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Chapter Thirty-six

Posted on Monday, 28 July 2003, at 10:07 p.m.

Part One

You cannot reason a person out of a position he did not reason himself into in the first place.
~ Jonathan Swift

Lizzy could genuinely say she had never been this terrified in her entire life. In less than two hours she would not longer be a Bennet - she would be a Darcy. Mrs Fitzwilliam Darcy. Her identity would no longer be her own. Would she have what it took to be what a Mrs Darcy should be like? What should a Mrs Darcy be like? Like Lady Catherine? Like Lady Matlock? Like Lady Rockhaven?

She was going to be a society wife, married to a rich and important man.

She knew her thoughts were rambling. Was this what was meant by pre-wedding nerves? She guessed that all brides must get similar feelings, although not all of them had been subjected to a talk about bridal duties from her mother.

Jane had taken it far more calmly than Lizzy. Lizzy had squirmed, turned red and had become increasingly angry. After all, Mrs Bennet had a blunt way of talking and was a great believer in the idea that women should not interfere with their husbands, they were merely decorative brood mares - silence was an essential quality for brood mares it appeared.

In this case it was do, as Mrs Bennet says not do as Mrs Bennet does.

Lizzy didn't understand how Jane could have been so clam then and so calm now. But there she was sitting placidly while Sarah the maid pulled and smoothed her hair into perfection.

"Why are you so calm?" exclaimed Lizzy as she frantically tried to help Susannah shove white flowers into her dangerously curled hair.

"Because in several hours, I will be marrying the man I love and that's all that matters. All that matters."

"Oh. But I'm marrying the man I love too, and I'm not feeling anything like approaching calm!"

"But is that all that is worrying you?"

Jane paused as Sarah finished with her hair; she pulled her dressing gown about her and walked over to where her sister was sitting.

"I doubt this is all that matters to you. You are worried about wifely duties, subjugation, how people will expect you to act. Think about it."

"Are you saying I shouldn't marry him?" exclaimed Lizzy hotly.

"No. I'm saying you have chosen the rocky road to happiness."

"I can't help the way I feel."

"No but you can help the way you think."

Lizzy blinked angrily and turned slightly away from her sister.

Kitty stood at the door and smiled, "Mama wants to come up and check your hair."

Jane rolled her eyes ever so slightly.

"Should I stop her?" asked Kitty.

"No let her come up. We already know what she will say."

"Do we?" said Lizzy somewhat petulantly.

"Yes. She will criticise, nothing is ever perfect when she is talking about her daughters' wedding."

"No, she will criticise me." Said Lizzy.

"How can she? You are marrying 'ten thousand a year'," said Kitty pointedly.

"No I'm not! I'm marrying Mr Darcy!"

"That's not what Mama sees, she sees a big sack of gold."

Jane giggled. "That is not very polite Kitty."

"Well cannot you just imagine Darcy as a sack of gold? The way mama's eyes light up when she sees him!"

"Well I don't find it funny," said Lizzy huffily.

"Well I didn't know you lost your sense of fun when you decided to get married," retorted Kitty.

"I have not lost mine! And I don't intend to!" added Jane firmly. "But Kitty is right. Where is the Lizzy that laughed at folly?"

"She's still here - just - well I don't like to see my soon to be husband abused."

"You think saying I could see him as a sack of gold is abuse? I haven't even started on the teasing and abusing! Don't be so sensitive on his behalf, Lizzy!" exclaimed Kitty.

Lizzy looked as though she was about to retort sharply when Mrs Bennet burst into the room.

"Girls! Girls! Time is running out! Get dressed! Get dressed. You don't want to turn up - " there was a pregnant pause - "looking like country misses! You are marrying £5000 and £10 000 a year and very likely more!"

Mrs Bennet then fluttered out of the room calling for Mary.

Lizzy glared at Kitty who just adopted a raised eyebrow.

"And where did you learn that look from I wonder?" commented Jane.

"From the man I intend to marry," replied Kitty with a smirk, before leaving the room. She popped her head around the doorframe. "And yes, all that matters is that I love him and that he loves me."

Jane laughed.

"Who is she talking about?" exclaimed Lizzy.

"You don't know do you?" said Jane sadly.

"What! Do you?"

"Yes of course, it is obvious."

Lizzy threw down her hairbrush down on the vanity in anger.

However nonchalant Kitty might appear in front of her sisters, her heart was not quite so certain. While she had almost certainly proven to herself that she had - in vulgar parlance - been sent a leveller by Ash, she did not know in fact if a man could do this, or if she had sent him one.

It had been surprisingly simple to avoid meeting the denizens of Netherfield over the last week if one so chose. What with all the errands she had been forced to run she had been most certainly out when Ash and Miles had paid their pre-wedding courtesy call to Longbourn. Just like she had been most certainly in, to receive all the other guests who had journeyed to stay overnight, while Ash and Miles careened around the countryside on horseback. In fact the closest she had come to seeing either of the men was while she was walking to Meryton, along that fateful road in the wood, when she had espied them through the trees. Luckily there was a large tree to hide behind.

Why Kitty had taken so much trouble to put off a meeting that was either going to be joyous or extremely painful, she did not know. All she knew was she could not and would not meet them (especially him) when she still had her sisters' weddings on her mind.

Mary was in a particularly bad mood. Her dress had been considered unimportant by her mother, thus was left to one of the girls called in from the village to help with the wedding preparations. Mary hoped that the fashionable London people coming to the wedding would assume that the fabric was meant to look crumpled and unwashed.

However her bad mood was not just connected to the dress. Sir Christian, after making such a nuisance of himself by popping up all over the place, had remained unpopped for the last days leading up to the wedding. She had not seen hide nor hair of him.

This was most displeasing considering the mental and physical anguish she wanted to release upon his person. She had come to a conclusion about her feelings for the baronet, and was he around so she could vent her spleen upon him? No. It was all his fault!

And, even more alarmingly, Mary was remembering a rather hastily agreed to invitation for Sir Christian to seek her out at the wedding.

At the Wedding! In front of her parents! And her sisters! And her new brothers-in-law!

Well, she would remain strong and particularly ignore him. That would teach him!

Lydia had already worked her way through one whole entire SHELF of the library and embroidered an entire cover for a chair.

She was afraid she was becoming domesticated. So she had allayed these fears by indulging in several large temper tantrums.

However these had not in any way made her feel any better, having occurred in her room with no discernible audience apart from the kitchen cat. She had spent the better part of the week being almost entirely ignored. Lydia did not know what she disliked more the times when she was being ignored or the times when she wasn't and was introduced simply as "My youngest". It appeared that somewhere in the wedding fuss she had lost her name and any other individual identification.

Lizzy and Jane of course were introduced as the brides to be. Mary was introduced as the intellectual, who would play the piano at the wedding breakfast. Even Kitty was introduced as the daughter who had already thrown away several promising men.

Lydia apparently held no interest to anybody, having no connection, no matter how tenuous, to the wedding preparations.

Lizzy had even vetoed her request to be an attendant.

Lydia felt that she had a legitimate set of grievances; in fact she knew that unlike any time before, did she have proper and true reasons to feel like punching a hole in the sturdy walls of Longbourn.

Thus Lydia was at a total loss to understand why she didn't feel like indulging in anything but a few petty tantrums in her own room. Instead she appeared to be acting like a calm rational adult. It alarmed her in a way that she could not explain.

Part Two

Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.
Karl Marx

If reason had departed Netherfield in the week preceding the wedding, reality had taken an extended vacation to the antipodes the day of the wedding.

At least three maids and four footmen handed in their notice declaring they would not stay above their six months in a place so riddled with persons who, if not for the fact they were protected by the label 'Quality', should be reserved a place in Bedlam.

For in the week leading up to the wedding, several guests had arrived. Their arrival (it is to be noted) coincided with the distinct drop in logical conversation and thought in the vicinity of Netherfield.

One of these guests was Lady Catherine.

Lady Catherine was appalled. She was always appalled. But she was particularly appalled at the way her nephew appeared to be handling the wedding.

He appeared to her to be in a panic. Darcys were never in panics. Her sister had not raised her son to panic. To linger near walls at assemblies. But never to panic.

It was most extraordinary.

Thus Lady Catherine had done everything to rectify this situation that could only be described as appalling.

"I could not believe the state this household was in before my arrival! Could you Cassie?" boomed Lady Catherine at her visitor while her maid attempted to pin the fourth and hopefully final chosen bonnet of the morning to her illustriously coiffured hair.

The Duchess blinked. Having only arrived the day before she was slightly alarmed by the chaos that was Netherfield and a little apprehensive about inquiring about the state of the household before Lady Catherine had arrived; after all it was a little unnerving to imagine something worse than the apocalypse.

"Darcy was thinking of taking Miss Bennet to an inn! An Inn!"

"What on earth is wrong with an inn Catherine? It would certainly be a step up from sharing Netherfield with us, several lovesick young men, the winners of the-most-sickly-sweet-couple-of-the-year, and other assorted guests that one only invites to weddings and avoids everywhere else."

"Without taking your own sheets! It would be folly. Inns never have proper linen. Poor Miss Bennet would catch a cold if her constitution was anything like Anne's!"

"It is fortuitous then that Anne's constitution is wholly unique." The Duchess paused, as Lady Catherine's eyes narrowed in offence. "And I hardly think that a reputable inn that allows itself to be hired out completely for a groom and his bride would then present them with shoddy linen."

Lady Catherine did not deign to answer this. Instead she examined her bonnet.

"Is this suitable for a wedding? I do not wish to outclass the brides."

Anne, who had entered the room with a request from Miss Bingley, stopped in her tracks.

"Mama! You could not outclass the brides!"

Lady Catherine turned "Of course I could! I have had years of practice outclassing everybody. I make it my business."

The Duchess privately thought that adorning oneself with dead poultry was no route to outclassing anybody.

"Well, do not just stand there, Anne, I thought you were helping that dreadful Miss Bingley person with the carriage arrangements!"

Anne, who had been momentarily traumatised by her mother's choice of hat, suddenly recalled the reason she had ventured the gauntlet of running upstairs.

"Oh yes, you said you wished to accompany cousin Darcy to the wedding, but that would mean you would be left with no transportation to the wedding breakfast or back to Netherfield."

"And why is this? This must not be!"

"Well Darcy will be joined by Elizabeth after the wedding, and you would not wish to take Elizabeth's former place, as she will journey to the wedding with her mother."

"Nonsense, I would enjoy furthering my acquaintance with Mrs Bennet and so I dare say would you Anne. I must speak to her about this silly honeymoon notion of Darcy's."

Anne looked aghast, the idea of spending even such a short journey closeted up in a carriage with both her mother and Mrs Bennet, who would no doubt also be discussing their many merits as mothers and ladies of the community.

"Anne, who shall I be attending the wedding with?" asked the Duchess.

"Well Miss Bingley thought given your age..." Anne trailed off realising that her distraction had caused her to walk into a trap.

"Yes, what does the lady of orange have to say about my age?" asked the Duchess sardonically.

Anne smiled weakly. "Since you have disposed of your companion for this journey, she felt you would like to travel with Lord Upton and Ash. In case you have need of support."

The Duchess snorted. "Wild geese would be better support than those two! But you may tell Miss Bingley that the arrangement meets with my approval."

Miles and Ash were not musing on their comparability to wild geese, instead they were wondering how it had come to be that they had spent a week in Hertfordshire and only come within waving distance of the two people that they most and least wanted to see at the same time.

However dull the week had been regarding improving the state of their love lives, it had been exciting, in the sense that both men now had a very clear notion of how not to run an important event.

At this present time they were waiting for the grooms to bestir themselves. After all it was only brides who could be late. Not grooms.

In fact they were waiting for the entirety of Netherfield to bestir themselves, which was a bit of an irony considering the fluster the whole place had been in for what felt like eternity.

"Before this, I think, I was quite naïve," mused Ash standing on the driveway.

"Quite naïve? You?" scoffed Miles.

"Not naïve in all areas, you understand, but naïve when it came to weddings. I very foolishly thought that for a wedding, one simply needed a bride, and a church."

"You are forgetting the parson."

"Yes and of course the parson. I did I confess think that the bride's household would be in uproar over trousseaus and dresses and hair...but I felt the groom's household would be untouched."

Miles considered this. "But this is Darcy we are talking about."

"Bingley has to bear some of the blame as well."

"Of course. But I think both of them wish for their brides to be comfortable and happy upon arriving here at Netherfield, or at the inn. Thus all the redecorating and flowers."

Ash shrugged. "But once a groom and a bride arrive at their destination, in this case Netherfield or the inn, the bride is already a bride! She would already be your wife, she can't run away, so why all the fuss!"

"Exactly my thoughts."

There was a pause.

"Ash, I fear this may be the reason neither of us can convince a girl to marry either of us."

Thus they went back to musing how they were going to act and react upon seeing those particular unconvinced girls.

There was a tentative knock at the door. It then opened very tentatively, and an equally tentative head poked its way around the door. The reason for the tentativeness was also the reason a further two servants at Netherfield had given in their notice. A place where one could lose an eye due to cravat pins being wildly thrown about by nervous grooms was not one where many servants would choose to stay.

Everyone fervently hoped that the valets of Misters Darcy and Bingley would be receiving their masters' gratitude in the form of a pile of gold.

"Yes, what is it?" cried Bingley rather tensely, wishing that he had not laughed so much at Darcy's panic earlier this week. Even if it had been in private.

"The Butler sent me to inform you that Colonel Fitzwilliam has arrived, and that the carriages are waiting, upon your pleasure of course."

The door shut very quickly, without even waiting for a response.

Bingley sighed and went back to choosing just the right cravat pin. Why was this being so difficult? It wasn't as though he doubted Jane, or his decision or anything! Yet he was so nervous!

He was going to blame Darcy his panic was clearly catching! Though Darcy had calmed down slightly since the arrival of his Aunt, who was clearly meant to be the master of a ship. Bingley had never seen anyone quite as demanding and so very fit to organise.

Though he was a little unsure how much Darcy had actually ceased to panic and how much his panic had just been internalised, to save face in front of his Aunt.

He had a feeling quite a bit had been internalised considering the fact Darcy was just being rather unwell. Darcy had been rather unwell all morning. It had probably been Miles' unwise musing that it would be particularly amusing if the Church burnt down after all this planning, and Ash's equally misplaced sense of comic timing, that led him to add that they'd have to be wed in the graveyard, that had set Darcy off.

On the other hand it might have equally been the fact that Lady Catherine had announced this morning that she was cutting short Darcy's honeymoon.

Bingley wished there was some way of having a painter capture Darcy's face at that particular moment. Perhaps Mr Yeates would come to the wedding and Bingley could describe it to him. But sadly Bingley didn't think it would be the same.

Lady Catherine, it appeared, thought that more than a week touring the countryside with one's new wife was quite vulgar. It appeared as though one was shunning society, and it was awfully shabby-ton to be seen clinging to one's wife. Thus she had informed Darcy that he was to be back at Longbourn within a week, then would go to London to see Georgiana and then to Pemberley. It had all been arranged and Darcy was not to quarrel.

Darcy had been quite unable to quarrel as he had turned an alarming shade of puce. But then his aunt was quite formidable, especially when the subject of proper linen had been brought up. Darcy of course could not prove to his aunt that his bride was not going to be subjected to inferior sheets. This had clinched the matter for Lady Catherine. No Darcy she, decreed, in fact no De Bourgh or Fitzwilliam had ever been damp. And finally she firmly declared to Darcy "You are not going to shame the names of all your illustrious ancestors, by making your wife damp!"

Darcy interrupted Bingley's musings at this point by leaving the dressing room, looking rather pale but resolute.

"Haven't you finished with your cravat pin yet?" he demanded, looking not at all like a gentleman who had just kept Bingley waiting for more than half an hour because he was unwell.

Bingley looked at himself in the mirror. "Yes, I rather think I am ready to go."

"Well hop to it man! Let's go!"

Bingley was then shepherded out of the room, by a pallid yet insistent Darcy, towards the fateful moment that was to be their weddings.

Part Three

"Tell me, "friend", when did Saruman the Wise abandon reason for madness?" ~ Gandalf in The Fellowship of the Ring (movie)

Mr Bennet was beginning to think he should have prolonged his stay in London, even though he would not have missed watching Mr Darcy turn that alarming shade of red, or discovering all those treasures in the attic for all the tea in China... or was that Boston?

Yes, he should have stayed above one night in London, and he should not have used that silly excuse of needing a hat fixed. Of course Mrs Bennet had wanted to see it, and on producing a likely candidate, had to listen to the raptures of Mrs Bennet about the delicate workmanship of London hat makers.

It had also given Mrs Bennet the mistaken notion that Mr Bennet was actually interested in his attire, and therefore must be interested in everyone else's attire for the wedding. Previously Mr Bennet had had no notion that lace was such a diverse and tricky topic of conversation.

Mr Bennet was torn over the upcoming wedding. He loved his eldest daughters with all his heart and did not wish to be parted from them. Also he had a feeling that this wedding would prompt a cavalcade of weddings, leaving him alone with his wife.

On the other hand, both Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy seemed such deserving young men, both had gone to so much trouble over the wedding and, since they had not succumbed to the temptation of bopping Mrs Bennet over the head with the nearest candlestick, Mr Bennet felt he could safely say they were both ready for marriage.

"Mr Bennet! Mr Bennet! Oh drat that man!"

Mr Bennet froze. But there was no escape from his bedchamber.

The door swung open. "Oh there you are Mr Bennet! Heavens you are not even dressed and they are here! They are here!"

"Who are here?"

"The carriages! The Carriages! You can't give the girls away looking like that!"

"Looking like what?" Mr Bennet was slightly flustered.

"You are not even wearing the hat you had especially fixed!" Mrs Bennet thrust the blue hat into his hands.

"You must wear your blue coat, it sets you off to advantage!" Mr Bennet found himself manhandled out of his black coat and into his blue one.

"There, you look so much better!"

"But my dear, should you not be making sure the girls are dressed properly."

"Oh hang the girls, they are already ready! My husband must look his best in front of all those smart London people!"

There was then a call from the depths of the house, obviously requesting Longbourn's mistress's attention.

But before Mrs Bennet hurried out of the room, she planted an affectionate kiss on Mr Bennet before excitedly saying, "Two daughters married I shall go distracted."

Mr Bennet was shocked. Perhaps being left at home with his wife would not be such a bad thing.

Annabelle straightened out her muslin, while looking in the mirror. She had managed to wrest both her dress and Mary's (right off Mary's back, I should have been added), keeping them away from the incompetent maid and attempted to fix them.

"I think I did quite well, do you not Mary?"

"If by 'I', you mean that you managed to sequester one of our other maids and force her to remove the creases while standing over her glaring, then yes you did quite well."

Annabelle turned with a little flounce. "I think it showed great promise as a housekeeper."

Mary groaned.

Annabelle ignored this, having become altogether completely inured to these slights against her chosen path in life over the week. However she had to admit that the letter from her mother she had received the day before did have her slightly apprehensive about whether being a Prop to Mama would be such a good idea.

"Mary?"

"Yes Belle?"

"Could you read my mother's letter, and see if you perceive it as a threat?"

"A threat?"

"Yes."

"From your own mother?"

"Yes, of course, to get me to do what she wants, instead of what I want, that thing all parents do this."

Mary contemplated the veracity of this statement.

She took the letter from Annabelle's hand and opened it.

Dearest Belle,

Due to an unexpected sickness in the family, we shall not be able to join you in Hertfordshire until the exact day of the wedding. But I am glad that your letters show such devotion to your newfound purpose in life.

Your father and I were discussing the other day how happy we were that you had become so serious of late. As you well know your frivolous nature had previously brought us some concern. But this is all behind us!

You will be delighted to know that Cousin Marley has heard of your desire to become a Prop to your Mamma and Grandmamma. However she also knows how strongly your grandmother would resist having a Prop, and that I have no need of one yet. So she has said that she would be happy to have you. I know that you will be delighted to join Cousin Marley in Auchenrivock!

Your ever loving Mamma.

"I take it that Cousin Marley in Auchenrivock is not someone you wish to become a Prop to?"

"She is atrocious! She owns about 200 cats, plus she lives in Scotland!"

"There is nothing wrong with Scotland!" said Mary.

"True, but not when you are going to be living next to the remnants of a castle!"

"So it's a threat? Stop being so silly or live with Cousin Marley in the backwaters of Auchenrivock?"

"Do you not see it that way?"

Mary did not answer, so Annabelle took it to mean that Mary thought it was a threat.

"So shall we go to the carriage?"

Lizzy took one last look at herself in the mirror. It was time. The carriages were at the door and she was about to become Mrs Darcy.

She smiled at Jane next to her. "Why do you get Papa in your carriage and I get Mama?"

"Well I am the eldest."

"I think that is hardly fair, a simple accident of birth."

This friendly sisterly banter was ceased when the subject of their banter entered the room.

"Now girls, I want to you remember to hold your head up high. We are Bennets."

Lizzy stifled a desire to roll her eyes at her mother.

"Everyone else is assembled downstairs, to watch you come down."

Jane started to walk to towards the door, but Mrs Bennet stopped her. "Wait, I have several things to say to my darling girls."

"Mother, if this is about - " injected, Lizzy afraid another rendition of Mrs Bennet's wifely duty speech would make her woozy.

"No, no. Though I hope you paid attention to what I said, considering that tonight - "

"Mamma, we are late enough already," interrupted Jane calmly.

"Oh yes, heavens. No what I wanted to say was this. When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of my wedding, and when I was a young bride, I dreamed of my daughter's weddings. Never did I think I would be so blessed with daughters both in quantity and quality. Such intelligent daughters, such beautiful daughters. Never did I think I would be so blessed. And today I am going to give my daughters away in matrimony, which since dear Jane was 16, has been my only desire. I hope, my dears, that you will be as happy as I am today."

Both Lizzy and Jane had never heard their mother speak so movingly and at that moment they regretted every bad and wicked thought they had ever had about their mother.

"I shall smile when I see you walk up the aisle, nay beam! For my beautiful daughters are marrying such deserving men! So rich too! Think of all the pin money you shall have! And how Lady Lucas shall look like she has bitten a lemon. Charlotte having almost been an old maid and then only marrying a parson, a parson who belongs in Bedlam. And Mariah having no beaus in Bath, where my girls have had plenty!."

Lizzy and Jane sighed. They knew it had been too good to be true.

"Now come along girls and walk down the stairs so everyone can see how pretty you look."

The girls did as their mother bid.

Both brides looked radiant as they daintily tripped down the staircase.

Hill handed Lizzy and Jane their bouquets, and they were kissed by all and sundry before being handed into their carriages.

Lizzy held her breath, as the rest of the party got ready to go to the church, the carriages containing her sisters having set off several minutes beforehand so as not to create congestion on the route.

Jane peered about her and smiled at her sister in the other carriage.

Lizzy saw Jane mouth something at her but was quite perplexed at what it could be.

It was in fact Jane mouthing "It's not the end of the world, all will go smoothly"

Part Four

Who speaks reason to his fellow man bestows it upon them.
- Richard Mitchell

The church was a church. This is to say it was unremarkable as far as churches went. However what was remarkable was the vast array of people that had turned out for the double wedding. The wedding was destined to be the wedding of the year, or indeed even the decade for the little village of Longbourn, but from the guests it appeared that the wedding was also, remarkably, featuring very heavily on the social calendar of London society.

In the mill of guests, Caroline Bingley and Louisa Hurst felt that their presence added particular flair to the occasion, and so of course did the Ladies Upton and Rockhaven. These ladies attended the wedding with the primary goal of waiting with anticipation to see if Mr Darcy would really marry that woman.

Mr Yeates and Lord Winsford were in attendance, accompanying them, yet trying to stay out of sight, was Sir Christian. Miles and Ash, who amused the other gentlemen with stories of the grooms' nervousness, soon joined that little party.

Lady Matlock and Lord Matlock had arrived, just in time, having bidden James to not spare the horses. Both Lady Catherine and the Duchess had bailed Lord Matlock up while his wife was trying to ferret out their daughter to ask her what precisely she felt about moving to Scotland.

Anne was clinging to Colonel Fitzwilliam's arm quite determined not to let him go.

Then, quite apart from this group of guests, there were the villagers, the townspeople and the gentry of the area. In fact the gravel path to the entrance separated the two groups. There were members of both sides hoping that the wedding breakfast would create more cohesion, and then there were others who hoped for the separation to remain distinct.

Lady Lucas and Sir William were parading the new Mr and Mrs Collins around. Charlotte was particularly happy to show off what had been her engagement ring. It was not know how Mr Collins had afforded such a generous gift to his beloved. But the ring was unique in the way it managed to conjure up in the minds of the beholders various plant forms. Mr and Mrs Gardiner were avoiding Mr Collins but also on the lookout for their favourite nieces.

The girls of the neighbourhood were giggling madly at a combination of ideas: the wedding, the wedding night and the young bucks of the ton placed on the other side of the path. Maria particularly was pointing out any of the young men that she knew. After all she was the most experienced of them all having been on a stay to Brighton.

The young gentlemen of the neighbourhood, both gentry and military were also looking at the gentlemen from London. However these looks were much more possessive - what did those young men have that they did not? As far as they concerned those London blades could go back to London and leave the women of the county to them. After all it was a matter of pride. To lose one (or two) Bennets was unfortunate, to lose them all would look like carelessness.

But these musings of the wedding guests were cut short, as the carriages bearing the Bennet party arrived with news that the brides were close on their heels, which meant that the guests scurried into the church.

"Well my darling rosebud, what do you think of the wedding compared to ours?" asked Mr Collins simpering, over his new wife.

"Well it has not occurred yet has it, my dear." Said Charlotte forcefully, trying to detach her hand from her husbands.

"Yes, Mr Collins, one must at least wait until the service is over before one begins to compare it to one's own. And it is considered proper not to talk of it until the bridal couple are well off on their wedding trip. And even then it is the wedding breakfast that is compared, not the Book of Common Prayer service."

Mr Collins accepted this lecture from his dearly beloved patroness, and Charlotte sent Lady Catherine a grateful look, but she had been grateful too soon.

"Yes of course, your ladyship is most benevolent and of course quite correct. But being newly married myself and, I flatter myself, in a most happy and blessed union, I cannot imaging any couple as having such a wedding ceremony as ours!"

"And your wedding breakfast?" inquired Lady Catherine, knowing full well that the wedding had been not only a hasty one but a poorly organised one. She was sorry for Charlotte's blush, but not for Mr Collin's hake impression.

Mr Darcy had his eyes glued to the door of the church. Any moment now he would see his darling Elizabeth and they would be married. It was true that Lady Catherine had exercised the privilege of demanding aunt upon a poor distracted nephew, and cancelled most of his honeymoon. Darcy of course was capable of ignoring his aunt, but she had written to all the inns, and Georgiana, and to be fair to his Aunt, she had understood Darcy's deeply submerged desire to take Elizabeth off to Pemberley as soon as possible.

Mr Bingley was also watching the door nervously. Soon he would have his Jane. Sadly for him there was to be no wedding trip directly after the wedding. He was to suffer through Netherfield and its guests, as Jane said it would be both rude and foolish to leave Caroline as mistress of the house. Thus their trip would be postponed for at least a month. Bingley wished he could have his Jane all to himself without fear of daily visits from his mother-in-law, but he supposed that it was little details like these that separated a fantasy world from this one.

Others in the church were trying to gauge the reactions of those around them, and catch the eyes of others. However before anyone could quite connect the ceremony had started and there was to be nothing but concentration for the sacred event taking place in front of their eyes. Or at least mostly complete concentration.

Elizabeth looked at Darcy. This was it. There was no turning back. Well there was, she could run screaming from the church, but now that she was here she had no desire to do anything of the sort. Darcy smiled at his bride.

And Jane and Bingley had eyes for no other but each other.

Sir Christian shifted at this and managed to catch Mary's eye.

Charlotte looked at her husband and frowned. But there was no turning back now.

Mr Bennet wondered, however, if it was necessary to have so many children. Especially if all they were going to do is get married and moved to the wilds of Derbyshire and the wilds of...,well Netherfield, but Mr Bennet would not hold his breath on the new Mr and Mrs Bingley remaining in the neighbourhood above a twelve-month.

It was at this point that Lydia wanted to throw a flirtatious look at someone, but the only people in her eye line were officers. Officers! Lydia was most put out. Who wanted to see officers.

Mr and Mrs Gardiner smiled at each other. How happy their nieces would be if their marriages were only half as happy as their own was. Lord and Lady Matlock were thinking the same thing of their own marriage. And strangely surprisingly enough so was Lady Catherine.

Several ladies from London and several gentlemen from the county sat on their hands at this point.

But as there was no just impediment to prohibit the continuation of the wedding, it continued.

Both men pronounced, "I will", both women pronounced "I will," and Mr Bennet did not fail to give both women away.

And thus they were joined; let no man tear them asunder. Psalm 67 was sung, the prayer asking for the unions to be blessed by children was read, and the duties of both the man and woman read.

As soon as it began it was over.

Yet unlike before, Elizabeth Bennet and Jane Bennet ceased to exist. They came from the church henceforth to be known as Mrs Darcy and Mrs Bingley.

Chapter 37

Posted on Wednesday, 20 August 2003, at 1:22 a.m.

Also there is one more chapter and an epilogue unless something unexpected happens. Also do not expect until after September the 6th due to hideously slay of Uni work...

Um Yes...and i cannot write romantic scenes...so do not shoot me.

There are also some revelations in this chapter, that i HAVE been setting up for chapters, but sadly due to my hideous posting schedule you will have forgotten all that, so yeah, its not out of the blue! Go look for clues! ;)

Thanks to Elli, special thanks to Sie...who had to do it twice becuase of my overzealous clicking. And everyone who has commented before and asked me about it etc.

Love Shemmelle One step closer to the dot

So I say why don't you and I hold each other and fly to the moon and straight on to heaven Cause without you they're never going to let me in ~ Why don't you and I by Santana (feat the Chad).

It was a truth most universally acknowledged that it was not the wedding itself that made the day, but the wedding breakfast. Ladies of Meryton and the surrounding districts held that any daughter of theirs would be the rightful claimant of "Best Wedding Breakfast" and Mrs Bennet was no exception. After all there was much effort and time necessary in creating just the right ambiance and atmosphere, not to mention just the right food.

Since both her daughters were clearly marrying very well, Mrs Bennet had held back nothing when it came to the food. There were to be lords and ladies present and she would not have it that she put forward a worse table than a lady! She knew herself equal to outdoing Lady Lucas, and she had complete certainty that she could just as easily outdo a Duchess.

As the guests from the wedding arrived, Mrs Bennet greeted them all as graciously as she felt the new mother-in-law of Mrs Darcy and Mrs Bingley should. This was a little bit of a surprise for some of the guests who had known her when she was little Miss Gardiner from Meryton. The guests from further abroad, simply marvelled at the crush that had been allowed to develop, which caused many guests to have to linger outside in the Bennet's very fine wilderness. In fact, many guests found themselves separated from their parties, and quite unable to find other acquaintances. This was enough to declare the party a success from their point of view, if it had not been for the toadying behaviour of some of the locals.

The party was progressing nicely, with everyone enjoying themselves prodigiously, save for the newlyweds who sadly could not simply gaze into each others eyes as they most desired, being needed for hosting duties, and to prevent family feuds beginning in their newly united families.

Nevertheless others found it easy to use the party to their own advantage...

Mary, quite forgetting her firm intention to ignore Sir Christian determinedly made her way over to him, the moment she espied him across the room.

"Have you proclaimed the banns?" she hissed at him.

"Of course I haven't" replied Sir Christian calmly.

" What ?" shrieked Mary - looking over her shoulder to make sure no one saw her associating with the rake. Happily everyone was too engrossed with the happiness of the event.

"Then you can forget about being as conjugally happy as my sisters and their grooms then".

"Mary, my sweet, if I proclaim the banns, everyone will know - that is why, my mentally incapacitated darling, I acquired a special license".

"Oh" said Mary restraining the urge to throw her arms around him for making their marriage possible and the urge to hit Sir Christian for calling her mentally incapacitated. Unfortunately or fortunately, the rather crowded atmosphere of the room ruled both actions out.

"So how goes my daughter," asked Mr Bennet coming up jovially behind Mary causing her to tense and give Sir Christian a somewhat pleading look.

"Oh Papa, this is Sir Christian Montgomery, he's a friend of er..."

"The groom?" asked Mr Bennet pleasantly.

" No" came one of the groom's (and the only one who would get involved in a family squabble on his wedding day) stern answer looming over Mr Bennet's shoulder. "Why are you here?"

Mary paled at this shock confrontation and looked pleadingly to at her sister, who had also crossed the room, once she realised her husband was going to confront the unwanted guest, Mary tried to convey the impression she just didn't want a scene on Elizabeth's behalf, and that there was no other reason for her distress.

But Elizabeth was looking vaguely disgusted at Sir Christian - obviously prejudiced by her new husband.

"I'm not here for your wedding Darcy, you need not fear. My valet used to be Bingley's valet, so here I am."

"You are here because of your valet?" asked Darcy in surprise and suspicion.

"Yes, Wadsworth wished to give Bingley his particular regards, so if you will excuse me......."

Mary was torn between anger at the cool way Christian treated her family and pride at the way he treated her family.

Mary was torn and also incidentally worried that her current inner struggle would inevitable develop into a rather unsightly nervous tic.

Darcy stared. Elizabeth tutted, and Mr Bennet for some reason was smiling.

Annabelle had been attending to, a little too closely perhaps, the confrontation between Mr Darcy and Sir Christian; as a consequence she had not noticed her mother stealthily moving towards her. Up until now Annabelle had been successful at avoiding her mother, thus the sudden sound of her mother's voice, made her choke on her punch.

"Belle, are you purposely avoiding me?"

Annabelle turned to face her mother.

"Of course I am not Mama!"

Harriet looked unconvinced.

"Really! The wedding has just taken up all of my thoughts recently."

"You are still thinking of the wedding now that it is over? So much so you could not greet your own mother? This must mean you are thinking of your own!"

"My own?"

"Wedding."

"Mama, I am not going to be married, I am going to become a Prop."

Annabelle realised far too late that she had walked into her mother's trap. Her mother was not known for setting traps; Annabelle surmised that she must have been taking too many lessons from Lady Catherine and the Duchess.

"Yes, I am glad you mentioned that, because you did not reply to my letter about Cousin Marley. She is most desperate of company!"

"But Mama, I could never leave you!" said Annabelle desperately, she had no doubt that her parents could not force her to do anything, but they would most certainly not easily accept that she really did not wish to engage in the marriage mart, if she did not stay with her plan to be a helpmate to her relations.

"Nonsense, Belle. I have your father," Harriet paused. "And I have Ash, though who knows for how long! And Ricky. He seems disinclined to marry. Not to mention my mother. Not that I mean she is inclined to marry. Though I did receive a letter from Maria saying she thought Wickham had dishonourable intentions regarding her, though I am more inclined to think that it would be my mother with dishonourable intentions."

Annabelle's hopes were raised as her mother's thoughts rambled on. Now if only someone would come along to join the conversation, Annabelle might be removed from all obligations to make any further comment about Cousin Marley and her two hundred odious cats. Not to mention the castle.

Kitty sat primly next to the Duchess. She had felt it was her duty to shield the Duchess from the more 'interesting' elements of the party. Not to mention she was safe from all kinds of attack if she was sitting with the Duchess. She had already heard her mother say, incredibly loudly, to Lady Catherine that 'she was a most troublesome girl, always refusing marriage offers!"

However Kitty was not safe from the Duchess calling over her grandson.

"There you are! Skulking around the back of the church! In the corners of this room! You will be turning into Darcy next," admonished the Duchess severely.

Ash smiled, intending to take the proffered seat next to his grandmother, but not before he had to greet Kitty. Etiquette alone dictated that he must.

"Miss Bennet"

"Lord Ashbourne," replied Kitty. Ash noticed that Kitty had a most intriguing look on her face which Ash was about to inquire after, when his grandmother interrupted him.

"Yes, yes, enough of that, sit next to me."

Ash did as she bid, trying at the same time to crane his neck around his grandmother to see Kitty. But Kitty had resolutely decided to look the other direction.

"So how long are you intending to burden the newlyweds with your presence?" asked the Duchess.

There was a pause. The Duchess rolled her eyes. Her grandson was paying no attention.

"Ash." It was a sharp exclamation.

"Oh yes...um.... I agree," Ash guessed that affirmation would be what the Duchess required.

"Are you paying any attention? I doubt very much that you are, considering I asked you how long you would be staying at Netherfield, not a question that I fear needs much agreement, unless you agree that you are a burden?"

Ash blinked. "Oh. Yes. Well I suppose I shall not be staying at Netherfield very long, perhaps a day."

The Duchess fully expected Kitty, whose attention appeared to be claimed by some commotion on the other side of the room, to snap to attention at this. But she didn't. She didn't even appear to have heard, something the Duchess highly doubted. Kitty was a resourceful eavesdropper, she was sure.

The lapse in the conversation however had to be filled somehow. "I am very glad to hear that. I do think that the new Mr and Mrs Bingley need some space, though how much space they will receive from their relations I am not sure."

Ash nodded, but morosely. Kitty was still seemingly unconvinced.

The Duchess leaned towards him and in a conspiratorial whisper, which left him musing over the comment, and said, "Do you not think that Kitty has become quite the mistress of social graces."

Annabelle was relieved when Lady Catherine and Mrs Bennet came to relieve her of her mother's company. She was not quite so relieved when she realised it would mean she would have to listen to the three of them talk about weddings, lace and handsome men.

It took some subtlety, but Annabelle was able to slip away from them and run smack into somebody.

"Oh, I am sorry."

"Not a problem, "came a baritone voice. Annabelle froze. Her mind appeared to have temporarily taken leave of its senses.

"Annabelle?" asked Miles in a slightly worried tone. He didn't mean to sound worried, but it was not often he had seen Annabelle struck dumb. He was wondering if she had swallowed her tongue.

"Oh yes! Hello," replied Annabelle, slightly too brightly.

Miles frowned. Well this was the most awkward experience of his life.

"I hope you enjoyed Bath?"

"Not particularly."

There was a pause.

"You enjoyed the wedding I hope? " Miles questioned.

"Oh yes. Very nice."

Annabelle couldn't seem to look away from her shoes. Why couldn't she look him in the eyes? She had not thought this would be her reaction when she saw him again. What would he think of her? The shame she felt at being entirely unworthy of him, something she thought she had conquered in some part, had seeped into her very core and was paralysing her.

Miles coughed. It was a nervous cough. The creature before him appeared entirely transformed, it was as though she was now the Miss Smart he had known while in the company of her mother. And even then a particularly vapid form of Miss Smart. Was this her way of showing him that she wanted nothing to do with him?

"Well I was going to take a walk about the grounds, as it is a very fine day." Miles mentally smacked himself; he was talking about the weather for heavens sake!

"Yes, I believe it is a very fine day and the grounds are lovely," replied Annabelle woodenly. Oh! She was talking about the weather! A subject she only restricted herself to talking about with the very elderly, the very boring, or the extremely moral. She did what any girl would do when confronted with this awful fact. She fled.

Harriet broke off her long-winded explanation to Mrs Bennet, that sons were not necessarily the godsend that Mrs Bennet felt they were, when she saw Annabelle whirl around and flee from Miles.

"Catherine."

"Yes Harriet."

"Your plan is not working."

"Oh it will. I am never wrong you know."

Part Two

Kitty took her leave of the Duchess and Ash, saying that the room was making her feel rather unwell and made her way into he gardens.

After chewing over what his grandmother had said to him, Ash decided this was a sign, and that all would be right with the world.

"Hello Kitty" came a sleek voice that sounded altogether too sure of himself.

Kitty smiled as she looked at the gardens, the time spent avoiding the confrontation had allowed her to think a bit, about what she wanted and about the Duchess' discussions about "rites" and society. The basis of that discussion could also apply to the situation she found herself in she figured; then Kitty came to the conclusion was that this was why people like Ash were so self assured and so calmly selfish in their own way. They knew life's and societies' little rules - then they calmly acted as though there were a thousand rules that just applied to them and had only been confided to them.

What Kitty felt people like that needed was a short sharp shock; something that re-wrote the rules or at least misplaced the rulebook for a little while.

She suddenly became aware that she had been staring off into space while Ash was standing by her side looking rather confused. Well, she thought with a mental giggle, I almost succeeded in my goal without even trying.

"Miss Bennet," Ash began again a little put off his stride by Kitty's seeming inability to focus upon himself. This was not quite how he expected their first meeting since the incident, well, their first meeting alone. He was still rather intrigued and intimidated by her strange behaviour inside and was rapidly deciding that his conclusions over her behaviour and his grandmother's cryptic statement were very wrong.

"Miss Bennet," he tried again just resisting the urge to tug at his cravat "I understand that things might necessarily be awkward between us but I had hoped - "

Kitty was now regarding him with a clear innocent gaze - a gaze that Lydia and herself had spent hours perfecting to the minutest detail. She knew it was disconcerting him.

"Kitty, I know I was a fool to even try to speak to you - so soon after your other romantic entanglements - but if something feels right? And also I have learnt that one should grasp happiness in both hands - sooner rather than later."

It seemed to Ash that the strange offended delicacy of Kitty had made him reveal a little too much of his heart than he had anticipated.

He watched as Kitty flicked her eyes left and right. Looking for an escape he assumed - this rash assumption meant he was even more surprised by her next action.

Kitty couldn't keep a gleam of triumph out of her eyes as she leant forward and (she had little clue what she was doing) planted her lips firmly on Ash's.

Ash was shocked - he was being kissed! He had never been kissed. It was he who did the kissing. Now he was experiencing something entirely new and strangely perplexing and pleasant.

Then just as quickly as it began it stopped.

"You talk too much. you do realise that don't you?" said Kitty simply before walking off with a satisfied smile leaving Ash with a distinctly unsatisfied look.

"Well, well, well...."Miles appeared from behind a large bush.

"Don't say anything, Miles"

Miles didn't say a word - instead he made a fluttering gesture with his hand that made Ash give Miles a quizzical look.

"Oh for pity's sake Ash! Go after her!" Ash frowned then his expression lightened. "Of course"

Kitty laughed as she practically waltzed into the rose garden. She couldn't hear footsteps but she wasn't worried. She slowly counted to twenty and once she reached twenty she heard footsteps that quickly changed from running to walking. Picking that precise moment Kitty whirled around in time to see Ash trying to straighten himself out.

"What was that for Kitty?" he asked trying to sound complacent.

"You didn't like it? So I shouldn't do it again?"

Ash looked momentarily thrown. "No, that is not what I meant."

"Then be more clear!" said Kitty delighting in the fact she had the upper hand.

"Well what I meant was did you change your mind? I thought that...."

"Well perhaps you own a debt of gratitude to my sister Jane."

"What exactly is this debt?" said Ash cautiously.

"Well she said something that made me think."

"And what was that?" Ash asked not sure if he should be pleased or annoyed at the way Kitty was making him beg for information.

"She said the only thing that mattered today was that she was marrying the man she loved."

Ash's forehead wrinkled in thought. "Ah. I think."

"Don't, it probably hurts."

Ash's hand snaked out and caught Kitty around the waist. "That wasn't very nice."

"Perhaps not," said Kitty smiling.

"So you decided that you do...." He paused looking distinctively uncomfortable.

"Well I'm not saying it until you do! Oh wait, you already did, and I rejected you." Kitty giggled slipping her arms around his neck. "Well then, I'll say it, yes, I realised that I do love you. Because I remember how I felt when I first saw you and I didn't know who you were, and how I felt when you rescued me from the evil toad. You just had the misfortune to have despicable timing, when you asked in Brighton."

"I realised that. Your sister told me. I seem to be indebted to several of your sisters now."

"Yes you do seem to be encumbered in that way."

"Well when do you want to announce this to everyone. When should I ask your father?"

"Ask my father what?" said Kitty blithely.

"Ask him for his permission to marry you."

"Am I marrying you? I don't think I ever said that?" said Kitty with a wicked grin on her face.

Ash looked shocked "B-But..."

"You haven't asked me properly yet."

Ash blinked, then did as he was told and asked her properly.

Lydia turned away from her position of concealment - also a position highly conducive to spying.

She ran straight into Mr Yeates and Lord Winsford. She shrieked.

"I do beg your pardon Miss Lydia," exclaimed Lord Winsford quite startled by her reaction. He became even more startled when she threw her arms around Yeates neck.

Yeates looked similarly confused but Yeates having more presence of mind than his companion (who incidentally was standing like a stunned animal rather than giving his companion space) took advantage of the situation by returning Lydia's hug.

"Oh, I saw the Taj Mahal!"

"The real one?" exclaimed Lord Winsford still in shock. Why didn't women throw themselves at him?

Lydia turned in Yeates' embrace and punched Lord Winsford playfully on the arm. However, Lydia's 'playfully' was most peoples 'seriously'.

"Ow!" yelped Lord Winsford.

"You were hurt by a lady?" said Yeates with a smirk.

Lord Winsford snarled, but it was a halfhearted snarl.

What looked like it was about to descend into childish insults and roughhousing was cut short by an exclamation from Lydia.

Yeates looked down at Lydia who was firmly examining his nose. She looked at Lord Winsford's nose, then back at Yeates'. After this she thought at bit about the interaction between the two men just then and at the townhouse in London. Then her eyes widened in surprise and annoyance.

"You aren't a poor penniless artist, you're his brother."

"Does this bother you?" said Yeates not seeming at all disconcerted by the revelation of what Lydia saw as his treachery.

"You lied to me."

"Yes. Again, does this bother you?"

"Yes, I don't like lies."

"Really? I would never have guessed."

Lydia could feel her anger rising. She felt momentarily out of kilter. She should be the one in control.

"Hmmmfph," replied Lydia before stalking away.

"Well you handled that well didn't you?" said Lord Winsford in a snarky manner.

"Yes I think I did actually," smiled Yeates.

Part Three

If anyone tried to claim that today was the happiest day in the lives of Bingley and Darcy, they would have to contend with the claims of one Horatio Fitzwilliam, Earl of Ashbourne. He was sitting in a swing, with the love of his life in his lap.

Kitty shrieked as the swing went higher and higher.

"If you break my neck, you cannot marry me!"

After contemplating this logic for a brief second, Ash slowed the swing down.

"Speaking of marriage. When?"

"When, what?" said Kitty feigning stupidity.

"When shall we get married?"

Kitty chewed her bottom lip.

"I think we should keep this a secret for a little while."

"Why?" Ash was slightly apprehensive, secret engagements rarely turned out for the best.

"Well, if we tell my parents now, then my mother will take great delight in telling the whole of Meryton at a very loud volume! Which means the joy of my sisters will be cut short. Mama will not longer mention them."

"Very well, as you wish, it can be our secret, but I have a feeling that Jane and Lizzy will be filled more with gratitude than resentment over such a thing."

Kitty smiled. "Perhaps, but I think they should have as much of Mama's joy as possible, after all I do not wish to take it all. You are a much better sack of gold than Darcy."

Seeing her beloved's bemused face, Kitty told him the whole story.

Trading one amusing story for another. Ash told her all about Darcy thinking he had designs on Lydia.

Kitty giggled. "I rather fear the fact you used to be an officer would lower you in Lydia's estimation. She only likes penniless artists."

"You mean Yeates?"

"Yes."

"Well I think she might be a bit disappointed there?"

Kitty's eyes widened in disappointment, "Don't tell me he's a cad!! He is the first acceptable man Lydia has liked!"

"No nothing like that. I meant just he is not so penniless as perhaps thought. He is the youngest son of the Earl of Wettenhall, and I do believe travelled quite extensively in India, not long back in England. Perhaps not as rich as her sisters' suitors, but he has a nice estate."

"But But! Penniless Artist! Relation of Mrs Forster."

"Mrs Forster?"

"Colonel Forsters wife?"

"Oh yes...I do believe there is a connection, quite distant, and even more distant now that she has made a bad match."

"But why isn't he poor? He is a younger son."

"A combination of good economy, hard work and good fortune."

Kitty contemplated this new development and giggled. "Lydia will be horrified."

The wedding breakfast passed with no more interesting events. It was declared the most successful in living memory, and Mrs Bennet was pleased.

The community of Mertyon and its surrounds went home to talk of nothing else for several days.

The Darcys set out for their Inn, and shortened journey, and the Bingley's went back to Netherfield.

Bingley looked at his breakfast table. It was rather fuller than he expected. There was, of course his beautiful new bride.

This should have been enough. However, he was also forced to share the table with his sister. Caroline Bingley, painfully aware of her losing Darcy was not going to lose any more eligible men, and thus when Louisa and her husband departed for London she feigned mortal illness. Then miraculously recovered.

Joining his sister were a slew of Darcy's relations and friends. Bingley being a jovial sort was not at all upset at Darcy's imposition by abandoning him to cope with his relations, but was really quite at a loss to work out why so many were staying on.

Not to mention the large list of those that were still lurking out in the hotel establishments of the area.

Lady Catherine he assumed was waiting to make sure that Darcy did not contradict her ruling by continuing to journey longer than she decreed. Anne was of course bound to her mother's will.

The Duchess, well she was an elderly woman and needed to recover from the journey to the wedding. No, Bingley did not at all object to her staying on. Though he was unaware of the fact that if the Duchess could read minds, newlywed or not, he would be on the end of a very short sharp shock.

No, it was the continued presence of Ash, Miles and the Colonel that bemused him.

He was aware that Ash at least had made plans to leave, but then really a slew of bad luck appeared to assail him. His horse was lame. Varying parts of the carriages at Netherfield needed fixing and it looked like rain. He felt a cold coming on.

Bingley was growing quite exasperated; after all, if Ash felt unwell, all these secretive walks about the countryside could not be doing him any good.

Though Bingley had a nagging thought that something else was keeping Ash in the county. Something to do with the winking Lord Matlock had indulged in when he had come to take his leave of his sons. Something also to do with the winking Miles indulged in whenever Longbourn was mentioned.

Bingley was tempted to say that Ash had an understanding with Kitty, but if so Bingley was puzzled as to why he didn't just come out and say so!

As for Upton and the Colonel, Bingley was all at sea.

The week passed ever so quickly and before anyone had a chance to miss them the Darcys had returned.

Darcy had taken one look at the crowded nature of Netherfield, then at Longbourn complete with rabid mother-in-law and was extremely torn.

Lizzy had taken pity on him and decided that for their mother's peace of mind, yes dear, she is your mother too, that they would stay at Longbourn.

Lizzy found Longbourn entirely changed in her week's absence, and she did not think that it was because she was now watching things through the eyes of a married woman.

While visiting Jane she brought up her concerns.

"Jane, do you not think our sisters are acting extremely oddly?"

"In what way?"

Jane, it had to be said, was as complacent as ever, she looked as though she was born to be Mrs Charles Bingley. She managed to make the household run smoothly just by expecting it to run smoothly. Not bringing disappointment to the face of the serene new mistress was something every guest (baring Caroline) and servant worked hard to achieve. Lizzy had to hand it to her sister. She was also foreseeing having to ask Jane the secret to her success.

"Well, Mary has taken up sewing."

"That is not very odd Lizzy. After all now that we are no longer at home, the others will have to do more of the linen."

"She is not sewing linen, she is making herself a white dress and matching bonnet."

Jane was a little stuck for words and a logical explanation for this. "Perhaps she is taking more of an interest in her looks." But this did not seem likely. It was Mary.

"And Kitty has not, I have been reliably informed, been seen in the house except for meal times. She has been rambling about the countryside."

Jane smiled at this.

"Jane, what do you know! What is she doing? She could be doing anything! Young women should not roam about the countryside on their own, people will talk!"

"Like they talked about you."

Lizzy blinked. "Excuse me?"

"You were prone to rambling about on your own, if it was no reflection on your character I do not see why it shall be one on hers. And before you say another word Lizzy, I do not think she is on her own."

"Well who is she with?"

"A person of impeccable..."There was a pause and a smile, " Well someone who would die rather than see her come to harm."

"Well if you are not going to tell me anything!" said Lizzy, approaching what felt like a huff. Then she remembered her most pressing concern.

"And Lydia!"

"What about Lydia!"

"She has taken to reading the society parts of the paper, and reading the Peerage."

This neither Jane nor Lizzy could even begin to understand or explain.

Mary looked at her creation. It was not the world's most perfectly sewn dress, and certainly not the world's most perfect bonnet. But somehow Mary felt it would be wrong to elope in a gown that she had acquired under false pretences.

She had not heard from Christian since the wedding breakfast, which was of little consequence she kept repeating to herself, but the fact she kept trying to get Hill aside to ask in a round about manner if she had received any notes belied this.

"Miss Mary."

Mary looked up. It was Hill! The hopeful look on her face must had said it all because Hill relented from her usual stoic and stern face and nodded smiling.

Mary practically snatched the piece of paper away from Hill when it was proffered and scurried over to the window to open it in some privacy.

However all it had on it was a time and place. Mary's forehead creased. She turned the paper over.

Prepare to say "I Will"

This was it!

Hill closed the door quietly, wondering if she should have told her the young mistress that there had been two notes delivered.

Part Four

Aragorn: Are you frightened? Frodo: Yes. Aragorn: Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you ~~ Lord of the Rings, the movie (still have not read book)

"Sir Christian," hissed Mary, feeling quite foolish.

Her foolishness was apparent. It was not something quite done in the village of Meryton to be seen parading about in a wedding dress, clutching a posy of flowers. To add to Mary's iniquity she was bent double behind a decorative hedge. She had an absurd feeling that she should be whistling like an owl. Or was it hooting? But Mary did not know how to hoot.

Where was the dratted man? He was close to becoming a rather more cursed man.

Peering through the hedge she heard a noise, presuming it to be the tardy bridegroom she made a disapproving noise.

"Well it took you long enough."

When there was no response Mary turned to speak in a stronger tone of voice at Sir Christian. However what faced her was not the foppish yet rakish Sir Christian, it was in fact an overlarge cow that munched at her.

Shrieking in fright she leapt backwards and would have slipped into a particularly muddy puddle if she hadn't been caught by strong arms.

"Well I appear to be quite the hero." Remarked a voice tinged by a drawl.

"No you aren't," exclaimed Mary righting herself, straightening her veil and hat.

"If you had not been late, I wouldn't have found any need to converse with a cow."

"You were conversing with it? May I ask what enlightening conversation you had?"

Sir Christian was rewarded with a slap.

"How dare you insult me on," Mary lowered her voice to a stage whisper, " My wedding day."

Sir Christian weighed up his options. He felt innocent on the accusation of insult. However he had to realise he was faced with a highly emotional Mary. So he took the safe route, sacrificing male pride on the way.

"Of course, I apologise Mary." To add to this apology he gave her a chaste kiss on the cheek. "Let us go to the church."

Mary was immediately suspicious of Sir Christian's attitude but she still felt the uncomfortable presence of the cow. So she took his arm and stepped around both the puddle and the hedge.

Mary looked at the vicar, who looked back at her. Mary's suspicious nature smelt a rat. Why was the vicar who preached at her every Sunday marrying her? Surely he had a duty to inform her parents of this event of which they must be ignorant?

Had Sir Christian greased him in the fist? And what did Mary think of a vicar who could be bribed? She immediately made up her mind that she must inform her father of the vicar's immorality, after she was married.

"So are we ready to begin?" asked the Vicar nervously.

"Yes." Said Sir Christian firmly.

"Wait." Said Mary suddenly noticing a figure at the back of the church wearing a ridiculously large hat. "Who is that?"

"The Witness." said Sir Christian quickly.

"Who?" questioned Mary.

"Um - er - an old, deaf, blind, dumb mute."

'Then how can he be - " said Mary confused.

"Never mind Mary - the vicar has much to do. I think he wants us to begin."

Mary narrowed her eyes at the supposedly deaf, blind and dumb mute feeling a strange sense of recognition but she suppressed it and turned to the vicar.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today - " began the vicar doing the customary warbling.

Mary lay on her back staring at the ceiling. She was married! But she was at Longbourn, husbandless. But that wasn't her fault. Christian had wanted her to stay at the Red Lion Inn - which everyone knew had damp sheets! Stupid man! So Mary had tramped back to Longbourn, avoiding almost being charged into a ditch by that blasted cow, sat in high dudgeon throughout the day and meal times. Played the death march to her family after dinner, then stalked to her room, not noticing the family's strange glances or her father's hearty laughter.

Mary heard a creaking, her eyes flitted to the window as creases appeared in her forehead. Swinging her legs off the side of the bed, Mary got up retrieving her dressing gown from the chair, wrapped it around her and padded to the window. She opened it and peered out.

"Christian!!"

"You're intelligence astounds me Mary!" Christian was almost at the top of the trellis, clinging rather clumsily.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm travelling to see the pope? And you?"

"Don't talk to me like that!"

"Help me up and I promise not to talk to you."

Mary's eyes widen "I expect you...."

"Yes I do, do that differently to women I marry!"

"Well I don't see why I should help you! Climb up yourself!"

Mary turned away from the window smiling, until that is she heard a creak and a groan. She stuck her head back out the window.

"Christian?"

"The......trellis......is......detaching......from........the wall."

As he spoke, a further creaking timber sound occurred and the trellis started to fall away from the wall. Mary clutched at her husband's arm and hair, dragging him into the room; Christian fell moaning onto the floor.

"Not the hair."

Mary closed the window sharply only slightly wincing as the trellis collapsed to the ground, taking with it her fathers roses.

"Oh stop being such a wimp," snapped Mary.

Mary turned to step over her husband but trod on her nightgown, collapsing on top of Sir Christian.

"Well this certainly makes up for pulling my hair!"

"Christian!" hissed Mary finding herself trapped. "We are in my room, the room that I have had since I was nine, in my parents' house and two doors down from my highly moral, new brother-in-law and sister. Do you really think -?"

"Yes."

"What is going on here!" boomed an incredibly shocked voice.

Mary looked up to see Brother-In-Law Darcy standing in his nightshirt, looking very angry.

"Darcy, what nice legs you have" said Sir Christian with a smirk on his face.

Lizzy arrived at Darcy's side and looked equally shocked.

"Mary!" she exclaimed in horrified tones.

"Lizzy!" replied Mary trying to squirm out of Sir Christians grasp.

"Get away from her!" thundered Darcy dragging Sir Christian out from under Mary.

Lizzy raced to Mary's side and put her arms around Mary.

To add more confusion to the scene Mrs Bennet arrived, hair bobbing in curling papers and her voice shrieking along with them.

"Are you going to explain yourself!" demanded Darcy.

"No, I don't think I will," smiled Sir Christian.

Darcy's fist shot out expecting to hit Christian easily, however he had underestimated his opponent. Christian easily deflected Darcy's first and second blows, then his third and forth, Darcy at this time realised his mistake and stopped trying to land Sir Christian a facer.

"Oh my nerves!" shrieked Mrs Bennet.

"Lizzy, I really think that you should take your mother back to her bed," said Darcy pointedly.

"An excellent idea" agreed Sir Christian cheekily.

"No I shall not leave this room while my daughter is being molested!" shrieked Mrs Bennet.

"What is all this noise!....Oh hello Sir Christian," said Mr Bennet, not at all happy that he was disturbed from his nighttime reading.

Darcy stared at his father- in-law. "You don't seem at all surprised to see Sir Christian here sir?"

"Oh No, why I expect to see my sons-in-law every now and then, even this one!"

"Son-in-law?" simultaneously gasped Lizzy, Mrs Bennet and Darcy.

"Oh yes, married Mary this afternoon wasn't it? After all I was there. I've always liked that hat and coat, makes one feel rather like one has joined the freak show."

"You told him! He was our witness?!" shrieked, Mary scandalised.

"Well I had to ask someone for directions to a good church, then again he has known since Brighton, when there was the ruckus in the newspaper office...... but a pity I didn't ask him about the sheets at the ......ummmm." Sir Christian broke off, realising some of his audience may be displeased with where the conversation was heading.

"Sir! You have countenanced a match between..." gasped Darcy.

"Oh yes! What else am I to do! She said yes to him...twice apparently."

'You told him that too!!!!" shrieked Mary.

"Yes I was demonstrating your love."

"Oh," replied Mary silenced.

"An elopement??" said Lizzy faintly.

"Apparently Mary would have it no other way," said Mr Bennet. "I knew I had underestimated you Mary. "

"Three daughters married," said Mrs Bennet happily.

"Yes, God has been very good to us," replied Mr Bennet. 'Now let us leave the newly weds in peace - I'm sure Darcy and Lizzy have some enlivening discussion to get back to."

Darcy and Lizzy turned bright red.

"Do we have any conversation to attend to?" asked Mrs Bennet confused.

"I'm sure we can have my dear," soothed Mr Bennet shepherding everyone out of the room. Mary waited until the door closed, looked at Sir Christian for a full minute before launching herself into her husband's embrace.

Chapter 38

Posted on Saturday, 11 October 2003, at 4:35 a.m.

Part One ~

So we're all men of our word really... except for Elizabeth, who is in fact, a woman. ~ He-of-the-Kohl-shares in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Elizabeth was, in fact, not a man of her word, not even a woman of her word. Despite seeming to hear and understand the entreaty of both her sister and her husband, not to go running to tell Jane, the first thing she did the next morning was hasten - almost three miles and in mud - to tell Jane about Mary's scandalous marriage.

As a consequence, despite Mr Bennet assuring Darcy that the only result was that now Netherfield's servants instead of Longbourn's had the pleasure of spreading the scandalous news, all of Meryton now knew that the Bennet's third daughter had eloped.

Tales of a flight to the border were quickly imprinted upon the impressionable minds of the Meryton townsfolk. What was a simple flight, in a perfectly well-hung post chaise and four of course, turned into a hideous bumpy ride in the pouring rain on the back of a farmers cart.

Added to this, within the hour, were Darcy and Mr Bennet, guns blazing on black steeds. It was of course by some miracle that such fine cattle were eluded stealthily by what became the finest farmer's cart in all history.

The next hour brought the final twist. Sir Christian was now, at this very moment, lying fatally wounded by Darcy, who was now preparing to flee to the Continent to avoid justice being served. Concluding this little scenario, it was asserted that Mary was prostrate by her dying husbands bed, and Lizzy in all practical terms was also about to be widowed.

This, said Mrs Bennet's friends, served her right for thinking she could marry off three of her daughters in quick succession. It was a judgement.

Thus they were all very sad when Sir Christian sauntered through Meryton and bought three pairs of gloves. There was a brief moment when Sir Christian said they had got it all wrong and that it was Darcy who was fatally wounded, but then everyone remembered you can't believe a rake.

"Lizzy!"

Lizzy sighed.

"Yes, Mama, I am in here."

'Here' was the little room off the kitchen, in which herbs were strung up to dry.

"Heaven's child what are you doing in here?"

"Thinking."

Mrs Bennet momentarily paused to remember what that was like. "Oh well, come upstairs, your father is about to make a toast to welcome Sir Christian into the family!"

Lizzy sighed. She was feeling slightly jealous that some of her, well, she hesitated to call it 'thunder' had been stolen by her sister. She should be feeling on top of the world because she was now married to the love of her life, instead she was worrying about her sister, and whether she was happy, and how such as man could be a good husband.

Jane and Mr Bingley had arrived not five minutes before Lizzy emerged into the parlour.

"Jane!"

"Lizzy!"

The sisters embraced as though they had not just seen each other that morning.

"Ahem - " coughed Mr Bennet. "We are gathered here today to welcome the newest addition to our family. Sir Christian."

Every eye swivelled to look at the object of Mr Bennet's speech. That is every eye, except those two belonging to Sir Christian, who if there were a mirror in view would have happily joined in.

"Sir, " interrupted Darcy, "In good conscience I cannot advise you to sanctify this marriage, you must have it annulled!! Sir Christian cannot provide for your daughter." Darcy paused. "I know that I must seem out of line, sir, but I know this for a fact!"

However, Sir Christian smiled. "What grounds for annulment would there be Darcy?" he queried, "I assure you there are none, and I do mean none."

Mary shot Sir Christian a look. "Are you quite sure of that, Christian?"

Bingley tried desperately to hide his uncontrollable snicker with his handkerchief.

"Darling dumpling, do you wish for our marriage to be annulled?" Sir Christian's sugary voice would have immediately had anyone on their guard.

"No, sweet-pea," answered Mary with complete sangfroid.

"Then please be quiet, you are not helping, my sugar pie."

"Do you see what I mean!" said Darcy triumphantly.

"Very well, Sir Christian how do you intend upon providing for my daughter, and of course any remaining family when I die and they are facing being thrust into the hedgerows?"

"Well I of course have my patrimony."

"Which you have frittered away in gambling dens and on women and wine!" Darcy could contain his 'knowledge' no longer.

"Mr Darcy, please!" exclaimed Jane, shocked. Darcy looked suitably chastised.

"Well, you are slightly wrong there Darcy. I have not frittered away my patrimony in such places nor on such things!"

There was a pause where all looked incredibly disbelieving.

"In gambling, I have frittered away my mother's money. In booze, women and song, my great-aunt's and godfather's."

There was an even more stunned pause.

"But my father's money is intact," reassured Sir Christian. "Well at the moment it is!"

"But - you are a changed man?" Jane looked a little faint, such wickedness and vice was wholly new to her, and despite her recent leaps and bounds out of sainthood, old habits die hard.

Sir Christian just smiled wickedly and a satisfied smirk took its place when Mary grasped his arm in a defiant "This is my choice and don't you dare do anything to upset it even if you are my family" way.

Not all of the Bennet sisters were in the parlour watching as another brother-in-law was 'sworn' in as it were. Kitty, for instance, was lurking around in the garden.

"Kitty?" came a raised whisper.

"Ash?" Kitty peered around a particularly ruly rosebush. "Where are you?"

"Here."

"Where is 'here'?" Kitty was becoming impatient. Why was it when you told men it was imperative for them not to be seen, did they take you so seriously to your word?

"Behind the hedgerow."

"Oh there you are!" Kitty exclaimed before doing the obvious thing and throwing herself into the arms of her beloved.

"Is something the matter?" asked Ash worried. They had had a set routine, on where and when to meet, but Kitty had broken rank with all their plans by sending him an imploring note that morning. It was most unlike his betrothed.

"Have you not heard?"

"Heard what?"

"Mary!" Kitty was astonished. From the way everyone was gossiping she found it almost impossible that Ash could not know, but then again perhaps he was above gossip? Kitty hoped not, for although she wasn't a gossip, she didn't mind hearing it!

"Oh Mary and Sir Christian? I knew about that months ago!"

"What?! How?"

"Sir Christian showed Miles the intended newspaper announcement, though for some reason he never seemed to actually put it in the paper."

"And you did not think it would be wise to tell my father about this?"

"Not particularly. Miles said he had never seen a man so whipped, and well this is Miles we are talking about, so we can safely say Sir Christian is definitely under his wife's thumb."

"He really loves her?"

"Of course. You think he doesn't?"

"Well I hardly know him. But Darcy and Lizzy seem sure that Sir Christian only married Mary for money."

"Does Mary have any money?"

"Of course not, but Darcy and Bingley do...!"

"Ah." Ash smiled. "I cannot believe Darcy would be so conceited, as to think everything in this world revolved around him."

"But Sir Christian is a rake! Hasn't he wasted all his money? - Well at least according to Darcy."

"I doubt it. Sir Christian has the devil's luck, never play him at cards Kitty. He always wins. Miles and I used to suspect he cheated, but considering we have been watching him like a hawk for years, I doubt that he does."

"But what about - "here Kitty lowered her voice, "women and alcohol?"

Ash paused.

"Ash I think you can tell me about such things. After all, Lydia and I did spend some time with the officers!"

Ash's eyes bulged. It was not the done thing for young ladies to speak about such things, but then again Kitty was to be his wife.

"Very well, Sir Christian doesn't hold with purchasing large gifts for the women of -ahem - his acquaintance, after all they should want to be his friends for him, not for what he can do for them - financially at least."

"I never thought you to be such a prude Ash. I think I am old enough to understand your meaning! So that leaves alcohol?"

There was a pause.

"I think that perhaps we should tell my father that we are to be married."

"I hope you mean that I should ask your father's permission to marry you."

"I hardly think he is going to say no! He didn't even have the strength to say no to Mr Collins!"

"That is not the point!"

Kitty laughed and buried her face into Ash's shoulder. "I love you."

Ash smiled. Well he assumed it was 'I love you', after all it was a bit muffled.

Lady Catherine had a plan. It was a very good plan. If she did say so herself, and she did.

"Ah there you are Lord Upton."

Miles froze. He had been hoping to slip away down the side stairs and go for a ride. A nice long ride.

"Ah Lady Catherine, how are you this morning? I was just about to go for a ride."

"Well I'm not blind! I can see you are dressed to go riding."

There seemed nothing that Miles could say to this, but Lady Catherine was clearly waiting.

"Well, ma'am did you wish to speak to me about anything specific?"

"Not particularly."

"Very well, I shall go for my ride then. Shan't I?"

"Of course. I give my consent to the plan."

Miles turned and rolled his eyes. Really that woman was a menace. Miles muttered similar things as he raced down the stairs and out to the stables.

He vaguely noticed the strange looks the stable boys were giving him, but he ignored them to go directly to Balthazar.

"A good horse is hard to find."

Miles almost jumped several feet into the air. It was Lady Catherine, she must have followed him, right upon his heels in fact.

Miles almost turned red, but he managed to remind himself that he was not six, and didn't need to feel ashamed for any of his actions.

"Yes a good horse is hard to find."

"Very hard to find. You seem to have the talent."

Lady Catherine pulled a carrot out from her reticule, ignoring the stunned look from both Miles and the attending stable hands.

"There you go, Fluffy."

"Balthazar."

"What a hideous name. You may be able to pick a good horse Lord Upton, but you are appalling at choosing names. I shall remove that from your duties."

"My duties?"

"Yes your duties" replied Lady Catherine calmly watching Fluffy/Balthazar munch on the carrot.

"I'm afraid I do not understand you Lady Catherine. I may have duties, but none that you have control over."

"Well you foolish boy, what did you think I wanted to talk to you about?"

"I honestly have no idea, you are a very confusing woman."

"I thought you liked confusing women?"

Miles blinked and shook his head of the resulting mental image of Annabelle as Lady Catherine.

"Well now that I have your attention, I would like you tell you about my husband Lewis de Bourgh. One of the finest men in history. "

Miles just nodded weakly.

"However he had one weakness - only a minor one, mind you - he was of Irish decent. I of course overlooked the fact he did not totally contain the robustness of English blood!"

"How good of you."

"Do not be impudent with me!"

"I apologise." Miles did not even sound very convincing to himself, but Lady Catherine appeared to be willing to overlook it.

"To get directly to the point, he owned, and now I own, and in the future Anne will own, a horse stud in Ireland."

There was a deadly moment when Miles anxiously thought that perhaps Lady Catherine was offering her horse stud and her daughter to him.

"However, while I obviously, if I hat ever learnt, would have been a true proficient, nevertheless it is not convenient that I move to Ireland to bring the stud up to the standard that befits the name of De Bourgh."

Miles was beginning to see Lady Catherine's point.

"And you perhaps think that I would find it convenient?"

"Of course, you wish for a change of scene and society. Something to keep your mind occupied. And most importantly you do not wish to appear to be running away, after all a man never retreats in battle. "

Seeing that Miles was wavering, "This way you would not be escaping, it would be helping an old and helpless woman."

"Who? - Oh you mean you. Right."

"Shall you think about it?'

"How long would it be for?"

"As long as you like?"

"And why would I wish to work on a stud that is not my own?"

"Well perhaps If you bring it to the standard that befits a De Bourgh, I could be brought to reason about turning it over to another equally noble name - that of Carlon."

"Very well, I shall think your proposition over."

Lady Catherine nodded and glided out of the stable with a very satisfied look on her face.

Part Two

"We've reached a special place... Spiritually... ecumenically... grammatically." ~ Pirates of the Caribbean

"Congratulations Kitty!"

Annabelle hugged her friend tightly. "You shall make such a wonderful bride and sister."

"Well as will you!" replied Kitty. "Both a bride and a sister."

"Oh do not torment me Kitty, you know I shall never be a bride."

"Stop this at once Belle! Mary once told me that you - "

Annabelle's 'Who? Me?' look was studiously ignored

" - were the architect of all your misfortune, and I am beginning to see that she was correct! I think you can fix all your problems, if only you would simply make the effort."

Annabelle pulled away from Kitty and looked hurt. "Kitty you know that if I could?"

"You haven't made the effort at all."

"Well I cannot make the effort, he must. It is only proper."

"Well then I must be completely improper."

"Of course you are not Kitty." Annabelle paused. "Are you saying you asked - ?"

"No, just that I made the effort."

Annabelle sat down upon Kitty's bed and looked up in wonderment at her friend. "What did you do?"

Kitty sat down on the bed next to her friend. "Well - firstly I -"

But Kitty was destined to get no further.

"My darling girl!!! Your papa has just told me all!!! Engaged to a Viscount!! You will be a Countess. Well it is not so fine as a Duchess, but your Papa has told me he fancied you were in love with Lord Ashbourne all along. A Countess and in love!!!! My darling girl!!!"

Mrs Bennet paced about the room quite agitatedly. "Now if only we could marry Lydia to someone all would be right with the world."

"But what would you do with yourself Mrs Bennet, when all your girls are happily married?"

Mrs Bennet paused. It true of course that the business of her life was to get her daughters married and its solace was visiting and news. But what to do when the business of her life was complete? Visiting and news was all very well as a distraction, but as the centre of her life?

"Perhaps then Mama, it would not be best to push Lydia into marrying?"

Mrs Bennet was torn, to keep her youngest by her side, or to find her a man to marry and quickly so as to show those ladies from the village that Mrs Bennet was not a woman to be gainsaid. Mrs Bennet's pride won out.

"Oh no, Lydia must get married. But to whom?"

The focus of Mrs Bennet's musing was sulking on the swing in the garden. No one, however, seemed to be paying this sulking any attention.

Not with Mary's elopement, which Lydia could not say she was surprised at, and now Kitty's engagement to Lord Ashbourne.

Lydia had never seen Kitty or Mary look so radiant. It was most distressing.

She felt humiliated. She had thought she was falling in love with a penniless artist and to have him turn out to be the son of an Earl. It was most upsetting.

Lydia had thought she had been growing up, after all Mr Yeates was, as far as she knew at the time, neither an officer nor a good match. Both things she had felt and been taught were vital to look for in a prospective match. Thus to choose a man who was not what she had been taught to choose, had been somewhat of a rebellion for Lydia.

After all, Lydia wanted to go to Military Balls and have fine dresses. But that was the Old Lydia. The New Lydia appeared to have her priorities completely reversed and now Yeates was just making all her good work for nothing!

And Lydia had scorned all her previous gentlemanly companions so there was no one to push her on the swing. How life was not fair!

Suddenly however, and Lydia was convinced at first it was a gust of wind, the swing moved. Her suppositions appeared to be unfounded when several seconds later she felt strong hands pushing her to the side, so that her 'wind' could sit next to her.

"Mr Yeates." Lydia tried to infuse as much coldness into those syllables as possible.

"Oliver."

"What?"

"Oliver. It is my Christian name, and I think you could get much more loathing out of Oliver than Mr Yeates."

Lydia screwed up her nose.

"Oliver. Ol-iv-er. Oli-ver. Mr Yeates. Yeates." There was a pause and then Lydia shook her head, "No I think I prefer Yeates."

"For loathing?" asked Yeates.

"Yes - No." Lydia felt confused. She had promised herself that this first meeting would consist of her with her nose in the air and would end with Yeates slithering away, his mettle broken. She had never imagined sitting trying out his given name, while she was practically sitting upon his lap.

"You, sir, are taking far too much space on this swing. It is meant for two females, not a female and a male."

Instead of behaving like any decent gentleman and immediately removing himself from the swing and then from her sight, Yeates instead put one arm around her. "Is that better?"

Lydia turned to him. "Not particularly."

"What a pity." Yeates made no effort to remove the offending limb. Lydia knew at this point she should be shrieking and crying for help, after all she was being molested. But if this was what molesting was (and according to strict lectures from her elder sisters it was), Lydia found she didn't mind it so much.

So instead of shrieking, Lydia put her head upon his shoulder.

"Oliver."

"Yes?"

"Why aren't you a penniless artist?"

"A cruel twist of fate."

"You are an artist though?"

"Yes."

"And have seen the Taj Mahal?"

"Yes."

"And just how un-penniless are you?"

Yeates paused. "Well I have a nice little estate in Wiltshire. Near Stonehenge."

"Stonehenge? Is that as impressive as the Taj Mahal?"

"Oh more so. And I live very close to Salisbury Plain as well."

Lydia tilted her head up in query.

"You do not like riding?" he asked her.

"I have never learnt."

"Well I think that problem should be rectified don't you?"

Lydia smiled. "Yes."

Perhaps it didn't matter that Yeates did not fit with either the Old or the New Lydia's intentions and ideas, perhaps he just fit with plain Lydia.

Kitty and Ash's revelation had the desired effect; the news spread about town and all to do with any other Bennet sister was forgotten. After all Catherine Bennet, long discounted as the little shadow, was going to be a grand lady!

Ash had managed to walk down the main street of Meryton only being stopped every fourth step to be congratulated. It was an improvement on Longbourn where he could only walk two steps.

He had hoped every person in the entire county had congratulated him by now but he was wrong.

"Oh my lord, I just had to congratulate you! Such a woman! And to think if you hadn't followed your best friend's advice you would not be receiving my felicitations now!"

"Oh shut it Miles."

Miles pulled himself out of the simpering pose he had attained (and looking remarkably like Mr Collins) and smirked.

"Well are you not glad I told you to go after her."

"You did not tell me anything, I would have gone after her even if you had not made those ridiculous gestures with your hands."

"But it would have been too late!"

"No it would have not been too late!"

"Of course I forgot, you two are a perfect match!"

"I do not think I believe in perfection any more"

Miles gasped. "A Corinthian who does not believe in perfection?"

Ash shrugged. "I think I believe in what is right. I think if I waited for perfection, for the perfect moment, for the perfect place - then I would have waited forever. Instead I chose what was right."

"Is this a pointed barb at me?"

"Well if you took it that way Miles, what does that say to you?"

"It says I have an interfering fish-wife for a best friend."

Ash looked appalled. "Is that term supposed to be a reference to my looking like a fish?"

"No I would never say you looked like a fish Ash." However the look in Mile's face seemed to give Ash the feeling that Miles was about to follow this comment up with something not so complimentary.

"Why are you coming out of the farriery Miles?" interjected Ash hurriedly, jumping upon the first thing he thought of.

"I was seeing whether Lady Catherine's faith in my ability to pick a good horse was supported by someone who works with horses everyday."

Ash blinked. "I'm sure somewhere between your brain and your mouth, you were sure that would make sense to me."

Miles scowled. "Lady Catherine wants me to help her with her horse stud."

"Oh."

"She thinks it would be good for me."

Ash tried to place his aunt in the light of benevolent saviour, helping those for no other reason than it gave her pleasure. It hurt his brain, so he gave up.

"What is in it for her?"

"A good horse stud befitting the name of De Bourgh."

Ash blinked. His aunt was definitely up to something

"Where is her stud?"

"You don't know? You are her nephew after all?"

"Well I don't know about you, but when various of my relations open their mouths to impart knowledge to me, I often close my ears."

Miles shook his head.

"It's in Ireland."

"Ireland?"

"Yes, Ireland."

"Ireland?"

"I'm sorry but have we by chance wandered into a cave? Stop repeating me as if you were a damn parrot! Ireland!"

It felt as if something had just whacked Ash on the back of the head, his aunt's plan suddenly fell into place. It was a good plan he supposed, but for his liking it decided too much upon chance. Miles deciding to tell him, Ash deciding to tell his sister, his sister coming out of her martyrdom.

"So are you going?"

"I think I might."

"Really?"

Miles gave Ash a pointed look and sighed. "Yes! After all there is little to keep me here."

"Of course, very little," agreed Ash amiably. He had a feeling there was no way out being part of his aunt's plan but he was damned if he was going to appear as though he was willingly going along with it.

Miles turned away. "Ash I have to get away. I do not think I can look upon everyone I know being happy and - "

At this Miles turned and walked away.

Ash sighed. He might be a fish-wife but at least he wasn't a drama queen.

Part Three

But why has all the rum gone? ~ Pirates of the Carribean

Mary glared at her new husband.

"I cannot believe you told my family such lies!"

"How do you know that they are lies?"

"Because you would not marry me if you had no money to support me with. Or you felt you were going to waste your patrimony away!"

"I wouldn't!"

"No Christian you wouldn't!"

"And why would this be?"

"Because you would never lose at cards, it would hurt your pride too much."

"Oh - well you are right there, I rarely do lose at cards."

There was a pause.

"And - "

"Yes Mary my turtledove."

"Do not anger me Christian."

"Of course not, even if your nose does turn that attractive pink colour when you are angry."

Mary glared. "The other reason you would not is that you love me."

"Of course I do."

"And you quite understand that now we are married it is I who will tell you what to do."

"I quite understand that."

Mary smiled and nodded.

"Well then I think our future happiness is ensured."

"Of course it is Mary."

Mary smiled and sat down on the couch. It was nice to know she could control her husband, as she had always known she would.

Thus it was rather a surprise when she ended up underneath her hen-pecked and submissive husband.

"Christian! Not in the library!"

"Shush Mary - I'm sure the books will close their eyes."

"Don't be ridiculous, books do n - "

"Lady Catherine?"

"Ah Lord Upton. Have you come to a decision?"

"Yes I have.

"Really and what is it?"

Miles took a deep breath; "I am going to Ireland."

"I am pleased."

Miles nodded. "I am sure I shall not let you down."

"I'm sure you won't. So you will be ready to leave tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Well no time like the present, and surely there is nothing to keep you here any longer. Of course you would return for Ash's wedding. Although has Ash actually come and told me personally about this wedding? He is lucky that I approve." There was a pause. "Well Lord Upton?"

Miles was dithering; he had made up his mind, but now that the departure time was so close -

"Of course, I shall be ready to leave tomorrow."

"Excellent news. Now if you will come down to my study, I shall show you my plans."

Miles followed Lady Catherine meekly, wondering whether Bingley was aware of the expropriation of his study.

The next day, Kitty smiled at the Duchess.

"Are you not pleased?"

"I am delighted my dear child." And the Duchess was, she was positively beaming. "I am so very glad you took my subtle advice. For I'm sure that if it was up to Ash I wouldn't be sitting here with my new granddaughter."

Kitty's cheeks turned slightly pink. "Well I might have behaved a little improperly."

"Well as long as you don't behave improperly with anyone else I think that I - and the rest of society will forgive you. However I am not sure I will forgive you for not immediately coming over to inform me, the minute your family knew!"

"But Cassie, I could not get away from my mother, or Lady Lucas, or Mrs Gould, or my sisters."

"Relax Kitty, I forgive you, after all you shall now be forever within my grasp, that it will be the ladies of Meryton and Longbourn that shall have to wrest you from me if they want your society. Your mother of course I could never keep you from."

"Oh please do!"

"Kitty." The Duchess' tone was disapproving.

"I know. I love my mother dearly, but I hope that something distracts her attention from me before too long."

"She is just happy that her children are happy."

"Her happiness is overwhelming!"

"Well perhaps a new addition to your family will distract her, only let it be one of your sisters!"

Kitty blushed. "Can one control such things?"

The Duchess smiled. "One can, but in your case I doubt you would wish to."

The Duchess could not help laughing at the bright redness that flushed Kitty's face. She leant over to kiss her new granddaughter, for the Duchess did not need the wedding to know that Kitty was now genuinely part of her family.

Kitty smiled. "I am just so happy! I do not know how I shall bear such happiness."

It was just at this precise moment of happiness that Annabelle burst into the room.

"Kitty. Grandmama! It is all ruined."

Annabelle practically collapsed on the floor in front of the Duchess and started sobbing into her grandmother's skirt.

"What in heaven's name! Annabelle, get up and tell us what is the matter." The Duchess tried to remove her skirt from her granddaughter's hands and failed miserable.

"M-M-Miles. H-He is g-goin-g to I-Ireland and ne-never com-com-coming back! It is a-all Aun-aunt Cat-catherine's fault. I hate her! I hate her!"

Kitty blinked. "Did he tell you he was going away?"

"No! He is g-going to-today and he-he didn't even tell me! Ash did! I hate her! I hate her!"

"Lady Catherine? Why is it her fault!"

"She wants him to manage her horse stud I imagine." Replied the Duchess drily. "I'm sure Miles will do a very good job of it."

"B-But he will mee-t some Irish blonde vixen named - * hic* Valerie, or something, who talks a lot!!"

"And is there something wrong with this, Belle?" asked the Duchess.

Annabelle lifted her head. "Of course there is, if he marries her he won't be able to marry me!"

"I thought you wanted to become a Prop?"

Annabelle's response was to cry.

"Well what are you sitting here for Belle?" questioned Kitty, starting to lose her patience with her friend, and almost sister, "Get up off the floor and go and speak to him."

Annabelle looked in wonderment, as though this was something that never occurred to her. "You are right! I must!"

And then she was gone.

"Well I never thought I'd say this, but I think they might actually be right for each other," sighed the Duchess.

"Because they love each other so dearly?"

"No because they are both drama queens."

Kitty couldn't repress her giggle, and soon both the Duchess and Kitty were laughing very heartily, hoping that the situation would take a little turn to everybody's satisfaction and not leave both knowing they had laughed at two of their nearest and dearest's sadness.

Annabelle tried desperately to wipe the tears out of her eyes as she raced down to the stable. She had no idea what she was going to say.

At the same moment Miles was finishing up checking his curricle. He had been up all night trying to decide if he was doing the right thing, and he had finally decided he was. After all, every time that they met it had been awkward, for both of them. Going away would mean that all would be resolved, hopefully.

She would be married to someone she could respect and love after all she had made it clear time and time again that that was not him, and could never be him. She would not even look at him, and he doubted it was because she had changed her mind.

A sudden noise made him look up. It was Annabelle.

She looked a right state. So he told her so.

"But it is you who has brought me to my present state."

"Really? I would like to see you explain that statement away!" replied Miles sardonically, while glancing at his Hessians, perhaps they were not the best for the journey?

'It is quite simple. It was you who was a knight in shining armour when I was younger, a dashing blade, to adore. It was you who taught me I could turn heads at the drop of a hat. It was you who adored me so much that it prompted me to want to see how far I could go. It was trying so hard to get you to forgive me that I made a fool out of myself. It was to revenge myself on you that I acted so ridiculously childlike. And lastly my attempts to change were prompted by a desire to make you love me as much as I love you. It was a pathetic attempt to deserve you. I love you Miles; I was too blind, stupid and selfish to see it before. And now look at the mess I have become, can't you tell me you love me in the tiniest way??"

Miles looked up from his Hessians, his expression clouded and dark: "But I don't love you in the tiniest way."

The End

Posted on Monday, 20 October 2003, at 10:27 p.m.

Part Four

Do us a favour...I know it's difficult for you...but please, stay here, and try not to do anything...stupid. Pirates of the Caribbean.

Annabelle shakily gulped in a breath of air before nodding in Miles direction; she at least hoped it was Miles' direction because her tears were clouding her view.

"Yes all right. I'm sorry to have disturbed you Lord Upton." Annabelle couldn't take it anymore, trembling she turned and fled.

She got to the stable door before a hand closed around her upper arm and wrenched her around. Annabelle's tangled tresses whipped around her face, obscuring her view. In a split second she was entrapped in a ruthless embrace. Before she could speak lips descended upon hers.

Miles let her go. Annabelle pushed the hair back from her face and stared at him.

"I don't love you in the tiniest way," he stated.

"But...but.."

"I utterly adore you. I have since your come out. Even if I tried I couldn't love you in the tiniest way."

"I don't understand...you...I..."

Miles stepped forward and brought a hand up below Annabelle's chin, he brought her mouth to his whispering, "What's to understand?"

This time he didn't release her, though he pulled back enough to clarify his words.

"I can't love people in tiny pieces. I have to love them all their charms, their faults - everything. Love can't be measured in tiny amounts. "

Annabelle's jaw dropped open, facilitating Mile's next action.

Minutes late, Annabelle shyly pulled back.

"Why didn't you ever speak like this before?"

"I don't speak thusly to shrews."

"I'm not a shrew!"

"Perhaps not now, but you certainly have got shrewish tendencies."

Annabelle tried to wiggle her way out of his grasp but was restrained. Miles kissed her forehead.

"I didn't say I didn't love your shrewish tendencies, I might not just like them some of the time."

"Well I don't like your temper!"

Miles laughed.

"And I don't like your jealous over-protective high-handed - " Annabelle got no further.

"Do I have any charms?" Asked Miles smugly.

"Maybe" replied Annabelle distinctly feeling that for once in her life she didn't have the upper hand.

"Miles why don't you let me go?" she asked looking up at him.

"You might run away."

"I won't"

"You might be an apparition. I am probably dreaming."

"I'm not! You're not!"

"Really?"

"Yes!"

This argument could have continued forever knowing the nature of the combatants, so it was lucky that one of the stable boys coughed.

Miles glared at the poor unfortunate wretch, who had dared interrupt what was going to be one of the best moments of his life. Then he remembered.

"Ireland!"

"You cannot go Miles. I forbid it."

Miles frowned. "I don't like being forbidden to do anything."

Annabelle bit her lip. "Very well, can I beg you not to go?"

Miles smiled. "I think that will do very nicely."

"And if I beg very hard will you marry me?"

Miles grinned. "Very improper Belle, the women is supposed to only have the power of refusal!"

"Well I won't refuse I promise."

"Very well. Lady Annabelle Fitzwilliam will you do me the very great honour of becoming my wife."

"Yes!"

The fervent ardour brought about by the happy couple, made the stable boys flee.

Lady Catherine had joined The Duchess and Kitty in one of Netherfield's sitting rooms.

None of the party was surprised when Miles and Annabelle joined them, hands firmly joined.

"I am afraid to have to tell you, Lady Catherine, that I am unable to go to Ireland and manage your horse stud. Other matters have come up."

This last sentence was said with a smile in the direction of Annabelle, who beamed back.

Lady Catherine sipped her tea.

"Well that is good news. I don't have a horse stud in Ireland."

The Duchess failed to stifle a snort, and Kitty bit her lip.

Annabelle's jaw dropped.

"And really, if I did, you cannot really think I'd need you, can you? My most excellent husband Lewis de Bourgh would have made sure a manager was already appointed, who only employed the best staff....Irish staff of course who cannot be said to be the best at anything but neverthe -"

"Then what pray tell were you going to do when I arrived at this non-existent place?" asked Miles with something akin to both amusement and annoyance in his voice.

"Well there was always Plan B" replied Lady Catherine seriously.

"Which was?"

"I was going to knock you over the head with a piece of wood. Harriet was going to abduct Annabelle and you would have both gone on a nice sea voyage. Together."

Miles and Annabelle both sank down into a nearby couch.

"Well - " replied Miles faintly. "The idea of seeing you swinging a plank of wood, almost makes me wish Plan B had been put into fruition" There was a pause. "Although I suppose I would have not seen you as you would have hit me from behind."

"Oh no, I would never hit anyone from behind. And I would have paid someone to do it for me."

"Of course," replied Miles with a smile.

"Aunt!" injected Annabelle, finally finding her voice again. "I - I - "

"Yes, no need to thank me."

"I was not going to thank you!!! Both Miles and I would have sorted things out without your interference!!"

Lady Catherine burst out laughing in response to this.

Wiping her eyes, she did manage to get out, "What a good joke Belle, I didn't know you had such a sense of humour!"

The Duchess smiled. "Well I'm very happy for you Belle. I'm glad to know that both of you are making the mistake that everyone should make, and finally getting married!"

It would take too much time and effort, and be far too repetitive to enumerate the overwhelming happiness shared by all our couples; instead it would be best to focus on a few important points.

Kitty's already overflowing happiness was added to immensely by Miss Smart's reply to Kitty's happy news. In between lines that crowed over surely knowing that a marriage between Miss Catherine Bennet and the Lord Ashbourne was inevitable, was a distinct indication that Miss Smart was becoming more than friendly with Lord Holling.

Thus when Miss Smart arrived at Kitty's wedding with a beaming smile, Kitty could return the favour and boast to Miss Smart that not only had she known the wedding to be certain, but that she had had some hand in bringing the couple together.

It needn't even be said that Lady Rockhaven was ecstatic at the news and had no compunction in bragging to Lady Upton, that her child had secured the love of a future Duke, while Lady Upton's had secured the love of a trollop who would surely lead him astray.

Lady Rockhaven's glee was somewhat lessened when the new Lady Holling did not name her first child (sadly, in Lady Rockhaven's opinion, a girl), after her, instead named it Catherine. Kitty was in Lady Rockhaven's opinion no better than the younger Lady Upton, and was certainly a bad influence on her daughter. Everyone else thought the friendship between the young Viscountess, Countess and Marchioness was the best thing that happened to all of them.

Mrs Bennet's happiness was ensured on the fateful day, a year after seeing her penultimate daughter married, when Mr Yeates asked for her dearest child's hand in marriage.

However it had been some time since Mrs Bennet's first and foremost thought had been the marriages of her daughters. This was due to the most astonishing occurrence that could only happen after a couple engaged in 'conversation'. The birth of the last Bennet child, a male named Valmont, due perhaps to the light-headedness of Mrs Bennet at the time, was considered to be a miracle.

Not only did it achieve Mr Bennet and Mrs Bennet's goal of finally being rid of Mr Collins, although they were heartily sorry for Charlotte, it also had the dual purpose of giving the couple something to focus on when their other children had flown the nest.

For even though Lydia had to wait for a proposal, she had hardly spent anytime at Longbourn, preferring to spend time with her sisters mostly Kitty and Mary, and Jane when it was convenient. For 'convenient' read 'close to Yeates'.

The happy couple married very shortly after their engagement and due to the cession of the fighting on the continent, it was deemed somewhat safe for Yeates to whisk his bride off to India. They did not remain there for long, it was doubtful that the society of India was large enough for Lydia to bloom.

Lydia became a very country capable wife, running the nice little estate in Wiltshire, learning to ride and mothering an increasing brood of children. Yeates had no complaints or ever any wish that he had chosen another helpmate, as long as trips to London were regularly scheduled and he never stopped acting like a penniless artist.

The Colonel finally realised, after being presented with his first nephew borne by Kitty (his first nephew or niece) 'a healthy lusty brat', as the Colonel called him, who was christened Maximilian, that he too wanted children.

And more importantly that the future mother of his children had been under his nose the entire time.

Anne almost said no, but Lady Catherine prevailed upon her to realise that saying 'no' simply out of revenge for the Colonel taking so long to take his blinkers off was a foolish idea. It was much smarter to marry him and then make his life hell.

Anne followed her mother's advice, but declined to make her new husband's life hell.

Jane did indeed have ten children, who insisted upon their Aunt Lizzy being the one to teach them to play their instruments very ill, when she had time out from teaching her own. Both women were perfectly happy with their choices in life and lived happily ever after, as those out of novels are wont to do.

London Society was shocked when it was revealed that Sir Christian Montgomery, rake extraordinaire, was married. Not only was he married, but also it was not to an heiress.

However once London Society met the new Lady Montgomery, it was entirely understood. Sir Christian once thought to have a heart as impregnable as a citadel had fallen in love. And much to everyone's delight she was a shrew.

A shrew who promptly became a toast of the town. Everyone wished to know Lady Montgomery's opinions on everything.

Mary enjoyed it to the extreme. Everyone had ignored her preaching and notions before, and now they listened enrapt. No one dared to express a contrary opinion (that is apart from her family and her husband).

When the papers published the announcement that Lady Annabelle Fitzwilliam was engaged to Lord Upton, society rolled its collective eyes.

There were some bets in the men's clubs, and within tea circles that the marriage would be a failure. But they were sorely disappointed. Neither lost their sparkling temper except frequently with each other, but that was only over small things. No one could doubt that they loved each other.

Kitty was welcomed into her new family warmly, and found that any of her prior doubts over her ability to be Lady Ashbourne had been foolish.

She had her husband, and he did look ever so good in a red coat.