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Chapter 23
Darcy was thankfully unaware of the meagre 34.5 and 35 points he was worth in women's eyes. The knowledge might not have pleased him, for he rightly believed that he was handsome, intelligent, honest and just, qualities that he thought would be worth far more than a glib tongue. However, women were silly creatures and they did not see what was right in front of them. No, they had to dream and fantasise about things that did not exist and that they could consequently never have.
It was rather difficult to get into contact with Elizabeth, because she was always with other students and he could not single her out without raising suspicions. And what should he say anyway? He wanted to say something, but he did not know what. "Hello, how are you doing?" What would she think of that?
After weeks of attempting to run into her, he literally bumped into her when he least expected it, after he had washed his hands. There was complete shock on his side. "Hi," he nearly stammered, pulling himself together at the last moment.
"Hi," Elizabeth said guardedly.
He must really be looking stupid if she spoke so guardedly. "Sorry."
"For bumping into me?"
Darcy felt a little tongue-tied. "Yes."
"Oh, that's alright." She noticed that he was looking at her as if he did not know what to say. He was reputed to be extremely clever, but even the most clever could be struck dumb apparently. Elizabeth was intrigued by this speechless Darcy. Did he never bump into anyone? It was hardly something to make you speechless.
Little did she know that quite a lot could make Darcy speechless. He racked his brains for something to say now that he was finally face to face with her. "How's the studying coming along?" That was a really brilliant question, since her results were up on the wall for everyone to see and it would be easier to check those.
"Good. Only two more days until the Christmas holidays," Elizabeth answered, a little puzzled by his question. Why did he ask her that just when there was nothing more to study?
"Are you going home to your parents?"
"What do you think? There would be a huge row if I didn't go."
"Oh. Have a good time," he said, realising he could not keep talking to her forever if he had nothing to say and that it was perhaps better to end the conversation before she would notice that he was stalling.
He had, of course, looked up where her parents lived, but despite his cleverness he could not come up with any excuses for going to that town. His sister Georgiana, though young, was sharp as a needle if she chose to be. She had an inquisitive mind and he would not be able to fool her. Besides, the Bingleys also had to be considered, since that was where they would be spending some of the holidays.
But that did not mean he did not try to come up with anything, even if it sometimes seemed useless. Would he run into her there? No, of course not, but he would have a greater chance of it there.
Inspiration struck the day before Christmas when he came across a problem in an exam he was correcting that he really needed to discuss with Jane. She would also be with her parents, like Elizabeth, and Darcy congratulated himself on this bright idea, until he realised that it would be more usual to phone than to visit because of something that was unclear in an exam.
What a disappointment.
Darcy contemplated going undercover as a phone mechanic to cut some wires, but he then dismissed this idea as ridiculous. He was not a stalker. He just would not mind seeing this girl again. Could he not just say that he preferred to discuss this problem with Jane in person and hope to catch a few glimpses of her sister while he was at it?
He decided not to care about what Georgiana or the Bennets might think. It would be impolite to question why he had not called, anyway. Maybe he could take Bingley and cover up his reasons for going. It would be easy. Louisa and Hurst would not notice because they were cooking, Caroline would not notice because she was reading and Georgiana would be playing one of her instruments. "Charles, I need to ask Jane something about an exam. I'm thinking of going over tomorrow. You know where they live. Could you come with me to show me the way?" He made his voice sound really decisive in order to convince Charles of the necessity.
"No. She's not going to want to see me," Bingley said sadly, although he desperately wanted to see Jane.
"She doesn't want to live with you. That's not the same as not wanting to see you." Darcy had never bothered to say this before, because it had been quite logical to him and because he was convinced that Bingley realised this himself as well. However, Bingley had not and it might have spared him a few heartaches if Darcy had told him this sooner, but Darcy had never needed Bingley to accompany him to Jane's house before.
"Do you think so?" Bingley was always quick and eager to see the positive sides to any issue.
Darcy looked at him quizzically. "Yes." What did Bingley mean by asking? Was that why he and Jane had broken up? Then it was a good thing to take him, because he had gathered from his talks with Jane that she had absolutely no objection to seeing Charles again. He sighed. "Just come along. She's not going to kick you out."
Bingley was easily persuaded and he agreed to come.
Richard Fitzwilliam arrived when only Darcy was already awake. He looked surprised to see only one person there. "Where's the rest?" He had not come for Darcy and certainly not for Darcy in his pyjamas.
"Still in bed." Darcy was only up because he was nervous about maybe seeing Elizabeth today and because he had suddenly realised that she might be out when he called on Jane. He had needed some coffee to calm his nerves.
"And our Prof's behind the computer?" She had to be up. The woman was a machine. He did not think she ever slept at all.
"I don't know. I don't think she's got one in her bedroom."
Fitzwilliam grinned evilly. The combined thoughts of Caroline and a bedroom were a little too much for him. "I've never seen the Prof before she was dressed. Where's her room?"
"What are you planning?" Darcy asked suspiciously. Caroline was not going to like this. If he read women correctly, he would say she hated Fitzwilliam.
"Where's her room?" Fitzwilliam repeated.
"I'm not going to tell." Darcy wanted nothing to do with this, being just a tiny bit afraid of Professor Bingley.
"Prig. I'll find it. Breakfast in bed in half an hour, alright?" Fitzwilliam kicked off his shoes and went up the stairs.
Darcy waited for the inevitable scream, but it did not come. Only a loud thud and then another one, but he did not want to go and investigate. He wanted nothing to do with this.
Chapter 24
Richard Fitzwilliam had discovered Professor Bingley's room and seen her in bed. He had not thought for very long. In a split second he had made up his mind and dove onto the bed. Unfortunately it was not a very strong bed and it collapsed. "Caroline! Merry Christmas," Fitzwilliam said very calmly as if they had not just ruined a bed. "Poor girl. Where are you going to sleep tonight now that your bed is broken? You'd better come home with me."
Caroline decided she would not give him the satisfaction of screaming or doing anything else that would make him gloat or laugh. She yawned to win time, observing her situation. Her feet were higher than her head, thanks to that blasted Richard. She really hated men and their natural advantages. Never would she be able to land Richard in such a situation if she dove onto his bed.
"Darcy said you want a child, so how about it?" Fitzwilliam knew he was pushing his luck, but Caroline usually appreciated outspokenness.
"I meant a baby, not a grown-up child." And anyway, she only wanted one because she feared it was almost too late, which was not a very well-motivated reason, she knew. What did he actually mean? That he would get her one? That was frightening.
Fitzwilliam stared at her in adoration. "You're so witty."
Caroline raised her eyebrows. "Have you had breakfast yet? You seem a bit light-headed. Perhaps things will improve with a little bit of food in your stomach."
"I want you."
"I know that," she replied calmly. "I may not be very interested in men, but that's something even I can see. But I don't understand your reasons yet. I don't trust you."
"Don't treat me like some interesting phenomenon," Fitzwilliam pleaded. "You don't have to write any brilliant analysis of me -- I can do that myself and I can write one about you too."
"Can you?"
"Yes, I can. Give me a pen and paper and I'll write something that will amaze you," he declared. "I know you're bloody weird and that I have to be a bit weird too in order to get your attention. It won't suffice to buy you flowers, kiss your hand, be gallant or undress for you. I don't really think you're hard to get, but you have a complicated user manual. And a belated maturity."
"That's the pot calling the kettle black."
"I know. You're not a superwoman. You can't develop all your qualities at the same time and romance has never been one of your priorities. Well, I shan't reveal too much. I'm going to write this down." Fitzwilliam sat on the floor and started scribbling.
Darcy paced around the living room with his cup of coffee, refilled numerous times. He was nervous. What was he going to say if he saw Elizabeth? Would she think it strange that he came to their house on Christmas day? Would she be there at all? He hoped so. And when would Charles get up? When could they leave?
"Whooooaaaaaa," Caroline sighed and looked at the piece of paper. "You're a genius, Richard. This is the most brilliantly written character analysis I've ever read."
Richard looked pleased. "Brilliantly written or brilliantly analysed?"
"Oh! Both, I think. Why do you pretend to be flighty?" she asked with a mixture of incomprehension and hurt in her voice. "When you can write like this?" He had been misleading her all that time.
"It's very hard to achieve that sort of brilliance when I'm writing about a fictional character," he answered. "You could say I'm less motivated in such a case." And he was enormously motivated now. "And," he said wickedly, knowing this argument would appeal to her. "Fictional characters are not as complex as real ones, which therefore doesn't make them challenging enough for me to use my full brain power on them. You, however..."
Caroline swooned. That was the sexiest thing anybody had ever said to her.
Bingley arrived downstairs after the second Cary Grant film had ended. Darcy was sick of both Cary Grant and Bingley by now and he looked rather annoyed. "Well! It's about time."
"You didn't have to wait for me. You could have started eating," said Bingley, who had only come downstairs because he was hungry. That was what Christmas was all about. "Loulou is in the shower. Where's Caro?"
"Being seduced, no doubt," Darcy said grumpily. He always became rather grumpy on Sunday or Christmas mornings when there was nothing to do. Why could Caroline not have a dog he could walk?
"Jealous?"
"No."
"Good." Bingley sat down at the breakfast table and cut off a slice of the Christmas bread. He buttered it and took a bite. Then he could finally digest Darcy's statement about Caroline. "By whom?"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Who's seducing Caroline?" Bingley was slightly interested in that, since it concerned his sister.
Darcy sat down as well. "Richard."
"When did he arrive?" Bingley was surprised. "I didn't see him last night. Was I distracted again? Geez. Sorry. I guess I was thinking about Jane and I completely missed him." He felt rather guilty about that. Fitzwilliam was a decent fellow who did not deserve to be missed. He liked Fitzwilliam.
"No, he arrived at seven this morning."
"What? Is he insane?" Bingley cried out. "Seven?"
"Who arrived at seven?" Georgiana appeared too and she had overheard Darcy's last words. Nobody could have arrived at seven. It was just ridiculous to go anywhere at seven on Christmas morning.
"Richard."
"Richard?" she cried joyfully. "Goody! That'll be fun." He would liven things up a little. Everyone seemed to be preoccupied here except Louisa and Hurst, but she would become bored with them eventually.
"Fun? I don't know if he's going to be fun to you," Darcy said doubtfully. "He's been with Caroline for almost four hours now."
"Who'd want to be with Caroline for four hours?" Bingley asked himself, cutting off another slice. "She'd make your mind spin. I can't believe anyone would be up to an intellectual discussion on Christmas morning. She probably tied him to the bed so he wouldn't walk away."
Georgiana snorted. She was only sixteen and this conversation was highly interesting to her.
"Actually," said Darcy slowly. "Richard went upstairs himself, so I don't think you need to worry about him, tied to the bed or not. He asked me to get them breakfast in bed, but I didn't go."
"Oh, Fitzwilliam!" Georgiana mocked with a wide grin.
Darcy looked confused. "Who are you mocking now? Me or him?"
"Both! I'll get them some breakfast. I'm curious." Georgiana was dying to know what went on there.
"Georgiana! Don't you dare!" Darcy cried, afraid of what his younger sister might intrude upon in Caroline's bedroom. She was too young for that.
"It sounds like you don't trust them much," said Bingley. He handed Georgiana two slices of bread on a plate. "Here you go, girl. They might be needing some sustenance."
"Charles!" Darcy exclaimed.
Georgiana skipped away with the plate, smirking. She did not think it would be so very bad what she would find. It would not be Caroline's style. She had known about Caroline and her brother, but that had never seemed to go very deep, although she had never dared to question either one about it. This would be the same sort of thing. Caroline would be discussing something with Richard, probably. It was always work, work, work.
Chapter 25
"Look, Charles," said Darcy. "Georgiana is only sixteen. You shouldn't encourage her to walk in on stuff she's too young for." He was worried about what Georgiana might see, but if he acted too paranoid about it, she would start thinking strange things and he did not want that either. What was he going to do?
Charles was the youngest of his family and consequently he had never been bothered by such considerations. "Sixteen is too young for that? Surely nowadays -- and anyway, could you really imagine Caroline doing anything wild?" he snickered.
Darcy could not and he let himself be convinced that Caroline would keep Richard in line. She would be the stronger of the two.
Georgiana took the plate upstairs and hesitated in front of Caroline's bedroom, listening intently. There were no sounds coming out of it. Perhaps it was safe to go in. Just when she touched the handle with the intention to open the door, she heard laughter from within the bathroom and she hesitated. The bathroom? It was not Louisa and Hurst, because she could see them standing in their room brushing their hair. So who was in the bathroom? It had to be Caroline and Richard. Georgiana was shocked and she was certain that she did not want to intrude on that. She returned downstairs with the plate.
"They weren't hungry?" This seemed incredible to Bingley.
"I don't know," Georgiana answered. She set the plate back down again. "I didn't ask."
Darcy looked relieved. It sounded as though she did not get to see anything.
Louisa and Hurst came downstairs right afterwards. Louisa looked critically at her brother's clothes. "You know, Charles. I suppose you think you look smashing, but I'm going to have to ground you. And Darcy, I wish I were your sister. Can I ground you as well? Why aren't you two wearing those ties I bought for you?"
Hurst looked sheepish, having been bullied into wearing the special green Christmas tie with holly and little red berries on it, because if he had known that Bingley and Darcy were going to be insubordinate, he would have resisted as well.
Louisa made Bingley and Darcy go back upstairs to change their ties. They could not help pausing outside Caroline's door. "Hmm," said Darcy, glancing at Bingley. "Shall we...?" He wanted to take a peek.
Bingley shook his head. "It'll be disappointing. Every time I think my sister is human, I'm confronted with the fact that she's not. I don't want to see her not doing anything with Richard, thank you very much. I guess it's too much to hope for that she would be kissing him passionately, or worse, but at least allow me to hope that she's got a few humanlike qualities in her. Don't dash my hopes."
Darcy partly agreed. He had been kissed by Caroline, naturally, but he was not prepared to divulge to Bingley whether this had been satisfactory or not, since there were always two people involved in a kiss and it might just as well have been his problem if they had not been up to par. "Passion might be highly overrated," he murmured.
"I'm all for passionate kisses," Bingley replied. "It's just too bad that I'm not getting any kisses at all at the moment, so I'll be satisfied with whatever comes my way next, passionate or not. I'm always optimistic."
"I think nothing will come your way any time soon," Darcy answered pessimistically. "Not with such a tie as Louisa wants us to wear."
"Darcy! Louisa picked it. She's a woman. She's got to know what other women appreciate. She wouldn't pick something women don't like."
Darcy was not so certain. "It's horrible."
"I have no taste," Bingley confessed. "According to my sisters. I rely on theirs. And what do you mean, nothing will come my way? Things always come my way, whether I'm badly dressed or not." He spoke with conviction. "It's not the clothes that make the man. It's the personality. I'm not going to be worried about wearing some stupid tie that I can't even see myself unless I look in the mirror. And I barely ever do that!"
Darcy did that a little more often. He grimaced. "Exactly! And with every look in the mirror you're reminded of the fact that you look like an idiot."
"You're decorative, but dull," was Bingley's hard opinion. "If you care about such things. You're not a girl, man!" He glanced at the closed door. "No, I'm not going to look in. Let Caro sort out her own love life. I'll whisper some advice into Richard's ear later on."
"What sort of advice?" Darcy asked curiously. He had never been advised by Bingley before breaking up with Caroline. What did Bingley mean by suddenly advising other men? He was in the biggest mess himself.
"Don't know yet," Bingley grinned and slapped Darcy's back. "Put on the tie and lighten up. We'll be going to see some pretty women later on, won't we? We'll be sure to catch their attention with those ties! And we can always complain about my sister forcing us and so on." He knew that Jane was always willing to assist him in choosing clothes and if she saw that he was being assisted by someone with a bad taste, she might reconsider about living with him. He was hopeful.
"I'm not sure that will make a good impression on them," Darcy said hesitantly. "They might think we're weenies."
"We pretend to be weenies," Bingley said calmly. "It's not the same at all." He went into his room to put on the tie. "It's not that bad."
Darcy had not yet done the same, because he was still in his pyjamas and he had to shower first. "That's really a great comfort. You just said you have no taste. Did she buy one for Richard? Why am I forced to wear one when he is courting Louisa's sister? It's me who's the odd one out, not him. I have no special relationship with anyone in your family."
"That really offends me, Darcy," said Bingley mockingly.
"Alright, except you," Darcy admitted.
"Well, then! That's why you have to wear a tie."
They were not very much alike, but sometimes Bingley shared his sister's ability to outwit Darcy, much to the latter's annoyance. He was glad that it did not happen very often and he wanted to open the bathroom door, holding the pile of clothes and his towel. To his great surprise it was locked. He did not understand. Everyone except Caroline and Richard was downstairs and Caroline and Richard were in Caroline's bedroom. So who was in the bathroom? "Bingley...we've got a burglar."
Bingley had one foot going down the stairs and he halted. "Where?"
"In the bathroom."
"A burglar?"
"Yes. It's locked."
Bingley returned to ascertain that it was truly locked. "You're right. It's locked. I only have two sisters, don't I?"
"Yes." Darcy failed to see why he asked.
"So the third couldn't be in there. And you think it's a burglar. What would a burglar be doing in the bathroom? Wake up, Darcy."
"It's Caroline," Darcy guessed. "She's not in her room then." He advanced two steps towards her room and hesitated.
"Go ahead, open it."
Darcy opened the door. "She's not in here." He stared at the bed. What had happened here? It must have been something pretty wild. "The bed's broken."
"Oh boy. And all this time we were thinking she didn't have it in her," Bingley came to stand beside Darcy to observe the damage to the bed. "No wonder she dumped you, Darce. You were too bland." He looked back at the bathroom door. "You'd better wash up at the kitchen sink. I shudder to think what they might do to the bathroom, looking at this mess. I wonder, though, why she tidied the bed after it was broken. The covers don't look disturbed at all." He banged on the bathroom door. "Caroline! Go easy on the furniture!"
A muffled sound came from within.
"What?" Bingley called, placing his ear against the door and losing his balance when the door was opened by Caroline in her bathrobe.
She looked at him icily. "What do you want?"
Bingley steadied himself. "Oh, you're dressed...who's in there with you? What did you do to Richard?"
"Not enough, according to him," Caroline replied in a low voice. "So I think I'll be another while. Do you mind? Or do you need the bathroom?"
"Darcy needs it."
"He can come in, unless he's put off by the fact that Richard's in the bath."
"You're not?" Bingley was puzzled.
"When I bought this house, having a big bath was not one of my priorities," Caroline began. "Being so convinced of the utter worthlessness of the opposite sex, it never crossed my mind that I might want to share my bath with one of them one day, so it's technically impossible to be in the bath with Richard. Or did you mean to ask whether I was put off by the fact that he's in the bath?" Caroline raised her eyebrows.
That option had not occurred to Bingley yet. "Yes, that too." As always he was daunted by Caroline's way of speaking.
"I'm not."
"I'm missing something, Caroline. Let's recap. He's in the bath, but you're not done with him yet." Bingley looked curious. "What are you doing?"
"The fact that he's in the bath is absolutely irrelevant to what I'm doing," Caroline said patiently. "Will you please go away now? I'm losing my inspiration." After Richard' brilliant analysis, she had to write one too, but she had to admit that she was not as brilliant as he, because it took her far longer.
Bingley only now noticed that she was holding a pen. "Augh. For a moment you had me thinking that you were normal, Caro! You finally lock yourself up with a naked man, but all you do is write!"
"Is it?" Caroline asked mysteriously and shut the door.
Chapter 26
Understandably, the Bennet household was already in a state of great distress before there were any men on the doorstep, simply because of the fact that they had five daughters who were close in age and who all had Mrs Bennet for a mother. The fact that at 12:17 a strange car came slowly cruising down the street did not do anything to make this distress any less.
Strange cars were rarely seen there since they knew what all the neighbours and their relatives drove and which of those were expected there for Christmas. This was somebody entirely unexpected! Two of them, even, as Lydia had the good fortune to be the first to discover. "Ohmygod, two hunks in a car!" she cried.
This called the other sisters to the window. "Nobody's got hunks in their family in this street," Kitty remarked. "I wonder where they're going."
"They're coming to see Jane," Mrs Bennet predicted. "Jane, are you dressed?"
"Why should they be coming to see Jane? I really don't see why," said Elizabeth, who was a little annoyed by the implication that only Jane could attract hunks. What was wrong with the rest of them?
"Jane is by far the prettiest girl in the neighbourhood. You don't think they're coming for the Parker girls, do you?" Mrs Bennet sounded offended. She had not even got to see whether the arrivals were truly hunks, but she had Lydia's word for it and they had the same taste so she believed her. "And Jane is the only one who knows any handsome men. You mark my words, Lizzy. They're coming for Jane."
"They're coming for you, Jane! Beware!" cried Mary, who was a bit juvenile at times and who liked to pretend that she interpreted things in a way they were not meant to be interpreted in.
"Oh, Mary! Shut up."
"I'm sure they're not," Jane protested, modest as ever. The whole prospect made her a little shy.
"Duh duh duh," Kitty cried for no other reason than to make herself heard. Lydia said something at the same time, but Kitty was shouting too loudly for anyone to hear what was being said by Lydia.
The doorbell was rung and as if nobody had seen the two men come up the garden path, the girls went into a collective panic only then. Jane and Elizabeth because they had recognised the men, Mary because she wanted to watch TV and saw this prospect thwarted, Kitty because they were hunks and Lydia because they were hunks and because she enjoyed getting excited over nothing. Nobody dared to answer the door and they were all pointing at each other, so the task fell to Mrs Bennet, who then had to show the two handsome men into a room full of nervous girls.
Darcy surprised them all -- except Mrs Bennet -- by saying he had come to ask Jane a question. Elizabeth cringed at her mother's knowing, triumphant winks. She was sure Darcy was not the least bit interested in Jane. He would not have brought Bingley in that case. Bingley looked as if he had been struck dumb with admiration.
Had Darcy only come to ask Jane about a problem that took them about two minutes to solve? Secretly Elizabeth hoped he had come for her, but he had barely acknowledged her so far, as if he was daunted or annoyed by the fact that he had to conduct his business with Jane in the presence of her four sisters and her parents. He had not looked at Elizabeth at all after greeting her. Oddly enough this stung her, because she could not keep her eyes off him.
It was a shocking way to realise that he was the most gorgeous guy she knew. He had asked her out to dinner -- in a strange way, but that aside -- and she had said no! That had maybe been the stupidest thing she had ever said. Despite his rather silly tie -- no, because of his silly tie. He must have a sense of humour if he had agreed to wear it and that had almost been the only thing that was lacking in him before.
But she wondered what he had come for, since after he had finished with Jane, he left the talking to Bingley, who practically drooled over Jane. Why did he stay and why had he brought Bingley? He could have known that he would not get Bingley away from here just like that.
Jane enjoyed the visit, that much was obvious. Elizabeth saw that her eyes shone. Darcy did not interrupt her conversation with Bingley, nor did he do the polite thing and talked to Elizabeth or anybody else. He just sat there.
"Shall we walk the dog?" Jane asked at some point. She was eager to take Charles out of the house so they would not be overheard.
"Jane, you can't walk out on your guests," Mrs Bennet protested. She loved their ties and she had almost commented on them.
"I meant to take them," Jane said mildly. "If they want."
"Sure," said Bingley and Darcy nodded as well.
"I'm not coming," said Mary and Kitty and Lydia declined as well.
Elizabeth realised that it was her duty to entertain Darcy during the walk if nobody else wanted to. Jane would not want him to walk with her and Bingley, she assumed. What did Jane mean by also inviting Darcy then, anyway? Elizabeth was puzzled. "I'll come," she volunteered. Darcy was gorgeous, whatever else he might be. She was confused, but what the heck. A walk could not hurt her.
The path admitted only two people and she and Darcy walked ahead. She held onto the leash and Darcy had his hands in his pockets. After a few minutes she awkwardly turned her head towards him, only to find that he was looking at her with interest. She looked back straight ahead in shock and stumbled over a fallen branch.
"Whoa," Darcy said in amusement and gripped her arm. "Careful."
Elizabeth looked back in shock to see what Jane and Bingley had seen of this embarrassing episode, but they were not even in sight. She was even more shocked. Had they sneakily gone the other way without informing them? And what did Darcy mean by pulling her arm through his? She did not protest, because she was curious.
"I think they went the other way," he said, noticing her surprise.
"Why?"
"Because they're in love." So was he, but how could he be if he barely knew this girl? And he was certainly not ready to tell her so. She was not protesting against walking arm in arm with him, though, so that was good.
"Right. People in love should be left alone," Elizabeth agreed. "Do you think they will get back together again? Is that why you brought him? He shouldn't be expecting that she's going to move in with him right away. What does he think about that now?"
"What do you think about that?" That was more interesting to Darcy.
"Well..." Elizabeth grimaced. "If she moves in with him, I have nowhere to go. I can't afford the rent on my own. I'll have to move back home and you've seen what kind of relatives I have." She laughed, but she was not looking forward to moving back home.
Darcy had indeed seen that and he refrained from commenting on them. He pondered her problem. "You could always lodge with me."
"Lodge with you?" Elizabeth stumbled again. Why did gorgeous men who made her such offers always have to be Darcy? It made it all a whole lot more complicated.
"I won't charge you too much." He had to say he would charge something, otherwise she would definitely say no -- bless her, the good girl. "Something reasonable. And I'm a quiet landlord." Darcy was really proud of his wonderful idea. Why had it never occurred to him before? It was just absolutely perfect.
"That's just...bizarre," Elizabeth blurted out. She did not know what she was going to reply. Should she accept? It was dangerously appealing, but what would everybody say?
Chapter 27
Elizabeth thought about what she remembered of Darcy's home. She had been inside it, but she had not seen much. However, that what she had seen, had been good. There was nothing wrong with his house, except that he lived there as well, which might make matters difficult. "Would you really rent a room to a student?" she asked.
Not to any student, obviously. Darcy was a fool, but not such a fool as that. There was only one student he would allow to rent a room in his house. "Yes."
"You can't have a student who studies in your department," Elizabeth protested doubtfully.
"And why not?"
"Because other people might think...that you're telling me about exams and stuff. Or that you'd write my papers for me."
Darcy snorted. "Good Lord. As if I'd write papers in my spare time."
"You wouldn't?" Elizabeth was relieved.
"Of course I wouldn't. Besides, you would not snoop in my things, would you?"
"No, I wouldn't."
"And how many courses do you take that I teach?"
"Not that many."
"Right. Don't you think that I could keep those few dangerous things in my office?" he asked.
"I'm sure you could and I really appreciate the offer," said Elizabeth. She did not say that she was also completely mystified. "But doesn't it depend on Jane? I don't know what she's going to do."
"She's not going to move in with Charles as long as you don't have a place to live," Darcy predicted. "That's why I'll tell her what I've proposed. Or does she have any principled objections to cohabiting with Charles?"
"She used to," Elizabeth said with a thoughtful look. "But time may have changed things."
"And you? Would your mother object to my being a bachelor?"
Elizabeth choked. Her mother had serious objections against bachelors, yes, but she supposed that Darcy meant to ask if he mother objected to Elizabeth living in the same house as one. "No, Dr Darcy, not as long as you behave with propriety," she said demurely.
Darcy looked somewhat baffled. "Oh! And it's Fitzwilliam, by the way."
"Dr Fitzwilliam?" Elizabeth was puzzled. "But he's the slippery one, isn't he?" She was sure she was not mixing them up.
"The slippery one?" Darcy began to laugh. "You must be referring to my cousin. I wouldn't call him slippery -- smooth, maybe."
"You've lost me."
"Where?"
"When you began about your cousin? What does he have to do with anything?"
"Nothing, but you mentioned him first." Darcy saw very well what Fitzwilliam had to do with things, but he liked to tease her just a little.
"No, no! It was you who said it was Fitzwilliam, by the way."
"That's right, but I wasn't talking about my cousin."
"I seriously lost you."
"I know."
"It's not very nice to keep me in the dark on purpose," Elizabeth protested. She studied him carefully, but he was not betraying any signs of amusement and yet he had to be amused.
"Fitzwilliam is my name," Darcy said gravely as if he was divulging a dark secret, which was actually not far off the mark.
Fitzwilliam! F. Darcy! Fitzwilliam Darcy! "No wonder."
"What is no wonder?"
"That you're F!"
"That's what Fitzwilliam starts with, yes."
"That's not what I meant. I meant it's no wonder that you're F if your name is Fitzwilliam."
"Isn't that what I meant as well?" Darcy was not prepared to admit all too readily that his name was so awful that he had preferred to abbreviate it.
"No! I meant that it isn't very..." Elizabeth racked her brains for a good euphemism.
"I could always reconsider and retract my offer if you don't approve of my first name," Darcy said in still the same grave tone.
"If you were so proud of it yourself, you wouldn't have abbreviated it," Elizabeth retorted. She had every right to say it was a rather strange name.
Darcy already knew he had a thing for sharp-tongued women and this only served to strengthen his belief. He looked quite delighted.
Elizabeth was afraid she had offended him, but there was some kind of sparkle in his eyes that betrayed that he was perhaps amused rather than insulted. He was not so bad. And he was not at all predictable. Good, good. She looked quite delighted as well.
Bingley and Jane were also quite delighted after Bingley had suggested that Elizabeth could live with his sister Caroline. He said Caroline would not mind and Jane believed him, unable to imagine that anyone would say no anyway.
Professor Bingley was at that moment already trying to get another person to live with her, but as he was doing the same to her, they made very little progress.
It was all rather amusing to Louisa and Hurst in the beginning, but finally they became annoyed. "Caroline, you're our hostess," said Hurst. "I know some of your guests are more equal than others, but you can't take one and leave the others to fend for themselves. It's just plain rude. Get your hands off each other."
"This Christmas thing really has a bad timing," Caroline said in irritation.
"And so does the baby!" Louisa yelped suddenly.
"Don't be silly. You're not pregnant."
"I never told you!" Louisa had been afraid of her sister's reaction. Caroline would criticise her decision to upset her career just to have a baby and she had not dared to tell Caroline about it yet. But she had known she was going to have to do so soon, because the baby's due date was rapidly approaching.
"You're not pregnant."
"I won't be any longer if you keep saying that long enough!" Louisa cried. "Then I'll be a mummy."
Caroline was stunned. "I want one too!"
"Don't ask her. Ask me," said Richard.
Chapter 28
And so it was decided that Elizabeth would rent a room in Darcy's flat. Mrs Bennet had a few initial motherly objections to her daughter's having an unmarried landlord, but Elizabeth had pointed out that married landlords who were too friendly were creeps, whereas unmarried landlords who were too friendly were just that, too friendly, and that his unmarried state signified that at least she was not living with a creep.
Mrs Bennet did not realise the faultiness of the argument, but she was convinced and abandoned her objections. While she might have problems with logic in certain areas, in others she was quite proficient, because she saw very well how she could twist this story to her advantage to brag about her Elizabeth who was living with a university professor -- that he was no professor was beside the point, as Mrs Bennet's friends would not be aware of the difference anyway.
Darcy simply exuded status.
However, to Elizabeth he did not. He was just her landlord, who happened to work at the same place she studied, not that she advertised the fact. It surely put an end to taking any friends home, although she had not done that much before either. She only told Charlotte about it, but Charlotte was too busy with William Collins to ever want to visit Elizabeth much.
In the first few days she barely ran into Darcy. He seemed to keep some very odd hours. Elizabeth did not know why, nor did she care very much. She did not know about the little Hurst baby that someone had to look after while his parents were supervising exams and Darcy, junior staff member, had been called upon to perform that task. It meant that he had to finish his own work at night, but this went pretty slow after all those hours with the baby.
He also tried to avoid Elizabeth as much as he could, because he did not trust himself to stick to his role of the impartial, fatherly landlord. If he saw too much of her, he might perhaps invite her to have dinner with him and then he would have to face her all through dinner. That might be a little too much for his nerves, because he was sure she did not return the sentiment.
Poor Darcy did not know that he could have sped up things so much by just taking baby Hurst home.
When he finally read that men with babies were apparently especially endearing to women, exams were over and the Hursts could look after their own baby. They certainly would not trust it to Darcy more than was strictly necessary, on account of his being an inexperienced bachelor. This did infuriate Darcy a little, because he was certain that he was as capable as Hurst when it came to handling babies, since all Hurst cared about was food and drink. But then, that was also all baby Hurst cared about and perhaps this made Hurst more suited to the task.
But the longer Darcy had stayed away, the more curious Elizabeth had got and she had felt some disappointment upon thinking that he might have a girlfriend somewhere. It was obviously not a very nice girlfriend, or she would not have claimed him so much all the time. He was obviously at her beck and call, always being out. Darcy was probably infatuated and did not realise this. Elizabeth worried for his sake. She hoped he would bring the girlfriend home so she could see what kind of woman it was and then perhaps she could warn him against her, but really, she was quite decided about the mysterious woman's character already.
When she found herself so prejudiced, she paused to think about it. She was doing it again. Why?
Well...
Because Darcy was her landlord and a man and it was 'a well-known fact that men had to be guided,' she quoted Professor Bingley. Who would dare to contradict Professor Bingley?
Yeah.
But then again, Professor Bingley only seemed to guide men she cared about.
This was really quite shocking. Not that the Professor should be able to care about anybody, nor that this was Richard Fitzwilliam at the latest check-up, but the whole concept in general was shocking. Elizabeth did not want to guide anybody if this meant she had to care about them. Or, clarifying the matter, she did not like to admit that she wanted to guide a person because she cared about him.
"What?" she cried, completely in shock.
This could not be happening.
Correction, this had already happened.
"When?" she cried, throwing herself on her bed face-down so nobody would see her. There was nobody else there, because Darcy had been summoned by his girlfriend, but that was beside the point. When had this happened? She racked her brains, but she could not decide on a specific moment in time when she had begun to care -- she preferred to call this caring and not something else.
It was, however, perfectly natural to care about one's landlord. It did not mean she had developed warmer, deeper, romantic, lustful feelings towards the man. "No! No! No!" Screamed often enough this would fix itself in her mind as an unalterable truth. "No! No! No!" Because the situation was quite hopeless.
He would not be interested in her. She only lived in his house.
"I beg your pardon," said a voice within her, the Voice of Reason. "He wanted you to live with him. Would he have asked any ugly old troll?"
The Voice of Doubt doubted this. "He was only being polite. He's never shown me any particular regard. He's always out! He's certainly not taking any advantage of my presence!"
That was true, but the Voice of Reason was clever and found a way to reason around this. "He's a gentleman who doesn't want to make you uncomfortable."
"He's got a girlfriend!" the Voice of Doubt squealed.
"Says who?" the Voice of Reason retorted. "Remember that you've never seen this woman and that he never mentions her. Does she exist at all?"
"Why does he leave me every night then?"
Elizabeth pulled her pillow over her head. She was really pathetic if she spoke in such terms. He was not leaving her every night! "You're not married!" He had every right to do what he liked without thinking of her. Had she ever given him any reasons to believe that she liked him? No! Then why was she whining?
The Voices were really frustrating and tiring her and she wished they would shut up. She was exhausted by the time Darcy came home, but also so afraid of him that she dared not come out of her room. "Elizabeth?" she heard him call, but she could not answer. Why did he not just go away and leave her to be tortured by the Voices? But he was not that psychic and he opened her door, pausing in her doorway to look at her pathetic figure on the bed with a curious frown. Elizabeth really hated the Voices -- she could clearly hear them falling over each other to speak the loudest. "Save me!" she breathed to Darcy, despite the fact that one Voice mocked this utterance as being completely contradictory to what she had been thinking a minute before. The other Voice, of course, applauded her words.
It was now up to Darcy.
Chapter 29
Darcy had Voices too. One could guess what his Voices were saying. They were so simple that they were going much too fast for Darcy, who generally only understood complex and long words.
"Kiss her," the naughty Voice said. This statement went way over Darcy's head, since it contained only two syllables.
"No, ask her why she wants to be saved." That was his gentlemanlike Voice speaking.
"Oh, just kiss her!" This four-syllable utterance registered and Darcy looked shocked, interested, curious, anxious, afraid and eager.
"She might not want to." The gentlemanlike Voice was a bit of a wussy, since it did not sound very convincing. Besides, might was hardly a strong argumentative verb. Darcy berated the Voice for that, crossing the word out virtually with a really thick red pen.
"She doesn't ask that for nothing. And you want to," the naughty Voice added slyly.
Darcy thought this was a particularly mean Voice to hit directly below the belt, almost making him speak out loud to tell the Voice it should leave him out of it, but that would have been so odd, to say "leave me out of it." Elizabeth might be puzzled.
However, the naughty Voice was getting the upper hand with its more decisive arguments. All things considered, Darcy felt that a kiss might not be unwelcome to the suffering figure on the bed, who was staring up at him pathetically, demanding, nay, imploring him to kiss her. He took half a step forward.
"Don't listen to Naughty," said the gentlemanlike Voice. "He's corrupting you. If that girl was so eager to kiss you, she would have jumped up and done so."
That might be true, but Darcy could list a few circumstances in her defence. That is to say, he knew he ought to be able to, but they eluded him at that precise moment. However, that was not important, because this Voice was trying to throw him off balance. "You are a bloody inconsistent Voice," he said inaudibly. "Please make sense next time. I'm going to shut you up for now." He took another step forward.
"I have done my job, you..." the gentlemanlike Voice slowly faded away as it was being pushed away into a dark corner of Darcy's mind.
The naughty Voice cheered, but if it thought it could dictate Darcy's behaviour now, it was sorely mistaken. "Go bug Fitzwilliam," Darcy told it.
"Fitzwilliam!" the naughty Voice said contemptuously. "I have no grip on Fitzwilliam, that diplomatic prig. He'll parrot me and then do everything Gentleman says, to keep us both happy. He never actually does what I tell him to."
"Uhhh?" this baffled Darcy. "I thought he --" but this was not the time to evaluate Fitzwilliam's naughtiness.
"I am seriously afraid of that Professor woman," said the naughty Voice. "She's been obstructing my work on Fitzwilliam since she was seventeen."
"Try harder. Byyyyeee." Darcy kicked the voice out of his head and took a deep breath. He took another step forward and another and another, until he walked into the bed. It was wonderful to have no Voices in his head any longer and he scooped Elizabeth up from the bed, suppressing the not very gentlemanlike word that came into his head when he felt her weight.
But she had to laugh at it and put her arms around his neck so he could not let her fall.
Right. Now where was he going to put her? No Voices also meant that he did not have a clue as to what he was doing. He put her down, because she was really quite heavy and then kissed her.
Chapter 30 ~ Post Scriptum
There were many people and couples in trouble in the department.
Professor Bingley thought she might be pregnant, but not with Richard Fitzwilliam's child, whereupon she had created some distance between her and Fitzwilliam while she tried to assemble enough courage to tell Darcy.
William Collins was turned down by the seventy-ninth love of his life.
Fitzwilliam had counted on having to move in with the Professor on account of her feminist ideas and he was now homeless, since he had sold his house. He was temporarily staying with Charles and Jane.
Charles and Jane had some disagreements because they were frequently woken in the middle of the night by Professor Bingley, who could not sleep without Fitzwilliam, but who, the moment she informed Charles or Jane, remembered that she wanted some distance because of the child she might be carrying and who then went away again, leaving Fitzwilliam unaware of all that had transpired.
Jane forbade Charles to answer the door in the middle of the night, but he always ignored her, his kind heart forbidding him to leave anyone standing outside in the cold.
William Collins was turned down by the eightieth love of his life.
Darcy, after having exchanged one kiss with his lodger, had progressed from being her landlord to being her cook, since he was much better at that than she was anyway. He would have liked to progress a little more than that, but she did not appear to be ready.
Elizabeth was happy with her good meals and the good company, but situations never seemed to arise in which he might kiss her again and she was not sure she minded. Thinking about it was one thing, doing it was quite another. And she had told Charlotte she was against premarital sex anyway, she remembered.
William Collins was turned down by the eighty-first love of his life.
George Wickham was keeping up with him nicely. The link to the Dutch department would be that his eighty-first conquest was a student there. She said. But she seemed awfully young.
Professor Bingley almost told Darcy, but then decided that she would only do that if she was certain and she was not. But she had no time to visit the doctor. The department had to be run.
Charlotte, who had lost all decency after William, claimed to have scored George Wickham, but as she had been quite drunk at the time, it might also have been William. Again. She thought she liked Lydia better than Elizabeth now, having the same kind of hobbies.
William Collins was turned down by the eighty-second love of his life.
Elizabeth forbade Lydia and Charlotte to sleep over, since they would get drunk and go after Darcy.
Darcy considered preparing a dish with a lot of wine in it.