Posted on Saturday, 3 June 2000
One bright and sunny day it suddenly turned cloudy and rainy, and then nightfall came making it a -- dark and stormy night. This fact has little bearing on our present story save that dark and stormy nights make for muddy mornings.
Midway through the muddy morning a dark man waited with a dark purpose...
Lovely Lady Lizzy was walking with winsome wonder while whistling. SUDDENLY the dark man leapt from his hiding place and.....and.....and.....and.....missed Lovely Lady Lizzy completely. He was going the wrong way!
Cautiously he slithered back to his hideout and his mean malevolent master, Snidely Wickham
"Oh gracious mean malevolent master, I have failed."
"Curses, foiled eh? We must get hold of Lovely Lady Lizzy before that Dreadful Dark Knight does."
"Well, my most condescending, lordly, prodigious purveyor of putridness."
"Will you stop rhyming!!!"
"A thousand pardons my illustriously ignorant ill-tempered lord. Actually I am Alliterating"
"MR. COLLINS! Get to the point how did you fail to capture Lovely Lady Lizzy."
Yes sir, sorry sir. Actually I missed her. I went to grab her and I went the wrong way and I missed her."
"Didn't you think to go after her?"
"But my marvelous, magnificent..."
"MR. COLLINS!"
"You didn't tell me to go after her. I was supposed to leap out of the bushes and grab her. You said nothing about what I should do if I leapt the wrong way."
Snidely makes a strange strangling sound as he experiences extreme stress (stress: the brain over-riding the body's desire to hit some %^&^&* who desperately deserves it).
MEANWHILE Back at the ranch.....
Lovely Lady Lizzy completed her walk and was now being subjected a most heinous inquisition by her mother on the subject of matrimony and a certain cousin. (And since we can all imagine what that sounds like I see no need to burden the brain cells of you, my most judicious readers by recreating the scenario.)
"ARGGH GASP CHOKE GURGLE STRUGGLE COUGH...must marry Lovely Lady Lizzy"
"MR. COLLINS Stop trying to seize control of the author's keyboard and stick to the plan!" shouts Snidely.
"Curses, foiled again." mutters MR. COLLINS.
"Lovely Lady Lizzy cannot be won by words. We must act!"
"I've always wanted to play Hamlet."
"MR. COLLINS, one more word and I will help you play Ophelia! I can see I will have to do this myself. Now where are Darter and Kenny? Ah there they are. I will speak to them, you must lure Lovely Lady Lizzy to town. Go. Now! Wrong way MR. COLLINS."
Several hours later Snidely and the 'gentlemen' (who stood on the street for those several hours, just because I can make them) are interrupted by a MR. COLLINS and five ladies. Snidely Wickham notices LL Lizzy (the author is tired of typing Lovely Lady Lizzy and will now refer to her as LL Lizzy as much as possible) among them.
As he is charming and luring her to his trap two men approach on horseback.
"Oh No!"
"What is wrong Mr. Wickham?" LL Lizzy sighs and flutters (sorry, that was Loose Lady Lydia).
"The dastardly Dark Knight and his side-kick Bingles."
"I have met them"
"Really! I have known him all my life. (Sad violin music is heard from a nearby cafe and the sky clouds over allowing only a few streaks of on sunlight on Snidely and the Dark Knight.) Yes, He stole from me my wuv, twue wuv (SLAP!) Sorry where was I? Oh yes... (O.K --. typical Wickham sob story goes here.)"
"Oh you poor, poor pitiful man."
"Quickly, come with me before he sees you and tries to steal you away too."
Bingles notices this, "I say Dark Knight Darcy, that Snidely Wickham has just carried off LL Lizzie. You can't just stand here in this stupid manner."
"Yes I can"
"But she's in danger!"
"She's in danger all right, but I'm in no mood to rescue maidens who are slighted by other super hero's. I have a reputation after all. Not every one can leap fences in a single bound."
"But you were on a horse, and there are no other super hero's around."
"That's not true. Colonel Fitz England is here. Let him do it."
"Isn't he a cousin or something? But Dark Knight Darcy you must rescue her! You can't just let her go. Who will save her?!"
"I will" replied a tall blonde lady.
"Who are you?" asked Dark Knight Darcy.
"Jane."
"That's it? No alliterative descriptives? No cute nicknames? Just Jane?"
"Yes."
"Well then, what can you do?" queries Dark Knight Darcy.
"Mr. Dark Knight Darcy. You are truly a good man with many issues of abandonment and trust. I know you are strong and respected and only want to do what is honorable. I believe only you can rescue LL Lizzy from that horrible Snidely Wickham. I know that she would wish it as well."
"Really?!"
"Yes"
"Then I'm off."
"How did you do that?" Asked Bingles "It was amazing."
"It's a gift."
"If your not engaged...."
"I am not engaged sir."
Shy smiles on all sides as they ride into the sunset.
Meanwhile Dark Knight Darcy catches up to Snidely Wickham and LL Lizzy. MR COLLINS has disappeared.
"Here I come to save the day!" Dark Knight Darcy actually has a good singing voice.
"Curses" says Snidely and he slips out of the back door.
"Oh I 'm expected to be thankful YOU came to save me?" snaps LL Lizzy.
"Well I don't see anyone else here."
"Maybe I don't want to be rescued! I like Snidely Wickham and I don't like you."
"Fine, stay here then. But I meant it literally. There's no one else here."
"But....I.... He.... OH curses!!! What a conundrum! Now how will I get home?"
"Will you, do I ask too much, May I escort you home?"
"You would do that even after I insulted you and liked Snidely?"
"You were deceived. (Dark Knight Darcy gives Lengthy Explanation for Typical Wickham Ugly Sob Story {LEFT WUSS})."
"I'm so ashamed."
"You didn't know his true character. Now you do. If your feelings are the same, I'll just call you a cab or give you bus fare."
"My feelings are, entirely opposite."
"Opposite of what ?" Dark Knight Darcy is not dense, he's just had a long day and is not thinking clearly.
"Of what they were before." (DUH!)
"Oh. Yippee! Do you want to see the Dark Cave? I've got some really cool stuff. I'll even let you try out my swimming pool."
"Could I? Really?"
"NOT SO FAST!! NO ONE SEES THE DARK CAVE!!!!"
"Oh no! The DeBourg Dragon what ever shall we do Dark Knight Darcy?!"
"Quickly, run!"
"Insolent, headstrong wretches! I am extremely Vexed!!!" The dragon let loose with a stream of opinions, and our heroes noticed a small black figure creeping behind it.
"Indeed, my most, noble, magnificent, masterful, mighty dragon I myself have often said..."
"SILENCE>>>>" unfortunately for MR. COLLINS the dragon is a fire breathing kind and yelling at him produced a stream a fire which in turn made MR. COLLINS into a little lump of charcoal, not that he wasn't just a lump before, but now he cannot talk.
And the peasants rejoiced. Cheers rang out round across the land,
"Ding Dong the wierdo's dead
The annoying cleric
The annoying cleric
Ding Dong the wierdo cleric's dead..."
To the amazement of all the DeBourg Dragon became a shy little mousy girl who looked sickly and cross.
"Anne?!"
"Yes Dark Knight Darcy. It is I. The dragon was a spell gone wrong by MR COLLINS who was trying to help me feel stronger so I can tell my mother to get lost."
"But why?"
"Because I love Colonel Fitz England and we want to fly away to the Fortress of Solitude or the Ice Palace of Stuberford for a vacation and my mother won't let me go. She thinks super hero's are silly and that grown men shouldn't wear tights unless they're trying to make a socio-political statement."
"I must say, things are very strange around here. Listen, Anne, You're 37. You're mother can't order you around any more. Just get a job and move out!" notes LL Lizzy.
The villagers applaud such uncommon wisdom and knowledge and name LL Lizzy as Queen of the Summer Carnival, provided she returns in the summer and brings Dark Knight Darcy and the Knight Mobile so the kids can have their picture taken in it.
"Then let us be off to Pemberleyshire and the Dark Cave." says Dark Knight Darcy.
And they all lived contentedly ever after.. Even Snidely, Darter, and Kenny who met up again and formed that infamous gang of scaliwags -- The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. This suited everyone just fine because the boys just wanted to have fun and since they "just stay at home and lie around" the super hero's didn't have to worry about them either. Which is just as well because Bingles, Dark Knight Darcy, and Colonel Fitz England were rather too busy with, well, the girls, to worry much about super hero stuff.
"The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" are characters from Veggie Tales by Big Idea Productions.