Part One
After a pleasant journey from Hertfordshire the party, consisting of Elizabeth, Sir William and Maria Lucas had arrived at Hunsford, believing themselves so fortunate as to meet only the Collinses and perhaps Lady Catherine De Bourgh, which to Elizabeth appeared quite enough for a sane person to handle. She was quite unpleasantly surprised when after having welcomed them and shown them every inch of his humble abode, Mr Collins proudly announced the imminent visit of his brother.
Elizabeth, used to Mr Collins, could not imagine his brother being any different. She awaited his visit with great trepidation, for despite the fact that one cousin was married, the other might still prove a danger to her. She could distinctly recall Mr Collins' proposal and the feelings of disgust it had inspired in her. The thought of risking a repeat was nearly as horrifying and she fervently wished that Mr Mark Collins would against all odds not resemble his elder brother.
It was with extreme curiosity that she ran to the window when Mr Collins ran past it shouting and waving. "What is wrong, do you think?" she asked Charlotte, who had moved with less hurry and eagerness.
"I expect it will be my brother-in-law," Charlotte said in indifference.
"Are you not curious? Have you met him before?" Elizabeth was eager to see if he should be avoided or not. She fancied that one look would suffice to tell her whether he was like his brother or not. He had never been mentioned, but to be truthful there had been very little opportunity, for it was nearly blasphemy if a free moment were not devoted to singing Lady Catherine's praise.
"I have never laid eyes upon him, but his epistles make him out to be an interesting man. However, whether I run to the window or not, I shall still reach it sooner than he comes up the lane. Besides, Lizzy. He may write well and still be disagreeable. One can never tell."
Elizabeth wished that Charlotte was less sensible. One should have wild expectations of unknown brothers-in-law.
The younger Mr Collins was outwardly rather different from what she had expected. Perhaps she had expected a tall and heavy man with a grave and stately air, like his brother, but the new arrival reminded one of a cherub, which was not a very odd association for the brother of a clergyman, although he was not chubby but skinny. He had curly blonde hair and a deceptively sweet expression, even though he was well past the age of innocence.
Mr Mark was all politeness and charm and declared that Miss Bennet and Miss Lucas were extremely charming and beautiful young ladies. The compliments oozed out of him without apparent effort and Elizabeth longed to hear him say something negative. Even Charlotte was not spared his praise, especially not after he had discovered there were daffodils in her garden that he could stick in his button hole.
What Elizabeth was really concerned about was that the younger seemed to believe everything the elder said, whether it made sense or not. He nodded enthusiastically at everything and repeatedly said "excellent!" or "indeed!" She could not fathom whether this was due to true goodness, simplicity of mind or a deviousness that yet had to come to light.
"Do you not like him?" Charlotte inquired when they had a moment to themselves. "You have hardly spoken to him."
"I have been studying him," Elizabeth replied. "But I do not yet know if I like him. Do you not think he is too..." she did not know how to describe him.
"He is very agreeable."
"He cannot be real."
"Why not?"
"He looks like a cherub. I cannot speak seriously to a cherub. Besides, I might say something utterly ridiculous and he might say excellent! I am sure the deceptively innocent exterior hides the most wicked and mischievous propensities one could imagine."
"It is not quite fair to call someone wicked if you have only just met him."
"There is good in everybody, I am sure, but The Cherub has such an appearance of goodness as to make me distrust him." Elizabeth raised her chin in the air. She was a good judge of character.
Maria Lucas giggled. She had rather liked Mr Collins' brother. He was not at all frightening and very friendly, not to mention that he had called her beautiful and charming. He was also a distraction when Charlotte and Lizzy were talking among themselves and she was left to her father and Mr Collins, which was very little fun. Charlotte and Lizzy seemed to ignore Mr Collins as much as possible, which was not very fair of them, so luckily there was his less disgusting brother.
Much to Maria's amazement and awe Elizabeth persisted in calling Mr Collins' brother The Cherub. "What if he hears?" she asked worriedly. It was amusing if she did so in private, but to do it in public was a different matter.
Elizabeth appeared unconcerned. "Maria, he has more good than is good for him. Surely he could have a little for me and overlook my impertinence."
Maria was not so sure and she wished that Elizabeth would restrain herself at breakfast.
Mr Collins occupied himself in pointing out which items on the table were home-made or hand-picked. "My dear Charlotte's favourite chicken laid these eggs," he said proudly.
He could not have sounded any more proud if his dear Charlotte herself had laid these eggs. Elizabeth convulsed involuntarily. Across the table she saw The Cherub staring at her in wonder.
"Are you alright, Miss Bennet?" he inquired. His obvious candour precluded any notions one might have of his having understood why Elizabeth was convulsing.
"I am, thank you."
"I am always most concerned about the health of ladies. You appeared to have a bad moment there. I hope it was not the eggs my brother spoke so appreciatively about. I saw you had taken a bite just before you seemed to have this passing little fit."
She mustered a polite smile. "No, indeed it was not the eggs."
"I have not tasted them yet, you see, and I could not imagine that they are anything but excellent if my brother says so."
"You must like them boiled?" Elizabeth asked. "If you do not then perhaps you would not find them excellent." His slavish support of the silly Mr Collins riled her.
"I prefer -- I like boiled eggs indeed." The smile that accompanied this statement was candid and innocent.
Elizabeth did not trust him one inch. In fact, she did not even trust him half an inch. This was the worst parody of Jane she had ever seen and he did not even know Jane.
"Have you tasted the milk yet?" Mr Collins interrupted. "It is from my dear Charlotte's favourite cow."
Elizabeth coughed and she immediately saw the large eyes of The Cherub upon her again wonderingly.
"My dear Miss Bennet, I fear the boiled egg does not agree with you. Perhaps next time you ought to ask for scrambled," he said in concern. "Perhaps the egg was a trifle overdone. There is no chance of anything being over-scrambled. At least, I am good at stirring the matter up and yet I am never being punished for it." He looked somewhat smug.
Elizabeth looked impatient. She was in no mood to hear about his cooking skills. "I fear that would make little difference." It would not make Mr Collins one jot more sensible, or stop him from bringing up every feathered or hairy member of his household.
Mr Collins could not sit for very long without mentioning his noble patroness Lady Catherine De Bourgh, especially when he sensed the conversation was in danger of going too far away from her. He sang her praise and extolled her many virtues, to the great boredom of most of the table. Only his brother listened in rapt attention. "She sounds like an excellent and admirable woman," said The Cherub in an interested voice. "Will she condescend to meet us?"
"I believe she has intimated something of that sort to me," Mr Collins said officiously. "For we are on quite good terms. My dear Charlotte and I are invited over to Rosings park twice a week sometimes and we never have to walk back. Lady Catherine always most graciously offers us the use of her carriage."
Now that reflected very well on her ladyship indeed, Elizabeth thought. It bespoke of a patience that could be tried by a too lengthy exposure to her parson, despite Mr Collins' assertions to the contrary.
"Oh! She sounds very gracious and magnanimous, exactly like I should have supposed a lady in her position to be" The Cherub said wistfully. "I hope we shall be allowed to meet your noble patroness. I am sure it would be one of the highlights of my visit, dear brother. From what you have told us I can only conclude that it would be an enormous pleasure to meet Lady Catherine."
Elizabeth told herself it would be the highlight of her visit to see The Cherub fall off his pedestal.
A day later the house was in great uproar when Miss De Bourgh was spotted near the garden gate. In fact it was only her little phaeton and ponies that were spotted, because Miss De Bourgh was of such an insignificant size that she went quite unnoticed.
Elizabeth and the others crowded together in front of the dining room windows. At first she did not realise the magnitude of the occasion, nor the immense honour bestowed on the parsonage by Miss De Bourgh's phaeton stopping right outside the garden gate. She was soon enlightened, though not infected, by the behaviour and awe of the others.
"The honour of her distinction is almost too much to bear," The Cherub sighed. His blonde curls bobbed as he nodded his head vigorously. "You can tell she is a well-bred lady."
Elizabeth chose to disagree. "It is rude to keep Charlotte out in this wind." But Charlotte would have to suffer any inconveniences while she was enjoying the few minutes that someone as worthy as Miss De Bourgh was willing to spend on her, if only for her husband's sake.
"I shall have to look into my dictionary to see if you are right about well-bred ladies being capable of being rude," said The Cherub doubtfully. "It would not be well-bred of me to say you were wrong if I relied only on my own opinion."
When Mr Collins returned inside, nearly overcome with awe and pride, he satisfied the burning curiosity of the eager listeners. Elizabeth was a bit disappointed to hear that Miss De Bourgh had only come to invite them to dinner for the next day. The others' reactions to the visit -- if one could use that word for an occasion that had taken place wholly outside the garden gate -- had raised other expectations in her. The rest of the party were properly humbled and elevated all at once by this singular honour of being asked so soon after arriving at Hunsford. That it was unusual was made very clear to them by Mr Collins, who could not find words enough to acquaint them with both his feelings and Lady Catherine's enormous condescension and noble heart.
Sir William and Maria were enraptured. They could not have felt more honoured had the King singled them out.
The Cherub looked smug for some reason, but as he was Mr Collins' brother, he was not entirely comprehensible at any rate. Perhaps it was simply his fate to have a default facial expression that resembled smugness.
As they walked through the park towards Rosings, Mr Collins could not help himself from pointing out the great beauty that they had the honour of walking through. Elizabeth preferred to enjoy it in silence. Her enjoyment fell a little short of that which her cousin expected, but to say so was out of the question. There was no telling if she might not be sent back to Hertfordshire on the first mail coach if she bestowed anything less than exalted praise on the greenness of the lawns.
"Beautiful," The Cherub sighed.
The word was coincidentally spoken right as they were passing a pretty fountain decorated with elegantly sculptured cherubs, free of moss, and Elizabeth wondered if The Cherub had a tendency to be a little narcissistic. He was either completely ingenuous or he was ingenious and in possession of a wicked sense of humour. In any case, his propitious comment made her snort.
He drew near to her. "Do you not think it an uncommonly beautiful park?"
"I should think it even more beautiful if Lady Catherine had designed it herself."
"But my brother wrote to me that she did. Indeed, Lady Catherine is an expert on many things, if not all." His tone was deeply respectful.
Elizabeth had feared as much. It was to be expected that her cousin had told his brother that Lady Catherine was the epitome of an accomplished woman. "Oh, how could you admire someone you have never seen!" she laughed. She was sure Lady Catherine would prove to be a mere mortal. Her cousins were two of the silliest men she knew. It was a pity that her father had not met this one. He would have loved this ridiculous specimen of manhood.
The Cherub looked horrified at her amusement. "I have heard enough about her!"
"Exactly. You have heard and read, but not seen. She may disappoint when you actually lay eyes on her."
He gasped. "Disappoint?" He lowered his voice. "Pray that my brother does not hear you! I do not believe that Lady Catherine could ever disappoint. The reports about her are so exceedingly positive and laudatory that even if it falls a bit short of the truth as you seem to think -- an opinion I do not share -- there is still enough left to praise!" His blonde baby curls bobbed again in indignation.
The Cherub already seemed quite smitten with Lady Catherine before he had ever seen her. Elizabeth gave him an amused smile. "For your sake I shall hope that you may find enough good in her to praise her to the skies!"
"I will," The Cherub assured her with a very confident and trusting look in his eyes. "I find that reports coming from such a reliable source as my brother are never wrong. I am confident that I shall find Lady Catherine all that he has promised and more."
"And more!" Elizabeth chuckled and then all words failed her as some amusing thoughts forced themselves on her.
"I believe I feel the deepest respect for her goodness and grace already. It will only become more when I see her."
"It almost sounds as if you have plans to marry her, Mr Collins."
The impertinence of the idea shocked him. "Indeed not! The difference between our stations and our ages would prevent such a match from ever taking place." He looked very regretful. "But one may admire where no hope exists."
"One may indeed." Elizabeth said to humour him and then gave him a strange look. "However, at my age hope still abounds and I do not know the feeling of admiring without hope -- or previous acquaintance."
"Do you not admire any people you have never seen?"
"No sir. Sometimes I do not even admire people I have seen!" She thought of Mr Darcy.
"Miss Bennet! How could a man be at ease if you are such a tease? Do you not admire me?"
"I give you full marks for your apparent goodness."
The Cherub looked at her carefully. "Does that mean that you have seen me, that you have not seen me, or that you have seen through me?"
"I will keep that to myself!" Elizabeth smiled archly. "I am sure my opinion would not alter your behaviour in the least." He was a most mysterious man and she did not want to own up to not having a real opinion. She was always quite vexed at not having one and tried to hide it whenever that occurred.
Mr Collins looked over his shoulder when he heard the clickety-clack of his brother's heels on the shiningly polished floor. "Hush! Lady Catherine has sensitive ears and does not like noise!" he entreated his brother. "Walk more silently!" He would never survive it if this sound should offend Lady Catherine. It was his worst nightmare to displease Her Ladyship.
The Cherub looked properly affected and proceeded to walk in a more careful and soundless manner. He resembled his brother in that he would also have nightmares about displeasing Lady Catherine.
Just before they were about to enter the room in which Lady Catherine was to receive them, they paused. Elizabeth was surprised she felt some compassion for The Cherub, who had to be nervous now that he was to meet his idol at last. "I am hoping with you," she whispered to him.
"You are almost as kind as we shall find Lady Catherine to be," he replied gratefully.
Mr Collins was both humble and proud, being the intermediary between Lady Catherine and his guests. He took great satisfaction and delight in repeating and clarifying Lady Catherine's words whenever he felt this was needed.
Elizabeth had neither a defective hearing, nor a weak understanding, and in most cases she found her cousin's interference somewhat superfluous. Her manners forbade her from saying so, naturally, and she bore it with composure. She thought that The Cherub perhaps agreed with her. He had come across as preferring any repetitions and clarifications to come from Her Ladyship herself, although he did not flinch at his brother's frequent interruptions of the silence with which he admired Lady Catherine's tall and stately figure.
At dinner it was much the same way. Lady Catherine spoke, the rest listened and admired. The gentlemen seemed the fullest with admiration, whereas Maria was mainly afraid and Elizabeth merely amused by the whole scene.
Mr Collins ate a lot, so as to be better able to compliment his noble patroness on the variety and taste of her dishes. His brother ate very little. Being a most attentive conversationalist, he found he did not have time to devote himself to taking any bites when Lady Catherine was speaking, for fear of having his mouth full when she asked him a question.
Lady Catherine was most eloquent with such an audience. Elizabeth could not help but think that The Cherub played right into her cards, by asking precisely the right questions and giving the right answers to keep Lady Catherine conversationally afloat. She was spared Her Ladyship's scrutiny in this manner, for it was concentrated solely on The Cherub.
It made her wonder again if Mr Mark Collins' innocent and candid appearance was not a perfect mask for something not wholly angelic. That people could admire Lady Catherine was proved by her other cousin, but he did not possess that happy skill of knowing when to say what. It was interesting that The Cherub reacted to the same things that Elizabeth would, but with an attitude and degree of respect completely opposite to her own. Where she would question, he would accept, and where she would guffaw, he would applaud.
"Did your wishes come true?" Elizabeth asked The Cherub after the visit. She was curious about his thoughts, although he had given a fairly clear impression of being all admiration. "Was she all that you had hoped and more?"
"I fear my answer would only amuse you," he said with some dignity.
"Fear not. My amusement is but rarely cruel."
"Or so you think," he answered. "You must think it a virtue to be easily amused."
"I certainly do not think it a vice," she exclaimed. "And you? Do you think it a virtue to be so easily enamoured?"
"Enamoured?" he said questioningly. "I have not claimed to be enamoured."
"It is generally not something one would own up to, unless one was sure of the sentiment being reciprocated and Lady Catherine, I might say, is such a singularly self-important and obstinate person as to make it very difficult for anybody to make her reciprocate one's feelings."
The Cherub blanched. "You said something bad."
"I am sorry. I did not mean to insult the object of your affections. She is a fine lady. Opinionated -- if you like that sort of thing. I am quite partial to it myself," she grinned.
Lady Catherine was most attentive and frequently graced the parsonage with a visit, because she could apparently not sleep peacefully if she had not personally ascertained herself of the fact that Mrs Collins' furniture was arranged in a satisfactory manner.
Elizabeth was amazed that Charlotte accepted all the kind suggestions -- or orders -- for changes so patiently and more than once was she tempted to speak up, but The Cherub was so attentive and so unassailed by feelings of indignation that he quite often managed to wriggle compliments out of Her Ladyship. More than a few times did Lady Catherine call him a sensible man.
"I do not understand why you say Lady Catherine only comes to find fault with everything," he said to Elizabeth, opening his eyes very wide.
"If you mean that she made an exception to compliment you on the daffodil in your buttonhole..."
"I do not mean that. Did you not hear her praise me for my opinion on chimneys? Did you not hear her agree with me that they should be swept frequently so as to prevent them from clogging up?"
Elizabeth would rather that she had not heard, for it had made her shudder to hear this ingratiating speech. "Sir, I doubt that you truly have an opinion on chimneys. You manufactured one in order to gain Lady Catherine's approval."
"I believe you underestimate Lady Catherine's understanding, Miss Bennet. She would certainly know it if I manufactured an opinion, as you say."
Elizabeth had known Mr Darcy was expected at Rosings and she had been looking forward to his arrival, to see how he suffered his aunt. Mr Collins and his brother had been lying in wait and they could inform the ladies of Mr Darcy's arrival only minutes later.
The following morning Mr Collins hastened to Rosings Park to pay his respects to the new arrival and The Cherub, who never needed any incentive to visit Lady Catherine, accompanied him. It was a surprise upon his return, that Mr Collins seemed to have exchanged his brother for not only Mr Darcy, but also his cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliam. The Cherub appeared to have been left behind.
When he returned, however, he could tell them all that Mr Darcy had been too reserved and Colonel Fitzwilliam too well-bred to say. He was able to tell them that Lady Catherine was excessively fond of her two nephews, in particular of Darcy, and that she counted on his marrying Miss De Bourgh. If she had had another daughter, she would have destined her for the Colonel, but alas, this was not meant to be. The Cherub had sympathised deeply with the Colonel's loss. He had agreed that a man had much better let Lady Catherine decide on a suitable marriage partner for him and related this to the inhabitants of the parsonage.
Elizabeth was always ready to challenge a fool. "Do you not think, sir, that a man should decide such things for himself?"
"I am sure we could trust Lady Catherine's judgement and sense in the matter."
Mr Collins immediately agreed and spewed forth all of Lady Catherine's opinions, encouragement and approval of his own marriage.
This was something they had all heard before and several efforts were made to put a halt to it. Elizabeth inquired if Mr Mark was ready to let Lady Catherine plot the course of his life as well.
"I am. I shall benefit from Lady Catherine's greater wisdom and insight in life. Who am I?"
"Who are you indeed?" she mused, giving him an odd stare.