Beginning, Section II, Section III

Chapter Nine ~ Unlike Are We

Posted on Sunday, 7 March 2004

Unlike are we, unlike, O princely Heart !
Unlike our uses and our destinies.
Our ministering two angels look surprised
On one another, as they strike athwart
Their wings in passing. Thou, bethink thee, art
A guest for queens to social pageantries,
With gages from a hundred brighter eyes
Than tears even can make mine, to play thy part
Of chief musician. What hast thou to do
With looking from the lattice-lights at me,
A poor, tired, wandering singer, singing through
The dark, and leaning up a cypress tree ?
The chrism is on thine head,--on mine, the dew,--
And Death must dig the level where these agree.
(Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

How clear she shines!
How quietly I lie beneath her guardian light;
While heaven and earth are whispering me,
'Tomorrow, wake, but dream tonight.'
Yes, Fancy, come, my Fairy love!
These throbbing temples softly kiss;
And bend my lonely couch above,
And bring me rest, and bring me bliss.
(Emily Bronte)

When Elizabeth awoke in the early morning her first path took her to Mr. Darcy to repeat the treatment for his lungs. After having prepared some fresh tea and a healthy breakfast Elizabeth got ready to go upstairs. She had always preferred to prepare meals herself instead of bothering the servants and today she thanked God for it. Not that she felt tired but a nagging distress was plaguing her ever since her last conversation with her employer. Of course she didn't regret stopping him but womanly curiosity made her wonder what he might have said if she had remained silent. When she had looked into her mirror this morning her reflection had not been unpleasant but not overwhelming either. Her life story was part of her features and she had no reason to be ashamed of it now. At sixteen she had been married to her cousin, William Collins, who had died of a heart attack while preaching on women's failures and shortcomings. Exactly nine months after their wedding Elizabeth had given birth to her daughter Ginevra. The birth had almost taken her life and her ability to have another child. As a barren woman with a weak baby on her hip no man had shown any interest in her and so young Elizabeth Bennet had taken her fate in her own hands and decided to become a nurse. Not just a nurse but the best and most qualified nurse in her field, nothing less would have been acceptable.

After Ginevra's birth there had been talk and gossip; some even went so far as to state that Ginevra wasn't William Collins' child after all. Elizabeth had not paid any attention to idle chit chat but when it concerned her daughter she had the strength of a lion. Her baby was weak and constantly ill, no treatment seemed to work. Despite everything Ginevra thrived into pretty little girl with just one handicap: She was mute. She didn't even cry when she was hurting and there was hardly a time without pain for this little girl. Being left in the care of Elizabeth's also widowed sister Jane little Ginevra had a little cousin, Jane's son Matthew, to play with. It seemed that this little boy, who was so like his angelic mother, had found the key to little Ginevra's heart for there was no way to separate the two. No matter how much she seemed to enjoy her cousin's company Ginevra never appeared completely happy when her mother was away as a private nurse.

Thinking of her little daughter's sweet face and her gestures of joy receiving her loving Mama Elizabeth knew that she had made the right decision. Had he proposed to her he would have regretted it after finding out about Ginevra and her being barren. Ever since the doctor had told her that her chances to conceive another baby were practically non existent Elizabeth had avoided every feeling close to romance, love and passion. But this man was tugging so much at her heart, he was consuming her entire soul in a way her profession had never been capable to fullfil her. Climbing the stairs she remembered the feeling of being held by his strong arms, the scent of virility and cologne and the tender gaze he had bestowed upon her. Knocking gently she waited for his reply.

"Who is it?" Mr. Darcy asked in a hoarse voice.

"It's Miss Bennet! May I come in?"

"Of course, do come in, Miss Bennet!"

"Good morning, Mr. Darcy," she greeted him with a warm smile. Suddenly he realized how many smiles she had. There was the affectionate smile she gave Maria, the joyful smile she wore when she was enjoying something and the enigmatic smile she was giving him now. A happy face, always a happy face! Didn't she ever lose the sunshine in her lovely eyes? Was there no way to stir her emotions beyond the affection she was willing to give?

"Good morning, Miss Bennet. I see you brought the steaming water?" Darcy hated the mere sight of the steam remembering how it had stung in his chest. Now she was giving him a smile full of mischief, was she enjoying herself?

"Indeed I brought the water and the herbs. Listening to your voice I can hear that you're much better but there is no way to avoid this treatment. But before you'll go through this hell I'll take your temperature!" Before he could react she had brought his forehead to her brow and held it there for about a minute. Remembering how her lips had enticed him last night he closed his eyes and wanted to pull back while his other self wanted this never to end.

"You have a slight fever but this is normal..." Was she blushing? It was hard to determine because once he opened his eyes he was totally locked in her gaze. Feeling her hands still holding his head he placed his hands on hers to remove them but didn't he clasp her fingers for too long? Slowly and gently he put her hands down and smiled at her. There was no indifference in those affectionate eyes, there was no cruelty in her pure soul.

"Miss Bennet, did I offend you yesterday?" The question was serious and indeed, it hit the mark. Now her face was flushed and she was deliciously flustered.

"No, you didn't offend me at all. How come you're worrying about that?" Elizabeth clearly wanted to ask something else but this appeared to be more secure. Seeing him fold his arms before his chest she inhaled deeply for what was to come now.

"When I spoke to you last night I was unwell and felt miserable, that is true. But you may trust me in this that I'm not a man of such low principles as to be carried away by emotions only to regret it later. Do you understand?" He looked very vulnerable in this moment.

"Yes, I understand you," her words were veiled with emotions but steady.

He approached her slowly and put his hands on her arms sending shivers down to her fingertips. She had seen it coming yesterday but now there was no possibility to escape. He had risen earlier than she had to receive her being perfectly dressed. The scent of his cologne was toying with her sensitive nostrils, she felt herself falling into an abyss and was longing for more.

"Miss Bennet, what I meant to tell you yesterday was that I do not want you to leave Pemberley again. Maria and I depend on you and my daughter truly has grown to love you so much. Can you honestly say that you don't want to remain in this family?"

A life in paradise would have been easier to refuse, all she could to was shake her head. Her shoulders slumped, her felt her body melting under his hands. "Before you reject this offer, hear me out. I too have become very attached to you. When I lost my wife I vowed never even to consider getting married again...." His grip grew tighter and more intense. "Only the Lord knows how much I have struggled, I swear an oath on the bible if necessary that I did not want this to happen but it cannot be helped!"

"Do you know what you're saying?" she asked with tears in her eyes.

"My vision has never been clearer! All I'm asking you to do is to consider accepting my hand in marriage. I'm willing to offer you my name, the share of all my possessions and my heart!" Putting his arms around her waist he held her close; there was no struggle, only the unison of two hearts.

She was too overwhelmed to respond, she merely nodded her head weakly. "Is this a Yes?" he asked smiling broadly.

Elizabeth held on to him for a moment; it was so peaceful to rest her head against his shoulder. "Yes, I will stay for as long as I can, I promise!" Not realizing that she had not accepted his proposal yet he lowered his face to hers and kissed her sweet lips ardently. Countless butterflies seemed to take wing in her stomach; Elizabeth felt a most peculiar sensation as she was responding to his kiss. Unlike William's kisses this one wasn't an intrusion but a gentle caress which did not lack ardour. A thousand stars were sparkling before her eyes, she felt completely at ease. Feeling her clinging to him he grew bolder and deepened the kiss for only an instant; it was then when the private nurse in Elizabeth took over and she insisted on having the treatments done. She knew that there was no way to escape the duty of answering him honestly; her duties wouldn't always suffice as a reason to avoid this subject.

In the early afternoon the entire party was enjoying Lady Bowfield's exquisite voice but no matter how much Darcy was seeking Elizabeth's company she seemed to be totally occupied by Maria. Lady Bowfield had chosen a piece by Rossini this time and just like with Bellini, her singing voice was far more enchanting than her speaking voice.

Una voce poco fa
qui nel cor mi risuonò;
il mio cor ferito è già,
e Lindor fu che il piagò.
Sì, Lindoro mio sarà;
lo giurai, la vincerò.
Il tutor ricuserà,
io l'ingegno aguzzerò.
Alla fin s'accheterà
e contenta io resterò.
Sì, Lindoro mio sarà;
lo giurai, la vincerò.
Io sono docile, son rispettosa,
sono obbediente, dolce, amorosa;
mi lascio reggere, mi fo guidar.
Ma se mi toccano dov'è il mio debole
sarò una vipera e cento trappole
prima di cedere farò giocar.

The young girl was reading to her private nurse and not even Lady Bowfield's playing seemed to reach Elizabeth's ears even though she kindly applauded once the piece was finished. Listening to this woman's chatter wasn't half as pleasant as the music but Darcy bore it with an unmoved face until she began to reveal bits of his beloved's past.

"Isn't it a shame that Miss Bennet never married again?"

Again? She had been married previously? Surely there was some mistake, he had misunderstood! "It seems that she has not seen marriage in a favourable light in the past..." he tried to amend his broken vision.

"And who could blame her after that disastrous marriage to this clergyman? A poor, spiritless creature he was, I declare! And, oh Mr. Darcy, your very own mother in law had been his patroness until he married her!" Every word she spoke struck bleeding wounds in his heart.

"It was a matter of months I presume?" He sounded icy but his heart was ablaze.

"Not even months, he died some weeks after their wedding while he was preaching. A fitting death for a clergyman, haha! But poor Miss Bennet, to raise that daughter of hers all by herself... And she's not normal either!"

Darcy's complexion was ashen by now; he felt sick, even worse than last night. "Her... her daughter?" He was nearly choking on the words. Soon Lady Bowfield found other topics to rattle on but the image of Elizabeth married to another man and having his child was constantly before his eyes. After a while he begged to be excused and retired. He had missed the sunshine tour due to his illness and had mourned this loss but now he felt grateful for it. Just being near her caused his stomach to be in knots. As soon as he had left Elizabeth went after him with some tea and a new book from the library. Little did she expect the thunderstorm her past had caused and how it would tear her world in two.

Chapter Ten

Posted on Tuesday, 16 March 2004

There be none of Beauty's daughters
With a magic like thee;
And like music on the waters
Is thy sweet voice to me:
When, as if its sound were causing
The charmed ocean's pausing,
The waves lie still and gleaming,
And the lull'd winds seem dreaming:
And the midnight moon is weaving
Her bright chain o'er the deep;
Whose breast is gently heaving,
As an infant's asleep:
So the spirit bows before thee,
To listen and adore thee;
With a full but soft emotion,
Like the swell of Summer's ocean.
(Lord Byron)

Beloved, thou hast brought me many flowers
Plucked in the garden, all the summer through
And winter, and it seemed as if they grew
In this close room, nor missed the sun and showers.
So, in the like name of that love of ours,
Take back these thoughts which here unfolded too,
And which on warm and cold days I withdrew
From my heart's ground. Indeed, those beds and bowers
Be overgrown with bitter weeds and rue,
And wait thy weeding; yet here's eglantine,
Here 's ivy !--take them, as I used to do
Thy flowers, and keep them where they shall not pine.
Instruct thine eyes to keep their colors true,
And tell thy soul their roots are left in mine.
(Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

Climbing the stairs slowly pictures of a dear event swept through his mind painfully. When had it been that her shoulders, those fragile shoulders, had given him support so he wouldn't stagger? Still feeling her warmth on his skin he brought his fingertips to his lips. They were cold, nothing of her kiss had remained. Slowing down his pace he suddenly felt his eyes burning with pain, the anger had withdrawn quietly. Feeling exposed and not worthy of her trust he felt the hot drops falling from his eyes as he increased his pace once more. Hearing the door being shut quietly he went on without even turning back to see who it was. Rubbing off his tears with the back of his hand he felt his teeth gritting at this childish gesture. Slamming the door shut he fell into a chair and stared into the flickering flames in the fireplace. Only a moment later a gentle knock was heard, it was more quiet than it used to be.

"It is I, may I come in?" her gentle voice asked with a hint of unusual tenderness. Letting her wait he continued staring into space without moving a muscle. Another knock was heard, this time it was more urgent. "Mr. Darcy, are you unwell?" Her voice was still calm but it was louder than usual. Still he gave no response, it was as if she was not talking to him at all. Her third knock was hurried and her voice was shaking. Of course she knew from experience that he always responded to her knocking, either with a positive or a negative reply; the fact that he did not utter a word had to alarm her tremendously. "Mr. Darcy, I'm coming in!" Her voice was shaking this time. The door was opened calmly, she was excellent at controlling her emotions he observed coldly.

Elizabeth's heart was racing, a clammy feeling tightened her throat as she entered her lover's bedchamber. Had his illness gotten worse or had he just overheard her? The sight before her eyes calmed her at first but only until she saw his empty stare. Forcing down her urge to caress his stiff shoulder she knelt down close to his chair and placed her light hand on the cushion close to him. Her beautiful, slender fingers were clutching the cushion until her knuckles turned white. "Are you hurting? Mr. Darcy, is your chest troubling you?"

As usual she had spotted the location of his pain impressively fast, even though she had missed the source. It seemed that even the most skilled private nurse couldn't make out every wound. Getting up he didn't give her a glance but went to the window and stared into the darkness. The tension between them was stretched beyond every limit, only the flickering flames were heard here and then until he heard her quiet steps coming closer and felt her presence right behind him. "Mr. Darcy, will you not share your pain with me? After all we are one in heart and spirit!"

Sparks lightened off before his eyes, he felt a stinging pain in his throat at her words. Turning around he swallowed hard and met her gaze with an intense glance full of reproach. The word Why? was floating between them but neither of them managed to say it. Instead he picked the easiest target; she herself had offered it.

"For God's sake, stop calling me Mr. Darcy. I have a Christian name, after all we said to each other you should not use such a formal name when conversing with me!" He blurted it out just as it was passing through his mind. The fact that she still addressed him like an employer enraged it beyond any point of reason. His voice sounded stern but there was a hint of sadness in it she had not heard previously. Of course she knew him to be a man of intense feelings but never to be that offended by a single name. A grey shadow veiled her bewitching eyes as she took a step back and bit her lip trying to understand him.

"Elizabeth...." It was the first time he spoke her name and there was so much tenderness in just this one word. His shoulders slumped at the sight of her puzzled face, of course she did not suspect him to know everything. The pain of her not trusting him was nothing compared to the agony he was facing now. Stretching out his arms towards her he watched her coming into his arms in just a few steps; his arms felt heavy as if he were carrying the entire world on his shoulders. His fingers held her slender neck tenderly, feeling her hot face on his breast he placed his chin on the wild mass of her curls to breathe in her natural perfume once more. As if she were melting in his arms she felt herself floating in this passionate embrace; but there was nothing comfortable about this caress. His look had been as tender as it used to be but there was a heavy air of melancholy spreading its dark wings over his handsome face; it was troubling her to her very core. Were his lips moving in her hair? She felt him kissing her forehead, her closed eyelids and finally her mouth consuming all she had to give in one desperate kiss. "Why?" he whispered, his hot breath tickling her lips. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Looking up to him she could see that he was writhing with pain; but not the pain of his chest but the pain of a wound her silence had struck. Freezing she pulled back and turned around so she wouldn't meet his loving eyes with her own. Her shoulders slumped, her head was hanging down as if she were asleep. "I did not want to spoil whatever short time we had to be happy..." she finally said.

Snap!

Burying his fingers in her thin shoulders he turned her around forcefully to face him. "What are you talking about? We have our entire life together ahead of us!"

"I'm so sorry..." She was shaking her head sadly. Her beautiful brow was sorrowfully wrinkled, a sob escaped her throat. "But I never agreed to be your wife. I said I would stay with you for as long as I possibly can but this comes to an end now. My past will always drive us apart, there is no chance that this could possibly work!" She sounded so dreadfully steady and sure.

Darcy felt as if a bolt of lightening had struck him; every word she spoke tore the gentle, peaceful dream he had had to shreds. Under no condition did he permit himself to give her up; no matter how determined she sounded, he knew that she loved him as much as he loved her. But the words he spoke sounded icy; there was a bitter taste of contempt in his voice. "You agreed to be my mistress but not to be my wife?" His words stung; they revived a memory in her heart, a memory she had been trying to forget ever since the day she had found out that she was expecting Ginevra.

Men keep mistresses, they do not marry them, my dear!

While Lady Bowfield went back to the piano her sister tried to talk to Maria but soon quit because Maria seemed to ignore her. Her sister's sad song even caught little Maria's attention. Little did she know that the two people she loved most in this world were going through what she was listening to so happily.

Il mio ben m'abbandonò,
Giusto ciel, come vivrò?
Morirò di dolor,
Crudo amor, crudo amor.
Il mio ben m'abbandonò,
Giusto ciel, come vivrò?
Crudo amor, io morirò di dolor.
Il mio ben, ah! giusto ciel, m'abbandonò,
Giusto ciel, morirò di dolor.
Ah! giusto ciel, come vivrò?
Ah! come, ah! come vivrò?

He realized her withdrawal at his words immediately but being blinded by the emotions of feeling cheated, abandoned and rejected he couldn't see the shadow crossing her face at his cold observation. It was as if she were a young girl of fifteen again, the story began to repeat itself before her very own eyes. Seeing that demanded a reply she straightened her shoulders and spoke up coldly. "If I disappoint you, let me apologise. But remember that I came here to take care of Maria and not to find a husband. Acknowledging what you just said about my nature makes me presume that your intentions were chaste and truthful. However flattered I might be by your attentions, it is impossible for me to accept them!"

"Is this because of your child or because of the marriage you concealed from me, Mrs. Collins?" He saw her writhing with shame as he spoke out her name. Something about her had changed at this moment, her eyes had narrowed themselves to burning slits; filled with thirst for revenge. Lashing out at him her words struck deeply, deeper than she had intended.

"Mr. Darcy, every woman no matter how prudently natured would have been moved by you earlier declaration. I too have given in to my feminine weakness but let me assure you that my eyes are open now and that I'll no longer be misled! The reason I stayed her was Maria. Only days before I came to Pemberley I was told how severe you are and that your pride seems to command you entirely. The way you just spoke would have stifled the greatest doubt I might have had concerning this statement. Has it ever occurred to you that you're not the only one suffering? Did you ever consider that my past might have been painful to me and that concealing it for so long did not mean I was in doubt concerning your sincerity but that, like you, I had to come to terms with had happened to me?" Her hands were clenched to fists, her jaw was trembling with held back sobs.

A lashing with a whip could not have been more painful than her words, filled with so much bitterness and regret. Suddenly he realized that she too had suffered a great deal in her past but, unlike him, she had kept it to herself to support him and never once had she asked him to support her. Feeling what a deep love he had just spurned and offended he looked down on the floor, not even meeting her infuriated glance. "I am sorry..." he tried to make amends but she would not let him.

"Mr. Darcy, there is no difference whether you are sorry or not. My contract expires in a few days and I shall leave then just as we've originally planned!" Her voice was painfully clear but there were tears streaming down her white cheeks.

Overwhelmed by the love he was feeling for her he pulled her back in his arms and once again let her rest her head against his chest. Feeling her shivering body in his arms he made a solemn vow to protect her from all harm and never to doubt her again. "Elizabeth, dearest Lisa, there is nothing we cannot conquer together! I shall always be there for you, whenever you need a shoulder to cry on, remember, I have two available. I was a fool to hurt you as I have done but believe me, I did not do it out of malice. Take your time and when you're read to tell me..." He couldn't finish because she had freed herself of his embrace and was shaking her head violently.

"No, no, it's impossible! I will not, I cannot... not with Ginevra being..." Sobs interrupted her shreds of words. "I must leave, please, do not follow me!" She was almost running to the door, she could sense that he wasn't holding her back this time. Feeling that she had to reveal her reason to this loving soul she turned around and gave him a long look of passion and love. "It is not that I did not love you. You are not to blame. The reason is my own fault and I have to live with it. I want you to give your love to a woman who can appreciate it. I cannot and will not love any man ever again...." She took a deep breath and continued. "My daughter Ginevra is still little but she has to live with being unable to speak. After giving birth to her the doctor told me I wouldn't be able to have more children. You deserve a wife who can give you many children so that your family may live on!"

"All this is meaningless to me because I love and admire you deeply and would not want to be with anyone except you!" His words, so sincerely spoken, forced her to reveal the entire truth.

"There is more. Ginevra was born in wedlock, that is true. But my husband did not father her!" Before being forced to see his face falling with shock and, as she thought, disgust, Elizabeth fled from the room.

Chapter Eleven ~ Love Me, For I Love You

Posted on Saturday, 20 March 2004

Love me, for I love you--and answer me.
Love me, for I love you--so we shall stand
As happy equals in the flowering land
Of love, that knows not a dividing sea.
Love builds the house on rock and not on sand,
Love laughs what while the winds rave desperately;
And who hath found love's citadel unmanned?
And who hath held in bonds love's liberty?
(Christina Rossetti)

And wilt thou have me fashion into speech
The love I bear thee, finding words enough,
And hold the torch out, while the winds are rough,
Between our faces, to cast light on each ?--
I drop it at thy feet. I cannot teach
My hand to hold my spirit so far off
From myself--me--that I should bring thee proof
In words, of love hid in me out of reach.
Nay, let the silence of my womanhood
Commend my woman-love to thy belief,--
Seeing that I stand unwon, however wooed,
And rend the garment of my life, in brief,
By a most dauntless, voiceless fortitude,
Lest one touch of this heart convey its grief.
(Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

After waiting for Lisa for a long time Maria decided to go to bed even though she couldn't sleep for a long time without being tucked in by her sweet friend. Tossing off the sheets she jumped out of bed and opened her drawers to search for something. When she found the white sheets a tear was flowing down her cheek, it was long ago that she had drawn her last picture. There was still some coal left to draw the picture she had in mind. As if led by a higher power her small, still childish fingers flew over the sheets drawing her lovely face as she remembered it, with that encouraging smile and bursting energy. She truly was the source of her energy and as long as she remained with her nothing would be impossible for her to do. Drawing her curls she decided to picture her as she had not seen her yet, with her hair flowing down her back freely. Not knowing the length of her hair she decided to let it cascade down to her slim waist. Like in real life she was wearing a simple white gown but this one caressed her slim figure with silky folds and a shawl of the finest material covered her thin but strong shoulders. Her eyes, sparkling and shining in real life did not please her on her drawing, even though it was hard to determine what exactly they were lacking. Next to her, as if her counterpart, another face appeared; a face as dear to her as Lisa's even though she had never seen it in real life and was drawing it from the few pictures she had been fortunate enough to see. If kindness itself were to be human it would look like her; with that gentle smile and her innocent, childlike eyes. Her appearance was simple, but engaging to the loving eye.

"Mama..." Maria was shaking with emotion as she eyed her mother's face. The coal fell out of her hand and tears came to her eyes. Her mother, the one who had given birth to her; the gentle soul who had gone to heaven so that she may live and be happy. Maria's fingers crumpled a piece of paper in despair; her mother was watching her from heaven, what a disappointment she must have been! But no more, with Lisa by her side she would prove it to her guardian angel that her sacrifice had not been in vain. New tears filled her eyes, causing those that were already there to fall into Maria's lap. Curling up her legs she brought her little head to her knees and sobbed without control. Crying herself to sleep on the fluffy carpet before her bed she hoped for Lisa to come and greet her with her usual, bright "Good morning, Maria!"

But it was not to be. When Maria awoke in the morning she heard the sound of rain assaulting the windows in a heavy storm. Jumping to her feet Maria called out for Lisa and when no reply came her fear turned into a frenzied panic. Donning her robe quickly she fled from the room to look for her. Finding her apartment was not difficult since it was truly close to hers. Without awaiting a response to her knock Maria burst into the room only to find it empty. The bed was untouched, the room was neat and Lisa's presence could still be felt. Her coat, her parasol and her gloves were still where she had put them yesterday, she was still here. Was she out there in the rain without shelter? Haunted by images too horrific to describe Maria ran to her father's bedchamber; after knocking in a flurry she entered the room without waiting for a response.

"What on earth..." Darcy turned from his mirror angrily but when he eyed his daughter his features softened. "Good morning, Maria. You're old enough to know that one has to wait to be asked in!" But his preaching ended at the sight of her fearful face and her shaking hands. "What is it? Are you hurting somewhere?" Darcy dashed to her and caught her in his arms before she could hit the floor in tears. "Now, now, my princess, surely we'll be able to fix this together!" A dreadful fear was tightening his chest; it was hard to sound positive and cheerful.

"Lisa is..." A sob drowned out the rest of the sentence.

"What about Lisa, dearest?" He felt it before his daughter could say it. She was gone; she had left.

"Lisa is missing! We must look for her! She is out there in the rain with no shelter and nobody to take care of her..." Maria held on to her father lovingly.

"Are you sure? Have you checked her room?" His question sounded empty and hopeless.

"Of course I have! Her cape, her umbrella, her parasol and her gloves are still here! Her bed is untouched! Maybe she went for a walk and was surprised by the storm!" Maria's words were ringing in his heart; pushing him into action. She was still here; of course she wouldn't leave her things here if she had decided to leave for good! The storm brought him back to reality with cold force. If her umbrella and coat were still here she had to be out there unprotected; maybe even hurt!

"Don't worry, darling! I will look for her and ask some servants to help us. Does Lisa have a favourite spot somewhere?" Every little detail Maria might be able to disclose would be significant; Darcy could feel it in his heart.

"She enjoys the grassy spot close to the woods where we usually have tea during our sunshine tour. Sometimes she sits on this bench for hours, just dreaming..." Maria suddenly tugged his sleeve. "Papa, can I come along?"

It was hard to refuse her but knowing that she had had a fever recently he sadly shook his head. "Darling, you've head a fever not a long while ago. Go and rest and I'll come back home as soon as I've found her!" Seeing her turning around he suddenly noticed how sad her thin back looked; her dropped shoulders and her tousled head... "Maria, I have an idea!" he heard himself saying and it was worth it just to see her smiling face as she turned back.

"Yes?"

"How about helping Mrs. Reynolds preparing some tea and soup for Lisa? You can also pick a book to read to her!" Seeing her cheerful face he felt as if the sun were rising in his heart.

"Yes, I'll do that! Take care, Papa!" With that she dashed off to the kitchen leaving her father to worry alone.

Despite his long black cape and an umbrella Darcy was soaking wet only a few minutes after stepping outside. After giving instructions to his servant he had chosen the direction Maria had pointed out. It was not far away, if it were not raining and if the wind were just a little calmer he would have been there in a matter of minutes but like this it took him about twenty minutes to reach the grassy aria before the woods. Despite the grayness that seemed to have washed out all colours he could spot a thin figure sitting on the bench. Running towards her his heart nearly missed a beat at her sight. A young beautiful woman sitting on a bench in the rain, the raindrops mixing with her tears and her head was buried in her pulled up knees. Of course she couldn't hear him coming closer in this storm; all he did to make his presence known was to hold the umbrella over her head. It took her only a moment to look up and as her eyes met his she began to shiver without control.

Here in the cold with nothing but nature around them he was able to tell her. To tell her that he regretted burdening her so much without considering her own peace of mind. "I am so sorry, Elizabeth..." Had she heard him or had the storm swallowed his words? She finally got up and guided his hand so that the umbrella was protecting both of them.

"You are foolish, Mr. Darcy..." There was no edge in these words and he was not offended by them.

"It doesn't matter to me if I'm making a fool of myself for you!" Only yesterday not even God could have forced this from him by threatening eternal condemnation but here he was, in the cold rain, saying it out of his free will; saying it to the woman he loved more than his life.

"You're covered in mud..." she observed with a light chuckle.

"Does it matter?"

"No, if possible it makes you look even more dashing!" She blushed down to her throat, despite the biting coldness.

He gave her a little but kind smile. "This is possibly the dearest compliment I've ever received..." he mused putting his arms around her waist.

"Indeed? And I thought women were flattering you all the time!" Her voice was cheerful and teasing but he could sense that she was not well at all. The decision to let her go with a smile came all of a sudden but he knew he'd have to do it; he owed it to this gentle, yet strong woman. Her, who had given him so much, her who had put an end to Maria's suffering; she deserved to be treated with understanding and kindness. To make the few days they had left together unforgettable he had to let go and see her off with a smile.

"Your good opinion is bestowed only on those who truly deserve it and therefore more worth the earning. I can tell if a person is flattering me or giving me a sincere compliment, and you just did!" Releasing her he gave her another smile.

"Thank you. I am sorry if I worried you, I didn't mean it. When I went outside it was still clear but then this storm came..." Her voice was choked by tears.

"You must go soon, I know it. Do not worry or trouble yourself further. Even though I do not know the origin of your pain I respect it and will accept your decision!" His voice sounded steady and calm as he spoke but his face clearly showed his feelings about her parting. Moved by his speech she embraced him for a moment and held on to his shoulders.

"One day I will tell you everything about me and you will understand. Maria will be strong by herself, I only motivated her to be herself. She loves you a great deal and needs you to protect her...." Her words suddenly faded away as she released him.

"So I shall see you again?" He sounded hopeful.

"If God wills it..."

"I love you, Elizabeth!" If he had not said it now his chest would have burst. Seeing her letting go of him so tenderly the words left his mouth almost instantly and she...she smiled. She smiled the same affectionate smile she had had for him ever since the beginning of their acquaintance. But she did not respond the way he had hoped for. Holding out her hand to him she nodded her head gently.

"Shall we go home?" Of course he remembered what he had promised himself; to let her go without turmoil and pain but hearing her call Pemberley home made his heart ache with love and passion. It did not matter that she had a child or that her husband wasn't Ginevra's father. There was a mystery lurking underneath; powerful enough to make her refuse him even though she was fond of him, but did she love him? He had wanted to beseech her to stay; to declare his love ardently to convince her. But seeing her like this clearly meant that to see beneath the shadow of this mystery meant to let her leave. Even if it meant the end of his dream.

Chapter Twelve ~ Speak once more--thou lovest

Posted on Friday, 16 April 2004

Say over again, and yet once over again,
That thou dost love me. Though the word repeated
Should seem ' a cuckoo-song,' as thou dost treat it,
Remember, never to the hill or plain,
Valley and wood, without her cuckoo-strain
Comes the fresh Spring in all her green completed.
Beloved, I, amid the darkness greeted
By a doubtful spirit-voice, in that doubt's pain
Cry, ' Speak once more--thou lovest ! ' Who can fear
Too many stars, though each in heaven shall roll,
Too many flowers, though each shall crown the year ?
Say thou dost love me, love me, love me--toll
The silver iterance !--only minding, Dear,
To love me also in silence with thy soul.
(Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is a rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society, where none intrudes,
By the deep Sea, and music in its roar;
I love not Man the less, but Nature more,
From these our interviews, in which I steal
From all I may be, or have been before,
To mingle with the Universe, and feel
What I can ne'er express, yet cannot all conceal.
(Lord Byron)

Opening the door to Maria's room Darcy knew what was about to happen. Now was the moment when Elizabeth would tell his daughter that she had to leave soon. Thinking of this made his face look gloomy and Maria took his sad face as a sign that something was wrong with Lisa. Jumping off her bed she threw herself in her father's arms, sobbing loudly. Feeling his daughter's twitching shoulders Darcy knew that he wasn't the only one who would not be able to see this precious woman leaving them. Bending down on one knee he solaced Maria by telling her that Lisa was alright and that she was waiting outside, wanting to see her. After making sure that Maria was better he let her in and left instantly after giving Maria a tender smile.

Elizabeth, who had barely had the time to put on dry clothes, asked Maria to sit down and took a seat herself on Maria's bed. It would not be easy to tell her and to see the dear child's trusting eyes trying to catch a glance of hers her heart ached miserably. There was so much of Ginevra in Maria's features; the same unlimited trust, the love glowing in her innocent eyes, the sparkle about her when she was happily engaged in some innocent game... Of course unlike Ginevra Maria was able to talk, yet she rarely ever spoke a lot. Like her daughter Maria met people with distrust and suspicion, knowing the child's history she wasn't to blame.

"Maria, sweetheart, we need to talk!" Her decision wavered as Maria snuggled closer and kept clinging to her adoringly.

"What about? I already know that Papa is very fond of you, I'm sure you'll be very happy here. I'll be a good daughter to you, if you'll have me!" Elizabeth felt the fortress of her determination cracking and finally it broke down completely. Feeling Maria so close to her in mind and spirit no profession, no matter how consuming, could tear her away from this child. Maybe, after so many years, she and Ginevra had found a home where they wouldn't be looked down at and where Ginevra would be accepted for what she was, a dear child with the heart of an angel. There would be no more troubles for Jane and Matthew and if they were welcome to see her at Pemberley... Here her reverie stopped and the images of what had taken place after the incident appeared once more. Being banished from her home, being married to a man who treated her as if she were a servant or less and who constantly reminded her of the incident. He even managed it to weave it into his preaching and if that wasn't enough he also told everyone who wished to hear about it until he died.

Of all her sisters only Jane had remained loyal to her and believed her that she was innocent. Jane and her husband Frederick Marshall had taken her in and given her a home in their little house in the country. When Frederick died of a mysterious disease no doctor had been able to diagnose Elizabeth decided to become a nurse. At first she had assisted the doctor in the village, then, after finally being approved in a hospital in London she moved into town to learn, to be taught and to work. In the years to come she barely found the time to be at home with her child; her work was consuming her entire being, the constant fear of letting down her widowed sister and the children kept her going and the more money she was able to send home the better she felt.

Holding Maria in her arms she remembered an event deeply buried in her past; she had hoped that it may remain silenced and forgotten. Only two years ago she had returned from a young patient, a young girl of Ginevra's age, and found her daughter looking at her as she would at a stranger. It took Jane's sweet guidance to get Ginevra from beneath the table to greet her Mama. Ginevra was looking at Jane, gazing at her adoringly as she used to look up to her Mama. Clinging to Jane's skirts Ginevra averted her face from her mother and stretched her arms up to Jane to pick her up. Being held by Jane she buried her little face in Jane's shoulder.

"She doesn't know me anymore..." Elizabeth felt her heartbeat stop for a most painful moment.

"Oh no, she just needs a reminder, that's all!" Jane attempted to mend the broken pieces. Then she called for Matthew who stormed in happily at his mother's command. Seeing Elizabeth he dropped his toy horse and jumped into her arms.

"Aunt Lizzy! You're back! I missed you a lot! And Ginevra missed you too, isn't that right, my queen?" His eyes were glowing with love for his little cousin; tugging her dress he whispered to Ginevra, words that neither Elizabeth nor Jane understood. Slowly Ginevra's face turned back and, after being released by Jane she slowly came towards Elizabeth. When she was only a few steps away Ginevra staggered and fell into Lizzy's arms with an inhuman outcry. Sobbing violently she buried her little face in her mother's soft chest and held on to her for dear life.

"My little darling, my only treasure!" Elizabeth felt tears welling up in her eyes.

"Auntie, she missed you so much, at times she wouldn't come out of hiding unless I promised her that you'd be back soon. Seeing you now overwhelmed our little queen a little, she couldn't believe that it was truly you; she feared to be disappointed again!" Matthew explained, he was wise beyond his years. Elizabeth thanked God for her daughter's friend in a silent prayer and gave Matthew a delighted smile.

"I brought you something from town. Would you like to see it?" There were several beautifully wrapped parcels in one of her bags; once Ginevra had calmed down she caught sight of them and before Matthew could respond nodded her head approvingly.

"Well, if your little queen doesn't mind," Matthew smirked.

Jane also gave her a curious look. Elizabeth put six parcels on the table, three big ones and three smaller ones. Little white cards told the names of the person for whom the present was made. Instead of opening his own presents Matthew pushed Ginevra's presents over to his little cousin and urged her to open them. Not willing to let go of her Mama she only used one of her hands to tear away the wrapping and forth came a beautiful set of books with pictures, fairy tales and a dictionary. Ginevra took three of the six books and handed them to Matthew with a shy smile and making a gesture with her hand.

"What does she mean?" Elizabeth had never seen her doing this before.

Matthew blushed but answered nonetheless. "She is saying that she wants to share them. She feels that this is too much only to belong to her..."

Elizabeth smiled at her daughter proudly. "They're yours, sweetheart. But of course Matthew can read them whenever he pleases," To this Ginevra nodded slowly and tore away the wrapping of the smaller package producing a lovely pink dress and a fitting cap.

"You cannot share this with me, Your Highness!" Matthew laughed happily. "Pink suits you, Gina. No, don't blush, you're very pretty!" The sight of Ginevra blushing down to her throat because a boy told her she was pretty was very touching. Finally both Jane and Matthew opened their presents and hugged Elizabeth to thank her. But Ginevra's thank you was even more touching. Making more gestures she pointed at her mother and smiled again.

"She says...well, she says that she loves you, auntie!" Matthew explained...

Here the memory started to fade and Elizabeth found herself holding Maria again. She did not want to make the same mistake again; it wasn't in her nature to abandon a girl who trusted her as she would trust her own mother. Maria had already tasted the feeling of loss; she had already suffered for something she was not to blame for. Maria should not suffer because of her own fears and memories. A smile she had not seen in years once more appeared right in front of her, a smile she had adored and loved but instead of scaring her as it usually did it confirmed that she was right. Let the phantoms of the past be buried and forgotten. Maria and Ginevra needed her and she wanted to be needed; remembering Mr. Darcy's declaration she decided to trust him. Once more she would trust a man, give herself to him so that he may hold her and keep her and love her for what she was, a woman very much in love.

"Of course I will have you, you're the sweetest, most loveable child a woman could wish for! Do not fret, Maria, for I shall not abandon you and, maybe, in due time, you shall have a sister!" Ginevra would love Maria and Maria would be a good friend to Ginevra.

"I always wanted a sister, Lisa! How did you know?" Maria was jumping up and down beaming with joy.

"Well, you just told me!" Elizabeth wanted to keep it light. "Maria, your new sister may not be like you in everything, promise me to be kind to her nonetheless!" Here she sounded severe and pleading.

"Of course, you think I can help her? You and I will help her! What is the difference, Lisa?" Maria asked curiously.

"Ginevra, that's her name, can only converse with other people by making gestures with her hands. She cannot speak..." Elizabeth explained.

"Oh, then I will teach her! And she can teach me her language! It'll be interesting!" There was no doubt or fear in Maria's voice and looks, Elizabeth felt relieved and happy.

"So I shall go and speak to your Papa, alright?" After giving Maria another hug Elizabeth left the nursery and headed downstairs. She knew him well enough to sense where he would be when he was troubled. Finding him in front of Anne's portrait she stopped, not willing to interrupt. Suddenly being called by her name made her jump, she didn't expect him to have heard her.

"Come in, Miss Bennet!" he called from inside.

"I am sorry, I hope I'm not disturbing you?" Coming inside she accepted his offer of a seat gladly and watched him standing in front of the portrait, his eyes never left Anne's face.

"You could never bother or disturb me. Did you tell Maria?" His voice sounded strained and Elizabeth could almost feel his sadness.

Swallowing hard Elizabeth got up and approached him from behind, finally bringing her light hand to his tense shoulder. "Look at me, or else I won't be able to tell you this!" Her voice was raspy, she felt a big lump in her throat. Seeing his bitter smile her heart missed a beat but she didn't withdraw her hand.

"Isn't it normally the other way around?" he attempted to jest.

"What is?"

"Well, I thought normally it's easier to talk if you're not looked at!"

"Is that how you feel?" Her shoulders sagged.

"When you are looking at me, Miss Bennet, I feel as if I knew at last how an angel's gaze feels like," His voice changed from tender to severe here. "But I know that you feel otherwise, I wouldn't want to bother you!" Turning back to her completely he met her emotional glance with no expectations or hope.

"You could never bother me!" she repeated what he had said earlier. "I made a decision but I need you to answer me a question first!" Her gaze dropped to the floor, she was completely flustered.

"Go ahead!"

"Will you..." She broke off but resumed quickly.

Will you have me?

Instead of answering her he wrapped her in his arms gently and sought her eyes. Seeing a rather wicked curl which had escaped its pin he gently let it run through his fingers, liking the the silky feel of it. "You need to ask me that?" Teasing her was a delight and before she was able to retaliate he kissed her wrinkled brow. "I will love and cherish you for the rest of my life. Neither man nor God can prevent me from loving you, holding you and cherishing you!" Taking her slender hands he brought them to his chest for a moment and kissed each of them adoringly. "Those gentle hands are blessed with healing powers. Not only for ailments of the body but the soul. I want you to continue sharing this gift with those needing your help. I know it's important to you and... Elizabeth?" Her tears fell on his hands which were still holding hers.

"You know me so well, yet you know so little of me... I feel like I let you down..." Her weeping grew in passion and intensity. "I'm not used to giving myself to anyone. I take care of those who need me and don't have anyone to take care of me. In all those years you are the only person who considered my feelings, my needs and my happiness. When I first met you I could not see all this.... I was so wrong... Please forgive me!"

Bringing her head to his chest he cradled her softly to relieve the pain. "Dearest, loveliest Elizabeth, you could never let me down and don't you apologise to me. By you I was not only humbled but it was through you that I could let go of the past and embrace my life again. You are my life, you and our children!"

"Mr. Darcy..." she began.

"Call me William, everyone close to me does!"

"Only if you call me Lisa!"

"There is the woman I'm in love with! I love it when we make bargains, don't you?" He smiled at her, remembering how they had battled each other many times.

"Yes, I do! And that is why I have to keep mine!" Her eyes were sparkling.

"Which is?"

"I want to tell you my story. Will you hear me?"

Sitting down he invited her to join him. Making herself comfortable in his lap she put her arms around his neck and kissed him lightly. "I was lonely, so lonely. I never thought I could be loved for what I am, that is why I tried to give love to those in need and to take care of those who need me most! I never told anyone what truly happened or revealed the mystery of Ginevra's birth to anyone. You entrusted me with your past, now let me return this gift by sharing mine with you!" Too moved to speak he held her close and patted her back gently. "Will you hear me then?" she asked once again.

"I would be honoured! But before you start telling me your story, can I say one more thing?" He smirked but it wasn't a light smirk.

"Yes?"

"Your daughter will find a home at Pemberley, I will love her and take care of her as my own daughter. No matter how she came into this world, she is a part of you. I won't let anyone make a child suffer for what they think is God's law!"

Chapter Thirteen ~ I see thy beauty gradually unfold

Posted on Thursday, 29 April 2004

MORE than most fair, full of the living fire
Kindled above unto the maker near:
no eyes buy joys, in which all powers conspire,
that to the world naught else be counted dear.
Through your bright beams doth not the blinded guest,
shoot out his darts to base affection's wound;
but Angels come to lead frail minds to rest
in chaste desires on heavenly beauty bound.
You frame my thoughts and fashion me within,
you stop my tongue, and teach my heart to speak,
you calm the storm that passion did begin,
strong through your cause, but by your virtue weak.
Dark is the world, where your light shined never;
well is he borne that may behold you ever.
(Edmund Spenser, Amoretti, sonnet VIII)

"I see thy beauty gradually unfold,
Daily and hourly, more and more.
I muse, as in a trance, the while
Slowly, as from a cloud of gold,
Comes out thy deep ambrosial smile.
I muse, as in a trance, when'er
The languors of thy love-deep eyes
Float on to me. I would I were
So tranced, so rapt in ecstasies,
To stand apart, and to adore,
Gazing on thee for evermore...."
(Tennyson)

Resting her head against his shoulder Elizabeth struggled as where to begin but after thinking about it she decided to tell him her entire story. To tell him everything about her family, her life and the love she had felt all those years ago when she was but a young girl, only falling in love too easily.

I was born at Longbourn, my father's residence in Hertfordshire. It's very close to a village called Meryton, nothing grand but a beautiful home for me and my four sisters. My parents are Mr. Thomas Bennet and his wife, Mrs. Emily Bennet. I am the second of five sisters, them being Jane, the eldest, then me and Mary, Kitty and Lydia. Because my parents had no son the estate should have gone to his heir's widow but it did not. How that came about I shall tell in due time.

I had a beautiful childhood except for the rather ill-conducted marriage of my parents. My father, God rest his soul, was fond of books and learning while my mother loves nothing more but to chatter, do needlework and plan parties. She has no interest in books or music, so they often quarreled until my father gave her up and treated her rather unfeelingly by making her the target of sarcastic remarks and jests, thus exposing her to her own children. Not that he hurt her in a way that was unacceptable but I always observed his behaviour with pain. Being impressed by the golden image youth and beauty give he wed her without knowing a single fact about her character. On the outside it was a fruitful, good marriage but we never had much of a family life.

The person I felt closest to was and is my oldest sister Jane. She is but two years my senior, yet she has a serene air about her I shall never understand. Even in life's most miserable hour she is capable of smiling and seeing the silver line. After the incident I had no one to turn to, nobody would listen to me except for her, God bless her! I believed that I would never lose her but the day of our adieu came sooner than I could possibly have imagined.

Jane met Mr. Marshall at a ball. He was most impressed by Jane's beauty and her mild temper, it took him only a week to ask for her hand in marriage. Jane, whose tender feelings for Mr. Marshall had been known only to me, was overjoyed. They married only two months after Mr. Marshall's proposal and went off to live at Pembroke, a beautiful but modest estate in the country where Jane found her first true home. Maybe I should tell you more about Frederick who was one of my dearest friends, at times I still cry when my thoughts carry me back to this time.

Frederick Marshall was a gentleman in every sense of the word, by birth, by nature and when it came to education he even challenged father several times. His parents, a Mr. James Marshall and a Mrs. Olivia Marshall were wed at Pembroke and gave all their affection to their only son until they were killed in a terribly carriage wreck. Inheriting the estate at mere sixteen Frederick faced an almost impossible task but he rose to the occasion and Pembroke bloomed and blossomed with every year he was taking care of it. All that this paradise was lacking was the gentle hand and touch of a mistress which is why Frederick decided to get married when he was twenty-five years of age.

After marrying Jane they settled at Pembroke and led a quiet, happy life. As much as I was happy for Jane I felt miserable about losing my only friend and with my mother putting all her ever growing hopes in my upcoming marriage I felt trapped and unhappy. You see I was but fifteen and the world already was closing its doors to me for my parents had decided that I should marry my cousin, William Collins. Having never met him I felt free to do as I pleased and given my inexperience and the lack of Jane's presence I was an easy target for Amor's arrow.

Here Elizabeth's story halted, it was an awkward pause. Her shoulders were trembling and her eyes were swimming in unshed tears. Darcy felt that whatever he might say now would only add to the hurt she was feeling now and decided to give her support without words. While Elizabeth had been telling her story she had slowly straightened her back and left his embrace as if to affirm that she could bear this all by herself. Pulling her back gently he slowly massaged her shoulders and arms until she let forth a deep sigh and curled herself up in his arms as Maria had done as a little child.

"You won't like what I'm going to tell you now..." she whispered at his chest, her warm breath quickening his heartbeat.

"Elizabeth, look at me. No, look into my eyes!" he said firmly cupping her burning cheeks in his hands. When her bright eyes finally met his dark ones she could see nothing but love and kindness in those eyes. Knowing how much it had cost him to let his guard loosen and finally vanish Elizabeth took courage from him and smiled.

When my sisters and I were walking through Meryton, the village close to Longbourn, my youngest sister introduced me to an acquaintance of hers. Never before had I seen a man like him and I doubt that it'll ever happen again. If Apollo had ever decided to descend from the Olympus he could not have surpassed his beauty, virility and charisma. At fifteen a smile was enough to have my innocent blood on fire, to have my heart throbbing and my soul yearning for but a word of love. I was in the middle of it before I knew it had begun.

When I introduced him to my friends and family they all were impressed by his affability, charm and delightful manners. He openly began to court me and as you may imagine every girl's jealous eye was on me. For the first time I spent mentionable time in front of my mirror, I wanted to be beautiful for him, wanted to impress him with both my mind and my looks. Of course I knew he wasn't rich but an income of about three thousand pounds was more than enough for me. My parents were already taking steps to break off my betrothal to Mr. Collins and trying to get him interested in one of my younger sisters when...when...

A long painful pause, a haunted look had spread itself on her face. Alert as a deer on a clearing her widened eyes were looking down at him but when he wanted to touch her cheek her face jerked back abruptly and a frenzied "NO!" escaped her tightened lips. A thought too painful to describe suddenly was flashing through his mind. If this was true he had to ask her, to make her tell. Without moving his arm again he sought her eyes and gave her a glance of compassion and understanding.

"Elizabeth, did he hurt you?" The words had left his lips before he could change his mind.

Nodding her small head she sat in his lap and withered, froze and suddenly her fists came to his jest, her blows were desperate and hurt but he let her act on her emotions. "Why? What did I do? Did I love him too much? He said he would marry me... I did not know he'd hurt me so... There was no way back... I couldn't... I wanted so much... just being loved! By anyone! ANYONE! NO! I wanted him to love me! I thought... couldn't I trust this angelic face, those beautiful hands?..." Here her tears took over and she broke down completely. The woman who had been the means of healing and hope to so many had never had anyone to attend to her wounds, to let her feelings out.

"Let it out, my love, let it out!" he whispered not defending himself against her fists and her cold glare. "Cry, let those unshed tears out and free yourself of this terrible scar!"

Her fists mellowed and after a moment of hesitation she brought her fingers to his lips. "I haven't told you the rest of my story as yet..."

The news of my conquest had not been appreciated by everyone and as I was about to lose him I felt more than just one hateful eye on me. He shunned me, as if I were tainted and kept ignoring me for days. Finally I summoned all my courage and asked him for the reason, why he was treating me with such contempt and why he refused to speak of our marriage anymore... His answer, coldly stated and as clear as ice, is burned into my heart.

Men keep mistresses, they do not marry them, my dear!

All my words had deserted me, I was feeling sick, vulnerable and hurting so deeply from within that if an abyss had been nearby I would have jumped to my death. But his hateful face was just as good a killer as Brutus had been to the man who trusted him so much he called him "my child" in the end. Turning away from him I ran, I ran like never before. I never wanted to see him again, feel his warm breath on my skin, his lips on mine... And ironically I never did see him again for only a few hours he was found stabbed to death with a dagger. Fingers were pointed at me and only Jane's vow that I had been with her saved my life. I still thank the Lord every day for sending her for a visit in those terrible moments. Of course the rumours spread fast, my reputation was never cleared and even my own family saw a cold-hearted, jealous, obsessive murderess in me. Yes, even my father who had been my only friend after losing Jane was siding with those who whispered murderess when I was nearing them. His cool mind and logical way of thinking ruled out every other possibility and he more than others let me feel his disappointment.

As if my life wasn't difficult enough at this time I soon discovered that I was carrying this man's child. I began to hate myself, the baby and everyone around me. I found myself trapped in a mock marriage to a man who was despising me and abused me whenever he could. He knew that Ginevra wasn't his child and he let me suffer for it in every possible way. When he was killed by a heart-attack I was free but I was big with child and had no home, no friends and no family. Mr. Collins' will firmly decided that neither I nor my child should inherit Longbourn or his house, so I was homeless. Once again Jane came to my rescue and took me in.

Of course this was not done without consequences for her and Frederick. Families they had regarded as their friends suddenly stopped calling, Frederick's business suffered from it as well as his reputation. Jane herself had just given birth to her son Matthew, she helped me a lot. And with time I began to feel something else than bitterness for this child, it wasn't her fault who her father was.

Being branded a murderess, adulteress and being supposed to be as plotting and poisonous as the most vile member of the Borgia-family may have been I was getting ready to give birth. When Ginevra came into this world I had been in labour for forty-nine hours and closer to death than life. Later I was told that Ginevra's head had been blue...she almost suffocated! But she lived and grew up, despite illnesses and being mute... I couldn't help myself, one look of her big, innocent eyes and I was lost. I was under her spell, just like her father had dazzled me but the energy coming from this child was nothing but positive, heart-warming and loving. I needed her and she needed me. I believe it's all I ever wanted... Just being needed by another human being...

Feeling his arms tighten around her frail body she let her head fall back to rest in his arms. Was it like this to set free her most intimate fears and emotions, to give herself to a man who truly loved and needed her? His steady heartbeat, his warm hands, his dark, passionate eyes, always glowing with regard when she was in front of them... The strength of his broad shoulders gave her security and comfort, she knew that her trust was not misplaced this time.

"I need you, Elizabeth! I need you so much, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth! I shall stop needing you!" he confessed and planted a tender kiss on her forehead.

"And I you, William. We were able to conquer the phantoms of our past together and now the future will shine on us! But before we begin our life together I want you to answer me a question!" Her tone was serious, her eyes ablaze.

"Gladly!"

"You believe me that I did not kill this man? And you promise me never to ask me for his name!"

He had wanted to say Yes immediately but hearing her second request he hesitated.

"Well?" she frowned.

"Alright then, yes, I believe you and I promise never to ask you for his name. If you won't tell me yourself I may never know who it was!" The words stung in his mouth but she seemed satisfied. "Will you tell me the rest of your story tomorrow?"

"What rest?"

"Well, how you became a nurse of course!"

"I most gladly shall. Please excuse me now, I want to write to my sister. She will be so pleased to hear from me!" Getting up to her feet she smiled at him.

"Of course, please send my greetings!" After kissing her hand he watched her walking away. By telling him his story she had become even more enigmatic and he was determined to find out who had hurt her so. Not that he doubted her story but half an explanation was never as satisfying as a complete one and Fitzwilliam Darcy never settled for less than the entire truth.

Chapter Fourteen ~ Love, indeed thy strength is mighty

Posted on Friday, 28 May 2004

Love, indeed thy strength is mighty
Thus, alone, such strife to bear --
Three 'gainst one, and never ceasing --
Death, and Madness, and Despair!
'Tis not my own strength has saved me;
Health, and hope, and fortitude,
But for love, had long since failed me;
Heart and soul had sunk subdued.

Often, in my wild impatience,
I have lost my trust in Heaven,
And my soul has tossed and struggled,
Like a vessel tempest-driven;

But the voice of my beloved
In my ear has seemed to say --
'O, be patient if thou lov'st me!'
And the storm has passed away.
(Anne Brontë)

I ask of thee, love, nothing but relief.
Thou canst not bring the old days back again;
For I was happy then,
Not knowing heavenly joy, not knowing grief.
(Mary Elizabeth Coleridge)

"I won't go!" It was stated with the confidence and clarity of an adult, his arms crossed, chin high and his eyes blazing with fury.

Jane Marshall, shocked by the defiance that she had to face, dropped her sister's letter and was at a loss of words for a moment. The young woman had expected her son to be overjoyed as she herself had been after reading Elizabeth's letter but the exact opposite was happening. Various emotions were written on Matthew's face, a wide range from anger to worry and fear. The invitation to live at Pemberley had been most gracious and the news of Elizabeth's engagement to Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy had been a most pleasant surprise. Reading her sister's praise for her betrothed and his kindness towards her had been a delight and it did add to her surprise to see her son so emotionally charged.

"But Matthew, aunt Lizzy would be sad if we were to decline her invitation! And Mr. Darcy wants to meet Ginevra too, it is his right as your aunt's future husband," Jane tried to reason with her frantic child. But Matthew was far from being swayed by soft words and reason, he was worried about Gina, the gentle nickname he used for his cousin, and that she should lose the home she had grown to love so much. Gina had endured so much until she finally found peace and love here, he wouldn't risk her happiness for anyone, least of all a man he didn't know and who would treat Gina with contempt, it was likely that this would happen, Gina's own father had had no love for her, so why should this Mr. Darcy be different?

"Mama, we cannot just tear Gina away from her home! She loves it here, why can't auntie just come home as she used to?" Here the child in him came through, yet he was still a child, Jane reminded herself. Many children loathed changes in their lives, most of all if these changes included a newly found love. The fear of neglect, even abuse was high and she couldn't blame her son for looking out for Gina. Bending down on one knee she met her son's glance and nuzzled his hair.

"Matthew, aunt Lizzy wrote that Mr. Darcy is very fond of her and looking forward to meeting Ginevra. He wants to be a father to her, protect her and give her a home. It would hardly be fair not to give him a chance, don't you agree?" Her voice was soft and tender, yet her purpose was clear.

"What if Gina doesn't want to go? I do not want to go! I want to stay home! I will not leave!" Matthew's voice grew shriller, he had understood that his mother meant to leave, no matter how hard he may protest. It tugged at his heart to see what may lie in store for Gina and he wouldn't let anyone hurt her again. Watching his mother rising to her feet he repeated what he had said previously, he didn't want to go.

"My son, why do you think of yourself all the time? If you wanted Gina to be happy you shouldn't deny her such a chance! Don't you think that aunt Lizzy knows what she's doing? You think she could love a man who might hurt Gina?" Jane was walking towards the table to pick up the letter as she noticed Ginevra standing in the door way of the kitchen, her face was distressed and pale. "Gina!" The letter was forgotten, both Matthew and Jane rushed to the door to support Ginevra. The little girl was shivering but succeeded to make some movements with her hands.

Do not quarrel, please!

"Oh darling, we're not quarreling, we're merely discussing your Mama's letter!" Jane felt guilty about making Ginevra suffer, she shouldn't be exposed to fighting or quarrelling.

You were yelling at each other. I could hear! Her movements grew faster and sharper, she seemed to be disappointed that neither of them admitted the truth. Matthew embraced her tenderly caressing her silken, blonde curls. "I'm sorry, Gina. I know we shouldn't upset our queen, now should we?" Ginevra's anger was as short-lived as it was intense, an amused smile graced her pretty face, her bright eyes were shining.

Aunt Jane, my Mama wrote a letter? It was obvious that Ginevra wanted to hear about her mother's news and Jane quickly obliged. She read the entire letter to the children.

Dear Jane, dear children,

Please forgive me for not writing as often as I should, it is my hope that the wonderful news this letter contains will make up for the lack of letters from me. Ever since arriving at Pemberley my heart has been touched by the cloud of sadness hanging over this family and it has been my prior intention to bring joy, hope and love to Pemberley, a beautiful home which is meant to see laughter, joy and a happy family. The master of the house, Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy, is known to you all by reputation and the few letters you received from me. Honestly, I do not believe that I ever met a man who did not live up to his reputation. He is not arrogant but lonely, he is not proud but incredibly tender and kind and he is not disagreeable but incredibly generous and mildly tempered while always keeping his confidence.

His daughter Maria has improved for the better since I wrote to you last, her sickness was caused by emotional torment rather than by physical problems. The poor child blamed herself for her mother's death and her father's loneliness, after telling her that she is to blame for neither of the two her melancholy disappeared completely. As you may remember, her sadness had remained even after getting better while being treated by me until this point. My relationship to Mr. Darcy himself had remained that of a master and his employee until he himself became ill with a feverish bronchitis. It was then that he told me of his wife's death in childbirth and the suffering he was going through since then. Previously to his illness I had confronted him with the truth about Maria's illness which only added to his pain. I did my best to console him and with time he seemed to be very fond of me and then, a moment I shall never forget, he asked for my hand in marriage. I will not burden you with everything that passed between us after that except that I told him the entire truth. Instead of leaving me as I feared he had to do he remained by my side and steadied my love for him by proving his.

He gave me his word that he would love Ginevra as his daughter, Maria too is looking forward to seeing her new sister. He also asks for you and Matthew, both of you can live with us at Pemberley. Mr. Darcy is looking forward to meeting you all and showing you our new home. My happiness knows no bounds, I cannot tell you how gloriously blessed I feel, my heart is too full. Finally I can pay you back your kindness and sisterly affection in my time in need, there is no one who deserves it more than you do. Please do not let me wait too long for your reply, I cannot wait to hear from you again.

My darling Ginevra, Mama has found love and a home, a home for us both where we shall be needed and loved. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again. Is Matthew taking good care of you? The little girl I'm taking care of cannot wait to meet you, you will love her a lot. Matthew, I hope that you too will look forward to living at Pemberley. My dear, little family, please take good care of yourselves and let me hear from you soon. I shall conclude with a warm greeting from myself, Mr. Darcy and Maria.

Elizabeth

Maria awoke and dawn just before Lisa came in to prepare her for their sunshine tour, only this time she brought a visitor in the person of Mr. Darcy. Seeing her father arm in arm with Lisa Maria smiled and hopped out of bed to throw herself into her father's arms. Elizabeth watched Maria's joyful reaction with pride and happiness. "Good morning, Maria! We came here to go on our sunshine tour and because we want to tell you something," Mr. Darcy began.

"Papa, are you going to marry Lisa?" Maria asked with a twinkle in her eyes. Elizabeth tried hard to stifle her laughter but she couldn't fight down a smile at her betrothed's embarrassment. Rubbing his arm she caressed Maria's head with her other hand and feeling Mr. Darcy's glance on her she gave him an encouraging smile.

"Indeed, my princess, I asked Miss Bennet.. - Lisa - for her hand in marriage and she accepted me," He gave her a tender look, then continued, "I believe we are all going to be a big, happy family. Did Lisa tell you about your new sister?"

Maria nodded and let go of him. "Yes, she did. Oh Papa, I'm so happy for you! I know that Lisa is absolutely wonderful, she'll make you very happy, she made me happy too!" For that she received a kiss on the forehead by Elizabeth. Both Darcy and Elizabeth helped Maria to get ready and finally each of them took one of Maria's hands and the little family went downstairs where they bumped into another, unusually early riser.

Lady Bowfield wasn't amused to see what unfolded before her eyes but she forced herself into a polite greeting nonetheless. The presence of this cheeky "private nurse" had disturbed her ever since arriving at Pemberley and to see her and her employer so close did nothing to settle down her dislike. "Good morning, Mr. Darcy. Miss Bennet. Oh and good morning..." Her voice faltered, she couldn't remember the child's name.

"Maria! My name is Maria!" the little girl laughed right into her face while both Darcy and Miss Bennet were trying to hide their chuckles. Fuming with anger Lady Bowfield left them and headed upstairs for her own room. The few words she could overhear included "sport", "Mistress", "Foxy" and "little".

When she was safely gone Maria burst out laughing while Elizabeth and Darcy exchanged broad smiles. "Mistress Foxy doesn't even know my name, hah! What a sport, such little memory!" Maria's voice was filled with laughter as she beheld her father's mockingly shocked face at her giving Lady Bowfield the name "Mistress Foxy". "Maria, how on earth did you come up with that? I know it's not kind but when the shoe fits..."

"Lisa taught me when we first went outside," Maria admitted.

"She did, didn't she? And what will you teach me, Lisa?" Darcy gave her an amused, yet admiring look.

"What can I teach you? You found the way to my heart long ago and nothing else matters! Except... maybe some advice on avoiding the colour "orange" at all costs?" Elizabeth's fair eyes were sparkling with mirth which was all too contagious for all of a sudden they were all laughing happily. Outside they were greeted by a splendid sunrise and a wonderfully warm summer's wind. Maria went ahead, hopping like a rabbit to their favourite spot while Elizabeth and Darcy went slowly to enjoy being in each other's company to the fullest.

"Look at her, all of this I owe to you!" Darcy was beaming with joy and thankfulness.

"Not at all, were it not for you I could not have done anything. The key to Maria's healing was in you, in your heart. By forgiving yourself you freed her mind and made it possible for her to enjoy life. I on the other hand gave her support both as a nurse and as a friend. And do not forget that how indebted I am to you!" Smiling at him she picked a blooming branch and brought it to her nostrils, enjoying the sweet scent.

"I believe we should call it even, don't you think? That is what I love about you, you're always there for everyone, seeing the good in everyone. Oh, I know that you made Lady Bowfield sing that aria so that she'd feel better. You cannot fool me!" As he said this he thought of the letter he had sent to his lawyer in London enquiring about the murder in Hertfordshire so many years ago. Was it worth it to risk this peace and happiness to find out the truth? This mysterious private nurse had not only been the means of his family's healing but the vision of a new family, an entirely new life. Maybe this time the truth would hurt more than he had expected it would.

Chapter Fifteen ~ Shadow in the sun

Posted on Friday, 11 June 2004

Can life be a blessing,
Or worth the possessing,
Can life be a blessing if love were away?
Ah no! though our love all night keep us waking,
And though he torment us with cares all the day,
Yet he sweetens, he sweetens our pains in the taking,
There's an hour at the last, there's an hour to repay.

In ev'ry possessing,
The ravishing blessing,
In ev'ry possessing the fruit of our pain,
Poor lovers forget long ages of anguish,
Whate'er they have suffer'd and done to obtain;
'Tis a pleasure, a pleasure to sigh and to languish,
When we hope, when we hope to be happy again.
(John Dryden, Troilus and Cressida)

"I want to be young again!
I want to have my hopes again!
And I do not want to feel time,
Like a dead child in my whomb.."
(Original source unknown to the author)

The sun was just about to illuminate the still sleeping world as Elizabeth awoke and got up to greet a new morning, her very first morning at home, at Pemberley. With her arms tightly wrapped around a cushion she was dancing through the room as if she had just shed at least ten years, indeed she was feeling like a young girl again. Finally after having released the cushion Elizabeth sat down right before her vanity, her arms crossed tightly. What she saw pleased her even though her desire to be a youthful bride was by no means stifled. Yet her hair was just as dark and as rich as ever, there were no wrinkles except when she was smiling and she found herself giggling as she examined her slender throat to see if there was any sagging flesh yet. Her slender fingers wrapped around her neck her smile disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared. Jumping to her feet she kicked off her slippers and chose her favourite gown for the sunshine tour with Maria, her white muslin gown with the translucent sleeves and the flowing skirts made of silk, giving her an appearance of simple elegance and fragility.

But instead of waking up Maria as she was used to do she decided to greet another early riser, an early riser as dear to her heart that it made her blush. Rushing down the stairs she quickly found the way to her betrothed's study and indeed, there he was, already reading his correspondence. Being a quick observer she immediately noticed that he was troubled and decided to surprise him. Walking as quietly as a cat she embraced him from behind, it was a loving embrace, more to his passion than to inflame his passion. Just as she had predicted he didn't jump at her touch but let his head fall back until it almost reached her shoulder. Yet the tension which had been present so obviously before did not pass, quite the contrary, after a moment of quiet peace in her warm arms he pulled away from her embrace.

"Good morning, my dear! I knew that you're getting up early but isn't that a little too early, even for you?" His brow was wrinkled, there was no smile to lighten the gravity of his question.

"I could ask you the same thing, William. But what is far more important than my perhaps unorthodox sleeping habits is that you're scaring me. No, do not act surprised," she interjected as he tried to soothe her. "You were troubled and recently my presence seems to distress you. The last time I saw your true smile was when we bumped into Lady Bowfield on the way outside. Only yesterday you were in the most somber mood and wouldn't let me into your world...." Seeing him withdraw to the fireplace she followed him put remained at a distance, waiting for him to speak.

"It was neither my intention nor my wish to worry you, please do not let my problems bother you, I do not wish to trouble you!" It was said a little too emotionally to be believable.

"They are my problems too, my love. Whatever is on your mind seems to trouble you so much that you're withdrawing even from me. It isn't right to lock away our sorrows if there's someone to listen..." She put her hand on his shoulder but he brushed it aside brusquely.

"Elizabeth, you're my fiancée, not my private nurse or my physician! Stop treating me like a patient! Just because I tend to be in somber moods here and then doesn't mean that there's something wrong or even something to tell!" His eyes never left the letters on his desk.

"But there is!" she insisted.

"There is not! Maybe it is time that you start acting like my future wife instead of the always concerned and nosy private nurse!" Seeing her eyes flash at this last comment he immediately regretted it but it was of no use, the deed was done and the wound was deep. Turning her back on him he suddenly noticed how frail she was, how lonely this thin back looked, yet it had been strong enough to support him when he was sick or heartbroken.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean..." But she didn't let him finish and her vocal darts hurt just as much as a dagger's damage. Eyes flashing, her hands on her hips and her slender figure painfully erect she was standing there like Medea confronting Jason.

"Mr. Darcy, perhaps it's time for the entire truth! I have never desired your good opinion and you have certainly bestowed it most unwillingly as your previous judgment of me could certainly witness. If I caused you pain I am very sorry for it was unconsciously done, it was never my intention to hurt you as you should know by now! I have no desire to prolong this futile conversation as you seem determined to exclude me from your thoughts!" Her breath was short and quick, her lips where trembling and white and her eyes were shooting vocal arrows, mixed with the painful rain of tears.

I think of you always!

"Elizabeth, wait!"

This morning Maria was awakened by the sun, not by Lisa. Hopping out of bed she decided to continue working her drawings until Lisa and her Papa would come to get her for the sunshine tour. The face of her long dead mother was smiling at her from her drawing, but this time she felt no pain but peace and thankfulness. Lisa was convinced that it was her mother in heaven who had sent Lisa to take care of her and her Papa and for that she thanked her mother daily. Yet she was determined to cherish her mother's memory as she had been cheered on in this by Lisa.

"Mama, you did very well indeed. I have never seen Papa so happy and I'm sure that you gave your blessing to their marriage. Don't be afraid, we won't forget you, ever!" Maria smiled happily and got up to get dressed. If Lisa didn't come to her she would find her instead.

"What?" Elizabeth let go of the doorknob and glared at him with tears in her eyes.

"Can't you just leave it as what I said it was? Why do you always have to fear the worst? There's nothing wrong that I know of. Is there anything bothering you? Is there anything you need to tell me?" His glance seemed to pierce her right to the heart, she suddenly noticed that she was trying to remember something she had forgotten but before she could answer him Maria stormed into the room to wish everyone a good morning. Her hair was still tousled, her buttons wrongly closed and she wasn't wearing any shoes.

"Good morning everyone!" the young girl pleasantly cried, thus lightening the atmosphere incredibly. Darcy immediately lifted her up and kissed her on the cheek.

"Good morning, little princess! Didn't you forget something though?" He only sounded half-severe.

"I'm sorry, I didn't knock! But I'm just so excited!"

"Excited about what?"

Maria made a face. "But Papa, Lisa's sister, her son Matthew and her Lisa's daughter Ginevra will arrive today! Then we'll be six people on our sunshine tour! Lisa, does Ginevra like to get up early?" Maria was tugging Lisa's sleeve.

"Not really but we can try to ask her to come with us, I'm sure she'd be happy to," Lisa proposed.

"That's a great idea!" Maria conceded. "I'll just go upstairs and do my braids and then we can go, right?" Maria gave them a smile which led to both of them nodding their heads in approval. After Maria dashing upstairs Darcy took Elizabeth's hand tenderly.

"I'm really... what is it?" He had just noticed her gloomy face.

"Mr. Darcy, you hurt me. Of course we shall go on the sunshine tour together but I'd like not to make our engagement official yet!" Her eyes were icy now.

"Are you trying to torment me?" he shot back hotly, completely unusual for his temper.

"I thought you might prefer a rather discreet fiancée, sir!" Her biting sarcasm cut him to the core.

"What is the matter with you all of a sudden? I said I'm sorry! I've never seen you like this! What is going on?" Grabbing her shoulders he forced her to look into his eyes.

"Nothing, I'm not acting differently, am I? At least something we have in common!" This remark went home to his heart like a bolt of lightning.

"Lisa..." He suddenly covered her mouth with his and before she could think off a way to free herself she found herself returning his kisses with as much passion and as much emotion he was putting into them. "That a mouth so fair can utter such painful words!" he whispered at her lips, reclaiming them instantly. Her arms slowly rose up his back to his neck, she could hear him moan shortly as her hand touched the lobe of his ear. Inspired by her hands his lips left her mouth and wandered from her slender neck up to the lobe of her ear, causing her to moan with delight.

"William, Maria is waiting!" she whispered breathlessly.

"Let her wait just a little bit longer! Isn't it important that we tell each other how sorry we are?" He chuckled huskily.

"But we already did, didn't we?" She was smiling wickedly.

"I don't know about you but I still have a lot of explaining to do!" He looked completely serious until he saw the corners of her mouth twitching. Kissing each of them he sighed happily. "Am I forgiven?"

"You need to ask? Was there anything left unclear?" Elizabeth acted as if she were offended.

"Well, now I can apologise again..." But as he was about to kiss her she drew back and gave him a smile.

"We need to go. I hope I am forgiven too and that whatever is troubling you will be solved soon!" With that she took his hand and led him outside where Maria was waiting already. But his thoughts were elsewhere, he hardly noticed anything around him.

It will be solved, yes, but whether it'll seize troubling me is yet to be seen!

Chapter sixteen

Posted on Saturday, 17 July 2004

No, no! go not to Lethe, neither twist
Wolf's-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;
Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kissed
By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;
Make not your rosary of yew-berries,
Nor let the beetle nor the death-moth be
Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl
A partner in your sorrow's mysteries;
For shade to shade will come too drowsily,
And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.

But when the melancholy fit shall fall
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
Or on the wealth of globed peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
Emprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.

She dwells with Beauty -- Beauty that must die;
And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips
Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,
Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips;
Ay, in the very temple of delight
Veiled Melancholy has her sovran shrine,
Though seen of none save him whose strenuous
tongue Can burst Joy's grape against his palate fine;
His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,
And be among her cloudy trophies hung.
(John Keats)

As their modest carriage neared Pemberley Jane was enjoying the lovely grounds and the fresh air while Ginevra and Matthew were reading one of the picture books of Elizabeth's present to her daughter. Matthew had his arm around Ginevra's thin shoulders as if to protect her from what was to come, the vision of such affection warmed Jane's heart for it reminded her of her husband's goodness towards herself. Frederick had treated her with much kindness, had protected her and had cherished her as she knew no other man would ever again. Matthew had inherited his father's darker colouring, his gentle manners and his soft brown eyes, sometimes it was as if her lover were looking at her through her son's eyes, living on in their only child.

"Look, children, what a beautiful lake!" Among shady trees and a clearing filled with flowers the water glittered in all shades of blue, ducks and swans were calling it their home and when Ginevra beheld a group of little ducklings she smiled.

"Stop the coach!" Jane ordered. "Would you like to go outside and look at them?" Both children agreed most passionately, the picture books were forgotten. Taking both children by the hand Jane led them towards the lake while answering their questions on ducklings, swans and why male ducks were so vividly coloured compared to the simply coloured female ducks. Ginevra sat down among the flowers and merely watched with a delightful smile while Matthew was picking flowers. Jane sat down close to Ginevra and put her arm around her causing Ginevra to snuggle closer until her little head rested in the crook of Jane's arm.

"Aren't they delightful?" Jane asked, while watching the ducklings who were obviously learning how to swim.

Yes, they are. And this will be our home from now on?

Ginevra was clearly overwhelmed by the prospect of coming here every day to watch the ducklings grow, to pick flowers or to dream in the shades of those magnificent trees. Jane herself was quite astonished by the beauty of the grounds of Pemberley, of all this her dear sister was going to be mistress, it seemed as if fortune was smiling at her at last. How much her poor sister had suffered and with so little chance of ever being happy again and now she seemed to be deliriously happy. Loved by a man like Mr. Darcy had to be very overwhelming indeed, from what she heard he wasn't a person to be fond of at first sight, some even said that to be mistress of Pemberley the woman thus honoured would have to be willing to put up with a good deal in order to enjoy her lot. Her sister's letters told another tale altogether, a tale involving love and compassion, suffering and redemption and most important to contradict what she had heard it involved humility and kindness on both parts.

"Yes, dear, this will be our home. Mama will be very happy to see you again and I'm sure you will be happy to meet Mr. Darcy and your new sister!" Jane's face was shining with love and affection.

Will they dislike me because I cannot speak? Ginevra's brow was wrinkled with worry and fear. She was looking forward to meeting Maria, yet how would this new sister treat her? Would she understand, like Matthew did? Or would she despise her for her infirmity? Mama's letter had told her not to worry, yet she couldn't help but be afraid. Having lived a completely secluded life with Jane and Matthew as her only company Ginevra was afraid of people she didn't know and whenever visitors came to call on Jane at Pembroke she was hiding somewhere, places only Matthew knew, reading picture books until they were alone again. Feeling Jane putting her other arm around her she held on to her beloved aunt and let her beautiful voice soothe her fears.

"I'm sure they won't. Mama would never love anyone who couldn't love you for the precious girl you are. Remember what Mama wrote in her last letter? Mr. Darcy loves her so faithfully and he wants you to be his daughter. He even invited Matthew and myself to come along and live at Pemberley, what generosity on his part! Don't you fret, Gina, Matthew and I will be there too and nobody shall harm you. Honestly I believe that you will charm them all!" Jane's voice, though affectionate and kind, barely betrayed her alarm and fear. What if Mr. Darcy was to dislike Ginevra once he was married to Elizabeth? This little girl had suffered so much, would she be able to live with such a rejection? And how about his daughter Maria, would she love her new sister as dearly as Elizabeth had written she would?

Don't be afraid auntie, as long as we're together we'll be fine!

Jane held Ginevra tighter for a moment until she saw Matthew nearing them with the flowers he had plucked. Placing them in Gina's lap he gave her a kiss on the cheek and nuzzled her tousled hair. "Well, my queen, do these flowers please you?" asked he, with a sly grin.

Of course they do, thank you, dear!

The light of the rising sun not only was a source of energy to Elizabeth but also an absolute delight. Unlike other women she didn't shun the sunlight to protect the whiteness of her skin but welcomed the beams of sunlight on her face. But no pleasure can be enjoyed to the fullest without being shared with the special someone who had conquered both her heart and soul with the gentleness and kindness she had sought for her whole life in vain. Each of them was holding Maria by the hand as they walked, basked in the glorious sunshine and enjoyed each other's company among laughter, chattering and simple gestures of affection and love.

"Each day I experience something new, a new treasure to cherish and to uphold. And that I learned from you," Darcy spoke, his eyes shining with love while he connected his gaze with hers. "You are an enigma, always revealing more at a time but never everything!" He came as near to the truth as he possibly could in Maria's presence but her response only consisted in a smile and a playful wave of her free hand.

"I shall pick some daisies for you, Lisa!" Maria cheered and ran towards their favourite spot which was covered with these most delicate flowers. Two pairs of fine eyes followed this happy young girl, both glowing with pride and happiness for Maria no longer was the sickly, weak child they had known but a pretty young girl with dark tresses, rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes. How her playful disposition had blossomed in Elizabeth's care, Darcy could only wonder at her magic. Yet she had transformed him too with her gentle touch, serene smiles and unaffected strength. This loving and vulnerable woman whose slender hands and fine eyes had struck a most delicate nerve within him was more than just a nurse, she was blessed with healing powers.

"I am no sphinx, my love!" Elizabeth finally retorted, an impish smile gracing her very enticing lips.

"Does the sphinx know herself to be a mystery? No indeed, new angel mine, you are as enigmatic as she!" With that he gently grasped her chin and let the back of his hand slide down her throat and collarbone causing her to sigh with pleasure. "Yet she is made of stone and remains unmoved until the world comes to an end, so much unlike you!"

"I am no statue, no marble and no mystery. And you are my world from Alpha to Omega in a never ending circle!"

Amazement was completely devoured by passion as Elizabeth brought her lips to his to give this final proof of her love. Bathed in the sunlight the young couple surrendered to love shortly until Elizabeth freed herself of his embrace and prepared both the fluffy blanket and the tea and strawberries. Holding each other by the hand both lied down on the blanket, totally overcome by the might of their feelings. It was Elizabeth who broke the spell by beginning to speak.

"Today my family shall come here and see the most beautiful spot this world has to offer. How much I long for you to meet my sister, her son and my little Ginevra. William, will you promise me something?" Her tone had become serious. her eyes pleading.

"Anything I can do, I'll do it for you. What do you need to ask of me?" He gently grasped both her hands and held them in his lovingly.

"Ginevra might react fearfully. She has never been in society and has been abused by so many..." Her voice trailed off as she remembered her little daughter's torment, inflicted by those suspecting her to be conceived out of wedlock and those who couldn't accept a child with an infirmity. Ginevra had no friends in the world except Matthew and if it weren't for him she would be lonely, just as lonely as she herself had been until love had melted the icy walls protecting her heart once more. "Please do not be cross with her for not loving you at first sight, she has never been taught to trust any grown man!"

Darcy was as moved by her request as he was startled by her feeling the need to ask for this. In an effort not to let show how amazed he was he wrapped her cheeks with both his hands and kissed her softly. "No need to ask for understanding when it's already given, my beloved little sphinx!"

He wished with all his heart to take back these words as he laid eyes on Elizabeth's daughter. While being delighted by her aunt Jane and happily charmed by her boy this little girl's father's eyes were mocking him through his daughter's innocent ones, he knew the identity of Ginevra's father by just looking at her once, something he had hoped would not be the case after reading the letters from London. A wave of hatred evaded his mind, his demeanour being more severe and distant than usual, something that didn't go unnoticed by his future wife. But how could he stand such mockery, how was he supposed to be at peace like that while being tormented by a man who had been dead these past years? The means of his death were uncertain yet, but in his heart Darcy felt he knew the sinister truth, a truth he wished to lock away and lose the key. Maybe then peace would finally be granted to Pemberley and the family living there.

Letters from both London and abroad endlessly demanded his presence elsewhere but Darcy couldn't bring himself to leave Pemberley and his newly found happiness. While reading his correspondence in his study he poured himself some brandy and thought of his new family and his betrothed. Almost everyone had already retired for the night and were it not for the flickering flames in the fireplace and the burning taste of the brandy arousing his tired body he too would have gone to sleep a long while ago. By calling her a sphinx he had hit the nail on the head for she wasn't a book to read in one sitting, every time they spoke new, even more fascinating chapters revealed themselves and it was obvious that it was she herself who was in control of what was revealed and what had to remain hidden. At the sound of the door being opened his head jerked up violently.

"I was afraid I would find you here, William!" said she, a mournful darkness veiling her beautiful, nay, her peerless eyes.

"You should be resting, Lisa. It is very late, how come you're still up?" Getting up he placed both his hands on her shoulders and held her close.

"I could ask you the same question! You look exhausted, my love! Remember that your lungs are still very vulnerable. Did you have your tea tonight?" She was all private nurse again and it brought a smile to his lips.

"Indeed, my beloved nurse, I did as you bid me. I shall have to take some of your herbs to London..." Her face fell at this, it pained him to see it.

"Do you mean to say that you're leaving Pemberley? I need you here, we need you here!" she shrilled, her eyes filled with tears.

"My love, I'm not leaving you, I'm merely leaving for some business I've delayed for far too long in any case!" It was hard to reason with her when she was like this, so completely unlike the sensible private nurse he had met in the beginning. Her face bore many emotions, the most prominent of which were the feeling of loss and fear.

"I cannot let you leave! Not now with Ginevra being here! I beg you to reconsider!" she pleaded with him, her arms around his neck.

"Elizabeth, I must leave. It is most urgent and necessary..." Here he stopped for the fear in her face at turned into hatred, her eyes glowing with anger.

"If you leave me know I will leave as originally planned! I trusted you... If you cannot do this for me, you shall lose me!" In her rage she couldn't see his eyes water and his face fall. Running for the door she felt him right behind her, grabbing her by her waist and pulling her close, her head resting against his shoulder, his hand holding her neck.

"Elizabeth, please see that you are wrong! I will come back to you, don't you know that in your heart? Do not be cruel with me, my love! Look..." His lips brushed her hair as he spoke, his voice was heavy with unshed tears yet it sounded as steady as ever. "For a brief moment of time you and I were alone in the world! But this moment is over now and I have to do this! Pemberley would be in danger should I neglect my business further. These things must be done just as I must love and cherish you!"

The mist of her fear of being alone had gone, paining her with the sad truth of her misunderstanding. She had hurt him deeply by acting on her fears and felt incredibly foolish now. Tilting back her head she almost lunged at him and claimed his lips with hers. Wounded feelings and angst was gushed away by desire and warmth, her trembling lips burning against his.

"God Speed, William!" she whispered and, after another fervent kiss, was gone.

How this woman was tugging at his heart, there was no way to describe it with words. He was touched by her unlimited trust, by the intensity of her feelings and the anger flashing in her exquisite eyes was just as dear to him as her tenderness and passion. Was it necessary to solve the riddle of this sphinx once at for all? Wouldn't it be wise to let the ghosts of the past rest in peace? As if to defy that very thought he decided to visit Anne's portrait tonight. He had not sought her counsel ever since admitting his love for Elizabeth.

Continued in Next Section