ACT ONE
On arriving at Netherfield...

Scene 1
BINGLEY - Isn't this neighbourhood charming? You know how I am a single man with a good fortune and I am in desperate need of a wife. You too, actually.
DARCY - You know how all of the mothers in the area consider us to be the rightful property of some one or other of their daughters. It gives me the shudders, Bingley. It makes me
rather shy when I enter an assembly. Perhaps they had not expected this of me, a man of such consequence, but truly, I am rather shy in the face of so many willing purchasers.
BINGLEY - I'm looking forward to the assembly.
DARCY - They will think me arrogant, but really, I am merely shy! Help me, Bingley! Will you help me during the assembly?
BINGLEY - I promise I will. Let go of my arm, Darcy.

Scene 2
ELIZABETH - I am very interested in these men, but I will not say so.
JANE - Me neither. It's not very proper for young ladies such as ourselves to discuss men.
ELIZABETH - The more Mama speaks about them, the more I am determined not to.

ACT TWO
After the assembly

Scene 1
DARCY - You did not help me! You left me all alone! You thought that blonde girl was more interesting than me, Bingley. Do you not realise I need to be helped at parties? I cannot speak to people as easily as you can, Bingley. I was rather upset that you left me alone and even worse, I was so upset that I accidentally said something. And it was something bad! What am I to do, Bingley?
BINGLEY - No harm done, Darcy.
DARCY - Too much harm done! She hates me now.

Scene 2
ELIZABETH - Oh, I hate him! But there is something about him that is really attractive.
JANE - I love Bingley.
ELIZABETH - Did you hear me say I hate Mr Darcy? Why did you not tell me I was lying? I want to be told I'm lying.
JANE - I love Bingley.
ELIZABETH - I am not shy and I do not believe in the existence of shy people. Mr Darcy is a disagreeable twit. He did not say he was shy and therefore he is not. He did not say he was disagreeable either, but he is.

ACT THREE
At Netherfield

Scene 1
DARCY - Really, I am not flirting. I am only expressing my attraction verbally.

Scene 2
ELIZABETH - Oh, I hate him! Well, in reality I like to argue with him, but I need to be consistent in what I say so as not to resemble Lydia.

ACT FOUR
At Rosings

Scene 1
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM - I know nothing. Nobody told me anything and I cannot use my brain to guess. I am only here to keep Darcy company. I find it helps me as a respectable leader of men to act like a stupid, obedient soldier in my spare time.
ELIZABETH - I should find that hard to believe if I had not had Darcy on my mind all the time, but as it is, I am barely listening to what you say, let alone questioning it.
COLONEL FITZWILLIAM - I know. Therefore you will not mind my saying that it is actually me who decides when Darcy breathes in and out, but I was merely trying to improve your image of him.

Scene 2
ELIZABETH - Oh, I hate him! Did anyone hear me? Listen to me!

ACT FIVE
Finishing Up

Scene 1
DARCY - I feel more at ease in the comforts of my own home.

Scene 2
ELIZABETH - I think I should stop saying I hate him. He's got a really pretty house, after all.

Scene 3
ELIZABETH - If he thinks I shall run back into his arms because he saved us all from complete ruination at Lydia's hand then he shall have to think again. I am not the kind of girl who throws herself at a man.
DARCY - After all I did for her family, yet I cannot reveal it, and still she sits there as if I don't exist. Well, there is nothing for it but to throw Bingley into the pot as well.

Scene 4
ELIZABETH - I should have thrown myself into his arms and expressed all of the gratitude that he deserves and more. Now he will never come back and I am doomed to live my life as the bitter spinster I am sure to become. I hate him. I hope he never returns. There, I feel better now.
JANE - I still love him but I won't admit it, not even to you, Lizzy.
ELIZABETH - Bingley loves you, too. Don't be a fool, Jane. Go for it.

Scene 5
BINGLEY - You lied to me.
DARCY - Yes. Go and propose and forget about it.
BINGLEY - I shall go and propose and forget about ... what am I forgetting about?

Scene 6
JANE - I'm so happy. I'm engaged and I'm so happy.
ELIZABETH - I'm so miserable.

FINALE

Scene 1
ELIZABETH - Lady Catherine is an interfering old biddy. She's going to blab to her nephew and ruin even the slim hope that I had.
DARCY - Lady Catherine is an interfering old biddy but she has given my slim hope some encouragement.

Scene 2
ELIZABETH - I must know how he feels.
DARCY - I must know how she feels.
DARCY AND ELIZABETH - Oh joy!
MRS BENNET - Ten thousand a year!
READERS - At last!

THE END.