Posted on Saturday, 14 April 2001

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage that you can bring
Not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

There was something poetic about her. The way she moved, her flowing elegance interrupted by an occasional stumble. The way she smiled, her dark eyes crinkling at the corners. The way she laughed, shaking her head as the dark strands swung softly in her face. She was everything and more. She made me forget what I missed, what I longed for and grappled over in the last three months.

Was it fate that led me to her? I remembered tumbling in with the New York wind at my heels, looking for nothing more than a cup of hot chocolate. It was late in the night and I blushed in shame as the waitress cursed under her breath as I bustled in. She had thrown down her towel and stared out the window before she returned to me.

"Can I take your order?" A deep exasperation growled along the surface. She wanted to close down and my presence prevented her from doing so. I couldn't even offer her a proper tip, nothing but a sheepish smile.

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no - be strong

I braved her dark glower for a brief second as I stood up. Her eyes seemed to flicker with some inner softness, perhaps gratitude for letting her be.

"Sorry," I murmured into my cold fist as I reached for my bag with my other hand.

"Oh no, I didn't mean to-"

"No, it's alright. There's a Starbucks across the street." I nodded toward the dryad symbol and lowered my head as I made my way to the diner entrance. Placing my backside to the door, I pushed it open.

"There's one everywhere," I muttered as I made my exit.

"My name's Elizabeth," she called after me.

I smiled. She was pretty. "Will. William Darcy."

Walk on - walk on
What you got, they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on - walk on
Stay safe tonight

I never talked to her again. The diner was always busy. I had apparently stopped by at the only hour it wasn't filled with people milling about. Lucky for me, huh? My first night in New York and I met the girl of my dreams. She seemed to follow me like a shadow, echoing in my footsteps wherever I went. It was a distraction which drove me crazy. Yet, I refused to let go. I would replay the dulcet melody of her voice in my head and recall the way her lips curled up as she spoke. I was on a bad road. Down? Up? I didn't know, and I didn't care.

So, I passed by everyday. I learned her schedule by heart. Lunch hour on Mondays and Wednesdays. Tuesdays and Thursdays in the afternoon. Fridays were off. Saturdays were the night shifts. You could say I stalked her for three months, though I never got past the door. What would I say? "Hi, my name's Will. I don't know if you remember me but we met three months ago..."

No, I couldn't do that. It was preposterous! She would've thought I lost my marbles and maybe I did. I never had an obsession, nothing like this at least. The only thing that I ever tormented myself over was the same thing that made me pack my bags and leave for New York. And look at the trouble it got me into! Could I even go back? Would I?

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly - only fly for freedom

I looked at the crumbled letter in my hand. Yes...I could. Duke was willing to let bygones be bygones. I could finish medical school. I could get my degree. It was as though these three months were obsolete. But what was so wrong with the programs at Colombia? Nothing, except there weren't any in the field my father wanted me to excel in. And what about what I wanted to excel in? I gave twenty-two years of my life into his dream. Wasn't it time I gave some of it into mine?

Walk on - walk on
What you got, they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on - walk on
You stay safe tonight

A voice in the back of my head said I did. I did. I came to New York. I alienated myself from my family and accepted a transfer to Colombia University. With a duffel bag and one hundred and eighty-two dollars in my pocket, I took a bus from the Carolinas to Greenwich Village. And what had come of it? Nothing, except...

And I know it aches
How your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on - walk on

I was prepared to leave. Mother had sent me enough for a bus fare home. We couldn't afford a plane. Of course not. That was why I had been enrolled in Duke, instead of Harvard. I had been accepted to both but the former was willing to provide for me in any way possible. The latter asked my family to pay for the tuition, something that was beyond their control. The bags were packed. I was going to take the last bus south.

Home - hard to know what it is if you never had one
Home - I can't say where it is, but I know I'm going
Home - that's where the hurt is
I had to talk to her. I needed to.

I stood outside, watching her clean the diner with weary determination. What was her story? Did she have something to say? Something to give to this world? My heart sang yes.

Her eyes were cast upon the table as she wiped the crumbs away. She moved away from the diner's front window as I let out a sigh. I looked at the sky, the lights of the city dimming the shine of the stars. They were much prettier in Carolina...

And I know it aches
And your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on

The bell above the door jingled as I walked in.

"Hi."

"Um, hi..." I walked over to the stool, placing my bag at the foot of the seat. "I hope you don't mind but I was looking for a cup of-"

"Hot chocolate?"

"Yeah, how did you know?"

A very becoming blush overspread her cheeks. She wiped her hands on a nearby napkin as she pulled out a mug. "It's just that...you always get one at Starbucks."

I rose a curious eyebrow at her as she handed me the drink.

"I see you across the street. You go there everyday and you always get hot chocolate."

"I don't get it everyday."

"You do when you buy something."

I nodded. Was I that obvious or did she watch me? Was it possible that she...

"Do you attend college around here?"

"I dropped out."

"Oh."

"Yeah." She took her cloth and started to wipe down the counter. "I was attending NYU, but my father stopped paying for my tuition when I moved in with my boyfriend."

I took a sip of the hot chocolate. I didn't know what to say. What were you thinking, Darcy? A girl like this was bound to have a boyfriend.

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind

"I was doing fine, you know. I had my trust fund, and I was only two semesters away from graduation but that low-life scum stole every red cent under my nose and left." She threw her towel down and pushed her hair back. "I bet you didn't need to know all that."

"Does your father know?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"And hear him say, 'I told you so?' Oh no... He always said George was dirt but I would stand up for him. And, and..." She paused, biting her lower lip. It was cute, really. I knew she would chew on her lip. It was a trait that I could've guessed right off the bat. I didn't even know why.

"I didn't think I was wrong." It sounded weak even to my ears, but how long ago did that thought go through my head?

All that you fashion - all that you make
All that you build - all that you break
All that you measure - all that you feel
All this you can leave behind

"You've got nothing but pride holding you back."

I received a sardonic smile for my comment. "Let me guess, you hail from Colombia."

"Actually, Duke."

Her forehead furrowed at my response. "Duke's..."

"...not in New York."

"Yeah."

"Okay, if you want my story..." I placed the cup down on the counter. "I'm a med. student from Duke, but I transferred to Colombia this year...against my paren- I mean, my father's permission."

"We're just a bunch of trespassers upon the law of our forefathers."

"Do you want to hear this or not?" I replied with mock frustration.

Rising to the occasion, she cried, "If you're going to pout like that all night, I wouldn't mind not hearing it at all!"

I blushed at the compliment, but I tried to get through it nonetheless. I wanted to know her and I wanted her to know me. "I've always wanted to study American Literature. Steinbeck, Faulkner, Hemingway. And I wanted to get into British Literature as well with Austen, Dickens, Forester, Woolf... I wanted to engross myself in their works. Read them, analyze them, find my footing upon their achievements. So, I came to Colombia. I went in search of something beyond my father."

"And?" She leaned forward, listening to me with wide eyes. It felt good to be listened to...something that I never found back home. Why is it when you're ready to leave, you find something that makes you want to stay?

"And..." I searched those dark eyes, fringed with beautiful lashes. I saw the brightness the flickered behind them, despite this diner, despite what had happened to her, despite the lights of the city trying to dim them down. "...I'm going home."

"Why?"

I smiled softly. What was so wrong with going home? What was so wrong with a search which brought you back to the start? You weren't really at square one. You weren't really a failure. You found yourself and now, you began the journey anew. It was a different journey, with a different perspective.

"I didn't get as lost as I wanted to be."

"That's a shame... You look lost."

"Then it's an illusion. Or perhaps..."

"Perhaps?"

"I'm wondering if I leave, would I ever see you again?"

"Would you like to?"

"I would, Elizabeth."

"You remembered my name, Will."

I smiled, the first genuine smile that crossed my face the last three months. I leaned forward, "I thought I had a lot of regrets about coming all the way up here and finding my dreams were not what they really were. My father probably thinks that I wasted three months up here, searching for something that was all in my head. But you know what?"

"What?"

"I found that the world passes you by when you're sitting in Central Park. I found that if you stand on the roof of a skyscraper, you can almost touch the sky. I found that hot dog stands are the best way to spend your lunch hour. And...I found that I miss home. That I like walking down the fields in Carolina. Or walking along the shore barefooted. Or watching the dawn blaze across the sky or the sun melting into the horizon. I even like the idea of sweeping through the world, saving lives, better than lecturing about literary devices."

"And..." Her eyes sparkled with laughter.

"And, I found you." I held out my hand. "Would you like to dance?"

"Only on one condition."

"What would that be?"

"Promise you'll show me the things you've found."

"I will."

I held her hand, intertwining my fingers with hers. We walked outside, the pavement shining, reflecting the streetlights. We danced slowly, comforted by the feeling of our arms around one another. The night seemed to burn with magic and though we would walk on, find our different paths, I knew that on the way to my dream, I had found a better one. One which I wouldn't wait to pursue.

All that you reason - it's only time
Love in a fever - no, not mine
All that you sense - all that you scheme
All you dress up - all that you seem
All you create