Posted on Tuesday, 13 February 2001, at 7 : 08 p.m.
An exaggerated, completely tongue in cheek view of a modern Pride and Prejudice.
Or X-treme P&Ping.
It's raining out. And while I should be doing some homework and/or cleaning, I just don't feel like it. And while searching through the archives (thank you, Ann, again) I found it really, like, odd that Darcy and Bingley should spend so much vacation time together. I'm talking Fantasia stuff, I know the reason for Epilogue Alley and all that spending time together. And I'm talking about my own stuff here too, since I don't write EA things, I only write FG.
But isn't it weird that 1) there are no other friends other than the obligatory Colonel (fill in first name) Fitzwilliam? And 2) that not only do they spend so much time together but Bingley's sisters are there. A lot. 2 prime) Lizzy and Jane would have scratched each other's eyes out before living together for very long. Now granted, Caroline wants to catch Darcy but most people (and this is a generalization) don't like their brothers enough to spend more than Christmas Day with them. It's just creepy. And if they don't watch out, people are going to think that they are gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that... ;)And 3) Mrs. Bennet would have been slapped with a restraining order if she tried that hard to match her daughters up with any breathing male.
Hang on, must cue up favorite song again.
'K, here we go.
Mrs. Bennet called up Mr. Bennet at his office one rainy morning (just like today) and left a message on his voice mail, "Pooky, you have to call me back the minute you get back from your meeting. Netherfield Park has been sub-let at last!! By a Shakespearean acting troupe who will perform all summer long in the amphitheater. Oh, what a fine thing for our girls. At last they can audition for parts, find rich handsome husbands and gain fame and fortune all in one go. Pooky? Are you there? Pooky? Call me back mwah. Bye bye."
Mr. Bennet who had had her on speakerphone was enjoying his colleagues' faces as they now regarded their partner as Pooky. Life would be hell from now on as she was a stage mother from the old school and never gave up even though her daughters did long ago.
Me again. I have another observation and it is that Elizabeth Bennet cannot seem to do anything wrong. It's amazing what this woman can do. Hang on, good song is coming up, must pay close attention to it or will wither and die.
Better now.
Conversely, Darcy is always four steps behind Lizzy. I think that's unfair and unrealistic. In reality, neither of them know what the heck is going on at any time until after the fact.
Darcy eyed the auditioning women and rolled his eyes at the no-talents that dared trespass on his turf. Just because the flyers said open auditions doesn't mean that just anyone can come and try out. He spied a stunning, short-ish, voluptuous, curly-haired, full-lipped - yet very intelligent looking brunette standing next to a statuesque blonde and was immediately struck by the former's fine eyes. Yet he came to the conclusion that she was not of his class and chose to ignore her, despite the fact that he felt innately drawn to her from the very first moment he saw her on this planet. And despite the fact that it's now the 21st Century and class means diddly.
Bingley on the other hand was one nanosecond away from becoming a puddle of mush from Statuesque Blonde's close proximity to his personal space.
Caroline, who for some reason thinks that she belongs there, is at the make up table, making up.
Lizzy, the Fine-eyed Brunette has decided to sit the audition out and watched happily (and with no amount of jealousy that her sister managed yet again to find a man willing to be her slave in just four minutes of entering a place while, she, Lizzy sat by herself again, waiting. Not that she didn't have her fair share of men to pull on a string, she just didn't have her sister's gift of supernatural man gathering) while Bingley chats up her sister. Bingley managed to tear his eyes away from Jane, the Statuesque Blonde, to go talk Darcy into picking up chicks.
"See, there's a Fine-eyed Brunette sitting right there. And even though she's not an angel, I'm sure she's perfect for you." Bingley pointed and then trotted back to Jane. Any resemblance to a Golden Retriever is of course intentional.
"I don't care about silly, fine-eyed women that do not have the talent to waste on my perfect and technically difficult play, (fill in the blank of appropriate play here) that will be told using only small kitchen utensils and also has a huge amount of funding from my rather bank roll situated happily in diversified portfolios of staggering amounts." Darcy sniffed at Lizzy, despite his strong desire to go to her and get her phone number so they can headline together for the rest of time. He did not notice that he was talking to himself.
Lizzy, however, heard him and while miffed, had a sense of humor and thought to herself. "Too bad, he's cute but probably gay. Look at the way he's glaring at that Bingley guy. And he hasn't gone straight to my sister, that proves it. Not to mention he's an actor. I'll show him."
Just to "show him" Lizzy did audition and won the lead role in (fill in the blank of appropriate play here), astounding Darcy with her capability of emotion and depth and most of all her ability to play the spoons. He immediately decides to cast himself as the lead male so as to get to know her better without actually trying to get to know her better.
I think I can safely say that entails in a modern P&P are obsolete and furthermore, we can get rid of the notion that Mrs. Bennet will want any of her progeny to wed that closely into the family no matter how desperate she was to get them married off because even she has standards and that's just plain gross and illegal. (By the same token we can get rid of the idea that Anne De Bourgh is related to Darcy too) So Collins is usually relegated to slimy toad-like acquaintance, His obnoxious attitude and arrogant yet subservient behavior hasn't changed as well as the fact that he thinks the world must revolve around his employer, Lady Cat De Bourgh (the Sun) and himself (her moon).
(Lady Cat is not a titled person in this story due to it's taking place in the States. Instead, I'm taking my cue from Lady Bird Johnson. Ask your parents if you have to.;)
Lady Cat has long since insinuated herself into the theater world as it's most celebrated theater critics. Celebrated in the way that playwrights and directors consider it a badge of greatness to get a pan from the venerable lady for to be liked by such a person, so often wrong and full of herself, would be a great misfortune indeed. Plus every play she hated did very well at the box office.
She employed a play scout, one William Collins (Heaven forbid there be two of them), to, as you've guessed, scout out plays during rehearsals and try to glean a scoop for his sun, er employer.
He was well paid, had an ego inflated enough that could have rescued Tom Hanks and Wilson if he were born a raft, and thought himself irresistable to the opposite sex. That last thought naturally caused all but one myopic yet kind-hearted and prudent lady to run screaming from his presence - when they didn't tell him off. Telling him off, of course, never worked because he was also stupid and didn't get it. (We'll let Charlotte get away with not marrying him in this story. She deserves a break.)
Collins snuck into the rehearsal room (Darcy's well furnished and clean living room, situated in a high rise in the good part of town - furthering Lizzy's first mistaken notion that Darcy is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but she does have to have a mistaken notion about him and that's it. Plus he dresses well so that didn't help.) as a pizza delivery boy and spied on the actors rehearsal. Lizzy was caught in Darcy's arms and he was about to kiss her. This was all part of (fill in the blank of appropriate play here) of course but Darcy, that devious little stinker, did some quick blocking the night before and he figured out how to do the scene without using the whisk.
Immediately spying Lizzy, Collins dropped his pizza box (it was empty anyway - he ate it during the taxi ride) and rushed to her oozing and all kinds of gross Collins-y things that I can't describe and Darcy, sensing an intruder, then seeing an intruder and the intruder's intentions on Lizzy, sends the intruder packing with a sore lip.
Collins, humiliated and revengeful, loudly vowed to give Lady Cat a full report and said that she would write such a scathing review that would wither the paper it was printed on.
Everyone gave a loud hurrah as he said that then hurrahed again as he left.
Need I say more? Wickham is always a debatable entity. In modern times, he can be capable of heinous crimes (that are supposedly translated from the Regency era) that I really don't like to introduce him. But he's part of the story. Well so are Louisa and Mr. Hurst but you'll notice I didn't bother with them. I won't go into detail about Wickham and I'll keep his role short since I don't feel like thinking. Another thing, no matter what the belief is, Lydia's behavior has become so common place that there is nothing shocking about it. I'll let you decide for yourselves what that means and leave the social commentary out of it. ;)
Lizzy noticed a man hanging around the rehearsal doors (lobby) around the fourth day. He was handsome, and well dressed in a way that said 'I like Women', i.e. he wore a gold chain around his neck and stuck his hands into his pockets as he leaned against the building.
The second time Lizzy saw him, she smiled.
The third time Lizzy saw him, she nodded her head.
The fourth time Lizzy saw him, she said hello and the fifth time Lizzy saw him she went wee wee wee wee all the way home.
No she didn't. She stopped and chatted him up a bit to see if he was hanging around waiting for his girlfriend (Lizzy hoped not because she did not yet know what a foul fiend he was) or if he just had a job holding up the building.
Wickham had a lovely voice and such a charming way of communicating that was exactly opposite of Collins that she agreed to meet him the next day for coffee at the local coffee shop (which was actually found on any corner of their fair city).
Lizzy arrived late and irate 1) because that rhymed and 2) because Darcy insisted on doing the kissing scene over and over again and he had onions with his lunch that day and she already knew the part backwards and forwards and didn't think they needed to rehearse that part anymore. Besides which, she was starting to like the kissing and that was wrong because he was gay and arrogant and to fall for him would be the worst of things. Not that there is anything wrong with the first part (only makes things useless in the romance department) but the last part is something she can't stand in anyone, gay or straight.
Her friend, Charlotte (the myopic one spared in this story) who was to be in the orchestra for the play (let's face it, it's a well funded play), told her she was nuts to give up on Darcy. She didn't believe her when she insisted he was gay, she knew people who knew people and they said things quite the opposite about the Darcmeister. In fact, Charlotte thought Lizzy was deliberately misconstruing him so she wouldn't have to face the fact that she liked him. Charlotte was nearsighted, she wasn't dumb.
Charlotte picked up her oboe case ("Yes, I play the oboe, but what I really want to do is conduct.") and walked away, she had a date with someone who was not at all Collins.
Not heading Charlotte's advice because in her thinking, why would Darcy hang around Bingley so much if he wasn't in love with him? They even took their vacations together, which concerned Lizzy for her sister's sake. That Caroline hung around Darcy who hung around Bingley who hung around Jane who stuck by her sister was wasting her time only made Lizzy laugh more. Didn't Caroline see that he just wasn't interested?
But Caroline didn't see that he wasn't interested, she only knew that he wasn't gay. He was fair game in her book.
Wickham knew Darcy wasn't gay either but something in what Lizzy said to him the day before aroused his evil nature and he decided to play along with it. Wickham didn't have much of a plan to begin with, he figured he'd string Lizzy along and feed her some ideas about her co-star in order to stir up some trouble. He had been hanging around the building because he wanted to get Darcy alone so he could maybe get a little money off Darcy, and Lizzy may be his bus ticket out of town. Wickham was broke and had been an old family acquaintance that had a knack for lying and getting into trouble. And every time he got into trouble he happened to have a minor-aged female with him. His lying had kept him out of jail so far except for the last time, which involved Darcy's sister, bad lying and a few lawyers. Which was why he wanted money. He wasn't above blackmail. He was just above going to jail.
Lizzy chatted about the play that she was just doing for monetary reasons alone. She had no aspirations to be an actress, she had a double degree in nuclear physics and English Lit but she was only acting to pay the bills. Her hobbies were saving the world and making hooked rugs for poor children that have no one to make hooked rugs for them and would otherwise be completely ignorant of what hooked rugs were.
Every time she got onto hooked rugs, Wickham adroitly led her back to Darcy and she started to vent.
"... and then he wanted to do the scene again! It was the fifth time today. I mean, it's not like he likes me or anything, he's gay, so I don't see what the deal is." Lizzy sipped her coffee.
Wickham's eyes lit up with glee. "Yes, he is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have lots of friends that are gay. Sadly, Darcy is no longer one of my friends. You see, he separated his dear sister from her one true love and now she's out somewhere practicing wandering the world searching for another soul mate for a life partner. Even now, I can guess that he is planning on separating Tingley-"
"Bingley," Lizzy corrected.
"Thank you. Bingley from this sister of yours, what did you say her name was?"
"Jane."
"Jane from each other because it's obvious he wants Bingley to himself. Why else would they vacation together?"
Lizzy's eyes may be fine but they also knew how to shoot daggers and she couldn't wait to go find out if looks could kill.
(Hope that makes Bill's list of really bad lines)
She left the coffee restaurant stunned. Obviously, she had had too much coffee. But she was also upset about the information that Wickham ad given her. She didn't stop to think about it. For instance, how did he know they vacationed together, she didn't mention it. She also didn't know that he completely lied about Darcy's sister but not having met the girl, she didn't know the difference.
Having just combined (sort of) the generalish info that Colonel Fitzwilliam gives to Lizzy and a weird version of the lies Wickham tells, why bother with the Colonel?
Probably because there would be a lynching if I do and I like my neck.
Now, here is another interesting fact: In the book, the Colonel is not cute, hot, studly, muffinish, sexy, godlike or even very attracted to Lizzy. It also says quite clearly that he is not handsome. But in our collective imaginations, he has replaced Darcy as the hero of many a story being all the above plus able to leap across social barriers with a single bound. I am not going to get into the arguments of if he is or is not a stud muffin, now a battle even more contentious than a Fanny War. I refuse, don't try. But since he is a respectable character who delivers a nice little plot point, I will put him in. I just don't know what to do with him. And no, I don't want your suggestions. ;)
It was two days until the opening of Darcy's Shakespeare in the Park. Mrs. Bennet was all in a tizzy getting tickets for all of her friends to be in the front row and to be sure that none of her friend's daughters got a chance to talk to any men at all whom she had secretly reserved for her own offspring. But she's back at her house and not important. I'm talking Lizzy and Darcy now.
Lizzy had decided to stay in the play, if only to keep Darcy from separating her sister, Jane the Perfect, from Bingley. Plus she had given her word to be in it, and she hated going back on her word. Darcy had managed to stand next to Lizzy again, and was about to suggest practicing the kissing scene again when he saw that his cousin, Colonel (no particular first name) Fitzwilliam had come by.
Lizzy was immediately intrigued by this new male presence in her life and hung around, waiting for a chance to use her arts and allurements on him to gain a phone number and maybe a date.
(Ok, her arts and allurements - it's over used but it works.)
Colonel (no particular first name) Fitzwilliam asked Darcy if he got Bingley to get away from his new flame yet because it was getting close to vacation time and they had better get their tickets before all the good spots were booked up.
Darcy replied that he hadn't been able to separate the two yet but he would try again that night.
Exeunt Colonel and the Colonel's cameo...
Lizzy got a sudden headache plus an itch to slap someone's face, preferable Darcy's, and turned to leave, word or no word, play or no play but Darcy seeing her sudden movement, reached out to stop her so he could maybe practice some more.
"Lizzy wait!" Darcy ran his manly hands through his black touchable curls. "In vain I have struggled and I can deny myself no longer, for who ever heard of an actor that can practice self-denial? I (dramatic pause) love you! Lizzy you're a great actress, you are dedicated during rehearsals, which means you must like me because all we seem to do is make out and our good sides compliment each others' so we won't have to fight for camera angles when we go to Hollywood. And you're really cute too. Won't you be a Ginger to my Fred?" He puckered up and leaned in to kiss her.
Lizzy slapped him.
Then she told him what she thought of him:
"What kind of girl do you think I am? Of course I won't go anywhere with you! You're gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that but there is when you try to steal my sister's boyfriend away from her! And you want me? Eeewwwwwwwww!!!! You're twisted!"
Darcy only had one thing to say to that:
"Huh?"
"And another thing, how can you separate your sister from her life partner like that? Wickham told me everything about it. You of all people should be ashamed of yourself you hypocrite!"
Darcy stiffened and said, "I haven't any clue as to what you are talking about but the tone of your voice must mean that you are turning me down, turning Hollywood down and killing the chance of something terrific. I only regret now that I've said anything at all. Good bye, I'm going to go stare out of a window now."
This was a given. But in modern times, no one ever writes. It's a lost art form. And email is so impersonal. Here's my version.
Darcy, being avant-garde, chose to perform his explanation himself, in lyrical dance rather than write it down on a cold impersonal sheet of paper and plain ink. He showed up at her apartment dressed in tight black pants and a black turtle neck with a cracked red heart on it, representing his pain. He wore no shoes representing his humility. The fact that he didn't wear mime make up showed that he was sincere, not hiding behind a mask and also not stupid. Lizzy being enlightened and a smart cookie knew exactly what his dance meant. For the rest of us, here is my translation of it:
Darcy's Dance:
Flowing movement of arms accompanied by one foot pointing towards the recipient...(Dear Lizzy,)
Jumps back using leg that's not pointing and holds arms in front of face while shaking fists...(Be not alarmed upon receiving this dance o gram...)
Holds one hand to heart and one to head in woeful expression as he staggers in Shatner-like way around in tight circle.... (That it contain any repetition of that which last night...)
Scuffs shoes across carpet, picks up one foot and looks at bottom of sole then reels back.... (...was so disgusting to you.)
Does sashay across floor, pirouettes and bounds in a single leap over the couch. (Last night you told me I was a jerk...)
Grapevines back to starting point and repeats above dance steps only stops short of couch...(that I deliberately separated...)
Trots around in circles then glides across room in manner of statuesque blonde...(Bingley and your sister...)
Does something here that I cannot repeat with the PG-13 rating in effect...(For my own purposes.)
Stands stock still, holds hands on hips and gives her an exasperated look that said... (I mean duuuuuuuuhhhhh, are you nuts?)
Crosses arms and taps foot impatiently...(I had no intention of butting into my friend's business...)
Strides over to Lizzy and kisses her full on the mouth they way that it was supposed to be done in rehearsal but had never quite made it.(I AM NOT GAY!)
Meekly retreats and shrugs shoulders.(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Prances around room like Little Red Riding Hood going to see Grandma...(Yeah, I vacation with Bingley...)
Does hand stand and scissor kicks legs rapidly then springs forward onto feet, twirls twice, then again then falls on floor and flops around in manner of guppie... (We go camping together... sometime my cousin comes along... we also fish...)
Shimmies...(We'd bring along ladies but we don't...)
Hits side of his head with the flat of his palm in sledgehammer-like manner. (Because no female in her right mind ever wants to go camping and fishing with a bunch of beer-drinking fishy-smelling guys.)
Darcy spins, gets on one knee, gets back up, leaps and then picks up a vase and smashes it against the wall... (As to what Wickham said...)
Turns coffee table over and snaps off the legs... (He maligns my good sister...)
He set the broken table legs carefully on top of the table and places a single flower on top of them.... (Wickham tried to seduce her...)
Darcy karate chopped the legs in half with one blow of his foot, then he did it again and again and again... (But I put a stop to that and beat him to a pulp not unlike what I am doing to this table...)
He opened his palms wide, splaying his finger and held one leg up, knees bent foot flexed so the sole aligned parallel with the floor. (She was only fifteen at the time.)
He stomped on the ground and flung himself backwards so that he landed on his back... (Hate me, if you must...)
He rolled around on the floor... (But know that I am not the beast you think I am...)
He got up, picked a piece of lint off his black turtleneck. (Eeeww, lint!) Then he hung his head down and walked slowly and dejectedly towards the door... (All my hopes and dreams are dashed, Lizzy...)
He tossed a bible at her... (G-d be with you...)
He blew her a kiss from the door. (Adios.)
Then he left... (He left.)
Darcy, being avant-garde, walked back in and passed his hat to Lizzy, who promptly put in a dollar.
She always believed in supporting the Arts.
Then he was out of her life. At least until rehearsal the next day.
Lizzy sat on her couch and pondered all she had seen that night...
The End.
Naturally, such persuasive arguments that Darcy conveyed had drastically changed Lizzy's mind in four seconds flat. She now comprehended that he was exactly the man whom she could love and star for the rest of her life, like Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward. She didn't want to wind up like Russel Crowe and Meg Ryan. But after her accusations she assumed that he would no longer care for her (actors being such fickle people and all). She showed up to rehearsal the next day only to find that he had to go get his camping gear ready for the upcoming trip. On top of that she was confronted by Lady Cat demanding a scoop (news item of some importance and has nothing to do with kitty litter) and delivering some news of her own.
Lady Cat was not a gracious wild flower planting ex-First Lady from Texas so Lizzy had no problems disliking her from the start.
"So, Lizzy, I hear you have slept your way to the staring role, what do you have to say to that?"
"Only this, you need to double check your sources because that is a lie." Lizzy longed to tell her that in lyrical dance but feared it would be lost upon Lady Cat's meager aesthetic sensabilities.
"I am ever celebrated for the veracity of my sources. I also heard that Darcy is gay, is that true?"
"No, that is not true and I would appreciate it, as would Mr. Darcy, that you would refute such lies if you hear them spoken of again. Now will you excuse me I have to get back to rehearsal." Lizzy, gathered up her spoons and tried to walk away but Lady Cat detained her.
"Not so fast, young lady. By the way, when was your last collagen ejection? Your lips are thinning out."
Lizzy put her hand up to her mouth alarmed.
"A ha! A scoop!" Lady Cat scribbled something into her notebook while Lizzy hoped a house would drop on the woman.
"Now, what's this I hear about your youngest sister running away to be an accountant?"
Lizzy's world tilted. "What? That's not true, that can't be true! She would never..." Lizzy's voice broke as she remembered all the calculators her sister, Lydia used to collect. "Oh no! How can anyone in the art world respect me after this? What will Darcy say," she cried and ran away.
Lady Cat scribbled some more.
Lizzy's rehearsal was a wreck. Not only did she not have anyone to kiss, she didn't know any of her other scenes because that kissing scene was the only one they had rehearsed. I'm afraid she dropped her spoons more than once. The news of Lydia's new found career made things almost unbearable and she thought about quitting while she was behind but the thought of not seeing Darcy again and telling him that despite her sister, despite her previous dislike for him, despite her double majors in serious fields, she loved acting and she loved him and would star opposite him in a blockbuster movie that grosses over a hundred mill the first weekend.
But it was all too late.
The play went on smoothly enough and Lizzy managed to face Darcy and act her heart out with Jane feeding her the lines off stage by clanging a soup spoon against a pan. The kissing scene, the only one that wasn't tattooed with Lizzy's flubbed lines was a big hit with the crowd and after the crowd dispersed to see other Shakespeare in the Park plays, Lizzy swallowed her pride and walked up to Darcy who was being doused by his cast members with a barrel full of Gatorade to commemorate the day. (Darcy, for some reason, cast a lot of ex-football players) This left him in a wet shirt (although rather orange from the Gatorade) and Lizzy didn't know which way to look, only that he was wearing a wet shirt and she knew that she had to tell him how she felt now before he dried off.
He Looked at her.
She gave him a Look back and said, 'Sorry."
He said, "That's OK. I heard Lady Cat say she was going to tell everyone we were terrible. We should be a big hit next week when I get back from my camping trip."
"Yeah, about that trip. Is there any way you could maybe postpone it a bit and maybe instead we can rehearse that kissing scene again? I think we really need to."
"Do you mean that?" Darcy's face lit up with glee.
Lizzy smiled at him, "I do."
"When do you want to start?"
"How about now?"
Darcy pulled out his day planner and checked his schedule. Seeing nothing that wasn't more important than rehearsing, he took Lizzy in his arms and rehearsals commenced.
No I change my mind, I hope all of the above gets into Bill's bad lines list. ;)