Posted on Wednesday, 17 May 2006
The song (which are in italics) are sadly not mine, but an awesome band called Muse (my absolute favourite band in this world!). This is from their song "Blackout" from their Absolution album.
Don't kid yourself
And don't fool yourself
This love's too good to last
And I'm too old to dream
Maybe I’m not in love. No. I am not in love. This was just a passing infatuation. Infatuated because of the sparkle in the eye that didn’t show her want for money; my money. Infatuated because she was everything everybody else wasn’t.
I need to get away. Get away from her.
And George Wickham.
Just when I think I am safe from him BOOM there he is again in my life. Undoubtedly he is spreading rumours about me again about his lack of fortune.
You would think that by 28 and apparently one of the “most eligible bachelor’s”, I’d have my personal life sort out. When I was 20, I thought I would be a successful businessman (which I am) and have a young family by age 25. That was my goal, my dream. My only dream now is to get away from Caroline (however much I like Charles, Caroline needs to GET ANOTHER LOVE INTEREST because I AM NOT INTERESTED) and go out (and later even marry) Elizabeth Bennet.
But that’s all it is: a dream. And at 28, I already know that dreams never ever come true. My dream after having Georgie born, I dreamt of the happy family, just the four of us. Then breast cancer took my mother away, slowly erroding her until she was wasted away into nothingnes; killing her unbearably slowly; and the look in her eyes that told us she knew she wouldn't make it.
And as much as I like Lizzy (that’s what I call her in my mind) I cannot stand her mother. Her mother is like all the other vulture mothers that want there daughter’s claws on the Darcy wealth.
Don't grow up too fast
And don't embrace the past
This life's too good to last
And I'm too young to care
Who was I kidding? Those remarks she made at Netherfield were just those- remarks. She wasn’t flirting with me or playing hard to get. No, she really hates me. And all because of Wickham! Even if she believed me in the letter about our past, she will never forgive me for separating Charles from Jane.
I need to get over myself. I need to forget the past…
I cannot wait to go back to Pemberley, for the soul reason of getting away from her. I need to think about Georgie. It was my fault that Wickham could do this to her. But no, I had to be my pig-headed self and let Wickham hurt me even after Dad died. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t hurt Dad by telling him what Wickham was doing. I knew if I did tell him, his already frail state would deteriorate even quicker.
I’m not even 30 yet. Even if my dream was to have a family by 25, I’m not exactly past my used-by date. According to every female under 40, I am yet to reach my real prime. I have every material thing I could possibly dream of. Yet I feel as though I am 40. I have been taking care of Georgie for what seems like half my life, after Mum died. I was 15 and Georgie was 2. Dad was never the same after Mum died. He was shattered into a million pieces. He only continued to live because he knew that Mum would have wanted him to be there for us because she wasn’t. But he had lost it after the stroke and heart attack. All effort he put into living left him. And the second stroke took him away.
At age 18, I got soul guardianship of Georgie, and went to Harvard for 5 years doing a degree in economics and law, and then doing honours.
At age 22, I took over the ‘family business’ (which was actually an international conglomerate) from Richard, who had been keeping my seat warm. I was in the big, bad world without my father to guide me, as I had always imagined. Women throwing themselves at me every time I left for and got to work. I didn’t have time for that. I needed to look after a business worth over $US15 billion.
And after what happened to Georgie, I finally decided to take 12 months off and enjoy the world. But I never thought I would fall in love, only to discover that my love was unrequited…
Don't kid yourself
And don't fool yourself
This life could be the last
And we're too young to see
I no longer care. After seeing her in Lambton, I knew her opinion on me had changed. I just didn’t know how much. After much thought, I convinced Bingley to visit Netherfield, under the pretext of remembering places which could be fixed up before the summer holiday parties he planned to have.
After what Lizzy had told me about Jane after Charles left, I observed Charles. Instead of bouncing out of his short depression, he seemed to be worst company than myself on a Sunday evening alone. I needed to rectify my error over my judgement of Jane.
And Wickham. I exposed him to my full power and the media. Apparently dozens of preteens are coming out accusing him of being a paedophile. Justice was being served. I couldn’t kid myself that he could or would change, just because I payed off his debts and periodically gave him money. I was a fool for not doing it earlier.
And I am a fool for Lizzy.
If only I hadn’t done this earlier! Could no one reproach me for my behaviour? After priding myself of being a gentleman, I was blinded with my arrogance, and people never told me I was in the wrong. Why couldn’t I have lived my life as a young man at 22 and explore the world, before taking on the big fish of Darcy Enterprises.
Maybe I don't love her family as I should, but her Aunt and Uncle Gardiner are like the family I never had. As close as I was to Mum, Dad and Georgie, I was never as close with the de Bourgh's or Fitzwilliam's. Even though they were family, it was prestige and wealth that drove them away from the Darcy clan.
I am truly happy.