Posted on Monday, 2 October 2000
Glossary: Fencing has three swords:
epee - this is a dueling sword. In the old days, the were used for duels to first blood, so the target area is anywhere on the body. Based on this, Epeeists are usually slow to attack, and for no known reason, they bounce.
foil - this is another dueling sword. In the old days, they were used for duels to the death, so the target area is head, torso, and groin. Based on this, foilists are very...typical.
sabre - this is a cavalry sword. In the old days, they knocked each other off horses with these things, so target area is waist-up. Based on this, sabrists are abnormally aggressive, and therefore very cool. (The authoress's predilection is very evident here...but alas, it is pride!)
You choose one, specialize in it, and get good in it, and fence only that sword, basically.
And for the fun of it, I shall not discuss fencing moves. It'll be funnier to say they chased each other down and poked each other to death. (oh, dear dear Jane Austen...)
Now, the Fencing Room remains slightly dark, and mostly unoccupied, save for the lone (elegant) figure in the center of the room, who is an epeeist.
The epeeist stretched out her calves with great care...while reading her romance novel, of course. Stretching her muscles out once more, she let her (of course) long red hair flow over her shoulders, making (of course) a very pretty image of herself.
Of course, epeeists are all pretty tall, and they jump around a lot...and are mighty boring to watch. But epeeists are often somewhat full of themselves, as they are of course so...tall. Marianne Dashpoke was not an exception. Being the romantic heroine of her own real life tragic love story, she was going to be for certain sure she was "all that"...and therefore ignored that she was fencing the most boring sword in existence.
A soph, Marianne was, alas, in love with the very much taken captain of them men's epee team, John Willoughby. John was of course very handsome, a senior majoring in...basket weaving. He was an idle youth (bah, epeeists!) and spent much of his time weaving his baskets and hiding from his girlfriend, a graduate of the prestigious university they all attended save for the mysterious unknown young man who shall still remain unrevealed.
Of course, Mari (as she sometimes went by, when so inclined, but not often as it destroyed a lot of the romanticism of her name) was not without her "suitors". There was the much handsomer (in most people's opinion) foilist assistant coach, Christopher Brandon. Now, the reader wonders; how old is he? Was it so bad that she would discriminate? After all, an assistant coach? And how cool can a foilist be? After all, he's not a sabre.
Chris Brandon was only 23, having graduated from the PUTEASOWSNBM (prestigious university that everyone attended save one who shall not be mentioned) just a year ago, when Mari was only a frosh. Now, normally we know that seniors don't usually pay attention to little frosh, but Brandon was enthralled by the potential Mari had to be a great foilist. Now if he could only save her from the clutches of Willoughby, who used her preference for him (W) to convince her to stay with the stupider sword...
Chris was much handsomer and much more devoted to seeing Mari a great fencer, but Mari was first taken in by inertia (why would she want to learn another sword) and she was just obviously too tall to be a typical foilist. And so when given her choices, she knew it was much easier to crush on Willoughby, as crossing the boundaries of swords was just too much for any couple in the fencing team.
Never mind that Willoughby had a girlfriend. Sophie Grey graduated in Chris Brandon's year and was the ultimate trophy girlfriend; she played volleyball. And nothing else about her was really remarkable, other than the fact that she had mad tae kwon do skills, and could have killed them all, but she chose not to, because John kept her happy.
So of course, Mari couldn't really go against Sophie's wishes; there were lives at stake here (probably not, but she told herself this, because admitting to herself (Mari) that John just wasn't interested was very much not on her list of pathetic confessions.)
Now Mari was certainly not the most interesting Dashpoke sister, but she was the one currently present, so I have mulled over her in every odd angle. Let the next character enter the room.
The next entrant was five minutes early for practice; he was the foil captain, a youth who was not really good at foil either; it's just that the other guys were much worse. (They missed having Chris on the team.) But he was nice idiot, and gosh darn it, people liked him. So he was captain. He, of course, is Edward Ferrars, a dear dear youth with pretty dark locks and pretty gold eyes (rare, exquisite and unreal...with is true to how he saw life). Edward is a senior, majoring in chemistry (as a lot of fencers major in chemistry, as it obviously the coolest science.)
He was followed by the love of his life and his girlfriend. (No, not the same person. Two different people. To make it worse, he doesn't really know that the love of his life is the love of his life. He just likes her as a person.)
The love of his life was 5'2", with wild red hair that she tamed into crowned of braids, and forest green eyes...sometimes almost blue. She had a slim form, and was very light on her feet, hence why she always looked like she simply belonged among the treetops, a sweet dryad.
Of course, she was anything but. Inside, my, she was bitter. But of course, she never showed it. Unlike her sister Mari, this young woman was not given to romantic tendencies. Or if she was, she kept it very well hidden, which worked to her benefit, for if any of the persistent young men in her life knew that she was a romantic at heart, she'd never be let off. As it was, everyone was absolutely convinced that firstly, she was too studious to be social, and secondly, the traditional sabre aggressiveness made her a very undesirable conversation partner, as she pierced you with withering glares if you spoke like a nitwit (she didn't really do it on purpose...it was the way she looked when she wanted to concentrate...a trait that helped her fence well against the weak girls she'd crush on a daily basis)
A sabre, the authoress said? Can that be true? YES! Elinor Dashpoke was also infamously known as "Elinor Dash-and-slash". The fiery junior had a passion on the strip that surpassed any others. And to boot, she was also an architecture major, making her the coolest person in the story.
What no one knew, even Elinor, was that she was in love with Edward. Ed, as she affectionately called him, was a sweetheart, and a very wonderful person indeed, but he was also a foilist, who were of course not bad people but...they were foilists. Plus, he went out with Lucy Steele...and that was certainly more than enough to make her rethink just how intelligent he was.
Edward had been in love with sabre women all his life. His mother was a sabre. His first grade crush, Gertude Berenson, was eventually a sabre. His prom date, Judith Walsh, was also a sabre. No one knew why he liked sabre women; you'd think he liked being in charge of the relationship. Others said that for that very reason he liked being in relationships with aggressive women; he didn't have to do anything.
Lucy, Edward's girlfriend, was, of course, another sabre. A bad one, but she was a senior, and they decided she could be the women's sabre captain out of tradition, even if everyone thought that Elinor deserved the title so much more.
Lucy was by far the bossiest thing that ever hit the strip. She had a lot of gumption, but a four year old had more skill and probably better form than she did. However, she fancied herself excellent, so she continued to persist that she was the paragon of what a woman sabre should be.
Of course, she'd never fenced Elinor. She'd been very smart to avoid the practice skirmishes she'd have with Elinor; she had considerable problems with her joints, and had to watch how much she exerted herself. While Elinor was ranked a better fencer by the NCAA, she claimed that of course that was because she and Elinor had never fenced, and had her health permitted she would have been able to reclaim that coveted spot in the listings. (I don't think it was mentioned that her coach was Lady Catherine de Bourgh.)
Elinor now was looking very much like the head of a kitchen staff of any 5 star restaurant in her fencing whites. Of course, Edward tried to compliment her and failed miserably. Alas, to be a dolt.
"You're looking very...white...today, Elinor."
Elinor laughed, a sultry entangling siren's laugh. "You're too adorable, Ed."
She stretched out, after greeting her sister with a soft tousle to the head. "Mari, you can't fence with your hair in your eyes. Come on, be smart and tie it back."
Mari scowled, as John was not around to admire the curls yet, before they had to be tamed and tugged into submission.
Chris now entered with a soft chuckle, having heard Elinor's comment. "Still picking on you, Marianne?"
He always used her full name. It pleased her and worried her at the same time. Was he still crazy about her? He must certainly know that her heart belonged to John. But the way he said her name was so soft and pleasing to her ear. She caught the sigh and tied her hair back, moving on the stretch her quads.
They were halfway into the fencing season. Of course, Elinor had the best record. The only remarkable one at the PUTEASOWSNBM fencing team. That was all right though; at least they were all having loads of fun.
A last guest entered the fencing room today. Edward turned to the entrant. "Why, hello Rob! I didn't think you'd make it today."
Robert Ferrars smiled congenially. Of course, he was our mysterious unknown from the outside world. The Jim of this Glass Menagerie. He was a year younger than his brother. Exactly a year. How his family contrived it, we shall never know. Robert attended a far more prestigious university; he had drive, ambition, beauty, intelligence, and a fencing record that put everyone's to shame. Robert was...wonderful, perfect.
Lucy was in love.
Of course, Robert was not enthralled with the semi-decent-looking brunette. He liked the short redhead even more. And so, he chose her to play his advances on. "My, you're short."
Ok, so Robert was smart, but he wasn't exactly the most eloquent guy when it came to women; there was a reason why he was still single. Had he every single detail to make him the perfect man, he'd first of all, not exist, and second of all, certainly not be single (taken by a singular young woman by the name of Crysty).
Elinor smiled courteously. "My you're tall." She replied.
"Name's Robert Ferrars," he took her hand, and kissed it.
She rubbed the kiss off. "Do you fence?" she asked, tersely.
"Yes, sabre."
Elinor expressed some surprise. Pretty boys didn't fence sabre. They did epee where they could stand far away and intimidate each other...up close confrontation might have ruined that perfect face of his. "Oh really?" she asked.
"You sound surprised."
"I confess I am. I did not expect you to be a sabre. You are too..."
"Beautiful?" Lucy interjected with her "over here! Over here!" tone of voice.
"I'm flattered." He turned to her, smiling a not as friendly smile.
"I'm Lucy. Nice to meet you, flattered," she giggled. "tee-hee. Teee-hee."
Marianne, a true romantic, immediately seized on the opportunity; while Edward and Elinor were unaware of feelings between them, everyone, and especially Marianne, was certain of the attachment that was underlying every action between them. "Edward, how can you go out with this nitwit? Obviously she doesn't really care for you."
"Hush, you!" Lucy hissed, in that Lucy way of hers.
"Fanny, what are you doing here?" were the only words out of Edward's mouth.
And so, we now conclude: the Ferrars family is an era of beauty and decorum. What went wrong with Edward?
(Nothing, really, but he hasn't done anything to earn the Ferrars name yet.)
Fanny smiled angelically and approached the epeeist. "You should fence foil."
Mari looked into Fanny's eyes, mesmerized by their color and bowed down. "I don't know what came over me...I should have known I had to fence foil."
"Brandon will teach you."
And this was now Mari was saved form the clutches of the evil epees, and how Brandon got his foot in.
Rob now professed his desire to see her fence.
He would fence her himself.
"Not the face! Not the face!" Lucy stepped between the two, who were standing much too close for her comfort.
Edward watched with amusement.
"I shall fence you on his behalf. That way he can watch your fencing technique from a distance." As well as mine...
Rob looked to his brother, who was apparently very much amused. "All right," he assented.
The two ladies prepared, and got into enguarde. Edward was to direct (moderate). "Fence!" he said, tersely.
Each of the ladies had her own qualities; Elinor's vastly outnumbered Lucy's. Lucy was run over by Elinor faster than the coyote was run over by the roadrunner. Elinor was an aggressive, frightening machine.
In little time, everyone watched as Lucy was humiliated. Ashamed, Lucy decided to throw her last resort move out on the strip just as Elinor was about to get her 15th point to win: "Ouch! My ankle!" she fell to the strip.
Of course, that was pathetic. "Good show, Elinor!" Fanny smiled.
And Lucy was promptly ignored as everyone celebrated in Elinor's success.
"No you're not. Give up, Lucy," Mari said.
Lucy stood up and pouted.
Edward rolled his eyes.
"You rolled your eyes!" she remarked.
"Do you blame me?"
Lucy's mouth formed the most elegant O on the face of this planet (we might as well give her some good quality; none of Crysty's characters are every really losers).
Edward looked at his girlfriend of four hours. "Why do you have to be so annoying?"
"Edward!" she shrieked. "You're my boyfriend!"
"Oh do be quiet, you're getting on my nerves, and I'm trying to make moony eyes at Elinor," Robert said.
"Don't make moony eyes at her. She's taken!" Mari cried.
"She is?" Edward's face paled. "You can't be taken, Elinor. You're Elinor...this perfect goddess that no one deserves. I know only one other woman with that status, and that is my sister," he smiled to his sister.
Elinor was just very much confused. "I'm taken, I'm perfect? Egads. What's happened? Did Lucy knock me out and am I in a dream?"
"No, Elinor. You're awake. And there is an issue to be discussed. Robert likes you. Do you like him?" Chris asked, gravely (Chris is very good at moderating these sorts of things.)
"Are we in fifth grade?" Marianne rolled her eyes.
Chris glared at her.
Mari was caught breathless. My he looked so beautiful and macho when he glared. How did she even think that becoming a foilist was so bad? How could she even think that Willoughby was so much more handsome? Bah, Willoughby's lukewarm smiles were nothing compared to Chris's intensely moving smiles and frowns.
Perhaps...perhaps...
Elinor shifted uncomfortably.
"I can make you happy," Robert said.
"I'm sure you can. But I don't need to be happy. I just want...to be cherished," Elinor said...at the same time meeting eyes with the man who'd worshipped her from the day he'd met her...so quietly so subtly.
Robert, somewhat depressed, looked to Mari. "You wouldn't happen to be taken, would you?" (Guess he has Laurie complex...hehe)
Mari shook her head sadly. "Sorry, my heart's spoken for."
Robert, disgruntled, looked to his sister. "Fanny, I am saddened."
"Don't worry; we'll find someone for you yet."
They exited.
Chris turned to Mari. "Robert's a wonderful person...he's much better than..."
"I know someone better than Robert..." she slipped her arms around his shoulders, and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him sweetly.
Chris was surprised, but that was all right.
As for Edward and Elinor, they slowly, inch by inch, walked toward each other, and met hands. He played with her small fingers and brought her palm to his lips, and kissed the center ever so gently. "It worked..." he said, almost surprised at himself.
"What worked?"
(that's short epilogues...not short epees...epees are tall)
Needless to say, Edward and Elinor got together by designs of his wonderfully engineering mind, which involved an elaborate sequence of events that led to his Elinor realizing that she loved him.
Robert was, of course, not acting when he said he admired Elinor. He liked Elinor a lot. He came in time to fall in love with the last Dashpoke sister, Margie the foilist, though they normally were not his type.
Fanny never married. And that was a pity, but where would you find a man to match such perfection?
And the fencing team...well they were relieved that they did not have practice that day; there was a big exam in quantum chem the next day that they wanted to use the extra two hours studying for. They all did fairly well, but would have done just as well without the studying...after all, they were fencers, and fencers, as evidenced by Edward, are great chemists.