Posted on Monday, 30 April 2001

From a little house somewhere in England

"Hello? Let me introduce myself. I am Mr. Collins. That is spelt C-O-L-L-I-N-S remember that name. It is very important. Anyway...oh wait, what is your name? Miss Austen? As in America, Uganda, Switzerland, Tasmania, England and Norway? Yes? Okay. Good. Anyway, as I was saying William Collins, that's my full name. I am the curate for Lady Catherine De Bourgh. She's this old hag that stays at this place called Rosings. R-O-S-I-N-G-S. Got that? Good. I heard that if I call this number I would get someone who would like to buy a story? I suppose that would be you? Wonderful.

Well, I have these cousins. Names? Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, Catherine and Lydia. As I was saying, they are my cousins. Quaint little family, name of Bennet. Pretty girls too. Basically, the story is as follows. Man move into neighborhood. Name is Charles Bingley. Brings with him his witches, I mean sisters, Caroline and Louisa. Yes, I know, it is confusing with all the C names, but do you want the story or not? So this Bingley fellow, happy fellow he is. Too happy. Gets on my nerves. Yes, he has a good fortune. Will you please stop interrupting me? I understand that you have to get details, but I can't afford a sky-high phone bill, now can I? So he brings along with his sisters, his friend, Mr. Darcy. Fitzwilliam Darcy. Proud little ingrate. Can't stand him, personally. They move into my cousin's neighborhood, right, called Hertfordshire. You should know how to spell that. Well, there was this ball, and apparently Darcy snubbed Lizzy. That's my cousin Elizabeth. So she got real pissed, and snubbed him back. After that, Jane and Lizzy went to Bingley's house. How am I supposed to know why? Was I there? I think not. Whatever happened there, you can make up on your own. Two months later, I pay a visit, asks Elizabeth to marry me, but she refused, that ungrateful wretch. Anyway, I married this other girl, Charlotte Lucas, who is their neighbour. Was. Whatever. A little while after the wedding, Lizzy comes to pay a visit, and Char told me that Mr. Darcy proposed and she refused. Hah. He deserved it. A few months later, Lizzy and some family members, I don't know who, so don't ask. So they go to Pemberley. That's Darcy's house. They come back, and before I know it, they are married. Pretty little story now, isn't it? And you can add that Jane married Bingley too. So? Great story isn't it? No? What do you mean no? It's a great story! Hey! Don't you hang up on me! Hey, stop that... hello? Bah humbug!!!

A few months later after the successful release of Pride and Prejudice. From the same little place in England.

"MISS AUSTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"