes even weeping! And I am the reason for it! Because I was born Mama had to die! I wanted to make it up to him so he wouldn't be alone! I thought if he were with you he wouldn't miss me..." Those last words cut Elizabeth's heart in two. Mr. Darcy feared that this girl didn't love him who had just proven her devotion to him in the most pure manner? Maria's fear of death was unfounded but how was she supposed to know? Ever since being born she had been treated as a weakling and nobody had shown any faith in her, not even her own father.
"Maria, let me free you of those fears. I promise you that you won't die and that you'll be well. You didn't cause your mother's death. Do not blame yourself for something you haven't done. I know that your father is still mourning your Mama very much but you're not to blame for that either. You're his sunshine and his pride and if you get well it might put an end to his mourning. A light went out a long time ago and has been mourned with much sorrow. But Maria, if you get well and be your true, jovial self, your light can burn for us!"
"You-you think? I am not dying? There is no secret?" Maria's voice brightened for she knew that Lisa would not lie or pretend in such an important case. "And I will get well? You're not telling me that to sweeten the short time I have left?"
"I wouldn't lie to you for any reason. I promise you'll get well. That is why I came here!" Lisa's voice was full of confidence and love, there was no reason to doubt her. Maria embraced Lisa softly. "I'm sorry for making a fool of myself, I mean.. I..." she began to stutter.
"You didn't make a fool of yourself. You told me something very important, something I needed to hear. It is necessary for you to be at ease if you want to get well. By listening to you I can free you of your fears, don't think that asking me for advice or telling me your fears is foolish. Don't you agree?" Lisa's eyes sparkled.
Maria nodded and yawned silently. She felt terribly tired. "You're tired now, aren't you?" Lisa smiled. "Lets wash your face and get you ready for bed. Before you fall asleep I'll give you some tea, remember the herbs we collected on our sunshine tour today?" Maria merely nodded again and gave herself into the care of her beloved private nurse. Lisa's tea didn't taste all that bad because Lisa had sweetened it with honey and added several biscuits as a good and delicious dinner. Maria fell asleep after swallowing the last bite of her dinner. Whispering a soft Good night Lisa left Maria's room on tiptoe. She didn't want to wake her peaceful sleep.
Darcy's head was spinning and aching with thoughts about Elizabeth. Sitting by Anne's portrait, the place where he usually found his answers, he felt helpless and foolish. Had he misunderstood the glimmer in her fair eyes for something it was not? Had she hoped for something he couldn't give? That she was capable of refusing his offer amazed and surprised him, he wasn't used to being rejected, no matter what he offered. Anne had accepted his offer of marriage with quiet joy.... But this did not involve marriage but his daughter and what was best for her. How would Maria bear the pain of losing her Lisa? Just as he had this thought a gentle knock echoed through the room.
"May I come in?" Elizabeth asked.
"Of course, Miss Bennet!" he answered even though he felt no desire to see her now. Seeing her entering the room in her modest grey gown he suddenly imagined her in daring colours like red silk, emerald green velvet or yellow satin; but even in this simple grey dress without any jewelry except a delicate ruby-cross on a silver chain around her slender neck she looked delightful.
Unlike her normal pattern of sitting down by his side she remained standing, her entire appearance was tense and lacked her usual ease. "Mr. Darcy, I have just taken care of Maria, she is asleep now. She had a fever tonight, it seems that she overdid it today. But don't worry, as long as the fever doesn't come back as a constant situation we're on the right path," She paused shortly to take a deep breath and then continued ardently, "Mr. Darcy, did you ever tell your daughter how sincere her illness is? Does she know what exactly is plaguing her?"
Darcy was surprised by her question. Maria had never asked about her illness and it wasn't a subject he was eager to discuss, not even with a private nurse. "Miss Bennet, I'm sure that Maria knows that her illness cannot be defined and even the doctors are wondering what it is. How am I supposed to know?" It sounded more defensive than sincere.
"I didn't say that you're supposed to know the medical terms even though this illness has several very common names which you might have discovered for yourself if you had talked to her more!" Her voice was ablaze, her eyes were glowing. Putting her hands on her hips she awaited his answer.
"I suppose you were able to do what no doctor could do then?" he shot back angrily. Darcy rarely felt anger, it was a feeling he regarded with contempt. But ever since Miss Elizabeth Bennet had entered his house he felt angry and helpless more than once. Only moments ago he had considered apologizing to her for treating her rather coldly in the past but now this feeling had been stifled by Elizabeth herself. Her boldness was beyond description.
"Mr. Darcy, please hear me out. I am not saying this to offend you but to inform you of Maria's true suffering. Your daughter is suffering from fear, guilt and immense pressure. When I took her temperature tonight she broke down because the fever has returned. When I asked her what truly made her cry like this she finally revealed everything to me." Here Elizabeth paused, knowing that the truth would hurt him deeply. But no matter how much she wished to please him instead she knew it was her duty to look after Maria. "Maria feels that she is to blame for her mother's death. Accusing herself of being responsible for your mourning her feelings of guilt and sadness undermine her health. You see, Maria isn't ill. But the constant pressure and her missing the mother she has never known would make a grown up person ill, not to mention a petite little child!" She concluded softly but with much determination and emotion.
It rarely happened that Darcy lost his speech in discussions as important as this one but this was one of those rare occasions. At first he merely stared, blanched and remained silent. After a most hurtful moment he responded. "You mean to tell me that I am responsible for my daughter's unstable health?" His voice was bare of any reproach or sharpness, all it contained were bitterness and shock.
Overcome by the compassion she felt for him at this moment Elizabeth clasped his hands in hers and squeezed them affectionately. "No, you are wrong. Remember what I said when we were sitting together in this lovely room? What I want to tell you is that both of you haven't coped with the loss of Anne yet. All you do is reacting differently. Maria is more fragile, therefore her suffering becomes obvious physically. When I entered this room I felt a dark melancholy I rarely have encountered before. I came here to be of help to both of you. Do not plague yourself with feelings of guilt or remorse. Tomorrow you may accompany us on our sunshine tour. Maria will be overjoyed. Believe me, she feels nothing but love for you and wants to see you happy!" Releasing his hands she gave him a warm smile and blushed lightly.
It felt as if she made the burning hole in his heart disappear, she was shining in this ordinary world with unequalled splendour. No matter how modest her dress was, in this moment she surpassed every woman on all the balls among high society he had ever attended. In addition to her striking boldness and refreshing honesty there was a glow of goodness about her, reminding him of Anne's gentle tenderness. "I will gladly come with you, Miss Bennet. Please give me time to think about all this. I bid you a good night!" Responding to her tender gesture he clasped her right hand and brought it to his lips for an instant.
"Good night, Mr. Darcy. I will see you in the morning!" Withdrawing her hand she wondered for a second if his hand didn't feel a little too warm but there was hardly time to feel it so she dismissed this thought immediately. Her being a private nurse certainly had made her very sensitive. When he was gone she fell into his chair to absorb all the news she had heard today. But before she could bring one thought to an end she had fallen asleep.
Having a rather sharp headache Darcy couldn't sleep for hours. He was feeling both restless and unwell. Eager for a book to divert him he put on a robe and went downstairs to read in his favourite salon.
Chapter Eight ~ My Love's Immortal Light
Posted on Wednesday, 3 March 2004
LONG-WHILE I sought to what I might compare
those powerful eyes, which lighten my dark spright,
yet find I nought on earth to which I dare
resemble th' image of their goodly light.
Not to the Sun: for they do shine by night;
nor to the Moone: for they are changed never;
nor to the Stars: for they have purer sight;
nor to the fire: for they consume not ever;
Nor to the lightning: for they still persever;
nor to the Diamond: for they are more tender;
nor unto Crystal: for nought may them sever;
nor unto glass: such baseness mought offend her;
Then to the Maker self they likest be,
whose light doth lighten all that here we see.
(Edmund Spenser, Amoretti, Sonnet IX)
ONE day as I unwarily did gaze
on those fair eyes my love's immortal light:
the whiles my 'stonish'd heart stood in amaze,
through sweet illusion of her looks delight.
I mote perceive how in her glancing sight,
legions of loves with little wings did fly:
darting their deadly arrowes fiery bright,
at every rash beholder passing by.
One of those archers closely I did spy,
aiming his arrow at my very heart:
when suddenly with twinkle of her eye,
the Damsel broke his misintended dart.
Had she not so done, sure I had been slain,
yet as it was, I hardly scap'd with pain.
(Edmund Spenser, Amoretti, sonnet XVI)
Only a few candles were shedding their light into the darkened rooms but Darcy would have found this room without and single light if he had to. It wasn't the first time that a restless night brought him here but this time he felt rather unwell. A persistent headache plagued him but even worse than this constant pain were the temperature swings he felt. At a moment he could feel like burning from within but shiver with coldness outside a second later. Amazed by this rather weird sensation he wiped the sweat off his brow with a handkerchief but this simple action caused him to feel like walking on a rope. For a moment the room seemed to be moving around him, he felt his stomach tightening and bit his lips in a weak effort to calm down. Opening the door to the salon he noticed that a few candles were still burning and sighed with relief. Crossing the room the loveliest sight possible unfolded to his eyes. Sleeping softly Elizabeth was sitting in his chair. Her delicate lips were slightly parted, her beautiful face was at ease; was she having a good dream? Transfixed by her tranquility he watched her, not sure what to do.
The gentle candlelight illuminated her figure, a flickering flame created the illusion of light engulfing her beautiful features. Not wanting to wake her he put his book aside and lifted her up in his arms to carry her upstairs. Her weight was light but still more than the book he had held previously, for a moment he saw dark spots flickering before his eyes. Placing her little head against his shoulder and her arms around his neck he went towards the door. At the foot of the stairs he took a deep breath and began climbing the stairs. With each step he took a sharp pain in his chest was stinging harder and his breathing got more difficult with each breath he took. Stopping abruptly to regain some energy all he could think of was not to let her fall down at whatever cost. Her head dropped from his shoulder and suddenly he felt her waking up in his arms. Overcome by the pain and the surprise he looked down at her and made no effort to let her go.
Opening her eyes Elizabeth found herself in a most peculiar situation. Her employer was carrying her in his arms and they were standing in the middle of the staircase without moving forward or backward. Looking up to him she immediately recognized the feverish glow in his eyes, the sweat on his forehead and his waxen complexion. Following her instincts she brought the back of her hand to his forehead; the heat coming from it was almost painful. Pushing gently she lightened his grip and glided down until her feet touched the ground of the step right above the one he was standing on.
"I am sorry..." he murmured breathlessly. The heat in his chest was burning mercilessly, but at the outside he felt like freezing on the spot. Shivers went through his body like icy lashes with a whip.
"Mr. Darcy, you're ill!" Elizabeth exclaimed, seeing her previous fear confirmed.
"Do not worry about me, it's only a headache..." he tried to soothe her but it was no use. She knew what she saw, and she knew it well. Feeling her hand against his cheek he inhaled forcefully and felt his chest stinging with pain. Before he could fight her she had brought his forehead to her brow to take his temperature. Seeing her so close made another pain come forth, the pain in his heart, the pain of losing her as soon as this week was over. Her cool brow felt soothing and somewhat diminished the pain but seeing her lips so close arose a desire in his heart which was almost impossible to fight. As soon as this thought had crossed his mind she moved away with worried eyes but her voice remained calm, serene and kind.
"Mr. Darcy, you're suffering from a fever. Does your chest hurt? Do you feel chills?" Taking his nod for a yes she pulled out a handkerchief and wiped the sweat off his forehead. "Mr. Darcy, it's most urgent and necessary that you'll obey me now, have you heard me?" He nodded again. "We'll climb the stairs together. Put your arm on my shoulders like this! And while we're going upstairs lean on me, never fear holding on to me, I'm a strong woman! Ever now and then we'll take a break. Breathe slowly but deeply, even if it hurts, it's better than quick shallow breathing!" Feeling his arm on her shoulders she gave him security by holding his hand firmly so that his arm wouldn't slip and began climbing the stairs.
After five steps she stopped and once more wiped off the sweat from his face. "Breathe deeply! I know it hurts but believe me, you'll heal quicker if you keep breathing normally!" Her voice was firm but overflowing with warmth and tenderness. "Mr. Darcy, tell me, where do you hurt? If it's too taxing for you to speak, show me!" Seeing him point at his chest she put her hand at the spot above his heart. "Is it a numb or a stinging pain? Or does it burn?" Nodding his head to her second question he saw her eyes glowing with compassion.
"Mr. Darcy, at first sight you're suffering from a feverish bronchitis. Do you have problems breathing through your nose?" She remembered his hoarse voice from their last conversation. He confirmed her question with another nod of his head. "Are you ready for the next steps?" It took them about twenty minutes to climb the remaining stairs. Even though he he tried to send her away she insisted on taking care of him and he had to admit that she was right. Lying down he felt a little better although it was hard to breathe lying flat on his back. Elizabeth stuffed pillows behind his back so that he could sit up a little and indeed, relief came almost instantly.
"Thank you, Miss Bennet!" He spoke from the bottom of his heart. Her warm smile enchanted him.
"Thank you for trusting me. I know, this is hard for you and I won't plague you with my presence as soon as you're resting!" she promised sincerely. But her promise somewhat stung; he wanted her to remain with him, her presence had such a soothing effect on him, how could he describe this feeling otherwise?
"Miss Bennet, could you..." The words felt like hot marbles in his dry mouth.
"I will get you some tea from the kitchen for your throat. I made some for Maria this evening, I still have enough herbs left. Rest a little, don't speak and if you need me, just ring the bell!" Sitting down on the bed she once more felt his temperature with the back of her hand. "I will prepare some broth as well. And yes, I can read the book you brought downstairs to you as soon as you've taken the tea!" There was a twinkle in her eyes.
How could she possibly have known? He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
When Elizabeth returned she was carrying a tray with tea, broth, a pot with steaming water, a big towel and some herbs. Putting down the tray she placed the tea and the broth on the nightstand and threw the herbs in the steaming water. "Mr. Darcy, I want you to put this towel over your head and to inhale this steam for fifteen minutes. I know this is long and the steam will hurt but it'll give you relief and heal the bronchitis!" Following her orders he did as he was bid and indeed, the steam stung in his chest but also freed his throat and nose, he could breathe freely again. The fifteen minutes passed slowly and when Elizabeth removed the towel from his head he felt relieved.
Rubbing off the sweat he thanked her and his voice sounded much stronger than before.
"We shall do this again in the morning. Please have some tea and if you can, some broth. Now do you want me to read to you?" She had pulled a chair close to his bedside and was about to sit down when his answer came.
"Miss Bennet, I would rather talk to you about what you told me this evening. You were honest with me, now let me be honest with you!" His eyes went to the locket with Anne's portrait which was lying close to him on the blanket.
"I am honoured. As long as it won't me to hard for your to speak I will gladly listen!" Her smile seemed to brighten the room. And thus Darcy's tale began.
The marriage to my cousin had been planned for years. I saw no wrong in obliging my relatives and married her as I was asked to. Anne was quiet, obedient and gentle and with her by my side I was a free as I had been as a bachelor. I didn't see her a lot for she remained at Pemberley most of the time. All this changed when Anne told me that she was with child. Her face was so radiant and beautiful in this moment; I loved her then. But God and nature must have their way. As you have noticed on the portrait, Anne was too weak and too tiny to give birth.
When her time came she knew she wouldn't survive. No matter how the doctors tried to soothe her with lies and promises, she knew. When she told me I felt my heart freezing. I left her side because I was hurting and couldn't bear to look at her. I felt shame, guilt and remorse.
The birth itself never seemed to end. When one of the doctors came to inform me that I had a daughter and that my wife wished to see me I felt relief; it didn't last for long. Seeing her destroyed little body I wanted to die to let her live; I wanted to redeem her. But all she did was smiling at me, as she had done in the short moments of our love. "Fitzwilliam!" she called me. I couldn't move, I felt that if I moved she would break. Lifting her weak arms she finally broke the spell and I rushed to her.
"Anne! My darling wife, you made me so happy!" Kneeling by her side I clasped her weak hand. It was icy, as icy as her smile was radiant. I felt it then. I felt her leaving me; I couldn't even muster the strength to say "My love, live for me!". Instead I asked her a stupid question... It felt so right at this moment! "Anne, God is merciful. Tell him what you desire most! He will grant it! What do you want God to grant you?"
Her eyes darkened with sadness for a moment. "I want to live...longer.." The words came out like a whisper. "But knowing I gave my life for our love makes me happy. I had such a beautiful life for God granted me my most ardent desire: To spend my life with the one I love. Fitzwilliam, you have made me happy by giving a meaning to my life. A moment of God's eternity was brightened by our love and for that I'm thankful. No matter how ill I was during my life, I regret nothing and I thank our Lord that I was born in this world."
Her loving voice cut my heart in two. I couldn't bear to lose this precious soul and I cursed myself for neglecting this angel.
"Fitzwilliam, I want to thank you for being so good to me. You've always protected me and been so good to me!" Anne's voice grew more quiet with each word she spoke. I couldn't weep; I can never weep when I want to. "Take care of our little one for me. She is so little and she loves you so much!" I had abused her trust, I had hurt her without knowing it and now she was thanking me? My throat was in knots but her eyes were as loving in death as in life. Then she gave me the locket you can see right here promising to pray for me in heaven and urged me not to remain alone. After saying Goodbye to everyone she wanted only me by her side, so I sent everyone out.
"Fitzwilliam?"
"Yes, Anne?"
"I did my best. Can I go home now?" Her words ripped me apart. Finally the tears came, I wept like I had never wept before while clinging to her hand.
"Yes, you did incredibly well. Sleep now, dearest, may God and his angels look after you!" I finally pressed the words out but it was too late, Anne had already died. I fled, I couldn't bear it. Ever since then I couldn't forgive myself for being the means of her death...
Looking at Elizabeth he noticed tears blinking in her lovely eyes. "You see Anne in Maria and want to do better with her, am I right? But through Maria you're always reminded of the past and that is why you keep avoiding her?" Her shoulders were shaking as she spoke.
"Indeed, when you spoke of the nature of Maria's sickness this evening all the blame I had locked within me broke forth, it was as if I were reliving the past. I felt powerless and weak but then..."
"Don't say it!" Elizabeth begged. Her guard was about to break down. There was no way she could allow herself such bliss. "Mr. Darcy, please sleep now. You will be much better in the morning!" And you'll thank me for stopping you when I did, she silently added. "Good night!" Her voice was feeble.
"Good night, Miss Bennet!" A grey veil clouded his words, they ware totally stripped of any kind of emotion. Sighing quietly Elizabeth blew out the candles and left Mr. Darcy's bedchamber. There were only a few days left and no matter what her duty was, this was consuming her very soul.