Previous Section, Section IX, Next Section

Chapter Thirty Four

Khalil Daud Hassan was happy. That may not sound remarkable to most people, but for a man accustomed to anxiety and grief, such an emotion could not be taken for granted. The reason for his happiness was not difficult to determine. Today was his thirty-second birthday and his thoughts were consumed with anticipation. The love of his life had insisted on cooking dinner to celebrate the occasion and he felt excited by the prospect of spending a private evening with her.

Khalil had long had his heart set on marrying Elizabeth Benton, who he considered to be the sweetest and most delightful woman he had ever met. He held her in so high a regard and admired her with so great a dedication that he found it difficult to find fault with her.

She did not know as much about the world as he did, but he had always thought of that as a blessing. He could not bear for her to experience misery at its peak and humanity at its worst as he had in the past. She also did not share his religion and was not brought up in his culture, but she had been so open-minded and so inquisitive regarding both that he had ceased to think of that as a problem. She was too impetuous at times and her tendency to nag when she did not get what she wanted grated on his nerves on several occasions, but those traits were part and parcel of her passionate nature. He, therefore, did not wish her to change. Her good traits provided all that he desired in the woman he chose to share his life with.

She was always cheerful and easygoing. She was delicate and beautiful, yet innocent and unassuming. She was also intelligent, industrious, and ambitious. She could hold her own in a debate, but she tended to downplay her abilities and exaggerated the strength of his. She made friends with impressive ease and he had yet to meet someone who knew her well and still disliked her. She had managed to convince his fastidious sister, Sabreen, of her reliability within a few weeks. Even Ahmed had acknowledged her to be a sweet girl, though he continued to argue that her religion and background made her unsuitable for his brother.

Despite his devoted feelings, Khalil had too much of a thoughtful nature to act as his heart wished. He had forced himself to be rational and wait until he could be assured that she felt ready for marriage. Having been rejected once, he had remained hesitant to move too fast lest he scare her away with his intensity.

His aforementioned doubts, however, had now subsided. Elizabeth had shown enough fortitude in the past six months to withstand his walls of cynicism. She had also demonstrated sufficient devotion to convince him of her unconditional affection. He, therefore, spent many weeks deliberating over the day, the hour, and the manner in which he would ask the most important question of his life.

He desired to do so in private, rather than in a crowded restaurant. He hoped his proposal would be unexpected and romantic, but he didn't wish to catch her too off guard. He intended it to be special and he wanted his words to convey the depth of his love for her, but he needed to restrain himself from going overboard with his emotions. Simply put, he had to propose to Elizabeth tonight, and he needed his proposal to be perfect.

Khalil had maintained his usual calm demeanor throughout the day, ensuring that no sign of his intent would be apparent to his family. Yet, he found himself overcome with a fit of nerves as he walked up the steps and stood in front of the door of Elizabeth's two-bedroom apartment. He tapped his foot several times, bit his lip, and started playing with his prayer beads. Those desperate measures didn't work. He still felt nervous beyond reason. He couldn't help but smile a little, however, as his apprehension reminded him of one of Mrs. Benton’s favorite exclamations--- 'Oh, my poor nerves! They’re ripped to pieces!'

As his self-deprecating smile grew wider, the door opened and he was greeted by the lovely sight of a beaming Elizabeth.

"Salamu alaykum" she said with the sweet, lively manner that made her special.

"Wa Alaykum Salam."

"Keefak?"

He delivered a wry smile and drawled, "Eani." *

His sarcasm drew a laugh from his beloved and she kissed him on both cheeks before letting him into her apartment. She then took his hand and led him to the kitchen. She had cooked spaghetti and meatballs following her aunt’s old-fashioned recipe with the single exception of using beef prepared according to Islamic law. He told her she didn’t need to go out of her way to buy halal beef, since he ate halal food out of habit rather than out of a strict interpretation of his religion. Elizabeth, however, had insisted getting the meat was no trouble, it wouldn’t hurt to try something new, and it was the least she could do since it was his birthday.

He accepted her argument with a smile and said, “Thank you. It’s delicious.”

“You’re welcome.”

Khalil could think of nothing else to say. His mind was yet again occupied with preparations for his proposal. He was anxious to get it over with, but he knew he should wait until the perfect moment arrived before beginning. Elizabeth watched him eat with a curious glance. She must have been wondering what he was thinking. He smiled as he reflected that her guesses would not come anywhere near the truth. His slight smile turned into a smirk as Elizabeth could no longer repress her curiosity.

“What are you smiling about?”

He looked up at her with a mischievous gaze. “Nothing.”

Elizabeth’s eyes brightened with amusement, “Oh, that’s right! You always smile about Nothing and laugh about Nothing and think about Nothing. If I wasn’t so used to hearing about Nothing, I would be jealous.”

He repressed another smile. He couldn’t let her have the satisfaction of knowing how much her teasing enchanted him. Before she could figure him out, he changed the subject to one that he knew would distract her.

“Anyway, I have two pieces of news. One is good and one is even better. Which one do you want to hear first?”

“Save the best for last.”

“Okay, the good news is I haven’t smoked a cigarette in two weeks.”

“Oh, habibi, that’s great! I’m so proud of you!”

“The better news is I brought the pictures from Jen’s wedding.”

As expected, Elizabeth’s face lit up with surprise and elation, “Oh! Finally! I’ve been dying to see those. I still don’t get why you couldn’t just take them to Rite Aid.”

He scoffed at her tastelessness, “Rite Aid? Are you kidding me?”

Elizabeth raised her eyebrows and gave him a defiant look, “What’s wrong with Rite Aid? They wouldn’t have taken a month to deliver the pictures!”

“It’s the quality that counts, Princess.”

Elizabeth laughed, “Yes, you’re right as usual and your modesty is as amazing as ever.”

Khalil smiled, lacking the will power to disguise his glee this time. Inducing her into teasing him and hearing the results of those endeavors had become a favorite pastime of his. She rarely disappointed him with her comebacks. Her most recent response encouraged him enough to continue along this vein. He leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms, and raised an eyebrow.

“So, where is your girlfriend?”

To his dissatisfaction, she answered his provocative question with composure. “You mean my roommate, of course. Carla is having dinner with her family tonight.”

He smirked, “I wonder how you managed that. Does she know her future sperm donor is having dinner with her lesbian lover?”

This line produced the desired response. Elizabeth burst into giggles.

“You are ridiculous!” she replied while struggling to recollect herself.

He smiled and spoke up again when she finished laughing, “I hope you’ll forgive Carla for indulging me with that story. It’s not everyday I hear such interesting tales about my girlfriend.”

“Oh, Carla has been forgiven…and I should thank you. I got a nice discount on my first month’s worth of rent because she felt guilty for embarrassing me…Anyway, are you done eating?”

“Yes. Thank you very much.”

Elizabeth gathered the plates and put them into the sink. She then came back to the table and asked,

“I also made dessert. Would you like to have it now or should we save it for later?”

“I would rather save it for later, if you don’t mind.”

Elizabeth smiled, “That’s all right with me. Will you show me the pictures now?”

“Sure.”

Khalil stood up and followed Elizabeth into the living room. He sat beside her on the sofa, placing his left arm around her shoulder and handing her the photo album containing his photographs of her sister’s wedding. Her eyes were bright with enthusiasm as she examined each picture in detail.

There were Chad and Jennifer together, both wearing shy yet affectionate smiles as they danced their first dance as a newlywed couple. There stood a glowing Elizabeth holding the bouquet of roses she had caught from the bride’s toss. There sat Mrs. Benton, crowing over her daughter’s marriage to an attentive Sheila Long while her husband looked on with a half-smile.

“Oh my God! What were they doing?” Elizabeth exclaimed as she gazed upon a photograph of Leah and Katie dancing in a suggestive manner with a blushing Nasser trapped between them.

“Apparently, they turned my brother into a man-wich.”

Elizabeth shook her head and held her hand over her mouth, “Oh, the poor kid! I’m so sorry about that!”

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault so you shouldn’t apologize. Nasser wasn’t able to look at girls for a few days after that, but he’s recovered since then” Khalil replied with a rueful glance.

The next page featured a picture of Elizabeth wearing her usual delighted smile while sitting next to her beaming father, who had wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

“Wow! Dad looks so happy here. I haven’t seen him smile like that in a long time.”

“Well, he had always approved of Chad and I’m sure he was very glad to see one of his daughters marry the man she loved.”

Elizabeth stared at the picture for a few moments and then turned her head back towards Khalil.

She gazed at him with a thoughtful expression and said, “He does like Chad, but I don’t think Jen’s marriage is what excited him here…I think he’s more thrilled about us than about the newlyweds.”

Khalil frowned, unable to accept Elizabeth’s train of thought. “You really think so? I mean, I know he has learned to accept me, but don’t you think he still secretly wishes that we break up so you can find someone else?”

Elizabeth’s eyes widened in apparent disbelief, “No, of course not! He really likes you! It’s true that he didn’t know you well enough at first, so all he could see were the differences between us. I knew he had those doubts so I talked to him about you and gave him the whole history of our relationship. That made him more comfortable, but it wasn’t until you dined with us for the first time that he allowed himself to be totally impartial and he told me later that he was very impressed with you.”

Khalil felt astonished. He had noticed that Mr. Benton spent a great deal of time speaking to him as of late. He would often challenge him to a game of backgammon as well, but he had always assumed that Mr Benton’s friendliness came from his concern over his favorite daughter’s welfare rather than a sincere preference for his company. He was gratified to learn he might have been wrong.

“That’s interesting. I forgot what we talked about during that dinner. I must have said something amazing if I managed to impress your dad and change his mind in one evening.”

“You talked about a lot of different subjects, but I think it was your work that held my dad’s attention the most. I remember you listed all the war-torn areas you had been to and you mentioned some of the investigations you had been involved with. You see, my dad had wanted to travel to the less fortunate areas of the world and work for the United Nations when he was younger, so when you told him that you had taken photographs in Bosnia and Somalia and Afghanistan and all over the Middle East, you struck his weak spot” Elizabeth answered with an affectionate smile.

She gazed at the picture one last time before turning the page. After flipping through several more pages, Elizabeth turned towards Khalil with a warm, captivating smile.

“Habibi, I adore these pictures! You have an amazing ability to capture peoples’ emotions. I look at these and I feel like I’m seeing my family with fresh eyes. I’m not surprised that your photography got you into trouble in the past. It’s very hard to deny certain feelings and expressions when they are captured so vividly on film.”

Khalil felt himself blush at such high praise. The affectionate gaze Elizabeth was giving him at that moment rendered him speechless. He remained motionless and stared at her in wonder as she tilted her head up and kissed him with the utmost force of passion.

He soon realized that this was the perfect moment to tell her everything he felt, everything he desired, and everything he needed to make his life complete. He pulled back from her and cradled her small, delicate hands with his own. She gazed up at him, holding him spellbound with her expressive dark eyes. He glanced down at their hands in order to regain the ability to speak.

“Elizabeth…eh…I don’t know how to tell you…eh, there is something I would like to eh…I want you to know…eh…” he let go of her hands in frustration. He had prepared the words he wanted to say with meticulous consideration, but that had all been for nothing. He couldn’t remember his speech anymore. He was too nervous. He wouldn’t be able to express his wishes. He was bound to stumble and say something stupid, offending her and ruining everything.

Elizabeth interrupted his anxious thoughts with a squeeze of his hands. “Relax, sweetie. Just breathe” she whispered.

Khalil squeezed her hands and took a deep breath. He looked into her eyes and lost himself in thought. Suddenly, an observation Sabreen had made during Chad’s wedding came to his mind and gave him a much needed blast of inspiration.

“I didn’t always have so much trouble expressing myself. When I was a kid, I had the exact opposite problem. I didn’t know how to stop talking. Believe it or not, but back then, Sa’id was considered the quiet one and I was the extrovert. I would run around telling stories of tanks and soldiers, snipers and battles, and anything else I had happened to see that day to anyone who seemed willing to listen. My father would get irritated sometimes when I rambled on too much. He would say to my mother, ‘Ay Allah, Leila, can’t you get that boy to be quiet for five minutes. I’m getting a headache!’ My mom would just laugh and argue that he was chattier than her so it was his fault that his son talked too much. My mother’s parents lived with us for a while and they always indulged me…especially grandma. I used to sit on her lap and talk on and on about whatever popped into my head and she would pat my head and smile.”

He sighed and lowered his eyes, pausing to steel himself for what he had to say next.

“That all changed after mom and dad passed away. It was too much for me. I couldn’t express my grief, because I didn’t have the strength to deal with it. I buried the memories of my childhood, hoping to forget that I ever had parents in the first place instead of coping with my loss. I hid my emotions so deep I lost the essence of my personality. I inherited the responsibility of taking care of my younger siblings when I wasn’t at all mature enough to handle it. My father had always been calm in life-threatening situations. He would stay silent and guide us all to safety while my mother would scream and cry, frightening us with her hysterics. I wanted to be like my father, but I went overboard. Instead of being calm yet caring at the same time, I became cold and withdrawn. I spent most of my time taking care of Nasser and Zahra, who needed me the most since they were only babies. I stopped playing with the others. I didn’t talk unless I needed to. I lost interest in telling stories. My only outlet of expression became photography and I devoted myself to it so much that it turned into an obsession rather than an occupation. I ended up going too far and putting my extended family in an uncomfortable situation, so I moved to the U.S.

“The shock of moving to a new country only made things worse, but that proved to be the tip of the iceberg. Being who I am and living in New York City after September 11 isolated me so much more that I became paranoid. I walked down the street and expected people to stare at me with suspicion. If someone looked me in the eye, I imagined they were tracing a resemblance to Bin Laden. If someone hesitated to sit next to me in the subway, I assumed it was because they were afraid I would blow them up. I didn’t want to interact with strangers. When Richard asked me to be his best man, I almost turned him down and I refused to go to the dress rehearsal for that reason. I expected everyone there to stare at me, to exchange worried whispers about where I’m from, to make fun of my accent, and to dismiss me as an outsider. I even thought the maid of honor would refuse to dance with me if she found out I was Muslim, but you proved me wrong, Elizabeth. You were kind and friendly and when you looked at me, I didn’t see any suspicion or disdain in your eyes. I’m convinced I would have remained a pale shadow of my former self if I had never met you. You have brought me out in a way nobody else was able to. You have allowed me to feel free again.”

He took another deep breath, kneeled down on one knee, held out the engagement ring his father had made for his mother, and continued. “Elizabeth, I love you. I cherish every second I spend in your company and my greatest desire is to share the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

Tears streamed down Elizabeth’s face as she gazed upon him with her trembling hand covering her mouth. After he finished speaking, she did not hesitate to say yes and engulfed him in her arms. He lifted her up and held her tight as she cried against his shoulder. He did not realize that he had been crying as well until he looked down upon her and found teardrops glistening in her dark hair.

*Salamu alaykum- Peace be upon you (a formal way of saying hello)

Wa Alaykum Salam- And Peace be upon you too

Keefak- how are you? (informal)

Eani- So-so

Chapter Thirty Five

Khalil threaded his fingers through the soft strands of her long hair and waited for her to regain her composure. After her eyes unburdened their tears, she lifted her head towards his face and delivered a stunning smile. He held her gaze as she reached her hands up to his cheeks and wiped his lingering tears away with her delicate fingers. He let out a deep sigh, closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against hers. Khalil reveled in the serenity her love and acceptance provided, but Elizabeth was not so patient with this stillness. She tilted her chin closer to his and captured his lips with her own.

Caught off guard, he lost the ability to think and allowed her to take the lead. His lips, however, must have responded to hers of their own accord for their kiss deepened. Her hands treaded upwards from his face to his hair as he gave in and allowed his body to act upon its desires.

When he felt himself edging near the brink of his self-control, he backed away from her and released her from his grasp. It took him several minutes to curb his erratic breathing and clamp down on the volatility of his heart. After recollecting himself, he glanced at Elizabeth and saw that she had not fared any better. Her cheeks burned red, her breaths remained rapid and shallow, and her eyes were imbued with a mixture of concern and yearning. She stepped towards him, took his hands, and pierced his eyes with her own.

“Are you all right?”

He smiled, “No. I am happy.”

Elizabeth giggled, “So am I…I can’t deliver an amazing speech like you just did, but I can say that I adore you. I have been hoping and waiting for you to propose for a long time and I was starting to get desperate. I even thought about asking the question myself if you didn’t do it sometime soon! ”

Khalil laughed, not at all surprised that his darling princess would consider such a scheme. His delight in the strength of her affection made it impossible to stop himself from kissing her again, despite the vow to protect her he had made long ago. His sudden fervor must have overwhelmed her since he could feel her knees start to lose their balance. Before she toppled over, he lifted her and carried her to the sofa.

She smiled at him and held his hands. He felt reassured and gazed at her, but the sight of her lovely face weakened his self-control and reawakened his desire to touch her. In an attempt to avoid staring into her exquisite eyes, he looked down at their clasped hands. The sight of her bare fingers reminded him of his neglected duty.

“Oh! I forgot to put the ring on your finger!”

He grasped the ring from the nearby table. It was a gold ring featuring a golden dove etched in the center. Two sapphires stood in for the dove’s eyes and its wings were adorned with small yet eye-catching rubies and emeralds.

“This was my mother’s engagement ring. My father had made it for her. He used the symbol of the dove to show her that his love for her had brought peace and harmony to his life.”

Elizabeth stared at the ring with evident awe. He took her hand and placed the ring on her finger. He smiled with satisfaction, thinking that the beauty of the ring could only be eclipsed by that of its new owner.

Elizabeth looked up at him with tears welling in her eyes. “Oh! This is priceless!”

“Yes it is and that makes it the only ring worthy enough for my princess.”

Elizabeth kissed him again. She then drew back and declared, “I love you so much!

Thank you, thank you, thank you” as she squeezed his hands.

Khalil laughed, taking great pleasure in her enthusiasm.

Elizabeth tugged on his arm, “Would you like dessert now?”

“Sure” he answered with a grin and allowed her to pull him to the kitchen.

Elizabeth took out the apple pie she had baked for him. She gazed at him with an eager though anxious look as he shoved his fork into a big slice. Though he didn’t like pies in general, he found this one to be delicious. The flavor of the apples came through without being overpowered by cinnamon and sugar. The crust packed enough of a punch to make an impact, but it wasn’t too thick and buttery as other pie crusts.

He expressed these observations to his beloved and complimented her on her wonderful cooking, but then fell silent. Happiness, though potent, could not work miracles and Khalil, though passionate, was not of the type to unhinge his reserve at a moment’s notice. Despite Elizabeth’s best efforts, he had not yet learned to carry an extended conversation when he felt overwhelmed with his emotions. Elizabeth, however, appeared to have gained an understanding of the reasons for his silence. She no longer felt the need to urge him to share his thoughts. Instead, she ate her pie and lost herself in reflections of her own.

It was not until they finished eating and returned to the living room that Khalil gave his fiancé an indication of his feelings.

“Elizabeth, let’s get married soon.”

Elizabeth smiled, “I’ll marry you in a week if you want me to.”

“I’m not joking.”

“Okay then… since we got engaged on your birthday, why don’t we get married on mine?”

“So on July 18? That would be great! Oh and we can go to Lubnan for our honeymoon! I like to go back home every summer and you weren’t there long enough last year. There are so many other places I want to take you…” he trailed off when he discovered his rationality had given way to his excitement. He realized he shouldn’t be making such plans without consulting her first and moved to correct his error. *

“Would you mind going back there or…maybe you would rather go somewhere you haven’t gone before?”

“I would love to go to Lebanon for our honeymoon!”

That response put an end to his doubts and they proceeded in discussing such matters for the rest of the evening. Sadly, the time to leave came upon him and he felt obligated to bid his beloved good night. She was loath to let him go and did not shy away from asking him to stay a while longer. Khalil, however, had no intention of giving in and cut off her begs with a kiss to her forehead, a serious gaze, and a reminder that he would see her tomorrow.

Khalil felt delighted with everything and anything as he drove home that evening. However, his overpowering sense of joy faltered a little after he entered his apartment and found his siblings staring at him with suspicion in their eyes. He blinked, confused as to why his entrance would cause such a commotion.

“You’re late” Ahmed commented, increasing the extent of Khalil’s discomfort.

After a momentary silence, Sabreen’s earnest gaze disappeared into a delighted smile and she yelled out, “You proposed, didn’t you?”

Khalil blushed at his own transparency, but then nodded his head.

“And she said yes, right?” Sabreen followed up.
He nodded again, breaking into a wide grin.

Sabreen clapped her hands, her eyes shining with excitement. “Oh my God, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you!”

She gave him a fierce hug, which he reciprocated with joy and tenderness. Nasser, Zahra, and Uncle Hamid followed with warm embraces and well wishes of their own. Ahmed was the only member of the family to maintain his composure. He gave his eldest brother a long, appraising gaze and later echoed a polite but emotionless congratulation. Khalil chose to ignore Ahmed’s coldness and proceeded to give his nosy siblings a full account of his proposal and Elizabeth’s reaction.

When he finished speaking, Sabreen gushed, “Aww, that’s so romantic! You made her cry! I wish I could have seen the look on your face when she said yes. I bet it was adorable!”

She gave him another hug. “You better have lots of cute babies. I want to be the aunt who spoils her nieces and nephews rotten!”

Khalil chuckled, but he couldn’t stop himself from getting a little teary eyed at his sister’s enthusiastic acceptance. It had taken her a while to trust Elizabeth enough to feel happy for him. Sabreen had inherited a protective streak from their mother, which lead her to suspect Elizabeth’s motives for dating him. She had confronted him about his relationship, arguing that an American girl from a well-off Christian family could not be serious about him and that she must be toying with his feelings with the intention to dump him when he no longer interested her. He, of course, was incensed by her insinuations and had refused to speak to her again unless she apologized and made an effort to get to know Elizabeth better. Unwilling to sever all ties with her beloved brother and guardian, Sabreen had relented and agreed to give Elizabeth a chance. A steady friendship between the two young women soon followed and Khalil could not but be pleased with such a wonderful outcome.

Sabreen’s never-ending chatter soon interrupted his thoughts and brought him back to the present. She clapped her hands again and exclaimed, “Yay, I get to go to another wedding! I love weddings! Can I be one of the bridesmaids? I love being a bridesmaid! Oh, that reminds me, I have to call Liz so we can go shopping for her wedding dress! There’s no way I’m letting that tacky mother of hers choose another tasteless, over-the-top dress like she did with poor Jennifer! Zahra, you should come with us! We’ll have so much fun! Plus, Mrs. Benton won’t give up easily so Liz and I will need some back up.”
Khalil laughed as his sisters linked arms and scampered off to their room where they would continue to discuss the perfect dress for their future sister-in-law and develop their scheme of overthrowing her overbearing mother’s wishes. When the girls were gone, Nasser looked at him with a knowing grin and rolled his eyes. Ahmed chose not to participate in this brotherly exchange, however, and walked off in silence.

“Should I call Sa’id or do you want to tell him the good news?” Nasser asked.

Eager to get some rest and be alone with his thoughts again, Khalil urged Nasser to acquaint their brother with the events of the evening. He then bid his uncle, who was the only one left in the living room with him, a good night and went to bed.

Unfortunately, Khalil’s newfound peace of mind was not meant to last. Only a few days after his engagement, Nasser barged into his room with a face reddened by uncontrollable anger and a stack of letters in his hand.

“I knew it! I was right about Ahmed this whole time! He was never kidnapped. He wanted to go with his friends, he wanted to fight the Israelis and these letters prove it!”
Nasser handed him the pile of letters exchanged between Ahmed and his close friends. These were the same friends who were Hizbollah militants; the same friends who Ahmed had claimed put a gun to his head and forced him to participate in their planned ambush of Israeli soldiers at the border between Lebanon and Israel last summer. After reading all of the letters, word for word, more than once, Khalil was stunned. Nasser was right. Ahmed was by no means a victim. He had volunteered to participate in an uncalled for attack on Israeli soldiers. He had even contributed to the planning of the scheme.

Khalil felt betrayed, ashamed, and confused. He had trusted Ahmed when the rest of the family had expressed doubts and fury over the incident. He had disregarded his own wishes, sacrificed his happiness, and left a helpless Elizabeth with nothing but fear and regrets in a foreign city to rescue his brother. He had risked his life by driving through roads embedded with hidden landmines, searching through Hizbollah-controlled villages and knocking on hostile doors. He had come as close to the danger zone as he could while remaining outside the fighters’ shooting range and found Ahmed scampering towards the bushes while his friends incited Israeli troops into a gunfight.
He had done all this with concerns over his brother’s wellbeing foremost in his mind. He was now crushed to learn that his brother had not done the same for him. He struggled to regain his composure and lifted his eyes to find Nasser watching him with an anxious gaze.

He drew away from his reflections and gave Nasser a sharp look, “Where did you find these?”

“In Ahmed’s room.”

He raised an eyebrow in a disapproving gesture, “You were snooping around in his room?”

“What else could I have done? I’ve been telling you my suspicions about this for almost a year. I kept warning you not to believe Ahmed, but you never listened to me. I did what I had to do to show you the truth.”

Khalil sighed and rubbed his forehead with his hands, “I can’t believe this! He really did lie to me. I knew he felt like the outsider of the family, but I never thought he could stoop this low.”

“If I were you, I would kick him out of my house and tell him I never want to see him again! The guy is nuts! I mean, he almost killed people for no good reason. He could have been killed. You could have been killed trying to save him and then what the hell would we have done without you? I bet he didn’t even bother to think about that. He never cared about any of us. He never thinks about anyone other than himself and yet he goes around preaching to us about morals and shit!”

“You haven’t said anything about this to the others yet, have you?”

“No, but I’m going to right now.”

“Oh no, you’re not.”

Nasser gaped at him, “What? Oh, hell, no! Don’t tell me you’re going to hide this from them? Come on, man. You can’t keep defending the prick. The asshole lied to you. He lied to all of us and he stabbed us in the back.”

Khalil put his arms on Nasser’s shoulders, “First of all, calm down. Second, watch your language and third, let me handle this for now. Don’t say anything about this to anyone until after I’ve talked to Ahmed. Do you understand?”

Nasser nodded his head and left the room a moment later. Khalil shook his head, approached Ahmed’s room and knocked on the door.

“Come in.”

He walked in and stood with his arms crossed against his chest, “We need to talk.”

Ahmed looked confused, “Oh okay. What do you want to talk about?”

“I want you to admit you lied to me.”

“What do you mean?”

“You weren’t kidnapped last summer, were you?”

Ahmed paled but made no reply. Khalil stalked forward, “Just say it, Ahmed. Tell me you lied to me. Look me in the eyes and tell me the truth.”

Ahmed backed away from him, but did as he was told. “Fine, I admit it. I wasn’t kidnapped. I lied, but I did it for your sake!”

“Oh, really? I’m having trouble understanding that, so here is your chance. You can explain everything. You can tell me why you agreed to do such a stupid thing, why you changed your mind later, and why you lied to me in your letter or you can start looking for somewhere else to live, because I won’t put up with a lying backstabber.”

Ahmed glared at him, “I was going to do it for mom and dad! I wanted justice. I wanted the enemy to suffer for what they did to us. I’m not coldhearted and soulless like you. I couldn’t get over our parents’ deaths as fast as you did!”

Khalil felt every muscle in his body tense with rage at such a disgusting accusation, but he forced himself to stay silent.

Ahmed ranted on, “You could have done something! You were old enough to fight. You could have avenged our mother and father, you could have helped our side in the war, but you didn’t do a damn thing! Instead, you ran around taking worthless pictures. You talked shit about Nasrallah and Hizbollah but that didn’t stop you from taking photos of their rallies. You got famous off of those pictures, but instead of being grateful for that, you threw a hissy fit when the Maronites labeled you as a Hizbollah supporter. Then, you went and riled Hizbollah members up with those stupid anti-Syrian investigations and got us all into trouble. You were too much of a chicken to take responsibility for what you did, so you forced us all to move to this damn hellhole of a country! You put me through eight years of turmoil in New York and you got so desperate for attention that you confused lust with love and got yourself engaged to a silly American girl and you expect me to be happy about it! And you have the gall to call me a backstabber!” **

Khalil clenched his fists and repressed the urge to knock his brother out with a fierce punch to the jaw.

“Why didn’t you go through with your plans then? Why didn’t you fight and die along with Husayn and the others? Why did you send me that letter?”

“Because of Sabreen and Zahra. I knew if I went through with the plan, then I could get killed. I thought about that a lot while we were driving to the border and I realized that I didn’t want to put my sisters through any more pain. I didn’t want to cause them grief. That made me rethink everything. The more I thought about our plans, the more I realized how pointless it all was. Getting revenge by killing somebody else wasn’t going to bring my parents back and it wasn’t going to make my life better so I decided not to do it. I didn’t have any money or a ride home, so I knew I had to contact you for help. I knew you would be disappointed in me if you knew the truth, so I lied. I didn’t want to hurt you, okay. I didn’t see the harm in lying. I never thought you would find out about it.”

“You didn’t think about the grief you might cause when you wrote to me! What if I got killed while trying to save you, dumbass? You don’t think that would have caused our sisters grief?”

“Oh come on! You weren’t in any danger. You didn’t get anywhere near the battle and I made sure of it. ”

“I wasn’t in danger! Are you kidding me? Do you know how many landmines there are in the South? I could have been blown up while driving in my car! What about the rest of us? You don’t think your brothers would have grieved for you if you died?”

“No. Nasser hates me and you and Sa’id never gave a damn about me!”

“That’s not true. I love you. We all love you. You’re our brother. How could you think we don’t care about you?”

“You’re the liar now! You never cared about me. You ignored me for years. You didn’t play with me when I was a kid. You didn’t talk to me. The only siblings you paid any attention to were Nasser and Zahra. Hell, you weren’t even around us half the time. You went off on your little journeys to take pictures and left us to fend for ourselves.”

“I did everything I could to take care of you and the rest of our family. I made a living and provided for all of us by taking those pictures. I know I didn’t spend as much time with you as I should have, but I never meant to ignore you. I thought I was doing the right thing. I was trying to be calm like dad. I’m sorry I didn’t play with you, but I was grieving and didn’t have the heart to…”

“Oh, please! Spare me the woe is me, I had too much responsibility at too young an age bullshit! I’ve heard that a thousand times. We all had to deal with that. You don’t think I had responsibilities? I had to help take care of the others too and I was much younger than you. I started working when I was teenager just like you did, but I didn’t leave the family for months at a time. I didn’t go to university and live in a dorm for four years. I chose not to go to college so that I could work full-time to help you pay the bills.”

Khalil couldn’t take this ridicule anymore. He snapped, “If you hate me so damn much, then why the hell are you still living here? Get off your lazy ass and find your own damn apartment to live in!”

“That’s exactly what I’m going to do. I hate this country. I never wanted to live here and I’m not going to stay here anymore. I’m going back to Beirut!”

Khalil immediately regretted his words. “No, you’re not! I’m not going to stand by and let you break up the family! I didn’t struggle for years to keep us all together to see it all come to nothing now.”

“There’s nothing you can do or say to change my mind. I’ve had it with this place. I don’t belong here. I’ve never belonged here. I need to go back home and live my life the way I want to live it without having to rely on someone like you.”

Ahmed started walking away, but Khalil followed him and grabbed him by the shoulders before he could leave the room.

“You’re not moving back to Beirut.”

“Yes I am and you can’t stop me!”

“What are you going to do? Where are you going to live? How do I know you won’t get involved with Hizbollah militants again?”

“I can take care of myself! You don’t have to worry about me causing trouble. I learned my lesson. Besides, the Jews didn’t murder our parents. The Catholics did!”

That final accusation made Khalil surpass his breaking point. He knew it to be a direct dig at Elizabeth’s background and he wouldn’t stand for it. He didn’t care what Ahmed did anymore. He washed his hands of him. He released his brother from his grasp and shoved him towards the doorway.

“You know what, do whatever you want. Go ahead and move back to Beirut. I don’t care about you anymore.”

“You never did in the first place!” Ahmed answered as he stormed out of the room. Khalil could no longer contain himself. He slammed the door and pounded his fist against the wall until it was covered in bruises.

*Lubnan is the Arabic name for Lebanon.

** Nasrallah refers to Hassan Nasrallah, the Secretary General (i.e. leader) of Hizbollah. Maronite is a term for Lebanese Catholics. The main Maronite political party, Phalange (or Kataib in Arabic), is opposed to Hizbollah and anyone who appears to support it. The Phalange party is also staunchly opposed to Syria, which had installed its army in Lebanon during the Lebanese civil war. Hizbollah is pro-Syrian in their ideology; therefore, anything that portrays the Syrians in a negative light with regards to Lebanese politics is likely to anger staunch Hizbollah supporters. (Basically, Khalil’s work pissed off members of both of these political parties, putting him and his family in a very sticky situation).

Chapter Thirty Six

Sabreen interrupted her brother’s self-mutilation by barging into the room with an angry look on her face.

“What on Earth just happened? Ahmed left and said he’s not coming back! He’s going to stay with Sa’id and then go back to Beirut? Why would he do that? What did Nasser do this time?”

Khalil sighed and leaned his clenched fists against the wall. This must have caught

Sabreen’s notice for she grabbed his right hand and looked at him with grave concern.

“Why is your hand bruised?”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing! You’re bleeding!” she said after scrutinizing his fingers. Khalil glanced down at his hand to find she was right. He looked up and discovered his blood had stained the wall.

Sabreen ran out of the room and returned a moment later with a tube of Neosporin and a box of band-aids. Without saying a word, she took his hand and tended to his wounds with tenderness and compassion. As she mended his damaged fist, her gentle and caring manner reminded him of the days when his mother used to nurse his injuries back to health. Memories of his mother led to thoughts of his family and the tattered state they had now found themselves in. His frustration over what Ahmed’s selfish behavior was doing to his family re-emerged in full force. Without knowing what he did, he lifted his left fist and pounded it against the wall.

Sabreen jolted and let go of his hand. She looked up at him with widened eyes immersed in fear.

“What the hell is wrong with you? Are you out of your mind? You’re hurting yourself!”
Khalil felt a rush of guilt at the magnitude of his sister’s concern. He had frightened her. He had never displayed such honest and unhindered anger in her presence. She could not have known that he had a long-suppressed yet ruthless fury deep within him.

He lowered his head, too ashamed to stare into her haunting eyes. She had the same eyes as their father and the same eyes as Ahmed.

“I’m sorry” he whispered.
She shook her head and took his left hand, searching it for cuts and bruises. There were none. She stepped away from him, crossed her arms, and observed him with a hint of a glare.

“Will you tell me what happened?”

He stared at the traces of blood on the wall in morbid fascination. The red streaks still held his attention as he forced himself to tell his sister the truth.

“Ahmed lied about being kidnapped last summer” he muttered, his voice as bruised and battered as his bloodied fist.

He refused to glance at Sabreen and continued to focus his hardened eyes at the wall before him. He could not witness her shocked reaction. He could not bear to see her disappointment.

“Oh” was the only reply.

An uneasy silence domineered its way into the room. He stood still, his eyes sending futile death glares into the nothingness.

“He’s leaving us” Sabreen said.

He nodded. He heard her leave the room a moment later, but he did nothing. She would inform the others regarding Ahmed’s disappearance. He would not need to speak the name of his prodigal brother ever again.

Several days passed before Khalil heard any news about Ahmed. Sa’id informed him that the foolish boy had made good on his promise and had departed to Beirut. His siblings coped with this dramatic break in the family as well as they could. It was hard on the girls, in particular, to see their beloved brothers at odds with each other. However, Sabreen and Zahra stood by Khalil. They were not aware of the exact content of the argument, but they knew Khalil had done all he could do for Ahmed. They held their eldest brother faultless in the matter and blamed Ahmed for his insistence on leaving. Khalil had refused to repeat Ahmed’s merciless criticisms of his actions, but his sisters understood the pain and humiliation Ahmed’s militancy could have brought to their family. They respected Khalil’s wishes, choosing not to dwell on the sadness of their reality and moving on with their lives.

Wedding preparations and the unwavering anticipation such matters stirred up dominated Khalil’s life for the next three months. His bride to be was all kindness and affection. He could not have wanted more and he would not have expected less from her. She shared his disappointment, commiserated with his loss, soothed his anger, and brought joy where there had been pain. Their relationship was remarkable in its strength and endurance. Unfortunately, the time came for their incredible bond to be sorely tested.

Only a few days before his wedding, Khalil woke up to find his life would take a sharp, sudden plunge into an abyss of despair. When he logged onto his laptop that morning, he was greeted by the devastating headline that a new conflict had engulfed his homeland. On July 12, 2006 Hizbollah militants crossed the Lebanese border into Israel and ambushed Israeli troops, kidnapping two soldiers and calling for a prisoner exchange between their organization and the government of Israel. In response, the Israeli Prime Minister declared the militants’ actions as an act of war and ordered air raids into Southern Lebanon. The next day, Israeli fighter planes bombed Beirut’s international airport and the Israeli Army proceeded to block its neighbor to the north by air and by sea. *

Khalil was numbed by this terrible news. His country would witness yet another war. There could no longer be a wedding. He had been a fool to have allowed himself to hope. He had been delusional in thinking he could free himself from the tragedies of the past and from the instability of his homeland. Happiness, so close to his grasp, had alluded him again and the wonderful life he had been living for the past nine months revealed itself to be what it really was: a mere pipe dream.

A flash of insight channeled him out of his miserable stupor. Ahmed was now stuck in Beirut. He had not responded to the wedding invitation. He had not spoken to Khalil in months, but his phone conversations with Sabreen had made it clear he was living in the apartment all the Hassan siblings had grown up in.

A complete understanding of the situation emerged for Khalil. He stopped thinking in generalities about his country and shifted his concerns towards his family. He realized with rapid clarity what he needed to do. He dragged out the luggage from his closet and proceeded to toss in anything he needed and could get his hands on.

Nasser walked into his room a minute later and exclaimed, “Oh my God, I can’t believe this shit!”

He engaged in a long political rant about the ongoing conflict in Lebanon, but Khalil heard little of his brother’s words. His concentration blocked out everything other than his need to pack as fast as possible to get on the earliest flight to Damascus, Syria.

Nasser must have realized his brother was not listening. He stopped seething and stepped forward, “What are you doing?”

“Packing” Khalil replied without looking up.

“Why?”

“I’m going to Beirut.”

Nasser laughed, “Yeah right. I get it. Irony is funny. Seriously, though, why are you packing?”

Khalil gazed at his brother’s confused face, “I am going to Beirut” he said in a loud, slow manner to emphasize the earnestness of his words.

Nasser’s jaw fell to the floor. “Are you kidding me?”

“Does it look like I’m joking?”

“What, are you insane? You can’t go to Beirut now! You’ll get killed!”

Khalil gave no response and continued packing. Nasser left the room and came back a moment later with Sabreen, Zahra, and Uncle Hamid in tow.

“What the hell do you mean you’re going to Beirut? Have you lost your mind? Are you suicidal?” Sabreen yelled.

“Ahmed needs me.”

“And we don’t?” Nasser replied.

“Not as much as Ahmed does right now. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re not stuck in the middle of a war!”

Nasser refused to back down from an argument. “What if something happened to you? If you’re with Ahmed, then we might lose both of you and then what the hell would we do? Our family will be torn to shreds. There isn’t much you can do for Ahmed anyway and he has our cousins and aunts and uncles to help him out.”

“Guess what, most of them live in Dahieh. They will be among the first to get bombed! I need to be there as soon a possible. I have to help them.”

“You can’t go to Beirut. The airport is shut down” Sabreen said.

“So what? I can get a flight to Damascus and go to Beirut from there.”

“How are you going to get to Beirut? You won’t have a car” Nasser replied.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m going to Beirut. I don’t care how I get there. I’ll take a taxi or even hitch a ride if I have to.”

That answer provoked a rant from Sabreen. “You’re nuts! How the hell are you going to help Ahmed? What are you going to do? Walk up to the Israeli tanks and order them not to fire! Are you going to stop the war, Khalil? Are you going to shoot down the planes before they drop their bombs?”

“You’re not funny.”

“You’re not rational! There’s nothing you can do there. You will be risking your life for nothing!”

“I can do more to help there than I can here! What if our relatives lose their homes? They don’t make a lot of money. They will struggle. I can give them the money and food they don’t have. What if the roads are destroyed? Our aunts and uncles might not be able to reach Ahmed in time. I’ve seen war more than Ahmed and our cousins have. I know what to do in dangerous situations. I can protect them. If risking my own life is what I have to do to keep Ahmed safe, then that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t care that he lied to me. I don’t care that we don’t speak to each other anymore. He’s my brother and I have to be there for him. I have no other choice and none of you can say or do anything to change my mind, so leave me alone!” Khalil shouted, shocking everyone into silence.

Nasser, being more accustomed to his brother’s slow-burning temper than their sisters, was the first to recover from his angry display.

“What about the wedding?”

“There isn’t going to be a wedding.”

Sabreen gaped at him in horror, “You’re canceling it!”

“No. I’m postponing it. I can’t get married at a time like this.”

“You’re going to break Elizabeth’s heart!” Sabreen declared.

“She will understand.”

Sabreen raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms. “What if she doesn’t?”

He glared at her, his patience wearing on thin ice. “Then I’ll make her understand!”

Sabreen left the room in anger and the others did not take long to follow. Khalil resumed packing with fierce determination for the next few hours. He was almost done when his momentum was cut short by a knock on the door.

He opened the door to his room to find his fiancé standing in front of him with a devastated look on her face.

“Can I come in? I really want to talk to you.”

He nodded and allowed her to walk into his bedroom. It was the first time she had ever been there.

“You haven’t answered my calls. I’ve been trying to talk to you about the wedding. I don’t understand why you’re not responding.”

“I’m sorry, but I’ve had other things on my mind.”

She looked so hurt by his blunt answer that he couldn’t stop himself from putting his arms around her and giving her a brief kiss.

She lowered her head and whispered, “We won’t be getting married anytime soon, will we?”

He sighed, “I’m very sorry. I know we had everything planned out. I know you were really excited about our wedding and so was I, but there’s no way I can get married while my country is at war and my family is in danger.”

“I understand” she said with tears in her eyes.
He kissed her with vibrant urgency for a long, passionate moment, but then dragged himself away. “Elizabeth, I have to leave soon. Before I go, I want you to know that no matter what happens, you will always be the love of my life. You made me happy and I hope I did the same for you. I hope you won’t forget all that we shared together.”

“What do you mean you have to leave? Where are you going?”

Khalil took a deep breath. This would be far from easy. “I’m going to Beirut. I’m planning to take a flight to Damascus and then get to Beirut by taxi. I know that sounds crazy, but my brother is trapped there and so are my cousins and aunts and uncles. They are helpless right now and I need to be there for them.”

Elizabeth paled. “You want to go into a war zone?”

“I don’t want to, but I have to.”

“And you expect me to sit here and wait without knowing whether or not you’ll ever make it out alive! I went through that last summer. I’m not letting you do that to me again!”

Her fierce reaction provoked a furious reply. “You expect me to stay here at a time like this? What the hell am I going to do here? Sit around and watch my city get bombed into oblivion on CNN?” he yelled.

She backed away from him, her eyes displaying both fear and irritation. “All right, fine. If this is what you want to do, then I’m coming with you” she said in a low yet even voice.

His eyes flashed; his anger and torment growing as their argument heated up. “Oh, no, you’re not! You’re staying right here, where you are safe.”

“I’m not letting my fiancé run off and risk his life while I stay home and cry my eyes out! If you go, then I’m following you. You can’t stop me after you’re gone.”

“You’re bluffing.”

“I’m not bluffing.”

He glared at her, “This doesn’t concern you.”

“Everything that concerns you also concerns me. If you want to risk your own life for your brother’s sake, then you have to risk my life too. I won’t let you leave me!”

“Elizabeth, you can’t do this to me. You have to understand. I need to be there. I can’t stand by and do nothing when my family is suffering. Please, promise me you will stay here and wait until I get back.”

“The only promise I will make is that I won’t stay here if you leave. I’m not changing my mind unless you change yours.”

Khalil felt his heart tearing apart. He was at a loss. He could not abandon his family at such a horrific time, but he could not leave Los Angeles while knowing the woman he adored might run after him and throw herself into danger.

He approached her and dragged her into his arms. Holding her face with his hands, he stared into her eyes and said, “Promise me, you will stay here.”

She shook her head and freed herself from his grasp. She sent him a defiant gaze then turned around and left the room.

Surprised and shaken with fear, Khalil followed after her. “Where are you going?” he asked in a strained voice.

“I have to buy a plane ticket to Syria and start packing” she answered without hesitation while walking towards the door of his apartment.

The sight of her opening the door and taking a step outside sent him into panic mode. He couldn’t let her leave him. He needed her. He had always needed her, but now he understood just how crucial her presence was in his life. He had to make a choice. He had to set priorities. Two years ago, Ahmed would have come first. He would have left for Beirut without batting an eyelash. He realized he couldn’t do that now. Elizabeth came before everyone, even his siblings.

Khalil strode towards her, grabbed her by the shoulders, and spun her around to face him.

“Wait! Don’t leave! I’ll do whatever you want. Please, just don’t leave” he begged.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and gazed into his eyes. “Promise me you won’t go to Beirut.”

“I won’t, I promise.”

She smiled and leaned her head against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and forced himself to reconcile with his new reality. He had to be with Elizabeth. He had to stand aside while the lives of his relatives were in peril. His only consolation was the unbelievable devotion his fiancé had just displayed. He had loved her for a very long time, but this changed everything. He was not merely in love with her anymore. He was in complete awe of her.

He drew back, held her chin and gazed into her lovely dark eyes. “Would you really have followed me if I went to Beirut?”

She nodded. He knew from the utter conviction displayed in her countenance that she was telling the truth. He was flabbergasted.

“Why?”

“Because I love you” she whispered.

He sighed and pulled her closer, resting his chin on top of her head as she leaned into him.

“You love me enough to die for me?” he said after a long pause.

She started and looked up at him with a frown.

“That’s a morbid way of putting it, but yes I do.”

Khalil took a moment to let that sink in before responding, “I would die for you too.”

He kissed her with all the fervor necessary to prove his sincerity. Left breathless and exhausted from their shared passion, they held each other close and said nothing for a long while.

“What do we do now?” Khalil asked, finding a tiny crack through the impenetrable silence.

“Pray for your family. Hope for the best and try not to think of the worst. No matter what happens, David, I’m here for you.”

He couldn’t help but follow up with another silly question. He knew the answer all ready, but he needed to hear her say it.

“You still want to marry me, right?”

She glared at him, “Of course I do! We’ll get married as soon as this war is over, okay?”

He frowned, “Okay, but it could take another fifteen years, or maybe even more.”

Her eyes widened, “David, I said try not to think of the worst!”

Khalil only shrugged. He didn’t have the heart to crush her optimism. He only wished he could have felt it himself.

*Though I remember the events clearly, I used the BBC news website to double-check the exact timeline of events.

Continued In Next Section