Previous Section, Section III

chapter 10, Part A

Posted on Sunday, 3 September 2006

The next week passed swiftly for William and Elizabeth. Although they no longer purposely avoided one another, they didn't seek each other out either; it was still a little awkward to be in one another's presence for any extended period of time.

They both tried to stay busy. Elizabeth was constantly with Georgiana or talking to Charlotte on the phone about her patients back in San Diego. William was finally catching up on all his missed work and started spending more time with his sister. Elizabeth and William usually ended up visiting her at the same time. At first it had been difficult, but they both remembered their agreement to be partners and spent hours just talking to her, hoping something they mentioned would bring her back to them.

Elizabeth was feeling more confident about her treatment every day. Although Georgiana hadn't begun to talk again, she was at least feeding herself and would occasionally look at them when they entered the room. Elizabeth could tell she was fighting and knew it was only a matter of time.

Towards the end of the week, Elizabeth felt it was time for Georgiana to have a change of scenery. The weather on this particular day was fair. November weather in Derbyshire is never great; but, although overcast, it was warm and she felt Georgiana would be able to sit outside for several hours before it rained.

Before she took Georgiana out, she decided to check with William first. Although she was Georgiana's doctor, she liked this new-found 'partnership' she and Will had developed and didn't want to do anything to mess it up.

Mrs. Reynolds had told her he planned to spend the afternoon reading in the library. She was surprised; the Will Darcy she had known would never have wasted a Saturday afternoon simply reading. She smiled slightly; she liked the change.

The door was open when she reached the library, and she peered inside. Will was there, sitting on the couch with his feet spread out in front of him, glasses hanging off his nose, and a book perched on his chest. She had to admire how adorable he looked when he tried to concentrate.

She knocked lightly on the inside of the door, and he looked up, startled.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you."

"No, you're fine. I was just reading."

"I see. What book has you so absorbed?

"It's nothing ... It's ... a mystery."

"A mystery? You're reading a mystery."

"Yes. I am. It's quite good actually."

"You have changed. The Will Darcy I once knew didn't read mysteries," she said, sounding slightly amused.

"Well ... they are very captivating. I blame it all on you, you know."

"Me?"

"Yes. If you hadn't left them here ... I would never had become curious," he said smiling slightly.

"Well, I guess I can't fault your taste then since they are my books."

"No, you can't. So, did you need something?"

"Do you mind if I take Georgiana outside for a little while this afternoon?"

"That sounds fine. You don't have to ask for my permission, though."

"Well, we're partners, and I just thought..."

He nodded. "Thank you."

She turned to leave but then quickly turned back. "Will?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to come and sit with us?"

William looked down at the floor and was silent for several moments, "Yes. I'd like that very much."

A half hour later the three were sitting in lawn chairs in the garden. From the moment Georgiana stepped outside, her whole countenance seemed to brighten. Elizabeth was pleased; she had hoped some fresh air would help her; and, so far, she wasn't wrong.

"Hey, Will?"

"Yes?"

"I don't want to intrude or anything, but I've been wondering. Where is Richard? Georgiana's like his sister..."

"You're not intruding, Beth, but it's not a secret. Richard's on duty."

"Really?"

"Yeah. He was promoted to squadron leader for the Royal Air Force about a year ago. He was in training for several months, and then about six months ago he was sent on duty."

"Wow."

"I haven't told him yet. It's not something I wanted to send by mail. He has enough going on. His leave comes up in a few weeks, and I'll tell him then."

Elizabeth nodded slowly, "That's a smart decision. Have you heard from him lately?"

"I got a letter a couple weeks ago actually. He's doing fine. You know, I offered him a position in the firm a couple years ago, but he refused. He said he wasn't made for the office, and I agreed, but I still wish he was here. I miss him a lot when he goes away."

"I know Richard and you were always more like brothers than cousins."

"Yes we are. You know," he added changing the subject, "I never have asked you how your family is doing."

"They're good. I talked to my dad a couple of nights ago; he's doing good, staying busy. Kitty is ... on husband number three. She's too much like my mother for me. I try talking to her, but we just ... don't understand each other. Um ... then there's Lydia. I ... I don't talk to her much either, but my dad said that she's happy. She married a guy named Tom, and he's been a great dad to her daughter."

"I'm glad. Lydia deserves to be happy."

"Yeah, she does."

Sensing her unease William quickly moved on. "What about your mother?"

Elizabeth gave a little half-laugh. "My mother? She's ... good I guess. She hasn't really wanted to talk to me these days."

"What? Why?"

Elizabeth looked at him uncertainly, not sure if she should answer. "You."

"I don't understand."

"She's mad because I left you."

Elizabeth noticed he shifted uncomfortably and was silent for several long moments. Finally he looked back up at her.

"What reason does your mother have to be mad?"

Elizabeth licked her lips and looked away. She felt extremely uncomfortable talking about her mother with Will-especially when it had to do with them and their marriage. However, now that they had begun, she owed him an explanation.

"Well, you see, my mother was furious when I came home. I only stayed with her for two days before I realized it would be impossible to live there again. So I moved back in with my father. However, she didn't stop with her pestering. She wanted to know everything, and I didn't want to tell her. It wasn't her business. I mean, I don't know what she was thinking. I would never open up to her, but she seemed to think that I should. So finally, after fighting constantly for weeks, my mother told me she wouldn't plan on speaking to me again unless..."

"Unless what?"

"My mother gave me two options: either I divorce you and get a nice alimony payment or go back 'to my rich husband' and beg for your forgiveness."

"I see."

"My mother just doesn't understand that it's not easy. She just doesn't see that...it wasn't that simple-that we're not that simple. We..." Elizabeth squeezed her eyes shut tightly to prevent her tears from falling. She didn't want to let him see her cry.

"Beth..."

She looked up at him, and he opened his mouth to speak but shook his head slightly. Several moments later she saw him get up and begin to wheel Georgiana back towards the house. Before he passed her he stopped.

"Beth ... please don't let your mother upset you. What happened between us was none of her business-not then, not now. But saying that, I don't think I'm ready to talk about this ... er ... us. I ... I'm going to take my sister back to her room."

That evening Charles and Jane brought their children, Alex and Ella, for dinner with William and Elizabeth. Georgiana, however, was going to visit for a little while until she got tired. Elizabeth hoped the presence of Jane's children would cheer Georgiana's spirits.

Elizabeth and William were in the kitchen with Mrs. Reynolds when the doorbell rang that evening. William went to get the door.

"Charles-"

"Unca Will! Unca Will!"

Will smiled as he crouched down to give his twin niece and nephew a hug.

"And how are my sweet niece and nephew doing today?"

"Very good Do you like my dress, Unca Will?."

Will smiled, "Oh yes, very much. You look very beautiful."

She blushed slightly and then gave him a big lopsided grin and raised her arms up to him. Will swung her up into his embrace and then turned to Jane and Charles.

"How are you both?"

"Good. How's Georgiana?"

"She's better-improving daily."

Will felt a tugging on his leg and looked down to see Alex looking up at him,

"Unca Will, do we get to see Aunt Ana?"

"Hopefully you can see her a little later if she's feeling up to it. Why don't you come in and make yourselves comfortable. I know Elizabeth wants to see you."

"Aunt Lizzy, Aunt Lizzy," said Alex as he ran past Will and down the hall.

Will stepped aside and let Jane and Charles inside. When he reached the kitchen, he handed Ella into Elizabeth eager arms. He smiled as he watched Ella giggle delightedly as Elizabeth showered her with kisses.

"Aunt Lizzy!"

"How is my beautiful niece?"

She giggled again, "That's what Unca Will said."

Elizabeth smiled, "Did he? Well you seen then it must be true. And you know what they say, 'Great minds think alike.'"

Soon after, they all sat down to a wonderful dinner Mrs. Reynolds had prepared. They talked mostly of Georgiana and the progress that had been made during the past two weeks. However, Will didn't say much during dinner. Instead he took the time to observe Elizabeth. He noticed that when she smiled it no longer diffused her whole countenance, but instead seemed weak and hesitant.

It was almost as though he felt that if he stared at her long enough the answers on how to help her would just come to him. He said little throughout dinner. His thoughts mostly on Elizabeth and their conversation in the garden that morning. He was frustrated with himself; he had had her opening up and actually talking about her feelings and he had walked away.

But he wasn't ready to talk about their marriage and their subsequent separation. He shook his head trying to focus on the conversation.

"Ah, Will?"

"Charles?"

"I was wondering if I could borrow a book from the library. I could use your help finding it."

Will looked at Charles strangely before hesitantly replying, "Of ... of course."

He turned back to Jane and Elizabeth, "Will you excuse us?"

"Yeah, I think were gonna go visit Georgiana anyways. Y'all just come up when you're done," Elizabeth replied.

"I am assuming, Charles, that you really did not need a book."

"No. I wanted talk to you. You've been acting so strange this whole evening. What is the matter?"

Will let out a frustrated sigh. "I can't figure her out, Charles, and it's driving me insane."

"Will ... I thought you realized that a long time ago."

"I ... just ... I just don't know what to do. I ruined everything this afternoon."

"What do you mean?"

"I finally had her talking. We were actually having a normal conversation, and she opened up to me about her family. She even talked to me about her mother. Did you know the horrible things that woman has said to her?"

"Jane never mentioned anything except that Mrs. Bennet was furious with Elizabeth for leaving. I wouldn't doubt Mrs. Bennet was thorough in voicing her displeasure."

"Part of me is angry that her mother harassed her. I mean it's none of her business-what happened between Elizabeth and me. But then another part of me is still furious with Elizabeth for leaving, and that part feels like what Mrs. Bennet did was right. How horrible is that?"

"It's not horrible, Will. You're not a malicious man, but you are still hurting."

"You know, she doesn't even speak to her mother anymore. Mrs. Bennet told her she either comes back and begs for my forgiveness or divorces me and takes me for all I'm worth."

"Will, I know this is the last thing you want to hear, and I know Mrs. Bennet is lacking in delicacy, but her words are true. Elizabeth and you cannot keep avoiding this. You have to talk about your future. This separation has gone on long enough. I know this is horrible to say, but I agree with Mrs. Bennet. You both either need to move on or forgive each other."

"Charles-"

"No! Listen to me. I've watched you for the last three years moping around being miserable without Elizabeth. You have to make a decision; you both do. Either you learn to live without her or swallow your pride and find a way to be with her again."

Will sighed. He knew Charles was right, but it was too hard to think about. Divorce? He couldn't imagine divorcing her. It was so final, so permanent. He couldn't imagine just completely giving up. However forgiving her seemed even more impossible. She had hurt him so much. How was he supposed to get over that?

He looked back at his friend. "I don't know. I know you're right but..."

"You don't have to make the decision today, Will. She's not leaving for a while, but you do have to start thinking about it."

"I miss her, Charles. Not the person she is now, I don't even really know her anymore. I miss the woman I married-the one who teased me and made me laugh. We were so happy ... It's like the woman I knew died the same day our son did."

"I know, Will we all miss her. But it's not going to get easier either, you have to deal with it sometime."

Both the men were silent for several minutes. Will was thankful that Charles understood his need for quiet. Finally he broke it.

"I think we've been gone long enough. Do you still want to see Ana?"

"Of course, let's go. And Will don't worry too much. Fate has a way of making these decisions for us."

That night as Elizabeth sat in her bathtub, she reflected with pleasure on how well the evening had gone. She smiled slightly as she remembered how sweet Alex and Ella had been with Ana. They had each kissed her cheek and told her to get better soon. She was proud of them for not asking any questions. They had been angels.

Elizabeth reflected on Will's behavior that evening with no satisfaction. She had hoped his spirits would liven up after seeing the Bingleys, but he still seemed so withdrawn, so pensive. It had unsettled her when she realized he kept staring at her during dinner. She wondered if mentioning her mother's ultimatum had been the right thing to do. She shook her head; there was nothing she could do about it now.

She again let her thoughts drift to her perfect niece and nephew. She had tried not to be envious of Jane, but she was. Jane had become pregnant shortly after the death of Elizabeth's son and had carried to term two perfectly healthy babies. Seeing them always made her wish for children of her own, and it always brought back to her the realization that that dream would never be possible. Deciding she was fed up with her own pity, she stepped out of the tub and went to the closet.

Once she was properly attired, she made her way to the bed, hoping for a restful night of sleep, but it was not to be. Some fifteen minutes after she laid her head down there was a banging at her door. She groggily made her way to the door and swung it open. There was Will still dressed his dinner clothes , panic written across his face.

"Please hurry. Something is wrong with Georgiana."

chapter 10, Part B

Posted on Wednesday, 6 September 2006

Before Will retired for the evening he decided to visit his sister. It had become somewhat of a ritual to visit her before bed. It was his special time alone with his sister. Most evenings he simply read to her; but, on occasions, he would talk to her-mostly about their parents and their life altogether before they had passed away.

On this particular night, he didn't feel like reading or talking, so he decided just be with her. As he entered the room, he immediately realized something was wrong. Georgiana was mumbling slightly in her sleep and tossing her head from side to side. He went to the bed and tried to soothe her, but her mumblings continued to get louder. Then all of sudden she started screaming and thrashing about.

Will was dumbstruck; he had no idea what to do. Then, without knowing how, he felt himself running towards the guest suite-towards Elizabeth. He didn't remember banging on her door, but suddenly it was swung open, and he knew he had to get her to his sister as soon as possible.

"Please hurry! Something is wrong with Georgiana."

She was down the hall towards Ana's room before he had even finished the sentence, and Will was close on her heels. When he reached the room, he was thankful she was no longer screaming. Elizabeth was holding her tightly in her embrace as Georgiana continued to mumble incoherently.

Finally, some fifteen minutes later, Georgiana began to settle and fell back to sleep. He watched as Elizabeth slowly disengaged herself from Ana and laid her gently back upon the bed. As Elizabeth approached him, Will let out a great sigh of relief.

"How is she?"

"She's fine. I think she's sleeping peacefully."

"What happened?"

"She had a nightmare. I'm guessing she was reliving the car accident. I'm staying in here with her tonight, Will. When she wakes up tomorrow I'm hoping she'll be ready to talk. She'll need to after the trauma she just had to relive. Tomorrow morning is our best chance."

"Okay. I'm staying, too, then."

"Will, you need to get some rest."

"We're partners remember, Beth? Besides, she's my sister. I want to be here for her."

Elizabeth sighed and nodded. "We should probably make ourselves comfortable," she said, pointing to the sitting room that connected with the bedroom. "It's going to be a long night."

Once they were both settled comfortably in the chairs and had checked to make sure that they could see Georgiana from their current seat, Elizabeth turned to question Will.

"When you first came into the room, what happened?"

"She was mumbling."

"Did you make out anything she said?"

"No. She was just moaning. I tried to calm her down, but I don't think it helped. She went ballistic and started screaming. That's when I came for you."

Elizabeth nodded pensively, "Nightmares are to be expected with PTSD, but I had hoped that, since she hadn't experience any of them so far, she wouldn't have any."

"Are they harming her?"

"No. It's just painful. Although she will eventually have to face what happened, it's more difficult during a nightmare. As a therapeutic technique, 'flooding'* can be good thing. The patient's body is ready to deal with the trauma they experience. Nightmares just creep up on them."

"So you think she may be willing to talk in the morning?"

"Well, I don't know for sure, but the nightmare at least has forced her out of her denial. Also, after such a traumatic nightmare, I believe she'll be ready to begin facing it."

"This isn't going to be easy, is it?"

"No, it's never easy-especially since you're also grieving."

"What about you?"

"I'll be okay. I'm used to this, right?"

Will have gave her a weak smile and then looked away. It was definitely going to be a long night.

The next morning Will awoke with a start. He had finally fallen asleep a little after three with Elizabeth's promise that she would wake him before dawn. However, when he looked over at her, he realized that she, too, was fast asleep.

He marveled at how beautiful she was when she slept. He couldn't believe it had been so long since he'd seen her asleep. For several moments, he just sat there letting the memories of the happy times they had spent just cuddled up together in bed. Since they were both early risers ,they would always wake before dawn and watch the sunrise together. It had been his favorite time of the day, just being alone together away from all the troubles of the world.

Deciding he had waited long enough, he gently reached over and tapped her shoulder; she jumped slightly and ran a hand over her face. He watched as she stretched a little and then looked over at him.

She smiled slightly. "Sorry about that. I must have dozed off."

"It's fine. We were both tired."

"What time is it?"

"A little after seven."

"She should be gettin' up soon."

Will nodded. "Do you want any breakfast? I could have Mrs. Reynolds prepare us something."

"Some toast and coffee would be nice."

"Of course. I'll be right back."

Will left her and walked down to the kitchen, informing Mrs. Reynolds of the night's developments and their breakfast requests. After hearing the news, Mrs. Reynolds ushered him back upstairs, promising their breakfasts would be there directly.

Finally, a little after eight, the couple was finishing the remnants of their breakfast when they heard a weak whisper.

"Will?"

"Ana?" Will rushed to his sister's bedside and took her hand. "Dearest, how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine..."

Will noticed that Elizabeth had slowly made her way to Ana's other side and sat gently on the bed.

"Ana..."

Georgiana turned her head slightly and looked at Elizabeth for a full minute before speaking,

"I had wondered if you were really here or if I was just dreaming it. I guess it really is true then. If you're here, it must mean they're gone."

Before Will had a chance to answer, he heard Elizabeth responding, "Yes, they're gone, Ana. Will called me about a week after the accident. You were in bad shape. Do you remember waking up in the hospital?"

Georgiana nodded slowly. "I didn't want to believe it. It seemed like some horrible dream. It was just easier to pretend that none of it had ever happened." Will heard his sister's voice catch, but he squeezed her hand reassuringly, hoping she would continue. "Why? Why them? Why leave me here without them, Elizabeth? You're the expert. Tell me... Oh please..."

Will watched as Elizabeth wrapped her arms around Georgiana. He put his hand on Georgiana's back as she continued to sob onto Elizabeth shoulder. It was so painful watching helplessly as his sister fought her own demons.

Finally after what seemed like hours Georgiana's sobs abated, and she pulled back and looked at Elizabeth.

"Thank you for coming ... you have no idea how much I've missed you."

"Yes I do, darlin'. You're my best friend ... I'll always be here for you. You don't have to go through this alone."

Georgiana nodded. "Will I always have nightmares like that?"

"It's hard to tell. You've been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. Nightmares are usually a symptom of the disorder, however were going to work on it. Hopefully the nightmares will end."

"Does that pain ever go away?"

"Ana," she slowly turned and looked her brother, "the pain won't ever completely go away, but I promise it does get better. You're dealing with it, that's what is important."

"I hope you're right." Georgiana yawned, "I think I need some rest. I'm so tired."

"Of course, dearest. You've been through a lot this morning. I'll check up on you in a little while."

"I love you, Will."

"You too, sweetheart. Sleep well."

"Elizabeth?"

"Yeah?"

"I never understood before what you felt after... but I know now, and I'm so sorry."

Will saw Elizabeth falter slightly before squeezing his sister's hand again.

"Thank you, Ana. Get some rest, okay. We have a long journey ahead of us."

Once they shut the door to his sister's room, Will impulsively grabbed Elizabeth's hand and squeezed slightly.

"Thank you so much, Beth. She's going to be okay."

Elizabeth gave him a small smile.

"Aren't you excited?"

"Of course I am. I'm just tired, Will."

Will stood silently as Elizabeth slowly made her way back to the guest suite.

As Elizabeth closed the door behind, she let out a long ragged breath. Slowly she let herself slide back against the door and slip onto the floor. She couldn't believe how hard that had been. Never had helping a patient been so difficult, but she supposed it wasn't every day your patient was your best friend.

It was times like this she had to keep herself reigned in. She couldn't let herself dwell too much on the past. She was stronger than this; she could overcome it again. Leaning her head back against the door, she let out another deep breath, trying to control her mind.

It was like her past decided to creep up on her all at once. Seeing Will again, being back at Pemberley, talking with her sister, and helping Georgiana. All the pain and grief came back to her in an instant. She staggered as she made her way towards the bed. She needed to sleep; it was the only way to get away from her memories.

There was a knock outside her door and she heard Will calling to her.

"Beth, open up!"

"Will, just go away."

"No, we need to talk. You can't keep avoiding this. Let me in."

"Please, go away."

Although her back was to the door, she knew the second he entered. Finally, when he shut the door behind him she spoke.

"I think I told you to go away."

"I'm not going anywhere, Beth. It's time to stop running."

Furiously she turned back to him and yelled, "Who the heck do you think you are coming in here and demanding I talk to you? I don't want to. I just want to be left alone. Please, just go."

"I can't do that, Beth. You need to deal with this. Don't you see what this grief has done to you? It's destroying you. Little by little it's eating you up."

"I'm fine. I don't need your help."

"Yes, you do. Can't you see that you're not really living? Can't you see that just because you refuse to deal with a problem ... that it doesn't just go away?"

Elizabeth felt the tears that had begun to well up in her eyes. She knew he was right, but it was just so hard to let herself go. She had kept everything in for so long, she didn't even know how to begin to let it out.

"Will-I can't do this."

"Yes, you can. Every time I look at you, it kills me because I can see the pain that's there. I'm so sorry. I ... I never wanted you to have to go through this ... but can't you see how much it hurts me that you refuse to let me help you?"

Silent tears were now streaming down her face. She wiped at them furiously, but they wouldn't stop.

"I never wanted to hurt you, Will. Don't you see? I thought I was protecting you. After our son died, I felt so empty. I didn't even know how to find that person I used to be. I saw how hurt you were, but I knew I just couldn't open up. It was too hard. So I left. I thought it would be better for you-that without me you could be happy again."

Will moved swiftly towards her and cupped her face in his hands.

"I was miserable without you. I just wanted to help you. Please ... please, Beth, let me help you now."

With his words, something inside Elizabeth broke, and she felt all her walls crumple at her feet. She knew it was time to stop running from the past-time to face her pain.

Letting out a ragged breath, she stumbled towards him.

She felt Will pull her into his embrace, and she let herself go. All the grief, loneliness, and hurt she had felt over the last five years poured out of her.

As she sobbed into his chest, Will held her close. He had finally reached her and didn't plan on letting her go until she had dealt with it all.

It had taken him about a minute after she had left him in the hall for him to realize what was wrong. He knew she was vulnerable and that it might be his only chance to catch her with her guard down. He still couldn't believe he had succeeded.

His mind kept replaying her words over and over. How could she have thought she was protecting him? He couldn't believe she thought he would be happier without her. Didn't she realize that she had been his entire world?

Soon he realized her tears were showing no sign of abating, so he swept her up into his arms and carried her towards the bed. He lay back against the headboard and kept her cradled tightly against his chest.

For hours they sat thus, Will gently stroking her back as she let out everything she had kept inside for far too long. Sometime later, Will looked down at her swollen eyes and realized she was asleep. He kissed her forehead and gently slid down onto the pillows, Elizabeth still held firmly in his arms. The events of the last few hours finally caught up with him, and he let exhaustion overtake him.

When Elizabeth finally awoke, the sky outside her window was black. Other than her swollen and heavy eyes, she felt better than she had in a long time-like a large weight had been lifted from her. She snuggled back into Will's arms and allowed herself to enjoy being in his embrace. She knew that once he woke, it would be awkward to be lying like that, but she had missed this for far too long not to enjoy the moments she had.

Finally, she noticed his breathing changed and he was slowly rousing himself from his slumber. Reluctantly, she pulled out of his embrace and sat up.

"Hi."

"Hey ... how are you?"

"Actually, I feel okay. Thank you for that."

He smiled and scooted up towards the headboard stretching out his body before turning back to her.

"I'm glad I could help."

"I just wish I knew what to do now..."

"You're the doctor."

"I know ... I suppose that should make it easier, but I don't know. It's easier to say then do. You know what they say doctors make the worst patients. I guess you could compare it to someone who's trying to lose weight. Just because you know what's healthy doesn't mean you follow it."

"Well ... what would you tell one of your patients to do next?"

"We'd probably sit down and talk about it."

"Okay, then that's what we're going to do."

"Us?"

"Yes, you and I are going to talk about it."

"O-Okay."

"So, before you said you thought you were protecting me when you left. Why didn't you let me help you? You're not the only one who lost a son that day, I was grieving too. Why didn't you trust me?"

"I know ... and I'm been incredibly selfish. You needed me, but Will it was just so hard. I felt like I had failed you. So you see, it wasn't that I didn't trust you, Will. I loved you so much. I couldn't be the person you needed me to be anymore. I thought it was just easier for me to leave."

"Why did you think I needed you to be a certain way? I wanted to help you."

"I know ... I know, Will. It just seemed ... ugh, do we have to talk about this?"

"Yes, we do. I'm not letting you avoid this anymore, Beth."

She let out a large huff of air and then turned an icy glare at him.

"That won't work, Beth."

"Ugh! Fine! I thought that if I wasn't the person you fell in love with ... you wouldn't love me anymore."

"What?"

Elizabeth felt him pull her face towards his and his intense gaze bore down into her own,

"I loved you more than anything in this world. Nothing you said would have changed that. You were my entire world, and when you left I was shattered."

Elizabeth put her hand on his cheek and felt tears once again streaming down her face.

"I'm so sorry, Will. I'm so, so sorry that I hurt you. I loved you so much. I just thought it was for the best, but I was wrong. I was hurt and angry and thought that justified my leaving. My parents constantly fought when I was growing up, and I just never had a good example of what a marriage should be like. I learned to keep things in. I just wanted us to be happy, and I thought that by keeping my pain to myself it would make things easier for you. But it backfired and just pulled us apart."

They sat there on the bed silently for sometime letting all that had been said sink in. Sometime later Elizabeth heard Will sigh and address her, "I'm sorry, too. You know there's still more we need to talk about, like the reasons you left."

"I know, and we will, I promise. I owe you that much. Just not tonight. We should go check on your sister."

"I know, but I'll hold you to it."

Elizabeth moved to get off the bed but before she did she sighed deeply and turned back to Will. "How do I move on? How can anything ever really be okay?"

Will stared at her for several moments. "Well I'm not an expert, but something I tried was that every day I found one thing, even if it was something small, that made me happy, and I would hold onto that little bit of happiness as tightly as I could. Slowly I began to realize I had a lot of things to celebrate and be happy about. It's not that the pain goes away, Beth, but that you realize your life doesn't have to focus on the pain and the hurt. You allow yourself to be happy."

Elizabeth slowly slipped her arms back around Will and whispered, "Thank you, Will Darcy. Thank you."

Author's Notes

*- This is from the American Psychiatric Association--
Treatment for PTSD

Today, psychiatrists and other mental health professionals have good success in treating the very real and painful effects of PTSD. They use a variety of treatment methods to help people with PTSD to work through their trauma and pain.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) focuses on correcting the painful and intrusive patterns of behavior and thought by teaching people with PTSD relaxation techniques and examining (and challenging) the mental processes that are causing the problem. (exposure) or progressive exposures to symptom "triggers" in a safe, controlled context to help the survivor face and gain control of the fear and distress that was overwhelming during the trauma. In some cases, trauma memories can be confronted all at once (flooding). For others, it is preferable to work up to the most severe trauma gradually or by taking the trauma one piece at a time (desensitization).

Psychodynamic psychotherapy focuses on helping the individual examine personal values and how behavior and experience during the traumatic event affected them.

chapter 11

Posted on Thursday, 5 October 2006

After Will and Beth parted ways outside her bedroom, he headed down to the kitchen. He hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and his stomach was grumbling.

When he entered, Mrs. Reynolds was nowhere to be found so he grabbed an apple. He then walked down to his office and sat down.

Will was having a hard time believing the last couple of hours had actually happened. His sister and Elizabeth were both on the way to recovery. He wasn't as concerned about Georgiana because he knew she was strong and had Elizabeth looking out for her. However, when it came to her recovery he had no idea what to do.

He wanted to help her and he planned on trying but he felt that Beth needed someone else's help too. She needed a woman to talk to - she needed her sister.

Dialing Jane Bingley's number, he knew how thrilled she would be when he told her the news. It had been her dearest wish to have Elizabeth "whole" again.

"Hello?"

"Jane?"

"Oh hello, Will. How are you?"

"Well I'm exhausted, to tell you the truth. Elizabeth and I were up all night with Georgiana. She's back, and she's recovering."

"Oh Will, that's wonderful!"

"I know. It's great! I still can't believe it myself."

"How did it happen?"

"She had a nightmare. I was terrified but I found Elizabeth and she took care of everything. She was great."

"Yes she usually is...I will make sure I come and see Ana this week. Charles and I both will."

"Good ... I know she'll like that. But as much as I wanted to tell you about my sister. there's much bigger news I think you'd want to know."

"What's up?" Jane's voice quickened.

"After talking with Georgiana, Elizabeth was upset. I went to her, played on her vulnerability and I got her to break down. She's finally dealing with her grief."

"Are you serious!? Oh Will ... I ... I ... can't believe it. How is she?"

"She's okay actually. She cried for a long time and when she finally settled down we talked. Jane, she's been blaming herself all this time. She actually thought I blamed her for what happened."

"I knew she probably thought something like that. Elizabeth has always had a hard time with failure and probably saw losing your child as that."

"I think you should call her. It would probably do her good to talk to her sister."

"I will. I'll call her as soon as possible."

"Bye, Jane. Take care and tell Charles I said 'hello'."

"I will, bye Will."

Several hours later William was still in his study going over some documents his secretary had sent him. He had been trying to work from home for the last several weeks but he knew he would need to go into his London offices soon. There were just too many things that he couldn't do at home.

He heard the door open, but he was in the middle of reading his email and didn't care to look up. However, after several moments went by without the intruder acknowledging himself, he turned away from the computer screen. Elizabeth was standing in front of his desk, with her arms crossed over her chest.

"You called Jane."

"Beth ... I know you might be upset and maybe I shouldn't have called her, but I really did think it would be good for you. Jane has been so worried about you and I thought it would be good for you to have someone else to talk to. I'm always willing to listen, but I'm not your sister."

She sighed deeply and looked away. "I'm not angry, Will."

Will was stunned. He had expected her to be angry, to yell at him. "You're not?"

"No. You're right; I do need to talk to Jane. I'm meeting her for lunch tomorrow. Will, I realize you only told Jane because you wanted to help me, but please talk to me before doing something like this. It is my recovery you're talking about, and I'd prefer to know what you're doing."

"I apologize, Beth."

"You don't need to apologize. As I said, I'm not really mad. I guess I just wanted to be a little angrier than I was." She corners of her mouth turned up slightly.

"We both seem to have that problem."

"Yeah well I guess we do."

They were both silent for several moments, both intently searching the other's face trying to understand what they were feeling. It was odd for either of them to be at such a loss with each other. At one time they had just instinctively known how the other felt without having asked.

Will coughed nervously and looked away. "So you've seen my sister?"

"Yeah, we've been talkin' since we parted earlier."

"How is she?"

"About the same. I'm really proud of her, though. I was worried that she would have a hard time, but she seems to be handling everything rather well."

Will nodded. "Would you mind if we talked about her treatment?"

"Sure."

"However, before we do, let's go sit on the sofa. It feel like I'm in a business meeting with you standing like that."

She nodded and they both moved towards the sofa. Once they were comfortably seated, Will began his questioning.

"So what happens next?"

"Well ... nothing much has changed ... I have several techniques I'm going to try. We're basically just going to talk."

"What about the nightmares? She was terrified last night."

"I've prescribed some medication that should help her sleep better, but I'm afraid besides that there is not much I can do. The nightmares are a symptom of PTSD; and, until we help her overcome the disorder, I don't think that we'll be able to stop them completely. Will, even when she is completely healed, PTSD is something she may have to deal with the rest of her life. It might be more sporadic, the dreams only occurring when certain events trigger them."

Will nodded slowly. "What can I do for her?"

"Be there for her. Just as you can't be Jane, I can't be you. Siblings have a special connection--especially ones who have the close relationships like we do.

"I will."

"Good. Now another thing, I need you to call Dr. King tomorrow. Update him on her progress, and ask him about physical therapy. She needs to begin as soon as possible. She's already gone weeks without using her muscles and it will be hard enough as it is."

"Will do."

Elizabeth exhaled loudly. "Well it's been quite a day."

"Yes it has. All right?" he glanced at her.

"I'm good, or I will be. Thanks to you."

"I don't need gratitude, Elizabeth."

"I know you don't. You've never wanted it, but you have it just the same." She stood up, stretching. "Well I don't know about you but I'm exhausted. Good night."

He squeezed her hand. "Sleep well."

The next day around noon, Elizabeth pulled up to the Bingleys' home. It was made of stone with blue shutters, and had two twin oak doors at its entrance. She had always loved her sister's home. Charles and Jane had moved in about a year after they had married and it suited them both perfectly. In the back, it had a picturesque garden with a charming view of the countryside.

When she knocked on the door, she was surprised to see Charles come to the door.

"Hello Beth."

"Hey, Charles. How are you?"

"I'm well. Do you want to come in? Jane is just upstairs with the children, they've been in a mood all this morning."

Beth nodded and Charles led the way into the kitchen.

"I know you probably prefer coffee, but would you care for some tea?"

"Sure." Beth smiled slightly. "You know, Charles, I'm not like many Americans who prefer coffee to tea. I think you should remember that a good portion of my life has been spent in the England."

He returned her smile. "Forgive me for my presumption. You see it took years for me to convince Jane that tea is infinitely better than coffee."

"I don't doubt it took you years. Jane may be the sweet person I know, but she can be very stubborn."

"You have no idea. I've learned that lesson quite well."

"I have no doubt about that. You know when we were younger Jane used to..."

"Jane used to what?"

Elizabeth looked up and saw that her sister had entered the kitchen.

Elizabeth answered with a teasing smile, "Oh nothing! Charles and I were just talking about you and how stubborn you are."

"Really?"

"But only in the best way, my dear," Charles said playfully as he kissed Jane's cheek.

"Of course." Jane grinned at him.

"Well the children and I must dash. Are they ready to go the park?"

"Yes, they are."

"Jolly good. Well then we'll be out of your way. Elizabeth, it was good to see you. I am very glad to hear that you're doing better."

Elizabeth smiled, "Thank you, Charles."

As Charles left the room, Elizabeth was pulled into a long, embrace with her sister. After a while, Elizabeth pulled back slightly and saw there were tears in her sister's eyes.

"Jane..."

"Beth I know you probably think I'm being ridiculous but you have no idea how happy that phone call made me yesterday."

Elizabeth felt tears well up in her own eyes, and she gave her sister a watery smile. "I'm so sorry for causing you so much worry. I'm sorry I was such a horrible sister."

"No! I will not accept your apology because there is no need. I may have been disappointed when you left, however, you are my sister, and I love you-no matter what."

"I love you, too."

The sisters embraced once more before Jane wiped her eyes and began pulling out the sandwiches she had made for lunch.

"I'm sorry I didn't get anything nicer."

"Jane ... please ... a sandwich is just fine."

Elizabeth and Jane were now seated at the kitchen table and Elizabeth took the time to look around the kitchen.

"You've redecorated."

"Yeah, we did. I always used to hate the kitchen, and finally Charles and I were sick of trying to avoid coming in here so we changed everything. I think it looks better now."

Elizabeth agreed. The kitchen was now painted a shade of yellow, which made it look bigger and brighter. The old tiled floor was now replaced with hardwood. The countertops had also been replaced for a new, cream colored stone.

"You know everything has been so crazy we haven't actually had a time to talk. How are you feeling?"

Jane took a sip of her tea before answering. "I'm great .It has been way too long since we've had a proper chat."

Elizabeth grinned. "You know you've been in England so long that it's almost hard to believe you were ever a southern girl. Only now and then can I catch your accent."

"I used to not be the only one. It was so amusing when we used to talk on the phone. I heard your accent gradually change back to that distinct Mississippi drawl."

"It's strange how much we've both changed these last three years."

"I know. The twins are almost six now."

"They've grown so fast. I'm sorry I missed it."

"Me too, Beth."

Beth felt Jane give her hand a slightly squeeze as she cleared their lunch plates from the table.

"So Janie, what is it you really wanted to know?"

Jane smiled as she returned to her seat. "Janie? You haven't called me that in years."

"We haven't had this kind of talk in years."

"That's true. Okay, I'll tell you what I want, I want you to tell me how you are, and you can't answer with an 'I'm fine.'"

"Okay then..." she paused thoughtfully, "I feel better than I have in a long time. I let a lot of grief and pain go yesterday, and I know it'll take time, but I'm finally getting better. Today was the first day in a long time that I've woken up without feeling empty."

"Good, I'm glad. You know sweetheart ... I'm here for you, any time you need me."

"I know, Jane, and I promise that I won't shut you out this time."

"Well ... actually ... there's one more thing I need to know."

"Um ... okay?"

"Why did you leave? Will never really gave a reason, and it really wasn't my place to ask him."

"Jane ... I ... I can't"

"Beth ... please. Share this with me."

Elizabeth didn't know what to do. Telling what happened wasn't the hard part--she had told Charlotte--but Charlotte hadn't known Will and she was afraid of Jane's reaction. Finally, after several long minutes, Elizabeth realized that after leaving without even a word to her sister three years ago, Jane deserved an answer.

Elizabeth sighed. "Okay, I'll tell you everything. Just promise you won't hate me."

Elizabeth felt Jane squeeze her hand again, but this time she didn't let go.

"I promise."

"I don't even know any more really. There were just so many things that went wrong. I felt like I had been buried alive, and I couldn't climb out from the bottom. I mean it all started after our son died. I was completely lost in my grief--part of me probably still is--but at the time I was so sad, angry and ashamed. I blamed myself and because of that I started my downward spiral. I hated who I was becoming and I felt that I didn't deserve Will's comfort. So I pulled away from him, and selfishly forced him to deal all by himself. Somehow he found a way to deal without me, and he grieved and moved on. I couldn't, and I kept getting angrier and angrier because I didn't see a way out."

Elizabeth paused and hastily wiped the tears away from her eyes. "Lydia was kidnapped and I felt guilty because I never told her about Wickham. It was my fault. Then when the police found her ... I never have forgiven myself for what I let happen to her."

"Beth, it was not your fault!"

"It was though. I knew who he was--what he had done--and I didn't tell her."

"You had no reason to tell her. How could you have known they would meet?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does. You have to forgive yourself for that."

Elizabeth shook her head. "Do you want to hear the rest or not?"

Jane sighed and frowned. "Yeah, I do. Go on."

"After the kidnapping, Will and I became even more separated. He was never home. I don't blame him. I wouldn't talk to him, so he threw himself into work. For the next couple of months, we barely spoke ten words to each other. Then finally one day, I went to get the mail and there were the pictures."

"What pictures?"

Elizabeth then told Jane of the incriminating pictures. She didn't leave a single detail about the pictures out. She even told her the name of the sender---Will's Aunt Catherine."

"You thought he was cheating on you?"

She nodded. "At the time I did."

"How could you think that? Will adored you. Do you know in the last three years he hasn't even looked at another woman?"

Even though Jane had not raised her voice, Elizabeth could hear the repressed anger in her tone.

"He hasn't?"

"No, and he never did."

"I know ... you're probably right ... I mean I never really believed he cheated on me. But hurt and angry people aren't always rational are they?"

"No, they're not."

"There was a letter with the pictures from his Aunt."

"What did it say?"

"It's was horrible. It basically told me I was worthless, pathetic, and an idiot. It was completely insulting and degrading. She told me that since I was unable to carry the Darcy heir that Will had found someone else to do what I couldn't."

"Why would she do that? Why would she be so cruel?"

"You know she never liked me, Jane. I wasn't good enough to be the 'Mistress of Pemberley' and she hated me for it. I took away her control and she didn't like it, so I guess she decided to get even."

"But Beth why did you let her win?"

"I don't know. When I read the letter, I wasn't mad like I normally would have been, I was just sad and ashamed."

"So you left?"

"So I left. I was suffocating, Jane. Leaving was the only way I saw out of it."

Elizabeth wasn't really sure what she had expected Jane's reaction to be, but she had never expected her sister to hug her again. Elizabeth and Jane clung to each other tightly, each taking and giving strength to the other. Elizabeth felt Jane loosen her grip, and she pulled back to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"Looking back now do you wish you had stayed?"

"I don't know if that's a fair question. It's taken a lot for me to get to this point and I don't know what would have happened if I had stayed."

Jane nodded, seemingly satisfied with her response. Elizabeth looked at her watch and realized it was about time that she headed back to Pemberley. She still had to make a stop in Lambton and she needed to be home before dinner.

"I better get going. It's getting late."

"Yeah you probably should."

"I'll call you soon, okay?"

Jane smiled, and they both walked towards the front door. Elizabeth gave her sister a kiss on the cheek and went back to Pemberley.

Jane shut the door behind her sister with a heavy sigh. She could barely believe all her sister had told her. She knew there wasn't much she could repair between Will and Elizabeth as she could never ask Elizabeth what she had done with the letter and pictures. She could also never tell Elizabeth what Will had done for Lydia-had done for her. She only knew because Charles had let it slip once and she had been sworn to secrecy. However, there was someone who she could ask to relieve some of Elizabeth's guilt.

Jane picked up the phone. It rang three times before a female voice answered.

"Hi Lydia?"

chapter 12

Posted on Sunday, 5 November 2006

"Ana? Are you awake?"

Georgiana's eyes fluttered open and she smiled sleepily at Elizabeth. Elizabeth had just returned from Jane's and had brought up Georgiana's dinner. On seeing she was awake, Elizabeth moved further into the room and set the tray down in front of her.

Georgiana smiled her thanks. "So, did you have a nice chat with Jane?"

"Yes. It was good to talk to her. She asked about you. I told her you were making progress."

Smiling slightly, Georgiana added, "Will called Dr. King today."

"Oh good ... I was hoping he would remember. What did Dr. King say?"

"Well, that he wants to talk to you, but he thinks that physical therapy should begin as soon as possible."

"Oh, that's wonderful! I was hoping he would say that!"

"I want to get started soon. I hate feeling so helpless. Beth, I need you to be honest with me. Do you think the physical therapy will really work-that walking will be easy again?"

Elizabeth weighed her answer carefully before replying. "Listen Ana, as much as I want to promise you that you will be able to run and walk normally, I can't. You are one of the strongest people I know, so if anyone could do it, it would be you."

"Thank you," she whispered.

"I bought you something while I was out."

"Really? What is it?"

Beth reached into her purse and extracted the journal from it. She laid it on the bed next to Ana.

"A journal?"

"Yes. Now, before you tell you're too old for a journal, I will tell you that in the past I have kept one myself."

"You have? You never told me that before."

"Because I knew if I told you, you would go looking for it."

Georgiana smiled mischievously. "Maybe."

"Anyway, I want you to use this journal as you would a best friend. Don't be afraid to write down whatever you're feeling. I will never read it unless you want me to. I hope that during our sessions you might be willing to share parts of it-it would help you recover better. However, if you decide you do not want to share, I will not force you."

"So I just write down anything I want?"

"When you wake up in the morning, write down how you feel. If you have a bad dream, write down as much as you can about it. If you're feeling nostalgic, write down your feelings. It's just supposed to help you express your feelings without fear of reproach or censure."

Georgiana took the journal in her hand and flipped through the unused pages. "Thank you. I think it's a good idea."

Elizabeth smiled slightly. "Good. Now eat up; you have all that strength to regain."

As Elizabeth walked in the garden the next morning, she took a deep breath of morning air. She loved waking up early and watching the sunrise. Although not many of the flowers were in bloom this time of year, Elizabeth still loved the garden's atmosphere. The leaves crackled beneath her feet as she walked.

"Beth?"

She turned around at the sound of Will's voice. "Good morning."

"What are you doing up so early?"

"I wanted to watch the sunrise ... you?"

"I was just about to take a run down by the lake. Would you like to join me?"

"Are you sure you could keep up?" Elizabeth cocked her head to the side.

Arching an eyebrow he responded, "I think I can handle it."

"Well then you're on, buddy."

Elizabeth and Will walked down to the edge of the lake and both stretched out their tight limbs.

"How long are we running for?" Elizabeth watched as Will programmed his watch.

"Well are you up for a little race?"

She pursed her lips. "Bring it on."

Will shook his head, smiling. "Well then, I think we should run a couple of laps to warm up, and then we'll see who stayed in the best shape the last three years."

"How far is that?"

"I think about three kilometers or so. Is that a problem?"

"I'll be fine."

The pair started their warm-up in a light jog, each loosening up their muscles. They were both silent during the warm-up, preferring to focus on their bodies. Finally, after they had circled the pond twice, Will turned his head and glanced down at Elizabeth.

"So are you ready to back out yet?"

"Get real, Will. We're just getting started!"

Elizabeth heard Will chuckle behind her and took the opportunity to pull ahead. Running had always been her favorite form of exercise; because, in those moments, it was just about her and the ground that lay ahead. Running had once been an activity that just allowed her to have a few minutes to herself. The solitude had been relaxing and she had enjoyed the sensation of the wind rushing through her ears.

However, after she moved to San Diego it became an escape-an escape from the past and from the pain.

It felt almost surreal being back at Pemberley, running around the same path she had run countless times in years past. Her step felt lighter as if the past and the pain she'd been running from had been lifted. For the first time in years, she was able to enjoy running again.

Continuing down the lane, she could hear Will's feet behind her. Before she knew it, he was right beside her. She took her eyes off the path and glanced at the man beside her. He still looked good; his muscles flexed and pulled tight as he kept her pace. She listened to his breathing and knew he hadn't lied when he said he had stayed in shape.

Elizabeth was about to turn her head back to the path when Will caught her eye. She gave him a challenging smile.

"You ready slowpoke? It's our last lap."

"Slowpoke? You know, just for that. I'll have no mercy on you when you lose."

"Let's go then."

The race began, each of them steadily increasing their pace, trying to keep themselves a step or two in front of the other. Elizabeth's chest burned and tightened as she breathed in the cold, morning air, however, she was determined to win. So she pushed through the pain and broke into a dead sprint. In the distance, she could see the tree they had appointed as the finish line.

At that moment, everything else seemed to vanish. She could no longer hear or see Will beside her; she just kept her focus on the tree. Pumping her arms and legs hard and fast, she reached for the tree. Suddenly, just before she reached it, she stumbled and went down.

Will was immediately at her side. Elizabeth saw the concern in his eyes and tried to reassure him that she was fine. Will knelt next to her and helped Elizabeth sit up.

"Are you sure you're not injured?"

"I promise, Will, I'm fine. Although I probably will walk a little funny, I don't think it's serious. I think I just twisted my ankle slightly."

"I know, I saw."

Elizabeth gave him an impertinent smile. "Well, if you saw me fall then that means you were behind me. So I think technically that means I win."

Shaking his head Will answered, "I don't think so. You never finished the race."

Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "Whatever. You just can't take it that you got beat by a girl."

"And let me repeat ... you never actually won the race."

"Well then, I guess I'll have to challenge you to a rematch."

"A rematch, huh?" Elizabeth nodded. "You're on, but not today. I don't want you hurt yourself again."

Sighing, she nodded again. "It better be soon though."

"Oh it will be." Will stood up and extended his hand to Elizabeth, helping her up. "Come on, let's cool down."

They leisurely walked down the path back towards the gardens. As they talked softly about the weather, Will keeping a watchful eye on her ankle. When they reached the gardens, Beth and Will both spread out and stretched again. Will had finished stretching first and moved to sit on the stone bench behind her. She could feel his gaze burning into her back.

Finally, when she could take the silence no longer, she asked, "What is it, Will?"

She heard Will cough nervously, so she swung around to face him. He stared at her for several more moments before speaking.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Elizabeth shrugged. "I guess so."

"After the doctor told us that you probably wouldn't be able to have any more children, why didn't you let me help? Why did you not allow the doctors to run those test. I know how important having children was to you, so why wouldn't you let me fly those specialists in? I guess I just never understood that."

Sighing Elizabeth rested her arms against her knees and stared at the ground. She knew he hadn't been lying when he said he wanted to talk about everything, but his question had taken her by surprise.

"If you're not ready to talk about it, Beth, I'll understand, but I hoped someday you'd be able to tell me."

"No, I'm fine. I was just surprised, that's all." Elizabeth took a deep breath. "There were a couple of reasons actually. I mean, by that point I had been in the hospital a week; I was really just ready to go home. Also I guess ... I mean you know I can be stubborn sometimes-"

Will's snort made her look up. He arched a questioning eyebrow at her. Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

"Fine ... okay ... I'm very stubborn ... all the time."

"Thank you."

Elizabeth glared at him and shook her head. "Seriously though, Will, I had convinced myself that none of the tests or specialists would give me any hope. I was so grief stricken that I just didn't want to deal with the pain of it not being possible."

Although he nodded in understanding, he was quiet for several moments, thinking her words over. He looked back up at her, cocking his head slightly to the side.

"I'm sorry you felt so hopeless, Beth. I wish ... I wish I ... God I don't know what I wish. I'm just sorry."

Elizabeth nodded. "Me too."

"What about now, Beth?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I mean there was no time limit on any of those tests. You could still try. I mean, who knows what technology they've developed in the last three years. You may still be able have children one day. I still have the numbers for all those specialists."

Elizabeth eyes glittered with unshed tears.

"Will, thank you for the offer, but right now I just don't know what I want. I mean if I took those tests and it still said that having children would be impossible for me, it would be like losing everything all over again."

"But I mean, you always wanted children...how can you just give up?"

"Will it's true I always wanted to be a mother and that hasn't changed-"

Will's frustration was gnawing at him. "Then what's the problem? I mean you have to try, Beth."

Elizabeth stood up and began pacing in front of the bench, letting out a frustrated groan.

"Please let me help you do this."

"Will, stop! Okay? You don't understand. When I was younger I never wanted to be a mother because I never wanted to be the kind of mother my mom was. As I got older that view started to change because I realized that, if I was a mother, I would love the child no matter what. However, it wasn't until after we got engaged that I really started wanting to be a mother. I would always think about what our children would be like: how they'd look, how they'd sound, who they'd be. I wanted us to have our own family."

She felt Will's hand close around her own, and he led her over to the bench and sat beside her.

"I understand."

Elizabeth let out a ragged breath and leaned her head against Will's shoulder. Will didn't say anything else, allowing her to think. She pulled back and looked into his eyes.

"Will, I appreciate all you're trying to do. But I don't know about the test; I don't know if I'm ready for that yet. I need time to think about it. I mean, I know there are other ways to have children, but I always imagined I'd have children with you; and, since things are...difficult between us now, I just don't see how that would ever be possible. So I'm not sure if I want to open up old wounds for no reason."

Will let go of Elizabeth's hand and moved closer to her on the bench. They were both silent for several minutes. Elizabeth grabbed Will's hand and squeezed it slightly. He looked over at her and smiled reassuringly.

"I understand, Beth."

She gazed at him. "I know you do."

They both were silent for some time-just relaxing in the morning air.

"Will?"

"Yeah?"

"I know that Brandon's and Anne's deaths have hit you harder than you've let on...that all of this has been harder than you let on, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone, either. You can talk to me; or if you'd rather talk to Charles or Jane that's fine just talk to someone."

"Is that your professional opinion?"

"No, I just know you. You always try to take care of everybody else first. Just remember to take of yourself too."

"I will." He gave her a half-smile before looking down at his watch. "Uh-oh. It's almost 8:00. I have to get on the phone with the London office. I got an email late last night telling me to call them first thing. You ready to go back into the house?"

"Yeah I need to call Dr. King about the physical therapy," she mentioned as they began to make their way towards the house.

"Ana told me she was excited about getting started."

"I worried though because I know how much she wants to make progress and I'm just afraid she'll be discouraged if things don't progress as fast as she'd hoped."

Will grabbed Beth's arm to stall her and met her gaze with his own. "Please don't worry yourself. We both know she can't be rushed into recovery she needs to take things at her own pace--she'll eventually undersand that. I truly believe everything will be okay in the end. I mean things always work themselves out; you just have to give it time."

chapter 13

Posted on Monday, 20 November 2006

After taking a shower, Elizabeth went to her desk and pulled out her day timer. She looked up Dr. King's number and dialed.

"Dr. King's office. May I help you?"

"Yes. This is Dr. Elizabeth Bennet. I need to talk to him about a patient of mine Georgiana Lewis. Is he available to talk?"

"One moment please."

Elizabeth tapped her fingers impatiently on the desk. It was the one thing she hated about doctors' offices-the waiting. After listening to several minutes of classical music, she heard Dr. King's voice on the other end.

"Dr. Bennet?"

"Yes, hello Dr. King."

"What can I do for you today?"

"Well William told me he called you yesterday about his sister beginning physical therapy and I was told you wanted to talk to me."

"Yes, yes right. Mr. Darcy told me that his sister has made substantial mental and emotional progress and would like to begin physical therapy as soon as possible."

"Yes that's true."

"Well I wanted your professional opinion. Do you think she's ready?"

"Dr. King she's not at a hundred percent but I do feel she's ready for physical therapy. Keeping her cooped up her at Pemberley will not be good for her health. She needs to do something besides just sit at home. So.. I think she's ready."

"Right then. Well I trust your judgment. I would however like to see her soon. I want to examine how she is healing. I would be willing to send Mr. Darcy and yourself the names of some physical therapists--ones who are especially good at dealing with accident victims."

"Thank you Dr. King. I know William and I would appreciate that. When would you like to see her?"

"Well I'm not sure. Why don't you talk to my secretary and she can set something up."

"Okay. I'll talk to you soon. Bye."

"Bye, Dr. Bennet."

Elizabeth stayed on the line for five more minutes scheduling an appointment for Georgiana for the following Tuesday. It was progress-they were making progress.

"Good morning, Ana." When Elizabeth entered her friend's room she immediately noticed the change. The curtains were drawn back and there were fresh flowers covering every hard surface in the room.

"Did Will do all this?"

"Surprisingly he didn't. Mrs. Reynolds is actually the one responsible for this. She said that no one can recover in a room that makes you feel depressed, so she said it needed to be bright."

"Well I can't argue with her logic."

"Neither can I."

"So are you ready to talk?"

"I guess ... I didn't wake up last night."

"Good! It means the medicine is working. However I'm afraid that after we have our session today you could have another nightmare tonight."

"Okay ... but eventually these sessions will help me get rid of the dreams entirely, right?"

"Hopefully."

"So where do we start?"

Elizabeth sat down on the edge of Ana's bed. "Well how do you feel today?"

"I'm okay. The pain is getting easier to manage."

"Good. How are you emotionally?"

"I'm trying. Am I allowed to just talk?"

"Sure."

"I guess just lost. Brandon and Anne were my whole life. Do you remember when Brandon and I met?"

"Of course I do. I convinced Will to introduce you."

"Will and you had only been married a couple months. We were all so happy back then. How does your life go from complete happiness to the depths of despair in the blink of an eye?"

"You know that's hard thing about being a doctor. People have so many questions that they expect you to know the answer to, but half the time I'm just as lost as you are."

"You know when my parents died I didn't understand death. It didn't seem possible that they just ceased to exist. I mean my mother was so full of life, I just didn't understand how she could be gone. I think my father couldn't understand it either; you know he was so heartbroken after her death. I think he worked himself to death. Honestly, I don't think fifteen years has given me a real good understanding of it. I just keep expecting them to be here."

"I know. Death is a hard thing to accept. That's why you were out of it for so long. However, you have to accept it. Ana, look at me." The young woman turned. "You cannot go back, and you cannot change what happened. Death is a part of life; and, even though it's not fair that some are taken from us so early, we have to find a way to move on. Ana, I made the mistake of not accepting what happened, and it cost me everything. Learn from my mistakes. Take this grief and heal, but then realize it's okay to be happy again-you're not required to be miserable forever. I think I just learned that one too."

"I'll try, Beth."

"Good!"

"Beth, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Has it worked?"

"Has what worked?"

"Well you know. Allowing yourself to be happy. Do you feel happier?"

"I do, actually." Beth smiled slightly. "It was strange-after I started looking for things I could be happy about, I realized I had a lot of good things in my life. I see now that when you shut yourself you hurt everyone around you. When I refused to grieve, I fell into a deep hole that I'm just learning how to climb out of. But trust me, Ana; as hard as it seems to imagine right now, there is goodness and happiness in this world."

"Well I hope so."

Beth gave Ana's hand a comforting squeeze. "Well I hope tomorrow we can start talking about the accident. Do you think you'll be ready?"

Ana nodded. "I think so."

"Well, what I'm planning is to start talking about it and see if you can remember. If not, there are a number things I can do to help the memories come back, because you have to deal with the trauma of the accident."

"Okay. I'll be ready. Before you go though would you mind handing me the phone. I realized there are several people I need to call, including my office."

"Are you sure you're up for that?"

"I think so."

"Well then don't let me stop you. I'll see you later."

Elizabeth handed Georgiana the phone and left the room.

Closing the door behind her, Elizabeth made her way downstairs. She was craving blueberry scones and was hoping Mrs. Reynolds could help her-no one made them like Mrs. Reynolds.

However, when she entered the kitchen the only person occupying the room was Will. He was sitting at the kitchen table, hastily shuffling papers into his briefcase while trying to quickly drink down his cup of coffee.

"Hey."

He looked up at her. "Hi. I was actually about to go looking for you."

"Really what's up?"

"Well I have a conference call with the London office in about ten minutes and I'll probably be busy all morning."

"Oh okay. I actually need to run to Lambton. Something is wrong with my laptop so I want to take it to the computer place."

"You know I wouldn't mind looking at it. Is it one of my company's laptops?"

"Yeah but you're busy. I can just get it checked out. Anyway I kinda would like to get out of the house for a while."

"Right then. I guess I'll see you back here later?"

She nodded. "Bye."

It took Elizabeth longer than she expected to get her laptop fixed. She ended up spending half the afternoon in Lambton. As she entered the house, she heard a loud bang from the kitchen and decided to investigate.

"What in the world are you doing?" Elizabeth asked as she took in the scene before her. The kitchen was a complete disaster. There was flour on all the counter tops, a broken egg on the floor, countless bowls and pots spread out, and there was Will in the middle of it all slaving over a hot stove.

"I'm cooking," he replied without turning around.

Elizabeth snorted, "You can't cook. Where is Mrs. Reynolds?"

"She asked for the weekend off to go visit her sister," he said turning around to face her, "so I decided I would cook dinner.

Elizabeth grinned at the adorably hopeless picture he presented. Will had stains all down the front of his apron and a smudge of flour on his cheek and nose.

"And what do you find so amusing?"

"You"

"Me? What are you talking about?"

"You've got something right here." She pointed to the side of her nose.

He tried to wipe it off but because of the amount of flour on his hands he only made it worse. After watching him suffer for several minutes Elizabeth decided to try and help.

"Will," she said wet a paper towel, "let me help you. First we'll get this smudge off your face and then I'll help you cook."

"Humph! I could do it on my own!"

"Yes but we would all die," she said sweetly as she approached him.

"No you wouldn't. I'm a great cook, just a little out of practice."

"When did you last cook then?"

"That's not important."

Elizabeth grinned again and began wiping off his nose and cheek.

"You are one big mess, Mr. Darcy."

"Am I?"

"Yes, just look at the state of you. What would your sister say?"

"She would probably be horrified and then laugh at me."

Before Elizabeth knew what was happening a white cloud descended around her, and she began to cough.

"What ... (cough) ... was ... (cough) ... that..."

She looked down at her clothes and realized they were all covered in flour. She then peered up at Will who appeared very amused.

"You! You did this!"

"No never."

"I am going to get you for this!"

Battle lines were drawn-Elizabeth and Will acting like ten-year-olds trying to find things to fling at each other. Elizabeth went for the eggs and started chucking them at him. Two hit their mark, and she laughed gleefully. Will snatched the ketchup from the refrigerator and squirted her unmercifully. Elizabeth ran to the stove, grabbed the uncooked pasta sauce and a measuring cup, and flung the sauce at Will's head. Most of it ended up on the wall behind him, but a big dollop hit him square on the cheek. He ran to the sink and grabbed the hose. He pointed it towards Elizabeth and sprayed for all he was worth. Several moments later, Elizabeth waved a white dish towel in surrender.

Will laughed merrily and decided to make his way back to Elizabeth. Her shirt was clinging to her body and had red ketchup stains all down the front, and her face was almost covered with flour, but now it was wet mess sticking grotesquely to her face. Will, on the other hand, was not much better. His clothes were egg-stained, and the pasta sauce was still covering much of his neck and cheek. They chuckled at the sight of each other. Will moved closer in an attempt to get a dish towel from the drawer, but the water still on the floor made it very slippery, and he started to fall. Tumbling down, he grabbed Elizabeth's hand for support; but, instead of keeping them both up, he took her with him.

Both of them were now splayed on the floor, laughing hysterically. Elizabeth couldn't believe what they had done. As her laughter died down, she looked back up at Will, who was now staring at her.

"What?" He asked.

Will gaze had turned soft and his expression thoughtful. "I don't think I've heard you laugh that much in a long time."

"I haven't had anything to laugh about."

He gentle took her chin in his hand and turned her to face him with a wistful smile on his face. "You have a beautiful laugh. I've missed it."

Elizabeth blushed. "Well then you'll just have to give me things to laugh about."

Grinning widely at her he said, "That was fun."

Elizabeth felt her insides mush as he smiled at her. "That was insane."

Deciding she needed to get her mind off of how adorable he looked, she picked up the white rag that still by her side and offered to help him clean himself up. Elizabeth wetted the towel a bit with her tongue and leaned across his chest to wipe of his cheek. She felt his breath on her cheek and suddenly she realized how close they were.

"Beth..."

Her hand stopped moving and she looked at him. He was looking at her lips intently and his eyes were sparkling with an emotion see hadn't seen in a long time. She swallowed and let her eyes meet his gaze. His fathomless dark eyes held her captive in their stare. She watched silently as his hand came up and gentle tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear.

"You're so beautiful," he said as his hand gently caressed her face.

Elizabeth had now stopped breathing. She couldn't believe what was happening. She knew she should stop him that they would regret what was about to happen but she couldn't help herself-she missed him too much. So she slowly leaned further into his touch and then placed a gentle kiss on his lips...

chapter 14

Posted on Sunday, 26 November 2006

If twelve hours ago someone had told William that his wife would ever kiss him again, he would have doubtless thought them insane. However, now that she was, it seemed incredibly perfect. The gentle pressure of her lips was completely intoxicating. He knew they shouldn't be kissing-that it was probably too soon-but somehow he couldn't seem to break away from her. It had been too long since they had shared that type of connection.

He felt her deepen the kiss and suddenly it scared him. He needed to see her eyes, to make sure she wasn't going to regret this later. Will pulled away and gazed down at her, slowly tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. Opening his mouth to speak he realized he had no idea what to say to her. He looked at her and realized she seemed to be having the same problem.

"Beth ... I..." He shook his head, about to begin again, when his phone rang. He cursed and looked back up at her.

"Take it," she urged.

He looked at her apologetically. "I'm really sorry about this." Looking down at the Caller I.D., he saw that it was Charles. "Charles, what is it?"

"Sorry, Will. Are you okay?"

Will shook his head. "I'm fine. I was just sort of in the middle of something."

"Oh, well sorry, but I really need your help."

"What's wrong?"

"Well, the numbers for the Matlock Merger just aren't adding up, and I really need your help. I know you've been busy with Georgiana and we've tried not to bother you, but this is an emergency."

He sighed in frustration. He had begun to feel increasingly guilty about his leave of absence from the company. After Georgiana's accident, Charles had offered to take over until Will was able to resume his duties. Charles had joined the Darcy team right out of college along with Will. His intelligence and natural charisma had propelled him through the Pemberley Technology ranks, and he was now the Marketing Executive. So, by taking on Will's CEO duties, he had doubled his workload. Recently, Will had begun to take his responsibilities back little by little as he still wanted to stay at home as much as possible for his sister. However, he now realized he needed to leave her in Elizabeth's care and take back his job. He had left it alone far too long, and his company now needed him.

"Charles ... how can I help?"

"Well I'm in the Derby Offices with Margaret and Derrick. We've been going over these figures all day and just can't seem to work them out. We really need your help. As you know, we're supposed to get back to Matlock by tomorrow morning; and, without your help, I'm afraid we'll miss the deadline."

"Yes, um, I'll be there as soon as I can."

He heard Charles sigh in relief. "Great. We'll see you then."

As he shut his phone, he let out a large breath and leaned his head back again the cabinet. He looked up and realized Elizabeth was no longer sitting beside him. She had leaned back against the cabinet, and was drying her face with a towel. She gazed down at him and gave him a wry smile.

"So..."

"It looks like I have to go. I'm really sorry, but this merger is pretty major, and Charles has already taken on a lot of responsibility-they need me."

She walked over and offered him her hand. "Go then."

"But look at all this..." He waved his hand around to the mess that was now surrounding them. "I can't leave you to clean all this by yourself-"

"Listen, you've spent a couple of weeks holed up here, and now your company needs you. I know how important it is to you...so get going. I can take care of this mess on my own."

"But we also need to talk."

"And we will ... I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here when you get back."

"Are you sure you'll be okay?"

She smiled slightly. "Get a shower and go be Mr. CEO. We'll talk later."

"Thank you." With a squeeze of her hand, he was gone.

As soon as he left, Elizabeth sank down onto the bar stool-her head in her hands. She couldn't believe what they had done. How had she let it happen? She shook her head, relieved that Will was gone.

She had kissed him and it had been heart-stopping. She lifted her hand to her lips, reliving the memory. Sighing, she shook her head slightly as she remembered what a great kisser he was. Great, this is just what I need-to fall for Will again. She needed time to think-they both did-time to process what had happened between them. Standing, she decided to start on the kitchen-it would take her long enough to clean it.

After Will had finally gotten all the grime out of his hair and was ready to leave for the office, he decided to check on Elizabeth. When he reached the kitchen, he leaned against the door jam and watched as she scrubbed the filthy counters.

"Hi." He noticed she jumped slightly before she turned around. "Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you. I just wanted to check on you before I left. The kitchen looks...better."

She laughed slightly. "I wish. I've got a lot more work to do. We really made a mess. Mrs. Reynolds is going to kill us."

He grinned. "Yes, she will. Again, I'm terribly sorry to leave this all on you."

"Like I said, it's fine. I don't mind. Go save your company."

"Thanks again. I'll see you later."

"Bye, Will."

Six hours later, Margaret, Derrick and Charles were able to breathe a sigh of relief. All the i's had been dotted and the t's crossed; the merger proposal was finally ready to send back to Matlock Co. The group packed up their belongings and was all ready to head home.
Will sat back in his chair and ran a hand over his face. He was glad they had been able to work everything out; this merger was extremely important to his company.

As Margaret and Derrick said their good-byes, Charles and Will lagged behind. "So, care to tell me what's been wrong with you all evening?"

"What are you talking about, Charles?"

"You've been completely distracted. I was just wondering if you wanted to talk about it."

Will sighed, deciding it was better just to get it out in the open. "Elizabeth kissed me."

Charles stared at her in disbelief. "What?"

"And I kissed her back."

"You did?" When Will nodded in response, he asked, "How did that happen?"

Will explained their impromptu food fight in detail. As he looked up, he saw Charles unsuccessfully suppressing a grin. "So there we were on the floor and she was laughing. You know I love her laugh and I hadn't heard it for so long. I just forgot for a moment everything that had happened between us; and then, before I knew what was happening, she was kissing me and I was kissing her back. Then you called."

"That was what I interrupted earlier?"

He nodded. "Yes, and then I had to leave. We still haven't been able to talk about what happened."

Charles looked at him remorsefully. "I'm very sorry about that."

"Don't be. You needed me, and this is my company. I just wish it had come at another time."

"Well, you better get home then, right?"

Will sighed. "I know I need to talk to her. I just don't know what to say. I mean part of me wishes that kiss never happened, but another part me just wants to kiss her again. Is it normal to want to kiss the woman who broke your heart?"

Charles sat down across from him. "Will she is your wife. I think it's normal to want her. I mean ... I ... you've always been attracted to her ... oh fudge! I'm not explaining myself very well, am I? Well what I mean to say is that you haven't ... dated a lot in the last several years-not that I blame you or anything-so it's perfectly understandable that when your wife comes back, you would still be attracted to her. Sometimes our bodies don't always listen to our hearts."

Will snorted. "That's an understatement, Charles. She's beautiful; she always has been. But I just ... I just don't know where to go from here..."

"Well, are you in love with her?"

"You've asked me that before and I still can't answer. I mean I love her-there's no question about that-but being in love with her is an entirely different matter, and right now I'm not too sure if I'm ready to fall back in love with her."

"Right, then. Well, I think you need to go home and talk to Beth. Georgiana is better, you two have kissed-it's time you had a chat. Get everything out in the open and then, together, discuss where you go from here."

Standing up, Will smiled at his friend. "You're right, Charles. I'll see you later."

When Will arrived back home, he decided to check the kitchen first. He thought it possible that she was still cleaning-their mess had been big enough. However, when he reached the kitchen, it was now spotless but Elizabeth-free. He wandered through the house hoping she was still up, although he knew it was late, and she might have gone to bed.

He saw a light was still on in the living room and peered in. At first he didn't see her; however, as he moved to turn off the light, he realized she was sleeping on the couch. He looked down at her and smiled. She was never very good at waiting up for him. He remembered the nights when he used to have to work late and she would attempt to stay up and wait for him; she barely managed to stay awake. He pushed some stray hair away from her face and smiled. Deciding that she looked too peaceful to wake up, he pulled her into his arms and walked towards the stairs.

As he gently moved with her up the stairs, she began to stir. "Will..." she sighed sleepily.

"I'm taking you up to bed, Beth. You fell asleep on the couch."

"Oh, okay..." She sighed again and snuggled back into his arms.

When they finally reached the guest suite, he gently laid her down on the bed. He stared at her for several moments before moving to leave. He shut the door behind him and sighed. Their talk would have to wait for tomorrow.